Have you considered menopause as being dangerous?
I don’t know. I suspect menopause is different for everyone who experiences it. I think in my house it will be most dangerous for my husband. I very nearly always like him and I’d like for him to get through this stage in our life intact.
Perhaps an education is what he needs. Or a guide. A menopausal GPS, of sorts, for his upcoming trip.
Keep your stupid menopause jokes to yourself
I mean this is the kindest of ways, my darling. Light of my life. Sweet britches. You aren’t as goddamn funny as you think you are. Ask yourself this question: Is telling that lame ass menopause joke worth having a mascara wand shoved through your nostril into your frontal lobe? Lobotomy via Maybelline gets ugly.
Tropical moments don’t mean we’re on vacation
If I’ve said the words “I’m hot” the danger is upon you. It’s in your best interest to start opening windows and turning on fans. If I’m hot, your comfort is no longer a consideration. The only thing you need to focus on is lowering the temperature. Put on a sweater if you’re cold.
No, I don’t hate you, but my hormones really dislike you
Give the hormones five minutes and they’ll love you again. Unless there’s a tropical moment. Or unless you just told another joke.
Don’t take it personally, asshole
We also need to come to an agreement that ‘asshole’ is now an acceptable term of endearment. Personally, I feel that my ability to more freely speak my mind as personal growth. I can see how you might not be as enamored with my new freedom as I am. On the other hand, don’t be an asshole about it.
Understanding goes a long way
Agreeing with me goes even further. I am just as confounded by a lot of these changes as you are. I am also confused by a lot of things I hear falling out of my mouth hole. Be patient. One of us has to be.
Don’t expect logic, Mr. Spock
Do you have any idea how often you don’t make sense? The way I see it, it’s my turn. Accept that laughter and tears in a 10 minute period is the new norm. It’s also possible that any youtube video you show me will invoke tears. Even the ones of screaming goats.
Stop humping my leg
Seriously, I’m about to re-enact at least three scenes from The Exorcist. And for fuck’s sake, sometimes I need to bend over to pick something up. Resist the urge. I know you’ve gotten away with this behavior for years, but trust me when I tell you this. Molesting me when I’m trying to get the dishwasher fluid from under the sink is going to end badly for you. Very, very badly.
Boobs are now a grope free zone
They hurt. If you don’t believe me, perhaps a demo swat to your testicular area might convince you.
Why yes, I’m developing the “old lady odor”
You could try convincing me that you like my new smell. Risky, yes, and will probably end in tears. Best to just claim to not notice or you could just spend a couple hundred bucks at Sephora. Cheap ass.
Turn up the fan high and pray for a polar vortex
Don’t even think about draping your arm or leg over me. Keep your stomach to yourself. Don’t rest your hand on me. Don’t breath your hot breath on my neck or in my ear. In fact, keep both hands and one leg hanging over the side of the bed.
Don’t roll your eyes or sigh deeply or make any comments if I turn the heat up or down in the car so rapidly that the twirling dial is keeping beat with the music. I also don’t want to hear about how you are cold. Pretend you’re Charles Ingalls and shut your face hole.
Also, stop breathing and chewing so loud. Quit reloading the dishwasher after I load it and don’t start any conversations with ‘we need to have a talk’ unless the next words out of your mouth are earth shattering.
There’s a storm a comin’
Just ride it out with me, baby. From what I understand, the storm doesn’t last forever. Just for years. Up to 7 or more. Good luck.
Did I forget anything? Do you have any nuggets of wisdom you’d like to pass along to our significant others? If so, add your comment just so hubs can twist a little bit longer.
Here’s my word of advice to your husband: learn to cook. Or learn to enjoy cooking. Or be happy to go get take-out on a moment’s notice. And keep a chocolate pie in the refrigerator or freezer at all times.
ooohhh…chocolate pie…
Ok, I am truly frightened now. Momus and I (and be certain, I have already sent him this link) are already worrying about how we will surveive “the change”. My pre-menopausal self is not a walk in the park on a good day.
Although 1) I already use asshole as a term of endearment, and 2) he’s always hot. So I figure we’re partway there.
