28 Days Later

Posted on by under Humor

Nope. Not a zombie post. Nothing about zombies. Other than fuck The Walking Dead for not coming back until February. That’s some bullshit.

This is a different 28 days later.

My last few posts have been slightly disconnected and rambling. Trust me when I tell you, I went through some shit. Still am.

Everything with me is fine. The current situation I’m dealing with is not my story, I will just say that someone I love with all that is me is suffering in a big bad way and I’m both terrified and profoundly sad.

My days are consumed with not slipping into the black hole of depression and constant slap fight with anxiety. Oh, and dealing with a new job.

It occurred to me on Friday evening, after a frozen turkey  incident, that I had another very real thing to be worried about.

As of midnight on January 1, we became one of the many families with no health insurance.

This isn’t a permanent issue. In 28 days, we’ll be insured again. I have to get through my probation period at work before it kicks in.

I have the option of picking up COBRA from my last job in case something big happens, but fucking hell, its over 1700.00 for the family plan, just for one month. Who has that kind of extra money?

Okay, sure, some of you probably do, but I am in the ‘don’t have a spare 1700.00 laying around’ club. This is also why we still haven’t replaced our broke ass central unit.

I have written about being socially awkward and my awkward superhero alter-ego, Amazing Graceless, but the truth is, it’s not just mental thing. I’m physically rather clumsy as well.

Randy and I had our 18th wedding anniversary yesterday. We spent it binge watching Comedy Bang Bang. In the 18 years Randy and I have been together, I’ve either seen a doctor or gone to the ER for the following injuries: Not an exhaustive list. I don’t like to write super long posts, though. 

  • Slipped on an icy railroad tie and sprained my ankle.
  • Got attacked by fire ants. The one and only time I’ve ever even seen fire ants.
  • Gave myself a concussion with a measuring cup. In my defense, it was one of those huge  4 cup Pyrex measuring cups. I knocked it from an upper shelf and it bounced off my forehead. It also opened up a scar I’ve had since I was five years old. 
  • Stabbed my left index finger nearly all the way through trying to separate frozen pork chops.
  • Burned my right index finger by using it to remove the mesh lid from the fire pit with by hooking it with my finger. This was after a fire had been burning all evening. Alcohol was involved. I also sobered up against my will. 
  • Burned the skin from my right wrist on a dishwasher coil, missed a brand new tattoo by a kitten hair.
  • I realize the expression isn’t usually ‘kitten hair’ but I don’t like the expression ‘cunt hair’. I am not offended by the word ‘cunt’ but I don’t like the expression ‘cunt hair’.
  • I also realize the last bullet point isn’t an injury.
  • My blog, my bullet points.
  • Tore my rotator cuff. I never did get it fixed. So I can’t really hold my arm out laterally. Why would I need to do that anyway?

Those are just a sampling. There were other burns and cuts. Mostly burns. I also tend to get ill. The last few years have been filled with sinus issues, acid reflux and my recent horrifying bout with an intestinal infection. Between injuring myself and being a virus magnet, I go to the doctor a lot.

I’m also a professional level hypochondriac, but I hate to brag about my world class status.

So now, I’m sitting here in my bed, re-watching Walking Dead episodes, trying to not think about going back to work tomorrow. I’m wondering if the universe could toss me a break for the next 28 days and keep me and my family safe from bugs and harm.

During the cold and flu season.

Which brings me to the frozen turkey breast incident.

Randy and I were having our Friday marathon skype session with our mountain friends and I left the room to get some ice water.

I was feeling good because I had a few drinks and they weren’t making me sick to my stomach. I opened the freezer and grabbed some ice from the bag when a frozen turkey breast lurched forward and tried to make a break for it.

I grabbed at it and a number of things didn’t happen. The glass in my hand didn’t shatter against the turkey breast and slice my wrist open. The turkey breast didn’t drop from the freezer onto my bare foot, which really, was just asking for it.

I shoved the turkey breast to the back of the freezer while simultaneously kicking a few errant ice cubes under the fridge. Go ahead, TELL me that’s not where you store your ice cubes that fall to the floor. 

My cup was still short a few ice cubes and as I pulled them from the bag, I noticed the turkey breast was quivering, ever so slightly, and inching forward. It was like a moment in a frozen turkey horror movie. Scary music should have been playing while the audience shouted out ‘Shut the freezer door you crazy bitch! SHUT THE DOOR’.

Then I did shut the door and the moment passed. The turkey breast did not break my foot.

I told my mountain friend this story when I got back in the room.

Mountain girl: So, really, what you’re saying is nothing happened.

Me: Well, that is one way of looking at it.

Mountain girl: It was a lame story. I mean, not even a story.

Me: It was a ‘not problem’ story.

I am most grateful that a frozen bird carcass didn’t break any of my bones. I hope that trend continues during these few weeks I have to get through flying without a net.

