Learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and being one of the adult children of narcissists has been eye opening and painful.
It’s hard to look at myself and acknowledge that who I am was at least partially shaped by my father’s mental illness. It’s frustrating to understand that I’ve got decades of my own mental illness issues to work through. I struggle with intimacy. I struggle with self worth. I struggle with anxiety and depression.
But the thing that I believe has done the most damage and that has held me back is that I have no idea what to do.
I was trained from an early age that my ideas were dumb and that I’m not clever in any way. The best I could hope for is a steady paycheck and hopefully have a man that would put up with me…and the steady paycheck would help with that because it wouldn’t be because of my looks or intelligence.
I read shit like ‘Follow your bliss’! or ‘Life is too short to not do what you love”!
That’s all well and good, but when I try to determine what I love or what my ‘bliss’ is, paralysis sets in. I have a visceral reaction that makes me sweat. I feel this dark, hairy malignant claw forcing itself up my throat to cut my breath off. I panic.
I don’t know what to do.
I’ve been sitting here for five minutes now reading and rereading what I just wrote. I can feel myself trying to back away from this. I want to think about something else. I don’t want to think about this. Thinking about this is hard and scary and a stupid waste of time.
Because I’m lying.
I know exactly what I want to do.
What I don’t know..and what paralyzes me, is I don’t know how to make it happen.
I bitch about my job. A LOT. I truly do not like my job. I work in a toxic environment and it would be in my best interest to move on. But to what? Another programming job where I can write code in my antiquated language? Sure, the environment MIGHT be better, but that isn’t going to change the work.
I am 51 years old and I’ve spent my entire life working for a paycheck. I can’t get those days back. Those days seemed endless when I started out. Hell, they seemed endless 10 years ago.
Not anymore.
Every single day that I sit in my cubicle is one more day that I’m never getting back. Every single day that I wish would end always does. Then it’s gone and I’m closer to having no more days.
I’m not worried (yet) about dying.
HAHAHAFUCKINGHAHAHA. That’s a lie. I worry about that all the time, but this isn’t really about that.
This is about being reasonably content for the days I have left. I don’t know if I can achieve that while being a cubicle dweller. I want something more for the rest of my life.
I have no idea what to do.
I have been getting a grip on the other issues. I am not my looks and my looks are just fine anyway. I am intelligent and clever. I always have been. But the thought of trying to reach out and take something I want?
What do I do?
Practicality plays a big part in this. We do need a paycheck. Everyone needs to live, right? It always comes back to that. I’ve been saying for years that I have two choices. I can program computers or I can wait tables. That is the extent of my experience. Honestly, I doubt that I could wait tables anymore. I am reasonably sure that my stamina has dropped since age 19.
My current plan of waiting for things to change isn’t panning out and trust me when I say, I’ve given this plan a chance. I’ve been living it for years.
I’m writing this because it’s making me uncomfortable. I need to be uncomfortable. If I’m uncomfortable enough, will it force me to change my life? The only thing that happens now when I think that I really have to figure out how to change my work life is that I have a drink or watch TV or play solitaire on my computer or read a book.
And that’s another lie. I barely read anymore. How did this happen? I used to identify myself as a bookworm. I liked that identity. I want to read again. I want to write more. I want to stop waiting.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all doom and gloom. I’m pretty satisfied with my life outside of work. I love my family. I adore spending time with Randy, we have fun together. I love writing my blog. I love reading your blogs. I paint things because it makes me happy.
I do feel more satisfaction with life now than I have ever before. It’s not enough, though. I know we can’t be happy or content all the time. That’s not reasonable. But I think it is reasonable to not struggle with tears every Sunday night because the weekend is dead. It’s not unreasonable to want to wake up on weekday mornings and not be filled with dread.
I’ve placated myself with this: Baby boy is graduating from high school in 2 years. Until that happens, there really isn’t much I can do. I want him to continue the lifestyle he has until he is ready to go to college. When he goes to college, then I am free to do what I want. Then I will be free to make the changes I need to make.
