I was supposed to be a leader.
Just typing that makes me want to run away screaming.
I’m not a leader, I couldn’t possibly lead. Everything I think is wrong. I can’t be trusted. And not only that, doesn’t saying that I should be a leader mean that I am what I hate? Only a narcissist would say that.
But still, I was supposed to be a leader.
I knew it when I was a little kid and I think other kids knew it as well..but Charlotte’s Web changed all that.
In the third grade at St Augustine elementary, Sister Jan Paula broke us off into groups. We were going to read Charlotte’s Web out loud, like a play. Each group had to decide who would be the voice of which characters. I was Fern’s mother and Templeton.
When my group was deciding who would read what, they looked to me for guidance. At first I was just uncomfortable. But when one girl, I think her name was Teri, asked me if she could be Fern, I freaked out on the inside.
It’s not me…I don’t decide. I can’t make these decisions.
I remember that I said I didn’t care and that it wasn’t up to me, anyway. I was not in charge.
And with that, I gave away my natural inclination to lead.
I remember so clearly why I gave away my power. I wasn’t good enough to be a leader. In retrospect, this is probably a sophisticated concept for an 8 year old girl, but I felt that I was flawed in a fundamental way. People might not be able to see my flaws, but they were there and they ran deep and they certainly negated any claim I had to being a leader.
Any show of strength whether it was in words or actions were ridiculed and held in contempt and I believed everything I was told. Not just ridiculed or held in contempt. Shows of strength or a show of anything was discouraged as shameful. Dangerous even.
Be quiet.
Don’t be pushy.
Fade into the back ground. It’s safer there.
Don’t make waves.
All of these lessons didn’t come from my narcissistic father. I’m pretty sure that some of these lessons were taught out of love and fear and a desire to protect me.
They didn’t, though. These lessons just served to keep me bound.
I grew up a timid girl. I was terrified of conflict. I rarely offered an opinion. I lived almost entirely in my own head. I created a different life or lives for me and that’s where I lived for many many years.
Other people call that daydreaming.
I daydreamed away the years where I could have been making a difference in my life or perhaps the lives of others. I daydreamed my youth away instead of tapping into a well of strength that was just there waiting for me.
I’m trying to find a way to say this next thing without sounding defeated, because I don’t feel defeated anymore. I feel sad for my lost years, but I do feel like I’m finding the real me.
The truth is, I don’t want to lead anymore.
I don’t want to follow, either. I just want to live my life as honestly as I can and perhaps get over this extreme fear of conflict. But I think that is for another post.
I totally sort of understand. I was told I was supposed to be a leader each time I sat with a school counselor. Chances are what they wanted to say was “I know that what your teacher/classmate did was bullshit but this thing only works if we all play ball so stop being a wise ass and try and be a better sheep than the other sheep and you won’t get suspended.”. I never liked the idea of having the responsibility on my shoulders but I still can’t go more than a day or so without saying “never mind, I’ll do it myself!”. I’m pretty sure that’s more of a dick trait than a leader one though…but I’ll have to ask my wife and get back to you on that one.
I don’t know if I was afraid of the responsibility or not. I ran away from it at such a young age. I did run and IT department for 5 years and I don’t think I sucked at it, but I always felt like an impostor.
Let me know how that dick/versus leader works out! I’m rooting for leader. 🙂
Leadership is a hard thing to grasp if you’re not shown how to, and encouraged to, do it at a young age. I was ALWAYS a follower as a kid. It got me into major trouble and resulted in my parents separating me from the “public” and teaching me how to be a leader. I still struggle with it from time to time and it’s always intimidating. Thanks for sharing, Michelle.
You know, I think I had my moments of being a follower, but I mostly did my own thing. I was introverted, so I didn’t have a large circle of friends..I am still that way. A lot of people in one place freak me the fuck out.
I was set to be a leader too. My name actually means “Fearless Leader” and my mom never let me forget that. I try to be one and I was (I think) good at it when I was younger, especially in sports. Now, I feel like people just never listen. It doesn’t matter what I say they’re gonna do what they want. It use to upset me but I really don’t care anymore. I think we should all kinda live the way we want. Some will lead. Some will follow. Some will be on their own.
Well, I am with you, Rocco..I do think we should all live as we want. Perhaps try to help each other out when we can.
I don’t think people always understand what they are doing when they tell kids to avoid conflict and/or fade into the background. When I was young, I was harshly bullied. The adults in my life told me to ignore the bullies. I was told they wanted a rise out of me. When they didn’t get it, they would stop. That did not work. Instead, my bullies kept trying new things until they found something I couldn’t help but react to.
More important is what that ideology did to me. In order to ignore the actions of bullies, I numbed myself of all feeling. Who knows how I would have turned out if someone told me to stand up for myself. Don’t let them push you down. I’d be a completely different person today.
At the same time, I like who I am today. I wouldn’t change much about my childhood but I also don’t wish my childhood on anyone else.
I think you’re right, they don’t know what they’re doing when they tell kids to avoid conflict..I think the intent was good, but then you miss out on learning a skill that you really REALLY need…
I just want to heal.
me too…absolutely.
I think I am..at least somewhat.
I spent ten years of my youth trying my damnedest to lead: I was a motorcycle racer, and leading was the whole point.
Actual leadership, though, is hard. I gathered some seemingly good ideas about how it should be done, and although I still believe them to be good ideas, they never made me any good at it in actual practice.
Also, as a kid, I mostly hung out with kids who were older than me, so leadership wasn’t really an option. I’ve been told that I take it too seriously a couple of times, so maybe that could be where the discomfort with it comes from?
