I’m a prickly person.
Overall, I like to think that I’m a nice person, but I am impatient and have little tolerance for dickish behavior. (I am not excluding my own dickish behavior).
One thing that I haven’t felt much of is gratitude. Don’t get me wrong, I feel grateful when people do nice things for me or treat me well or support me. I feel endless gratitude in those situations. But trying to find gratitude in every day life or finding the silver lining in shitty situations is not part of me.
Recently, I found myself feeling much gratitude toward the universe because life is treating a person I love well after kicking him in the teeth for such a long time. This person is part of my heart and I love him more than vacation days and coffee and a good night’s sleep. The fact that life is going his way means more to me than I can express and for that, I am feeling much gratitude.
I found this gratitude brings a feeling peace that mostly eludes me and I thought that perhaps I should practice feeling gratitude more often. Perhaps even trying to find gratitude for the times life has been painful.
Being the child of a narcissist has brought about so much pain, misery, and dysfunction in my life. What could I find to be grateful for?
Well, one thing I can be grateful for is that I’ve ‘met’ so many wonderful, caring, quirky, funny, and insanely talented people who grew up children of narcissists. I am grateful that I know them. I am grateful that I’ve read their words and grateful we connected.
One such person, Andrea, left a comment on my blog in the form of a poem. Her words were haunting and beautiful. The poem filled me with peace because of the connection I felt with another human. Also, I sobbed when I read it out loud to Randy, but to be fair, I cry over everything these days.
Andrea was gracious enough to allow me to post her poem here. Without further ado, here is Andrea Barnard and her beautiful poem about being the child of a narcissist.
I am the child of a narcissist
I do not know myself very well
When I try to put my finger
On the pulse of who I am
I see a million mirrors
All of them reflecting back
Who I think I might be
Who I have been told I am
Who I want to be but cant
Who I try to be
But the fit is never right
It’s always just off
I am an imperfect piece
Trying so hard
To be whole
I am the child of a narcissist
Take the time to know me
Please
It will take time
It might take time
But in time
You will meet my many mirrors
And I think you might love them all
They are all me
Despite their differences
And none of them are all me
Despite their differences
If you give it time
I will be a reflection of you
What you want
What I think you want
What I think others want
Please though
Sometimes
Take the time
To reflect back
What you see in me
I am the child of a narcissist
If you don’t understand
Research it please
Google gets it
Better than me
I need you to understand
when I don’t understand
The child of a narcissist is a million colours
Sometimes too brilliant for this world
When they come to understand
The self awareness it takes
For the reason why
They feel so person-less
Empty
Carved out
Mirror shade
Ghost town
Broken car
Empty lot
I am the child of a narcissist
But if you let me
I will reflect you
always
Just please
Every now and then
Take the time to understand
That I do not know myself
Every now and then
What I am
Will not be what you want
Or need
Or desire
But please, understand
When tomorrow comes
And I am not her any more
That she is just resting
Until the demands of today allow her
To come out again
To play with you
And be the child
that she was never allowed to be
Wow to that poem. Very well put to try to help others understand.
((hugs)) to all of y’all
It’s awesome, right? I’ve never been a huge poetry fan..it’s just not my thing..but I fell in love with this one instantly.
That pretty much sums up how I feel every damn day. Sometimes I feel like I have to be the only one that is almost 40 and still feels like that. Thank you for sharing!
You are not alone…not at all! And you’re welcome..thank you for reading!
It scares me how much that poem made complete sense to me. I understand and feel every word of it. Very powerful and very well done.
-Recovering Alcoholic and Child of an Alcoholic Narcissist
It’s just beautiful and spot on. I’m sorry you have to deal with that, it sucks so hard..but it’s good to not be alone and to know that other people out there really ‘get’ who you are.
Love the poem! I’m going to have to meditate on this one. I was raised as a non-person in a very dysfunctional family, so I am always questioning myself. I never thought of my mother as a narcissist, but it fits. Thank you for sharing.
I did not realize that was the case for me either until a little over a year ago…I had so many questions answered. I suggest just doing some internet research, there are all kinds of clinical articles and blogs out there that might answer some questions for you. I wish you peace. 🙂
What does it actually mean to have a narcissist parent?
There are so many different answers to that question. I think the short answer is that you were raised by someone who had no capacity for empathy and truly only cared for themselves. They look to their children for validation and when the child fails, they are punished for it. This leaves a child in a position to always try to please their parent..have difficulty finding a sense of self and can lead to a lifetime of depression and anxiety and often, PTSD.
Short description from the Mayo clinic: narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
Which is probably why my mother has hardly spoken to me since our fake Labor Day weekend “get-together”. Lets just say I wasn’t fond of her date or how she was so enamored with and forgiving of someone she’s never met in person.
She’s now tagging me on Facebook as one of “millions of brave survivors” who walked across the bridges downtown on 9/11/01 to escape Manhattan so she can get pats on the back from her friends for having such a strong daughter who waded through the mess of Ground Zero. Which is almost entirely untrue – I crammed myself into the F train near W. 4th St after 2:00pm. Way different connotation if you tell it the right way, no?
That’s just horrible. I can’t imagine how frustrated you must feel.
Holy crap! I just googled it and I had no idea what damage this can do. Congratulations on seeing it, reaching out and congrats to Andrea for her beautiful words. Best wishes to you both.
Thank you so much! Knowledge is power. I know gaining an understanding of this has been very good for me. Often painful, but ultimately helpful.
That was so amazing. I am at work right now and bawling my eyes out. It hit home. Wow.
Oh man…I should have put a trigger warning at the beginning.