I had to crash into early menopause due to taking out all my lady parts, about five years ago. It. Was. Not. Fun.
This is about right!! My favorite is the new ‘smell’ we take on… what THE? And perhaps we shall embrace the break outs as a reminder of our youthful years? I am more greasy than I ever have been…
Metabolism has completely shut down, notice that? I DO. My lovely bulging thighs and bouncing belly tell me about this every day.
🙂
This is awesome. Every now and it squarely on the freaking head.
I fear for my husband…
BAHAHAHAHAAAA ‘demo swat’. Oh…these are all just… exactly right!
*wipes tear of laughter*
I find I’m asking “is it a million degrees in here, or is it me?” a lot lately. And everything, happy or sad, makes me cry. Every.thing. wtf?
Tidbit: Refrain, at all times and in every circumstance, from uttering the phrase:
“Wow. You’re too young to be (fill in the blank with whatever’s ailing you today).” There’s no good way out of that conversation.
Ugh. All of the above . . .
haha. The only time we didn’t fight about the thermostat was when I was going through this. He was so happy about the hot flashes thing – less covers, lower thermostat, and I was his hot water bottle when he got into bed with cold feet.
Here’s hoping it lasts a lot less than 7 years – it was only one for me.
Oh I hope it’s not 7….
My friend bled for two months straight when she started going through the change. The doctor told her that some times that happens and tested her for anemia, which she didn’t have. Since the bleeding stopped, she says she likes everything a lot better.
Being a 54 year old single male, I think I’ll just go back to my corner and try not to piss anyone off with my humor…
THAT is why I had my uterus burned out…no one has time for that.
Oh my… This link needs to be bookmarked. My grandmother kicked my grandfather out when she was going through her changes. Was convinced he was sneaking around behind her back. He was – with Chivas Regal. Copious amounts of Chivas Regal.
Hahahaha…oh man…at least I haven’t gone that far yet…
I am tempted to staple this list to my husband’s head. He is slowly learning to lay low and not poke at me (in all contexts!) I am coming to understand why so many mediaeval, middle aged women buggered off into nunneries…
HAHAHA…you should think really hard about that forehead stapling thing..
Oh – I’ve never met you but I love you. You have put into writing everything I’ve been going through for almost three years. Finally, I have a way to make my husband understand!! Of course, since we live in New England and he’s adapted to sleeping with the window open every night, even when it’s -10 degrees out there in winter, I think he has a vague beginner’s knowledge of the temperature thing………
Thank you so much!!! And yes…the windows are always open. They are open right now. In the bedroom at least.
I sat here reading this—–nodding, nodding—–like a bobblehead—nodding…. lol My mom had a complete hysterectomy back in the early 70s, just as I reached my teen years! Oh joy!! Needless to say, it was like a war zone at times. I’ve heard that immediate surgical menopause has symptoms far worse than “Nature’s Way” and now that I myself have experienced the decade that is perimenopause, my heart goes out to her. She is gone now, but every day, I look upward and apologize for not understanding. (And I, too, had one of those narcissistic fathers, so, you know, not a fun time!) And my poor husband learned very quickly, although I STILL get the “You’re HOT????” when I want to turn the AC on and it’s only 68 degrees outside. (I live in South Florida. Wait until summer! You may see me on the national news for the wrong reasons! Haha!) My arm pits now have the odor of an Italian sub sandwich with red onions and when I complain about it, my husband responds, “Well, I like Italian subs!” Do I have him trained well or WHAT? Do not worry, you and your husband and kids will get through this with humor intact! And who knows? Before long, you could be asking for a “boob grope”! 😉 Stay strong and stay funny! Trust me, it helps! XO
Thank you! Thank you so much!!!
Hilarious post! Lots of truth in it, too. Luckily, my husband and I survived menopause without too much trouble. (From my point of view, anyway; he might have an entirely different opinion of the matter.)
Better warn your hubby not to make any smart-ass comments about your increasing facial hair, too, even if you do start to look like the bearded lady. The onset of menopause is quite a few years behind me now, but alas, the hair continues to grow, and finding a way to get rid of it is my new hobby. Then again, maybe we shouldn’t worry about facial stubble too much. They’ve been giving us whisker burns for years; maybe it’s their turn.
