Etsy and Pinterest have taught me that there are some talented motherfuckers out there.
So many crafty things on those sites are fascinating and they really highlight the anxiety I feel over my creative inadequacies.
I never give up, though!
At least once a year, I feel the urge to get my craft on. I like to really get in the mood by indulging in some insider trading and then be verbally abusive to my employees.
HAHAHAHA. Okay, that was a lie. I would never emulate Martha Stewart.
My forays into the world of crafting rarely end well. I have spent 37.00 on materials where the end result might be worth 5.00 on Etsy. If it were done well.
Mine generally are not done well.
Best case scenario? There will be random globs of glue all over whatever it is I am making. And there will probably be glitter on it. I usually reach the ‘fuck it..I’ll put glitter all over it’ stage of crafting.
Worst case scenario? We don’t really need to talk about it. The scars DEFINITELY faded.
This is especially difficult for me as I am the only female in my family who doesn’t flit through crafts like they were born with a goddamn glue gun in their hand. Both of my sisters and my mother are exceptional artists. Baby Sister has been painting furniture and it’s fucking amazing. Middle Sister is a scrap booking goddess and that’s the least of her talents. The very least of her talents. Because it’s scrap booking.
My mother can paint and sew and she can decorate a damn room. She had a painting hanging in an art museum for a special exhibit. She is truly gifted. She can’t cook for shit, though. She’s improved a LITTLE over the years, but mostly…no.
I’ve made some quilts to give to grand kids. I’m very proud of these quilts that I made. When I say I made them, I mean that I embroider on some of the squares and my mother does the rest. I still take credit, though.
We need a website to show our crafting regrets. Just because they turned out like shit doesn’t mean we didn’t put our heart and our time and in one case, little bits of our skin into them. I think Fretsy.com would be perfect.
It’s completely possible and actually, somewhat likely, that a website like this already exists. I don’t know. I didn’t do the research. If there isn’t, one of you should start it up. I would, but I’m kind of lazy, my follow through sucks ass, and I get bored easily. This probably goes a long way toward explaining my crafting skills.
I could contribute the following:
An ornament made out of seashells shaped in a wreath.
A shelf in my kitchen with words stenciled on it. The letters might have bled a little bit.
A bookshelf that I planned to cover in pennies. I got about 17% done.
So which one of you are going to start this shit up? Seriously, I think it could take off. Unless one already exists. Which it probably does.
I think this can be the tagline for the new website:
FUCK IT, COVER IT IN GLITTER!
Edited: Apparently there is, or used to be, a site called regretsy. So..in addition to not being crafty, I am also unoriginal. Sooo…I changed it to Fretsy.
Brilliant! I tend to cover things that are only 1/2 finished in cement. That way, all I have to say is ‘look, I made a mosaic!’
And there used to be a regretsy.com, but it was just poking fun of other people’s failed things on etsy, and that’s mean, so it closed. You should at least buy the name, and sell it to the enterprising mind that steals your idea. Which won’t be me, cause you can’t cement a website.
HAHAHAH…I have had someone tell me already that it existed..so much for my brilliant idea.. 🙂
That could be the next biggest thing! People could have collections of half finished pieces and it would be artsy because it’s the style. Like those paintings that have one dot in the middle of the page and apparently have a lot of meaning. Except better because they’re half finished. We need to start this. I have tons of things to contribute.
Yeah, this is awesome…we’re gonna be RICH
What a fantastic idea !! I have a heap of stuff I could show case. Maybe after month end if I have some time I can look into it – LOL !
Have the best day !
Me
Thank you!!
I think there might be a lot of us that have some major crafting fails.
BWAH HA HA HA! As a fellow non-crafter I totally related to this post! And I love Fretsy…genius! :)-Ashley
Thank you…although, apparently, it’s been done
I can knit holes if that’s any good to anyone?
I’ve taken an ambien..so this is my excuse. By knitting holes do you mean you don’t actually knit? Because i suspect I could knit a hole. I might be doing that right now
I can make awesome jewelry, sew all kinds of stuff, but cannot decorate a room to save my life. I’d tone down the other skills for some room decorating ability. Seriously.