I don’t trust that, though. I think that all I’m doing is giving myself a place to hide for a few more years.
I don’t want to spend my time finding ways to numb myself.
I would ask you guys for advice, but I honestly don’t even know what my questions are.
I completely understand this….in kind of having the same reaction…but my is manifesting in uncontrolled fury…. I am suck of defining myself by everything BUT myself….
Hang in there….what more can you do???!!!!
nothing, really…and I am a pro at hanging in there. 🙂
I’ve had many years of dealing with anger and I have to say, life is easier without it. NOt that I don’t have flare ups…but it’s so tiring to be angry a large portion of the time. I really hope you find some peace! It’s worth it.
I’ll tell you what to do. You’ll ignore me.
Go to see a psychiatrist. Not your PCP but if you need a referral from them go there too.
My metal illness beats your mental illness. 🙂 I have a long history of successfully dealing with this crap too. Why? Because I went to see a psychiatrist after getting released from the locked ward. (Comfortable up there. Interesting people.)
Go see a psychiatrist and then whine. I’ll listen then. If that matters.
okay..I didn’t ignore you!
And thank you for offering to listen. Sometimes that is what we need the most.
from whAt i have read, you are good at writing and while i get your points regarding intimacy. self worth anxiety and depression – there are soo many people out there with similar issues, many from more “normal” (whatever that means) backgrounds.
as to work, i’m in IT too, doing a job that gives me little apart from money in return.
but i don’t think about it and (mostly) don’t let it get me down, i look forward to work as i keep in mind all that i have managed to do for my family due to what i earn, they are all dependant upon me
I find not overthinking helps and i take out all my frustrations out on the football field.
i have a clear focus of what is important ( family happieness) and what isn’t (the job itself)
Thank you so much! All very good points.
You think you have problems? We have 4 cats and they all shed like muthafukkuhs. I swear I shit out a hairball last night.
.
HAHAHAHAH….that is a problem
I don’t think sticking it out another 2 years is a bad thing. I actually think that by setting that timetable, you “can” be giving yourself the chance to look for something better. Find out what gives you “bliss”. Even if it’s a shit paying job, but something you’d rather do, then you have 2 years to figure it out! Keep your head up!
Thank you, Rocco!!! There is wisdom in this
Hahahaha yeah…. I’m all about the wisdom………
Let me recommend “Your Money or Your Life” by Vicki Robin and Joe Dominguez. It is kind of about money management, but really about life management and finding purpose in what you do. Reading that book made me realize that I needed to maximize my hourly wage on my boring-ass data analytic job so that I can minimize my hours and spend the rest of the time figuring out how I wanted to spend my stay here on earth (and I’ve been having panic attacks about death since I was 6 years old, so…). Starting my blog was one of the outcomes of reading that book.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for the book recommendation!
Do you enjoy writing? You’re really good at it and, yes, clever. 🙂 I really enjoy your blog. How about taking a creative writing course at your local community college in the evenings (or even an online course if there isn’t school nearby.) xo
You know…that is probably what I should do. I think just making a change would be helpful.
This sort of hits home for me right now. Either that or I’m so stuck on this issue in my life that I’m applying everything I read to my life…
I’m getting restless. 4.5 years (closing in on 5 years) in one place shouldn’t make me restless, but I feel stagnant. I don’t dislike my job, but I dislike my lifestyle. I want to travel. I want to go to Portland and Seattle. I want to go to Northern California. I want to go to Peru. I want to go to Spain. I want an adventure. I’m trying like hell to give myself a way to do it without ruining everything. I want to keep my job. I want to continue to climb out of debt dollar by dollar. I just have no idea how to satiate my soul’s need to get out and do something. I have everything I could ever need or want (physically speaking) but my heart is wandering without me. If you come up with a plan. Answers. Or even, a question. Let me know!
I get this…I so much do..
Now, making it happen….
I know you want to use this blog to start putting food on the table. 2 years is the perfect amount of time to grow this into a bread winner. Start small and watch the results!
