So, you guys. Since the last time we talked, I have showed my actual ass to strangers. Twice.
No, I did not start mooning people on purpose and it’s not like the voices are telling me to run around naked. I am pretty sure if I ever get “voices” they’re just going to tell me to put a sweater on and to give kale another chance.
One ass showing was an accident, the second one was not.
I am a “put things off until the situation is terribly uncomfortable” kinda girl. I am also a hypochondriac. The one thing I always get done every year, on time, is my mammogram and my lady doctor check up. I have lived in fear of my reproductive organs turning on me for decades now. I want that shit checked out. Hypochondria 1, Procrastination 0.
That doesn’t mean I look forward to these visits.
I arrived to my appointment and a nurse led me into an examination room. There was the hospital gown made out of white material with little blue dots. That material is exclusively used for doctor’s offices and old man pajamas. The nurse asked me to remove all my clothing and wait for the doctor. Fuck you. I’m leaving my socks on.
I always forget which side to leave open, the front or the back.
Then, logic reminds me an exam is happening in the front, not in the back. That’s a different doctor.
I had to pee a little and, lo and behold, there was a bathroom, right there! In my room!
I had settled on the “robe open in the front” logic, but didn’t bother tying the robe shut. I knew the doctor wouldn’t be in for at least 5 or 6 more minutes. When I’m left alone to disrobe and robe up in a doctor’s office, I channel the god Mercury and get that shit done in under 30 seconds. The fear of being walked in on is great. Which is really dumb because she’s going to be all up in my business anyway.
Anyway, I hopped off the table, strolled across the room, my arms chugging at my side. I hummed as I opened the door and stepped inside the bathroom. Be bop a boo bop diddy bop my shit is hanging out and I don’t care. I have to pee and FOR ALL THAT IS FUCKING HOLY.
There were two doors. Two. The door to my room was closed. The other door was not closed. The other door opened up to the whole goddamn world. If we can agree that the whole goddamn world begins on the 4th floor of a medical building by a nurses station.
It’s possible that I inadvertently exposed even more of my person than necessary.
My reaction to seeing the hustle and bustle of staff and patients, while I stood in plain view wearing nothing but socks and a slack hospital gown, was to gasp, pirouette, and claw at my gown to pull it shut. I may have pirouetted a bit too hard before clutching the gown closed. If I had just calmly pulled my robe shut, without making a noise, and walked with dignity to the open door and closed it, I probably wouldn’t have been seen at all.
Oh well, how many of them would I ever see again? Seriously, how many? Because I’m working out how long I should stay mortified. My face just stopped being purple yesterday morning.
Nah, that’s an exaggeration. I’m not mortified. I stopped being mortified by the time I finished peeing and got back to the exam table. This is what I love about getting older. I process shit pretty quick now. It doesn’t fucking matter. If it happened, it goddamn happened. Nothing I can do about it. I just hope at least one person has a funny story to tell friends about the dancing chubby lady who showed her bits to the world.
The second time I showed my ass was because of mother’s day.
Joey, my baby boy, got me a gift certificate for a massage to this amazing local place who have their massage tables 
surrounded by fur covered platforms. The therapist has to sort of crawl and scoot about to give the massage. It’s a little weird, but I’ve been there twice now and both times were magnificent. The second time better than the first.
I like my massage therapists like I like my OB/GYNs. Female.
I did not get a female massage therapist. I got a Brian.
Brian is probably at least 10 years younger than I am. Not old or anything, but not young either. Brian had only been a massage therapist for 8 months. Within 10 minutes, Brian worked out knots in my back which have been there since the ’90’s.
I don’t get full body massages anymore. I ask the therapist to focus on my neck, shoulders, and back. I have a variation of the following conversation with all massage therapists:
Me: We will only have time for my neck, shoulders, and back, so you should just focus on those spots.
Massage therapist: Oh, don’t worry. I get a lot of people who are tense. We’ll be fine.
Me: Ooookay.
Approximately 3 minutes later:
MT: Oh. Okay. You really have some trouble spots.
Me:…
Brian made progress so fast that I didn’t object when he started on my legs. For the record, unbeknownst to me, I have bigger knots in my ham strings than I do my shoulder blades.
Then, the most uncomfortable, yet incredible thing happened. Brian asked me if I wanted him to work on my “hips”. I fucking know what that is code for. “Hips” is code for “butt”. My very first post on this blog was about this very subject. No. No on the butt touching. Well, the post was about no boob touching, but I mentioned the no butt touching thing.
I totally let Brian touch my butt.
I am not going to lie. I wasn’t entirely comfortable. Or comfortable at all. But it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. And it wasn’t like the butt cheek was exposed. I couldn’t bring myself to take my underwear off. That’s too weird. So he had to massage through the sheet and my underwear, but it still felt like a sweet moment of butt cheek heaven.
I have no idea what that actually means. A sweet moment of butt cheek heaven. I can leave it up to you guys to figure it out.