Here’s to the next 28 days passing without incident. I could use a break.

Well, not a break. 

You know what I mean.

 

 

75 Thoughts.

  1. Good luck and my you be illness and injury free for the next 28 days.

    It’s scary to be without health insurance, but seriously, anyone who could afford $1700 for a month of health insurance can probably pay their hospital bills out of pocket.

    Reply

  2. Btw, I agree with you about:
    1. Cunt hair
    2. The turkey story IS a story
    3. You will be safe for 28 days so long as you don’t open the freezer. That fucker sounds like a death trap!

    Reply

  3. In the last year, we’ve had three different insurance carriers since my husband lost his marbles, quit his job, came to work with me (freelance) and then found his marbles and was able to get a more stable teaching position with the local university. The good news is now we have state health insurance. The bad news: all the insurance companies are all quarreling over who is covering us for the past year, and now they’re auditing us.

    I’m sorry you’re stressed. Stay away from turkey and I’m sure you’ll be fine.

    Reply

  4. I will keep everything crossable crossed for you this month! I spent $700 I could not afford to on COBRA this past summer in fear of all manner of injury and disease raining down on me during the 30 day window.

    If you are worried about cold and flu season maybe look into some homeopathic stuff. Google “flu bomb” for a kit of natural oils you can use. I have a friend who swears by it.

    I’d keep typing, but it’s difficult with my fingers being crossed and all…

    Reply

  6. Sorry to hear that you’re feeling sad, Michelle, and I hope the issue improves soon. I have Medicare because I’m disabled, and Medi-Cal because I’m poor, and last month I found out that between the two of them my eye surgery would be covered. Which is fortunate, as I don’t have spare money laying around either.
    I would say that you could do 28 days standing on your head, but after reading your hilarious post I think I’ll just STFU and wish you the best of luck.

    Reply

  7. The turkey breast story made me laugh out loud — especially the part about the frozen turkey horror movie and the audience shrieking out a warning! I was going to say how lucky it was that you had your hospitalization last month (although I can see that calling intestinal infections and the ongoing shit that goes with it “lucky” is counter-intuitive) — but in reading your post I see that is just NO guarantee that you (or a turkey breast) won’t leave you unscathed for the next four weeks.

    If you didn’t have the new job, I’d recommend that you didn’t leave your bed for 28 days — but then you’d probably get infected bedsores or something — so that’s out. Maybe you can just move in slow motion for a month — that way, you can see the shit coming before it hits — and maybe move out of the way?

    I’ll be pulling from you (but from here – because obviously it is dangerous to be around you!)

    Reply

    • I’m not gonna lie…I am clumsy..but RARELY cause injury to others. There was ONE ski lift incident, but that’s it. I think. I don’t really remember…you see, I got hit in the head with a measuring cup once..

      Reply

  10. and I am guessing just going to bed for the next 28 days is out of the question….

    Hope things settle down for your friend…..

    I totally agree with your turkey story. Things not happening is sometimes the way better story.

    Take care.

    No, really.

    Take.
    Care.

    Reply

  11. I have a turkey in the freezer and no insurance. Until now I did not realize that was a dangerous combination. I thought it was a great non-story, but now I am kinda worried.

    Reply

  13. The Ballad of Michelle:

    Almost broke her foot but she didn’t
    From a turkey that went a skiddin
    Could have been a story to tell
    Michelle

    Reply

  15. You definitely need bubble wrap and Lysol to get you through the month. Good luck! And, I am ever-fearful of dropping frozen poultry on my toe. Seriously…I think about this every holiday where I have to deal with cooking/thawing a bird. I stress myself out about it. One day, it’s gonna happen…

    Reply

  16. Stay at home. Lock the doors and wear a HAZMAT suit. Oh yeah, and wash your hands every five minutes, and don’t make direct eye contact with another human for the next 28 days (they say you catch things through the eyes (while do you think they call it the “evil eye?”)

    Oh, and stay away from turkey. Not many people are aware of the growing number of dead and frozen turkeys that are taking their revenge on unsuspecting humans. Imagine my horror when I opened my fridge on Christmas and saw the blood splatter left by that sinister beast. Turkeys are fucking evil and probably contagious. I’m not kidding

    Reply

  19. I firmly believe that we should just wrap you in bubble wrap for the remainder of January. Kudos for not breaking a foot with the frozen turkey, let’s keep it that way for the remainder of the year!

    Reply

  22. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only accident-prone bruise magnet around here. Our whole family tends to be clutzy, and sometimes–when there’s nothing lurking around to lunge out and hurt one of us for real–we will just randomly all crash into each other. You know, just to keep up our skill set.