Justin…you are awesome.
I can identify with sooooooo much of this. I think you crawled inside my head! Glad to have found your blog. Keep writing. 🙂
Thank you so much! I’m glad you found it, too!
Wow. I live almost EXACTLY what you wrote every flipping’ – scratch that: FUCKING – day of my life. My career is a stagnant hell and I literally HATE what I do so much that I literally have come here for almost an entire 2 weeks without doing anything but blogging, checking my email, obsessing over blog comments, twittering, shopping and more blogging. When I’m not doing that, I’m creating all the nice images you see on my blog using Publisher and the scanner in my office. I’m waiting for the day Big Fucking Brother logs into my desktop while I’m in here doing shit I’m not supposed to be doing…
My advice would SUCK because I also have NO FKN idea WHAT to do. The only strategy I recently came up with was to draft a serious “love-letter” to the President of a small independent publishing house nearby but have yet to finalize & mail. My hesitation stems from the fact that I would most likely be doing the exact, same office-type work I’m doing now BUT – the saving grace would be doing it in an industry that would potentially make use of more of my skill-set in the writing arena. I really have NO skill or interest in the arena of money, banking and/or fucking MATH & I work in a Business Office of a Children’s Services agency.
My other idea would be to take my friend’s advice – she has a semi-successful Etsy shop and says I should just print out my poems in an artsy way (I’m also good at that) and sell them. IF I did THAT, I’d also try to figure out some way to do a monthly or bi-monthly print publication. I’ve always wanted to create my own magazine… Like you, I have no idea where to start so, FAAAK! LOL
Few minor differences and you are exactly right…we reaally DO sound a lot alike..
I’m lucky in that I lived like this only until I was 31. But still, when you’re living it, it’s soul sucking. And my thoughts were, “When I’m retired–” RETIRED?? I AM EARLY 30’S! “–I’ll do what makes me happy.”
I was lucky because I had a good friend figure it for me. I wrote something and she read it. “You’ve been saying you feel unfulfilled and that you want to so something *more*. This is it.” I was astonished–it was right in front of my face for years but I was too focused on making money, paying the bills, worrying about the future, whether I had nice stuff, etc. But it’s only when I’m writing that I feel like I’m doing what I was put on earth to do.
I think quotes are many times lame or just platitudes, until they speak to me. Two that really inspire me are: “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” And “When is the best time to plant a tree? 20 years ago. When is the second best time to plant a tree? Today.”
Oh…I love these quotes so much! Thank you!
I’m not quite as miserable (the environment I’m in at the office isn’t toxic, and I work for a really nice boss), but when I was a small child, I didn’t sit on Mommy’s knee and say, “I would like to be a Technical Project Manager when I grow up, and spend my days thinking a LOT about Linux upgrades.” I guess I’m saying, I don’t know what I wanna be when I grow up either. And I really don’t have any objection to hard work. I just want it to be enjoyable. Maybe when one of us figures it out, we can share, and the other one can be inspired.
THAT is a deal! 🙂
Okay, Michelle…say it with me, “Depression Lies!” I know it looks bleak and hopeless looking out from the hole…and Depression is telling you “What good would getting out of the poisonous environment do? You still hate programming.”
But here’s the thing…if you move to a wonderful environment, you have eliminated half of your problems. Then maybe the work itself gets more tolerable.
Even digging ditches can be alright if you are in the shade at the perfect temperature with a nice breeze, no hurry and someone you enjoy being around to keep you company.
Also…you don’t have to be pigeon holed. If you’ve been a computer programmer, you can work a helpdesk, you can work a database, I know you can probably do technical writing.
But a new job is not going to come to you…youre going to have to look for it.
Good call…I was feeling really in a hole when I wrote this.
You are so right…I am the one who has to make these changes…waiting isn’t working out for me.
Have you considered writing a book? Doing stand-up? Seriously…
“It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now so you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.” ~ Hugh Laurie
And remember what I said the other day. I think people like us are often afraid to have wants and desires that aren’t attached to proving worth. The fear is so deep that it feels like THE TRUTH that we don’t know what we want.