I guess I didn’t show my actual ass this second time, but there was still a lot of skin exposed to a stranger. He won’t be a stranger when I go back next month. I’m starting to think maybe, perhaps, there’s a teeny tiny possibility I can get rid of the always present knots in my back and shoulders.
*****
Okay, totally switching gears here. But Did You Die is out and available for sale! I mailed some copies out to a few of you that Randy chose at random. If you would like an autographed copy for 15.00 , then hit the “contact” button and send me an email and I will send one your way.
I <3 U.
it is like a spot of sunshine on a rainy day to see your posts. Always funny even when it is serious and touching. Your writing gets better and better.
A year and a half after an accident and broken shoulder, I went to a new massage therapist. She said she wanted to work on my pecs. She meant boobs. Oh. My. God. For the first time since injury I could lift my arm without pain, all the way to up. It was so worth it to have boob massage. Weird, though. heh-heh, I said boob massage.
You could ask for Brian next time.
I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate this. I’m working on another project (a loooong one) and I feel like the biggest fraud on the planet…but I just work through that shit.
Boob massage. I don’t know. I’d have to be in a lot of pain. I have terrible stomach issues and Brian said that abdominal massage works great. I laughed my ass off. Ummm. NO. NO NO NO NO NO. hahha.
I have had ab massage — it involved a much lighter touch than other areas. It did help, even though letting someone touch my puffy tummy was aawwk-ward! She worked on top of the sheet.
I would have to think long and hard about that. My stomach is a “no touch” zone. Mostly because I have been nauseous since childhood.
You had good excuses both times.
Nothing likely to earn you a visit from the police saying, “We’ve had a number of complaints…”
Hahahaha that is true..that is not something I want to hear from the police.
I used to have butt massages when I was pregnant. Because my hips got nasty. Always a woman though. I’m glad Brian fixed your knots though.
My hips just started being assholes recently. Brian says I need to do lunges. I ignored that part.
<3
I, also, open my email every morning when I get to work hoping you have posted on your blog. God anything to keep from coding invoices and processing check run….No, it is most of the time hilarious or I can relate to the sorrow.
I know exactly about a guy giving you a massage. The first massage I received by a guy, I started out a little uncomfortable. I lied, I was very uncomfortable. The southern, racial profiling, what messages I received as a child took over, don’t judge. This huge black man walked into my room. He was absolutely the best masseuse I have ever had. My prejudice thoughts lasted 30 seconds when he began, maybe less than that. I will never have qualms about a guy again. They are professional, and what the hell do they care about my 65 year old white ass anyway. You know, what is the deal with our modestly anyway. However, I do try not to expose myself to a whole room of people. But you are right, you will never see these people again. Besides they won’t remember you face.
Thank you so much! XOXOXXOXO
fairly certain that my first real full-body massage was at a resort in Cancún. Big, burly, Mexican dude. Have had a few massages since, and frankly, I wish I coulda kept that guy forever. First massage equaled BEST massage!
… I was wearing a one-piece swimsuit, because, duh, Cancún.
“Brian worked out knots in my back which have been there since the ’90’s.”
Fabulous! A lot of folks have suggested that I’d love/get a lot out of a massage but I just can’t seem to get around the concept of a stranger touching me. Yeah, I guess I’m so tense that even my knots have knots.
Yeah, it takes some getting used to, but I love it almost every time.
Butt cheek heaven sounds great!!!
The nurses would not have batted an eyelash, so don’t worry, I reckon the universe just wanted to give you another hilarious story, so we should all be grateful for that!!!! 😉
Haha..I am always grateful for blog fodder.
OMG! this was hysterical. I could so picture you standing there in the open robe thing! Thank you I needed a laugh today!
YAY for laughing!!
The 2 door bathroom in Doctor’s offices is so mean! Who wants a Jack and Jill bathroom feature in a doctor’s office? Then there are some that have the little door that goes to the lab and the lab waiting for a sample will open the little door on their side. Oh yes nothing like seeing a big ole eyebrow nose and eyeball staring through a mouse door while you are trying to just have a pee!
Right? I said something to the nurse when she came in and she said..well, didn’t you see the other door when we walked in? Ummmm..no? I don’t think it would have been a problem had I noticed the other door.
Butt Cheek Heaven sounds like it should be the title of a rap song (though then it would be Ass Heaven I guess). If Dr. Dre did the best or Ludacris performs it I’d totally buy it against my feminist nature.
I avoid mirrors. But for some reason I have no problem being naked in front of strangers. I’ll walk in front of the window open curtains naked (it’s my house and whose looking is my theory). I’ve flashed people on purpose in my youthful days. I don’t pee outside my house or a hotel unless I have to. For doing both you are my hero!
Honestly men masseurs are my favorite. Men and teeny women. Seriously. I like some force in my massages and both of those types seem to have just the right amount of pressure. Do what you do while I lay here as naked as can be. I trust you.
I am with you. I like hard pressure. It’s hurts like fuck, but the results are amazing!
I had a tiny Asian woman HURT me during a massage. I think I *tried* to indicate that she was causing me pain, but there was 1) a language barrier and 2) some bs ego thing?