It is amazing though, isn’t it?
I also have a hard time consciously choosing to be grateful. I always admire those who post their weekly posts about being thankful — but sometimes I have trouble coming up with things to be grateful for. I guess perhaps that is the point — that I should actively look for things to be grateful for, even when I don’t feel very good about my life. I don’t know that I need the pressure of coming up with a blog post every week about it (plus, I’d feel stupid, (“I’m grateful that I was able to get that stain out of the carpet”) – but perhaps I can personally reflect on things I can be grateful for when I’m meditating.
Shit…if you could see the stain on my bedroom carpet..
If I got that clean, I’d write a blog post about it.
Beautiful poem and it really does describe it so well.
Really unwell again so I’m afraid I’m not feeling terribly grateful for much at the moment, much as I ought to be. So many people are much worse off than I am.
This being ill lark is so not Rock and Roll!
🙂
Dammit! We were supposed to REALLY be done being sick! And I wouldn’t feel bad about not feeling grateful…if it happens, great..if not, I don’t think it’s something else we should use to beat ourselves up.
I am sending you all my good thoughts.
Thanks, needing some of those at the moment. I thought and hoped we were done with being sick too. Bo and I have both gone down at the same time, different things but equally unpleasant. GP is sending me for an endoscopy which sounds like great fun…not, it could be worse I guess.
They aren’t PLEASANT but it’s not the end of the world..I guarantee you’ve endured much worse.
yeah, my ex 🙂
When I have trouble feeling grateful, I make myself remember that out of all possibilities I was born healthy in California in 1960. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does.
That’s a powerful poem, full of courage and insight. Thanks for sharing it.
THat’s a good outlook..and thank you! I was so happy that she sent it.
Michelle, this…spoke to my heart. I’ve been reading your stuff, pondering about this idea of being a child of a narcissist and just wondering. I see myself as passionless and without identity, I’ve studied psychology, philosophy, theology I think in an attempt to figure me out…and I think the slow dawning (with your snark and grace) is that this is what explains me the most. Such a beautifully haunting and insightful poem, it really nailed some stuff for me. Thanks. Respect REDdog
I have had a bad day today. I mean awful…it started out good and ended up being in a traffic jam created by a lunatic who shot and killed a hostage and then shot himself (he didn’t die) I heard the gunshots. It was scary, I didn’t know what was happening and I was stuck in my car..then I had to go back to work and finish out the day. I’m home now and I read this and it lifted my spirits..not at all because you’ve suffered (ha ha) but because I had even a small part in helping you discover something about yourself. That means more to me than I could possibly tell you. THank you for letting me know.
That’s terrible for you, I’m sorry to hear that. Yes, you have opened my eyes to a possibility I hadn’t even remotely considered. My Father is a serial under-achiever and yet even in his early 70s still believes he has been hard done by and never been allowed to shine in his God ordained roles of leadership, etc. He was/is the sort of bloke to read my test score of 95% and ask me where the other 5% was. I think this, among other things, might be a sign that he’s always been a narcissist…I think. Anyway, it’ll give me another lead to pursue in my quest an identity of my own. Thanks for putting your stuff out there Much. Cheers Red
Red, you’re not alone – when I wasn’t being pissy and stubborn (my mom used to complain that I was such a “Contrary Mary”) I was completely jaded, depressed and apathetic.
It was a heartbreaking read but entirely spot on. If only my mother would read this and recognize what she caused…
That’a the sucky thing about narcissists…even if she did read it, she wouldn’t see herself in it.
This is haunting. Thanks for sharing, Michelle and Andrea. One of the things for me was always trying to please.
I’m so glad you liked it! Thank you!
So beautiful!
It really is! Thank you!
Wow. This poem… just wow. It explained so much to me. Not about me but someone I love very much who grew up with a narcissistic father. I forwarded this to him and it blew him away. Said it explained what he’d been feeling his whole life but could never put into words. I think it was incredibly, deeply helpful to him to read it.
Is Andrea a blogger? If so, I need to find her blog and read more… Thank you for sharing this with us.
This is so cool! I hope it brought some comfort to your friend. I’m not sure if she has a blog or not.
Hauntingly beautiful… and scary how much that fits me, a child of an alcoholic (who no longer drinks but is still unbelievably narcissistic).
Thank you for sharing. It’s nice to know we’re not alone in our aloneness.
Oh, I am so glad you enjoyed it and it made you feel less alone! Thank you for reading!
Wow. This is an amazing poem and I think I have to read more about this being a child of a narcissist…..I think it might be me too….hmmmm…off to the internet.
Good luck…I truly hope you find peaceful answers.
This poem really opened my eyes, as has reading your posts about a narcissistic parent. I can now put a name to the behavior of someone I know. I could only use the word broken and watch as her daughter grew up to be just like her and not even realize it. It’s maddening from this side of it so I can only imagine what you and this lovely girl have been and continue to go through.
Thank you for sharing this, Michelle. I am so glad that you have been able to connect with others who understand. While I’m not happy that you or anyone had to grow up like this, I am thankful that you are willing to share your experience. You are of great help to many, I’m sure.
Thank you, Sandy! I am soooo hesitant to say that I can help anyone because I am so much not qualified..but I can connect and I can let people know that they are not alone.
Dealing with a narcissist is so frustrating and painful. I am so glad that it’s not my life anymore and that all I have to do is keep working on the damage it did in the past. So many people deal with it every day with narcissistic spouses. I can’t imagine the pain.
I don’t know how I missed so many posts, especially ACON ones, but thank you for sharing this poem. It’s pretty much exactly right.
Right? I loved it so much!!