I saw a tattoo recently that said ‘If You Can Do No Good, At Least Do No Harm’

The lettering was loopy and pretty and I liked the tattoo. Not enough to consider it, but still..it was pretty.

Point is, I don’t know if these tips will do you any good, but I’m nearly POSITIVE they will do no harm.

1. Don’t Wash Your Hair Every Day. Okay, unless you’ve worked out and sweated buckets, then you PROBABLY should wash it. Although, even then, I think you could get away with just rinsing it out. I’ve spent DECADES fighting with my hair. Other than the 80s where it was just just permed and huge. It might have looked ridiculous, but it was easy to care for. I stopped washing my hair every day about a year ago and do you know what happened? It’s not frizzy and dried out and it’s manageable and it looks fucking AWESOME at least 55% of the time. Which is so much better than previously when it looked good just after leaving the hair salon. Also, try pouring some apple cider vinegar in it once a month or so. My sister in law taught me that trick and it’s amazing. PLUS..you smell like a salad for a whole day.

2. Olive Oil, Not Just For Bread Dipping. Rub a little olive oil into your skin after you get out the shower and then you won’t be all ashy. You KNOW you’re ashy. Run your finger nails over your arm, right now. Did you leave white trails? Then you’re ashy.

3. Tired Of The Curling Iron? Flat Iron? Putting Hot Metal By Your Face? I rarely use these instruments any more. If you have any length to your hair and you want a little bounce? Put it up in a sock bun. (Google it) Sleep in it. Take it out in the morning and voila! Bouncy curls that won’t burn your face or dry out your hair. You can also buy a donut thingy from Sally’s Beauty Supply. That’s what I use, I got tired of picking sock lint out of my hair.

5. Take Short Cuts When Necessary. No time to put on makeup? Big black sunglasses and a little petroleum jelly on the lips and you are good to go. Remember the scene in Pulp Fiction where they had to clean out the car because Marvin got shot in the face? Winston Wolf said this: “We need to camouflage the interior of the car. We need to line the front seat, the backseat and the floorboards with quilts and blankets. So if a cop stops us and starts sticking his big snout in the car, the subterfuge won’t last. At a glance, the car will appear to be normal”. This applies to the black sunglasses and shiny lips as well. You can wave at a neighbor from across the aisle at the grocery store and you’ll be fine. Any intense scrutiny though..this isn’t gonna work.

6. Use Sunscreen. For fuck’s sake..USE SUNSCREEN. Don’t go to tanning beds. I am very happy that I have few wrinkles. I got lucky. I spent way too many days in my teen years baking in the sun. If I hadn’t done that, I can’t imagine how much younger I would look now. And this isn’t just about looking younger…I just had skin cancer shaved off my arm. Squamous carcinoma or some shit. This happened due to sun damage decades ago. There is NO excuse to NOT protect your skin. Don’t be a dumbass. You’ll get wrinkly and you’ll get cancer. Fortunately, the kind I had is easy to get rid of, but if you get this and you ignore it because you think it’s just a wart or a hard zit or something, it can get worse and kill you. Use sunscreen. Stay the fuck out of the tanning beds.

There you go, 6 non-expert beauty tips.

Now, I need something in return. I have TERRIBLE heels. I get pedicures. I use lotion. NOTHING helps my heels. I use that purple scrapy thingy they use at the pedicure place and I’ve tried callous remover stuff. Nothing works. I still have heels that look like an elephant mated with an alligator. Help me out here, what are your best suggestions for soft feet? Like hubs feet. He has soft feet like a baby. Fucker.