I did not return to that establishment.
I’m glad you had a good massage, and your bathroom exposure ordeal reminds me of something my speech pathologist told me while I was in rehab: “Don’t be embarrassed. We’re doctors. We’ve seen it before. A lot.” Which doesn’t really help with the other patients, of course, but still.
I also remember being taught how to go to the bathroom and how to shower by my OT when I was in rehab, and of course my OT was a very nice woman named Gina.
Gina is awesome. Every time I saw her for three weeks, my quality of life improved by one regulation fuck-ton. Still, it took me a while before it seemed OK to just take my clothes off in front of her. Come to think of it, that may have been what my speech pathologist was trying to tell me…
A regulation fuck ton. Hahahaha. Yeah, they’ve seen it all. Especially if they were there that afternoon.
You got me with the scene at the doctor’s office–you’re always hilarious, but this was one of your best! I was in the midst of disrobing in the exam room at a then-new-to-me dermatologist’s office a few years back and she walked in while I was half naked, sans gown. I don’t know who was more red-faced; she backed out and came back a few minutes later. I just stuck my hand out when she returned and said, “I think we’ve met.”
Hahhha, that was the perfect way to greet her! And thank you!
I must confess, I think nothing of stripping off the undies for a massage. Partly because I’ve been for a Brazillian wax before – try having any shame about exposing your undercarriage after you’ve had a stranger staring at it from every angle for an hour as they slather, pat and rip – but mostly because some massage therapists can be a tad over-liberal with the oil, and you only need to go back out in public with your panties clinging to your ass like a wet swimsuit once to know you never want to repeat the experience.
I don’t think I could get bikini wax. I gave myself one once. It was an ordeal.
So much nudity, so little time! My favourite line has to be “I totally let Brian touch my butt.” I’ll bet that was a phrase you never thought you’d say during the course of your life (unless you had a boyfriend named Brian before you met Randy:-)
No..no Brians and yes, you are right, I would have never imagined saying that. Haha
This brings back memories of when I was in the hospital and so many people were coming into examine me I started lifting my gown every time the door opened. At least until some guy said, “Whoa, wrong room!”
And then I was in the bathroom and some asshole doctor who was talking loudly to someone started trying to open the door, which of course had a busted lock, and was so fucking clueless he didn’t notice I was in there pulling it shut.
Anyway I’m glad you weren’t overly embarrassed by the whole experience and got some butt cheek heaven.
I remember that from when I had my kids…everyone copped a feel. Pretty sure even the janitor did.
So funny. I’d rather have a guy massage me than a woman. I like the feel of big, strong male hands on me, what can I say? (Don’t tell my husband).
Hahahaha…I promise to not tell.
You always crack me up! I love “butt cheek heaven”!
Hahaha..thank you so much! xoxoxox
I’m dying! I love seeing your posts show up in my inbox and I save them for later in the day when my sweet 11-month-old -ove-her-but-she’s-11-months-old granddaughter gets picked up by her parents. You never disappoint!
Thank you so much! I had a shitty day and this helps make it better!
I have a bunch of butt exposure coming up and it ain’t gonna be the rubby-dubby kind.
I am sooooo jealous. But in the ‘happy you’re working out those knots wherever they may be, including the ‘brain knots’ ;)’ kind of way 🙂 🙂 🙂
That was a really nice gift and accepting a Brian despite your natural inclinations was a good choice! Both my husband and son are massage therapists and it really is all about the ‘healing.’ They don’t pay attention to the ‘flesh;’ they are focused on the tension and conformation of the pain area. Promise! A boob is an arm is a butt is a shoulder. Unless it’s stinky or dirty.
But then your butt is the least of your problems, ‘eh?
Thanks for a fun and cringeworthy warning for my upcoming appointments LOL… I am aware and prepared for the double door bathroom 🙂
AND I sent a book request to my director so we can have a copy in the libraries 🙂 Congratulations!!
OMG thank you so much! So excited about the library. And good luck on your appointments. They’re never fun.
I had several years of surgery and treatment for infertility, I got so used for people seeing me naked I used to say that if I saw anyone in a white lab coat I would start taking my clothes off. Now, at age 63 I am a studio model for artists. Yep, butt neked. Apparently I’ve given up on modesty.
What a cool job!!!
Artist here: the best studio models are older and have some personality in their body. Much more interesting to draw. Thanks for being a model.
I was a figure study model in college, plus theatre major, so NO modesty for me! Now that I’m “of a certain age”, I’d love to get back into figure study modeling. It was a sweet gig.
You go!
OMG! I don’t take my panties off for massage either! But I do let my masseuse push the undies up and into my crack (sheesh, listen to me) and massage my butt cheeks because my butt cheeks take a lot of abuse, being an amateur equestrian and all.
OMG! I don’t take my panties off for massage either! But I do let my masseuse push the undies up and into my crack (sheesh, listen to me) and massage my butt cheeks because my butt cheeks take a lot of abuse, being an amateur equestrian and all.
Haha..yeah, Brian adjusted my undies a little.