I said last week that I was cutting down to one post a week and that is mostly true. I just had a few quick things to share and I didn’t want to wait until Monday.
I wanted to share a link to an article I wrote for the site, Balance by Deborah Hutton. If you are menopausal and want to know your horoscope for 2017, I got you covered.
I also wanted to tell you that I married a crazy person.
Seriously, he’s not right.
He entertained himself the other night by sending texts to his sister, his oldest daughter, and mountain girl. I don’t even have to do any work on this post. I just 
have to transcribe.
Randy: Do they sell Dr Thunder in Maryland?
Daughter #1: I am not sure, maybe? You are talking about the off brand Dr Pepper, right?
Randy: Yes.
Daughter #1: Is it a Walmart brand?
Randy: I can’t remember.
Daughter #1: Do you need it?
Randy: No. I’m not thirsty.
Daughter #1: Okay. Lol.
Randy: Not to change the subject, but I was going to ask your aunt if there have been any bear sightings in Miami county over the past 50 years. Do you think that is a reasonable request?
Daughter #1: Sure, dad.
***********
Randy: Are there eels in Canada?
Randy’s sister: Do I look like google to you?
Randy: I did google it. Google said to ask my little sister.
Randy’s sister: I am going to say no. I don’t believe so.
Randy: I’ll drink to that.
Randy’s sister: Cheers, motherfucker.
Randy: What can you tell me about Koala bears?
Randy’s sister: Well, I know that they are cute.
Randy: I’m sorry, that last question was meant for the Cincinnati zoo.
*******
Randy: Why didn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Mountain Girl: The bass player has been saying that for years.
Randy: That that that that that. Like that?
Mountain Girl: LOL very funny,
Mountain Girl: That’s what we call a Randy joke,
Randy: When you say “we” I become anxious.
Mountain Girl: Good. Because it’s like the imperial we.
Randy: We? Gee.
Okay, here is where I must explain that after Randy sent that text, he kept saying “we gee” like “squeegee” in a squeaky voice.
Randy: Get a clearer picture of your life with a squee ja board.
Randy: So, I asked my sister if eels lived in Canada and she said she wasn’t google. Which is good. If she were google, she would know what all my searches are and that would make me uncomfortable.
Mountain Girl: Randolph….
One more week and we’re heading down to the mountains for a few nights. It’s so much more fun when we can all be absurd in person rather than through texts.
Photo courtesy of Gratisography.
I don’t know about Dr. Thunder (I try not to shop at Wal-Mart although I always end up there, somehow) but down south they have Mr. Pibb. Or had. I have to check it out, since I’m in the South right now….
Randy read an article about there being 24 knock offs to Dr Pepper…
I’m pretty sure me and Randy’s sister would get along like a house on fire (though why the expression “get along like a house on fire” means “famously” or “really splendidly” is beyond me).
Also – LOVED your menopausal horoscope column! I think I need to print it out and frame it.
Thank you!!!
Um… Randolph?
I think you did this just so my voices could be declared sane…
Randolpho.
*bows low in deference to Greatness*
My voices adore you, Randolpho…
Hahahha
You are both nuts! That’s what I love about you!
I’m a peeecan. She’s a peanut.
XOXOXOX
Ha ha ha ha ha, certifiable!
From one certificate holder to another.
We should get our certificates framed.
see, now I want to send Randy my cell phone number so I can get those kind of texts. Probably more helpful than my ssri’s these days.
Hmmm, after a few texts, you might need to up your dosage.
It might get annoying after a while.
Dr Thunder, never heard of it but I like the name. Can you just ask him to talk if you are wondering what to blog about? That would be great. Some husbands are handy and some husbands are blog fodder!
Some husbands are Randy and we are blog fodder.
I do appreciate the blog fodder!
According to NASA, I’m not a Sagittarius any more, I’m an Ophiuchus. What the fuck, NASA? It’s not like I believe in Astrology or anything, but after a half-century of believers’ assumptions based on my birthday, what am I to expect now? A whole new set of them based on a 3,000 year old Babylonian sky error?
So, yeah, that doesn’t compare to menopause, so I’ll just shut up now.
Resist, Doug in Oakland!
Resist!
Losing your identity and breaking out in sweats is what menopause is all about…
I’m staying a Gemini no matter what 🙂
*wipes sweat from under boobs*
And Pluto is too a planet….
Yeah, I dismissed that whole new Horoscope thing. Too confusing.
The google thing hits home. I don’t know how often I ask somebody something at work, only to have them google it in front of me. I always want to say, Well, I could have googled it myself,” but that seems like it would only make the embarrassment worse.
Sometimes, a man is just too lazy to google.
I am often too lazy to google.
https://www.ontario.ca/page/american-eel
Yes, Randy, there are eels in Canada.
Yes, I’m aware of Canadian eels. We watch them migrate through here every fall and spring.
You can be his new google!
It’s a good thing Craziest Husband isn’t an actual competition. Mostly because I’m afraid of what that prize might be, but also because you’d be real competition.
Also, if I could remember where I got it, you could get Randy’s sister another mug that reads “I’m not your damn search engine” in the google font.
Hahahha..Yeah, I need to find that mug for her.
Someone else has already confirmed that there are eels in Canada so I’ll just add that there are lampreys in the Great Lakes even though they’re not native to the area. In fact they’re doing terrible things to the local fish populations and while I’m normally a live-and-let-live kind of guy and always appreciate diversity I think lampreys should be scooped up and shipped back where they came from, which is England, where they’re a delicacy. Yes, the English will eat anything as long as it’s been boiled for three days.
Lampreys are to the Great Lakes what Dr. Thunder is to Dr. Pepper.
Now I want to go learn my menopausal horoscope even though I don’t really believe in horoscopes and will never go through menopause.
I am SUCH a Sagittarius.
Interesting about the lampreys. I don’t remember which one was Sagittarius..but I think it has to do with vaginal dryness. Or at least I hope it’s that one.
Ha! Too funny! Sounds like the group texts I have with my brothers, sister and cousins 🙂
Haha! They’re the best…