One of my strengths?

Good damn interviews. I excel at job interviews. I’m never nervous, I give clear, well thought out answers. I fucking ROCK the interviews.

It’s the actual WORK part that I struggle with. Not to stray off topic here, but I don’t get people who say “Oh, I could NEVER quit my job. I’d get bored”.

Do these people understand how much stuff there is to do? Unless your job is SUPER exciting, I could probably come up with a hundred things in less than 30 minutes that are more exciting than your job.

In my case, I work in a cubicle. Everything is more exciting than my job.

Here they are, my five interview tips. That are probably very bad tips.

1. Don’t shy away from the weakness question. Personally, I hate this question. It’s a standard question that they ALWAYS ask. Who wants to talk about weaknesses on a job interview? Isn’t a job interview where you’re supposed to talk about how great you are? I say, if they’re going to ask, then just give them an honest answer. Such as “I cut myself in the kitchen ALL the time. If you want to know how I’ll be spending money on health care? It’s going to be on tetanus shots and stitches”. Or “I’m just not super reliable when my hormones kick into overdrive. I get a little spacey sometimes and I can be a TOTAL unreasonable bitch when the hot flashes flair up”.

2. Where do you see yourself in 5 years. The only question I dislike more than the ‘weakness’ question is this one. I hate this question. I don’t have a working crystal ball and my magic 8 ball is an unreliable dick. One time, on a phone interview, I answered that in 5 years, I wanted to be a princess. I’m not lying. I actually gave that answer. I even got offered the job. I turned it down though. They required working on Saturdays. I say FUCK working every Saturday.  I’m not saying the princess answer is the best one to give EVERY time, especially if you are male, but try to come up with something different than the first response you found on Google.

3. Dress the way you’ll be seen every day. If I dressed for the job I WANT, then I’d be going on interviews and showing up at my job right now in my monkey pajamas. The job I WANT would mean I spend most of my time in a bathrobe. That isn’t to say you should show up in a bathrobe. Dress appropriately, but don’t put on airs or when you’re offered the job and you show up for work the way you USUALLY look, then they won’t recognize you and you’ll be escorted out by security.

4. Be honest about your skills. Unless your skills are really mediocre or non-existent..then lie your ass off. You can always figure it out as you go. Bonus: Putting yourself under that kind of stress when starting a new job will probably curtail your appetite and you’ll lose weight.

5. Remember to use the interviewer’s name often. It’s true. People LOVE the sound of their own name. For example, you could say “Bob, can I expect a reserved parking space and hot coffee on my desk every morning”? Or “Bob, how does the company feel about personal phone calls”?  Also “Bob, I just want to let you know, that if you occasionally find me under my desk in a fetal position sobbing and clutching a picture of Robert Downey Jr, that in NO WAY will affect my job performance”. Keep in mind, these answers are NOT appropriate if you are interviewing with someone whose name is NOT Bob. My suggestion is to only interview with Bobs.

Bob is a funny name, isn’t it?

I’m actually considering making a change, so interviewing is on my mind these days. Wish me luck! And you all don’t mind if I use you as a reference, right?