So explore things…you don’t have to quit your job and make a BIG! HUGE! CHANGE!! that will last forever. Practice seeing what it’s like to want something.
Thank you Karen! This is lovely.
I do have a writing project that I’m working on, I just don’t know what to do with it..that’s what I’m dragging me feet on. I don’t think I could ever perform in front of people….just thinking about it makes me want to xanax up…
On the bright side, the economy added 288,000 new jobs last month, so who knows what you might find? Also, as Sarah Vowell says: It could be worse…
Haha..it can ALWAYS be worse
I hear you loud and clear but I have no idea what to suggest either. I can’t even get a paying job doing anything at the moment so my advice probably sucks. I do know that life is too short to procrastinate it away and have been reminded of that fact very painfully several times in the last 12 months.
I would say this, do what you need to do to be happy now. It may take two years to get where you want to be anyway if you start now, but don’t put it off.
xxx
Thank you, Karen…
The procrastination has got to stop…out of control, I am..
Your post seriously hit it on the head for me. I wish I had some miracle answer and I could just tell you what to do to make it all better but I have no idea how to do it for myself either. The reality, at least for me, is that I have to continue to work in crappy call centers because they are they are the only places that will pay me enough to survive, and I don’t mean with any left over either. I hate Sundays now because all I think about is work. I only actually get to enjoy one weekend day. I have always felt like I’m not creative or special in anyway and so I don’t and have never really thought I was good at anything. That being said, I have no idea what my passion is either but I’m trying to find it. I wish you luck in this particular situation. It’s definitely a tough one to deal with.
We just have to keep looking!! We’ll find it!
You are inside my brain, Michelle! I have never been able to figure out my passion in life and I find it SO frustrating. I’m sure you’ve heard the expression, “Jack of all trades, master of none?” That’s me — I can do a lot of stuff OK– but none of it really floats my boat — so I don’t really excel at anything. I feel like, if I could find that one thing I am born to do, then my life would have some direction and a purpose.
My work used to be hideous — so bad that I had a breakdown a few years back. My doctor told me I needed to get out of there for awhile and wrote up my FMLA paperwork and I was able to get short-term disability to help pay the bills. It was one of the best things I ever did. I took the time to focus just on me — I was able to talk to members of my family and hash out some shit that had been looming over me for a long time. I evaluated my marriage (I was seriously considering leaving him at that point) and decided to work on it some more (perhaps not the greatest decision in retrospect). I read some great books that helped me find a different perspective on how to interact with assholes. When I went back, I purposely withdrew from all of the drama and it changed everything. I still don’t love my job — but now I can at least see the positives (I can usually finish work stuff by noon — leaving me half the day to work on a freelance gig I have or to read blogs or write posts for my own).
I still want to figure out what the hell I really want to do — and I have a plan. It may take some time — but I’ll get there…and so will you!
Thank you, Jana!
I just got home from a 4 day hiatus and I’m feeling much better. Well..tired and hungover…but relaxed.
Michelle…
I don’t have any words of wisdom. I wish I did. You’ve given me a lot of laughs, reading your blog, and I wish I could reciprocate that with something, ANYTHING that would help.
What I can give you is a heartfelt thank you, however, for being so real. It has recently come to light that my husband is also the adult child of a narcissist. There was a LOT of abuse in his childhood and at 48 years of age, details are starting to tumble out of his closet. Two of the remaining four siblings are dealing with it, while the other two remain where they were. My sister-in-law could have written much of what you posted here. I’ve emailed her the URL to your blog as recommended reading because you’re so real, and also funny, because who DOESN’T need a good giggle when they can get it?
So yeah…thank you. <3
~~Jules
You have no idea how much I appreciate this!! Thank you so much.
If you’re not married, sugardaddy.com. If you are married, sugardaddy.com. It’s a distraction.