Oh hell…I’ve been dealing with the facial hair for a long time.
I cannot begin to tell you how many things I used to have on instant recall have fallen into the menopausal blackhole…mostly words… And umm… I forget…
Randy ( and Joey) should be prepared to answer to whatever goddamn name you call them, definitely each other’s name, for example…without drawing attention to it… They should also remain calm and unflinchingly silent when you run through a list of names , including your father, your first grade teacher and every pet you have ever owned, before you get to their name.
HAHAHAHA….Yes…I do that. I do that all the time.
My current husband should be grateful that my lady parts were removed when i was in my 30’s. Bloody hell! Unfortunately for him, however, my thyroid is misfunctioning–that’s a word, right? So I’m constantly taking off and putting on clothes, not to mention the ever changing energy levels and mood swings. Lucky for him, I have a variety of hobbies to distract me. Some of those hobbies involve hooks and sharp objects, however.
Do men get to experience any drastic hormonal changes in their lifetimes?!
Thanks for sharing the funny!
I think even if they don’t suffer hormone changes, if they are married to someone who does..then they kind of do.
Seven years. Yep, that’s how long mine lasted, and my husband lived to see the next decade or so. He learned to keep his mouth shut early on. I’m sure he was thinking who is this bitch and what has she done with my formerly sweet wife? The best thing, I finally learned to speak up and say what I was thinking without tamping it down and eating it the way I always did. Yep, still doing that, but maybe not in such a witchy-poo voice.
And what’s up with the smell thing?? I never had to wear deodorant my whole life, and now it’s disgusting, but only in my right armpit. What? The left one is fine…just the right one.
I had a similar thing!! ONE armpit was all sweaty..not the other one…what the hell?
Wait! There is an “old lady odor”??? What the fuck is that? Do I have it? I must have it, because I’m firmly in menopause now. Is it just that I don’t have a husband anymore to tell me that I…smell? I’m totally going to be walking around sniffing at myself for the next week or so – thanks for that.
Hahha…well..I think mine is just from sweating more than I used to..
I need to post this list on our bathroom mirror so that my husband can read it and reread it EVERYDAY. I think a must have for all women who are dealing with menopause is “Why is Mid-Life Mooching your Mojo?” by author Dr. Joni Labbe (http://mojogirlfriends.com). She is a certified clinical nutritionist and gives tons of tips and resources and writes in a way that is easy to follow and understand. This book is primarily for women as it covers menopause, weight problems, and thyroid issues but I think married men would benefit from reading it to gain some insight and empathy into what many women are dealing with as they age. I really hope you will all check it out! My husband is pretending to read it as I type this post 🙂
Oh thank you so much! I will definitely check that out.
Old lady smell? Good God I bet I have it, but I have no sense of smell anymore. I’m fucked. Thanks. No, really thanks for telling me I smell. It must be really bad it y’all can smell me from way over there. Donuts must be the remedy for this, going to Dunkin Donuts rn. Toodles!
Get me an apple spice while you’re there…
In menopause, I’ve learned that most of my husband’s jokes are juvenile, he has very little compassion, he’s self-involved, he wants to be cheered on if he does the dishes once or makes dinner, he doesn’t have a romantic bone is his body, and he thinks foreplay is rubbing himself up against me while I’m sleeping (after he hasn’t had a single conversation with me all day). Other than that, everything is fine between us. When I get to the other side of menopause I have no idea what’s gonna happen. I appreciate that you had the guts to write this honest blog post.
Ouch. My husband has moments of being annoying, but he is overall supportive and fun to be with.
I hope what you find on the other side of menopause is peace and contentment. 🙂
Every time I read something you have written, I want to head down the road and find you! You are so awesome. Really! Totally awesome.
He hasn’t dared reload the dishwasher lately. Or tell the joke that it looks like it was loaded by Attila the Hun.
HAHAH..awesome! Thank you so much!!!
Very reasonable!