I can decorate in theory. I need my mother to do the painting, though. She fucking rocks. She tried really hard to talk me out of my red living room…after it was done though, she admitted it was awesome. She’s rescued couches by recovering them and furniture by painting…she’s great.
Um… I sewed up the rips in the handmedown couch we got form a friend. Does that count for anything?
i think it does!
There is also something called “Pinstrosity” where people post their Pinterest fails in a “NAILED IT” kind of fashion. I love that you got 17% of the way through covering something with pennies. That’s the kind of thing you should include when introducing yourself to someone for the first time.
Also: I am not the least bit crafty. I am a monster at following instructions in all areas of life so it stands to reason that I can’t complete a craft to save my life. I like to paint but it’s more of a “get your hands in there, let me see what happens if I rub my hair in it” kind of way. It’s as frightening as it sounds.
No, I get that completely. The only things I do that turn out well are the ones where I’m covered in paint. I actually had success with painting flower pots..they’re messing and wild, but I love them. I can also complete crafts where they come prepackaged for ages 5 and up.
You’re right..I should start introducing myself with that information. It tells everyone all they need to know. 🙂
I like the idea of recycle/repurpose/reuse. My page on Fretsy will consist of shit made out of garbage…candy wrappers made into a raincoat, for example. Because people LOVE THAT SHIT.
I’m equally glue-gun- and glitter-impaired.
people DO love that shit..they do! that’s a GREAT idea!
Craft on, young lady!
Hahha..sooner or later, I’ll get one right.
I love your whole “cover it in glitter” concept! I’m laughing, because I’m a HORRIBLE crafter. I don’t get the concept of “less is more,” so I keep going until I have something that is completely ungapotchket (a Yiddish term meaning ridiculously overdecorated). I recently took up stained glass, however, and think I finally found my art form. You can’t overdo stained glass, because it’s one layer with nothing else on it!
oooohhh…that sounds awesome!
I like fretsy more! Also, would love to see some pictures of these mistakes. I feel for you though, I remember trying to hide my crafts all through school because they never turned out quite right.
I will take a picture of my next attempt. Or I could just take pictures of my sister’s crafts and pass them off as mine! Middle sister comments on my blog, though..and she would totally rat me out.
I feel ya. I can’t craft worth a darn. Luckily no one in my family can either so I can say it’s hereditary. I would totally take credit for the quilts! You did something so it totally counts.
I’m ‘working’ on two of them now!
I, too, get the urge to craft once or twice a year. Then I drink wine until the urge goes away. I’ll totally mock your stuff at fretsy tho. 😉
hahah…well, I’ll try to remember to take pictures of my fails..
Oh hell, I love you. Seriously. Love. You. And you’re FAR from alone here. My sibs and ma are AWESOME sewers – wait, that’s not right – seamstresses – nope. Well, they sew. They’re incredible. I’m lucky if a button sticks. I’ve used glue and tape when I couldn’t find the needles and thread. Not proud, but I’ve done it. But I saw a foot warmer craft thingie on that damn Pinterest site a few weeks back and insisted I wanted a sewing machine for Christmas. I told hub and kiddo. Both gave me the same reaction: the one-eyed brow raise, followed by the smirk, and then the words…”Um, hun/ma, you don’t sew” Me: “Yeah, yeah, I know. But that’s the fun of LEARNING! I can LEARN to sew!” Them: “Uh, no ya can’t. Remember you tried?” Me: *glare* “Have some faith in me, dammit!” Them: *laughing* “Faith is not the problem. You can’t sew. You have no patience for that stuff and you’ll throw a goddamn sewing machine out the window and into the lake. Really? A $300 toy for future fish food?”
OK. Maybe they had a point. But I can still pretend I could maybe, someday learn…right? And if not…I can sure as hell cover it in glitter!
it’s like we’re sisters. I have also expressed a desire for a sewing machine. I still don’t have one. It’s best. I don’t have the patience for that shit..I just don’t. I love it in THEORY…but practice? Nooooope.