Or
Loose Hope. That’s right, being hopeless is great! It’s extremely liberating. Once you surrender to life sucks, hopeless is the state of mind you want to live in. No hope, no disappointments and life becomes a game.
Or if your still willing to care, get on meds like the rest of us.
Two cliches of comfort: this to shall pass and you’re not in it alone.
Just keeping it real.
I’m a dick.
Just popping in to say, hang in there. I have no words of wisdom, but we’re all here for you, and we appreciate you!
I love you like frozen crazy
It’s a harder decision when you need the paycheck.
It doesn’t have to happen all at once. Take baby steps. Take a class to see if you like it. Volunteer to do something you think you would like to do. Submit a writing sample to a magazine or newspaper to get their feedback. Figure out how much you could pare your budget down if you got a lower paying job.
Baby steps.
Baby steps.
This is actually tremendous advice. I even know all about taking baby steps…I just needed the reminder. 🙂
Once again, you have put your finger on something I have never been able to articulate, even to myself. Before I ever heard of Narcissistic Family Syndrome, I knew that hearing “You can be anything you want to be” made me insanely angry. It was like my dad felt he could ignore me 99% percent of the time as long as he gave me vague effusive compliments when we were together. It’s better than insults, of course, but it’s really no help at all. Especially when a lifelong example of perfectionism had already left me with the sense that I was bad at everything.
I know exactly what you are saying! I used to get pearls of wisdom handed down to me but they were just empty words that really didn’t guide me in any way.
I could have written this. You exactly describe what the ticking clock (both actual and biological) feels like. Like you are watching yourself outside your own body!! Thank you so much for writing this. I have a choice this year between getting a job at the new town we’re moving to (one in my current field) or searching for a couple months for one in a field I want to go into and am passionate about. . .the latter is financially risky, but I think I’m gonna do it. Thanks for the needed “push” and for so well articulate this dilemma!!
Oh please please PLEASE let me know how that turns out!!! I am sending you all my good thoughts!
Will do! 😉
THANK YOU for writing this. I have the same problem, but on a small scale. It’s really hard for me sometimes even on a daily basis to do what I want to do or even what I feel I need to do. It’s much easier for me to let outside people dictate what I do. It’s like I enjoy being ordered around and knowing what others’ expectations are. Sometimes my husband has to remind me to do basic things like drink water and take care of myself. I used to think this was just extroversion, but now realize it’s a handicap from having narcissistic, abusive parents. They are no longer here anymore. It’s hard to be your own boss!
I’m glad it spoke to you. Maybe taking some small steps would help? Just some little things..then you can build on that!
I’m late to this, but just wanted to hop in and say *HUGS*
You certainly have a talent for writing. I love the quotes the other blogger left about the tree and the elephant. Those are two of my favorite too!
Thanks…I’m working through some shit..it’s time.
sometimes learning to wait with the discomfort is the thing. not knowing right now is just fine.
these are things i was telling myself six or so months back. i still do, for different, smaller, hiccups…
sorry i’ve been to wrapped up in my own shit to come visit and see your post.
it’s ok not to know right now. that’s all i got.
Sweetheart, you come and go as you please! I’m just happy to see you. I hope things are well for you.
I had a narcissistic father as well, and before I was smart enough to recognize that was a problem, I married myself an even bigger narcissist. I suffer with a lot of the same issues, and was diagnosed with PTSD after my divorce. May never be “okay” again with men, but at least I’m aware of my faults. With that TMI…I’m REALLY looking forward to reading more of your blog. thank you for your honest writing.
Thank you for reading! I hope you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone..and no worries about TMI here…I pretty much bare my soul…
I hear ya. I don’t know what my bliss is either. I suspect that my expectations of what that bliss is supposed to be are set way too high. But exploring that means I would have to pull myself out of my tv or my Kindle and actually focus on the inside of me and not just the outside. I haven’t been reading any blogs lately because they might make me think about evaluating myself. And yours did, of course. Thanks for this, but damn now I got work to do. Lol.
Yeah, doing the work is the hard part. I have tons to do myself…