    I always kick the ice cubes under. And then, EVERY TIME, I have this momentary flash-foward mentally where I see someone who didn’t kick the ice cube, unknowingly coming into the kitchen and slipping on that one little spot of water left on the floor and breaking their hip right there in front of my fridge. So, then I have to wipe UP the wet spot, which kind of negates my first move of kicking the cube and causes twice as much work… Sometimes I’ll just say, “Hey, if you guys go in the kitchen, watch for water on the floor”, because, eventually it will dry up, right?

    We haven’t had insurance for like 12 years. We finally got some as of Jan 1, so, yeah. It will be nice to go be able to go to the doctor for stuff that doesn’t fall under the criteria of *possibly dying*. I can’t even remember what that’s like. Shane’s been working on a broken leg bone right now since before Thanksgiving, but it seems like, “why go in now? It’s halfway healed already.” I think we’re still not fully grasping the whole concept of insurance yet…

    I’m rambling, but thanks for making me actually laugh out loud at your “not a problem story”! 🙂 Happy belated anniversary, and keep your chin up, on the other.

    Reply

  23. kitten hair vs cunt hair! SHIT ME TOO!!!!
    god i laughed over that one! it doesn’t bother me either when the cunt stands alone. but put hair with it and then it’s so naughty, icky and dirty.
    dirty cunt hair. yeeeeeeee!!!! hang on i have to go wash my hands.

    that health care shit. you know (or maybe not) i am an american expat living abroad. i have universal health care (love it) i worry so much about ever coming back to the states and having to worry about health insurance.
    scares the hell out of me as much as flying frozen turkey!

    Reply

  24. I would go and buy a massive roll of bubble-wrap, wrap it around yourself, cut a hole in the assignment area for, um, drainage, and then get hubby to periodically put things in your mouth to keep you alive. Kind of like how you look after a baby but with less screaming (maybe) and more time for watching TV.

    PS. I’ve never had a baby. Clearly.

    Best of luck with an incident free January, and congratulations on not being knocked unconscious by the tree that fell over in my back yard yesterday.

    Reply

  25. I for one loved your happy ending frozen turkey story. Let’s face it, you were lucky to come out unscathed. Damn possessed turkey breasts. Some tips (take em or leave em, you won’t hurt my feelings) — just for the next 28 days, go lighter on the spirits (okay, maybe not), closed toed shoes (yes even in the house), and I can’t think of a third but you mentioned the apple cider vinegar up there and that’s good. Oh, got one — probiotics, take probiotics.

    Reply

  29. I’d suggest you eat out (your freezer does sound lethal) but then, you’d have to drive and walk on potentially dangerous sidewalks and other hazards. Maybe order pizza a lot? Good luck!

    Reply

  30. I think the turkey story is great – I love a disaster averted story. I can remember getting something out of the freezer with a cup in my hand and thinking – you always try to do this with something in one of your hands and shit goes everywhere. Then I PUT THE CUP DOWN! And nothing bad happened because I had both hands free. I wanted a fucking parade to celebrate the fact that I FINALLY learned from past experience. Normally, I would respond to that rational voice in my head with “there’s no time for your entirely reasonable precautions, I must have soft pretzels now” and plow on to my inevitable doom.

    Best of luck with the insurance free period. And, for God’s sake, don’t consult WebMD if you aren’t feeling well.

    Reply

    • You are my hero. I will remember these wise words and PUT THE CUP DOWN first! BRILLIANT!!!!

      Yeah, WebMD is right out. Well, forever, because even when I DO get insurance, it’s complete shit. Not even kidding. The deductible for a family is 10K. I’m so much not happy about this.

      Reply

  31. It sucks that you have to worry about something like this in a modern world but that being said…..wrap yourself liberally in bubble wrap for the whole month, don’t cook anything that requires sharp implements, let someone else get the turkey out of the freezer and definitely stay away from fire, especially when there is alcohol involved until you’re 100% covered again!
    🙂
    Echinacea is good for warding off colds, might be worth nabbing some from the health food store.

    Reply

  33. Ugh, the freezer is a death trap. Thankfully, I don’t tend to have stray ice cubes. The dog used to think they were treats but I think she wised up. I throw ’em in the sink just so nobody falls and dies in the kitchen because I didn’t pick up the ice (and/or so it doesn’t turn into an iceberg in my frigid central NY kitchen right now, ugh)

    Insurance is PROHIBITIVELY priced. I don’t even understand. I feel very lucky my new boss (well, we’ve had her for a year and change now) went to bat for us at the library to pay considerably less for our insurance.

    Reply

  34. You had me at “rotator cuff”. We have a “high deductible” plan for the past 3 years. It’s basically my paying out the entire family-plan deductible since my son hardly ever goes to the doc (which usually occurs around November/December) and then I’m covered for everything, except thyroid medication for some reason, 100%. Oh, and the only nice part of that is that my employer pays more than half my deductible if I complete an online health assessment and participate in the free biometric screening that happens on-site. Not horrible, I suppose.

    Reply

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