Everyone calm down just a moment.

I am not suggesting anyone consider their age when dressing for Halloween. Be what you want! Sexy Forest Ranger! Hot Scuba Diver! Slutty Vaccinated Person!

Personally, I think the scariest costume would be to dress like Brett Kavanaugh with a pocketful of roofies.

Of course, I understand that the actual Brett Kavanaugh sitting on the Supreme Court is way scarier, but ’tis the season and all.

I don’t usually dress for Halloween. Not because I’m against it, just because dressing up requires an effort.

I think I am going to dress for Halloween at work this year though.

I’m going to dress exactly the same as I normally would, but I’m going to pretend that my hips don’t hurt and go as Michelle from 5 years ago.

Anyway, I do have some suggestions regarding costumes women over fifty should retire.

Fake Smile Woman – You know that one. The one where someone walks past you and commands that you smile? Our purpose in life isn’t to contort our faces in a manner that some dude finds more pleasing to look at. My suggestion is to tell them to stick a fork in their eye and then you’ll smile.

Complain-o Girl – There is so much to complain about right now. There is. I get that. But damn, do not spend every waking moment complaining about everything. Seek out beauty. Make your own. Draw a picture or sing a song. Find something to be grateful for. Find a reason to be happy for someone else.

That being said, if most of the words that fall out of your face hole are negative, you are goddamn exhausting.

Judgy McJudgerson – This has never been a sexy look. We need to build all our sisters up. We have to stop tearing each other down. Be cognizant of your thoughts and words. Instead of judging each other for our how we adorn ourselves, weight or lifestyle choices, we should offer love, encouragement, and a leg up.

For those of us over fifty? We’re rounding the bases and heading for home. If we want to leave the world a better place when we leave, what better way than helping to pave the way for those coming up?

I guess we’re rounding the bases. I’m not a sports person, but that sounds right.

Scary “I want to see the manager” Woman – No. Don’t. Just stop. No full size candy bars for you.

Queen Passive-Aggressive – Not to be a downer or anything, but like I said, we’re not getting any younger. Say what you mean. Speak your concerns directly. It’s not easy to do that. Sometimes, when I do, my throat actually aches because it tightens up so much. But we deserve to express our concerns and desires in a direct manner.

I’m Sorry Girl – There are two ways to wear this costume and you should wear neither. First, we don’t have to apologize for existing. We don’t have to apologize for our opinions. We don’t have to apologize all goddamn day long. The second way is stating an opinion with “I’m sorry, but”.

Ask yourself this: Are you sorry? Really? Probably not. If you have an opinion, don’t start it with “I’m sorry, but”. It’s wishy washy and judgy. Both at the same time.

When I Was Your Age Woman – Let’s not try to shame our younger sisters with “Well, when I was your age” bullshit. Because remember what we hated when we were their age? We hated the “When I was your age” bullshit. Our bullshit is no more or less bullshit than was our mother’s and grandmother’s bullshit. So let’s just not do this.

I hope that you all have a safe and fun Halloween.

I hope you are vaccinated and wearing masks in public. Masks aren’t just for Halloween, you know.

You know, I think I might change my costume for work. I might pretend my hips don’t hurt and I can eat onions. Then, I can be Michelle from 10 years ago.

***Edited for honesty. I still eat onions. I do. But I pay a price at least 85% of the time. Sometimes with tears. But they are onions and onions are awesome. And so is ham. And garlic. But not cucumbers. They are right out. I tried a seedless one recently and thought I’d be fine because it’s the seeds that kill me. Alas, I still felt like I was dying after I ate it. I was a notch or two away from calling a life squad. The pain radiated up both sides of my jaw and made my ears ache. I had at least an hour to play “Really bad heartburn or major cardiac event?” So, cucumbers are really out. Probably. I guess I should stick with the “5 years ago” Michelle.