“Don’t make waves.” That one has affected me the most. I, too, have a fear of conflict and confrontation. It took me decades to tell my mother No to anything.
The suffering I endured was internal, not external. I prepared for reactions I didn’t get. I try to remember that. Still, the knowledge doesn’t stop the panicky feelings.
Sister…we should just start making waves all over the place….splash a little even.
I just joined in on your blog and can’t tell you how nice it is to have someone out there, singing MY song!! Being an adult child of narcissists feels like groping around blindly in the dark all the time. It totally SUCKS when you don’t feel trust in yourself. I wonder if I will ever feel it (or feel it without feeling guilty IMMEDIATELY after). So I totally understand the meaning of “I do not feel I am finding the real me.” I always fancied myself an introvert when, in reality, I am simply afraid of all the “mirrors” out there in the form of other people. I don’t know HOW to see myself… If that makes any sense. 🙂
It makes ALL THE SENSE in the world! I know exactly what you mean. It’s bizarre..this whole discovery and I still second guess that it actually happened..like I’m just being whiny or something..you know?
I’m just the opposite — I have always wanted to be the leader — and as a child and teen (and still sometimes today), I constantly fought, rebelled, and got caught up in conflict. However, when I attempted to lead or (later in life) managed to land a job that required for me to be confident and competent — I always felt as if I was a fraud — and that someone was going to figure that out really, really soon. I sometimes despair that I’m ever going to figure myself out and heal my issues. It’s all rather exhausting!
I have the impostor issues as well. I did lead in a fashion for a while as an IT director for 5 years. I was terrified at first but then I found how much I loved being the buffer between my staff and the rest of the company. I have broad shoulders when it comes to defending others…(but not myself) and I learned that if they got the credit for everything good and I protected them from the criticism that they would do anything for me. It was a good group. But it does get tiring.
Gah… so often I read your stuff and feel like I’ve learned something about myself. I have a major struggle in close personal relationships when it comes to being assertive– at work/school/while out in public or traveling, I don’t mind being or doing what needs to be done but when it comes to family or a romantic relationship or a good friend I will never push back, never question anything and never try to take the reigns. I think that’s what led me to perpetuate some of those ugly codependent cycles in previous relationships… Ugh. Now my boyfriend just bugs me until I finally stand up for myself. It’s a start.
Great insights, Michele– as always.
Thank you, gorgeous. I don’t think we get to change these things quickly…bitty baby steps…that’s what we have to take. I think the next one will have to be about conflict. Conflict and sky diving.
The only thing that scares me more than conflict is the thought of jumping out of a plane. So…I’m gonna jump out of a plane…probably this coming Summer. If I can do THAT, then the theory is…other things I’m afraid of will at least be somewhat less intimidating.
You’re …strumming my pain with your fingers
Singing my life with your words..
Your truth is killing me girl but that’s a good thing. It lets me know I’m not alone.
hahahah…now that song is in my head. and it DOES feel good to not be alone. 🙂
In my kids I see one leader and one follower. We didn’t push them in these ways, they just are where they are. The leader we caution to be aware that, like it or not, people follow him. He needs to use his power only for good. The follower we need to remind that he is accountable for his actions regardless who directed him to do what he did. They both will go where their strengths take them, but either way, there are always options.
Thanks for the perspective. Since I empathize more with the “leader” of my two kids, I need reminders of other perspectives often in order to be a better parent of both kids.
It sounds like you’re really doing it right! And we’re all different..we find our way…one way or another, we find our way..
I decided several years ago that I didn’t want to lead or follow…and I am good with that 🙂
I am also overcoming my fear of conflict…it sure is a process!
Here’s to us and to our lost years …
Here’s to us. All that matters is what we do from here forward, right? Yeah..dealing with conflict. I’ve just started thinking about do that. Tough one.
I try to explain to people that my “nurture” completely conflicts with my “nature.” I can’t be the person I was born to be, because I had to be the person my narcissistic mother demanded I be — that is, someone who can’t shine too much, because I might outshine her. Now I try to go into every day with the thought a really wonderful therapist led me to: But it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. Here’s to believing that a little more every day.
It’s such a hard thing to ‘unlearn’. I wish you luck and peace. And you are not alone.
It has been suggested to me more than once that I would be a good teacher. I am very curious, and I love finding out new things and telling people about them. But the prospect of being an authority figure just scares me. I don’t believe that I could keep the attention of a class of students for five minutes. I was the youngest of three children, in a house that included my grandmother, and I had years to grasp the idea that no one was going to do things my way. If they paid attention at all to the things that I wanted, or thought, it was to tell me how wrong I was, or how selfish. As it happens, I now work part time at an adult education program, and when no students need help, I do the xeroxing.
I enjoy working with the students, but I am going to have to leave this job soon. Yesterday, my boss shushed me (again) because people were taking tests. I am more than willing to be quiet, but being told to be quiet makes me furious!
Ohhh…I hate that, too. I hate to be spoken to as if I were a child. It really bothers me.
It took me years to feel like a grown-up. Not everyone can know my childhood issues, but really, is it that hard to figure out? I have gray hair, for Pete’s sake! This same boss reorganized my desk drawers when I was not there. I am used to having my boundaries trampled on, but when it happens, people always say “Oh, I thought you’d be pleased!”
I think it would be very fair in that situation to say that it does not please you.
I never felt like a leader. Lack of confidence. Why would anyone listen to me? But after I had been teaching for a couple of years in a class with special needs and 4 EAs I realized I had a contribution to make. I might as well speak out. Still have to prompt myself sometimes but it’s getting easier. I have also learned that following is an important role too.
You are so right! It is important to learn how to follow, but it’s also important to let your leadership skills shine.