You must focus, grasshoppa.
Stories have essential elements. Antagonists, protagonists, conflict, change and resolution. Without those elements, then there is no story.
If my life is a story, then that story has a fuck ton of antagonists.
I think the one force in my life that has done more damage than any others is a lack of focus.
I’m not saying that there haven’t been events or people or even self sabotage that have been more brutal or caused deeper wounds than lack of focus. But, lack of focus has been constant and insidious and has eroded so much productivity in my life. Lack of focus has caused issues that have plagued me for decades and encompasses so many different areas in my life.
My lack of focus has caused financial issues, work issues, relationship issues, and has stunted my personal growth.
Lack of focus is my nemesis.
I find it so difficult to funnel my thoughts and my energy because I constantly battle an inner voice that just won’t shut the fuck up. It’s like a neighbor who stops you at the mailbox and insists on telling you in great and excruciating detail about a recipe she tried the night before. She talks with the speed of an auctioneer and will not stop talking until she describes every measurement. Even after the conversation ends, you hear it’s ghost rattling around in there, taking up precious brain resources that could so be put to better use.
Only my inner voice isn’t talking about crudites and artichoke dips. My inner voice badgers me about my inadequacies and failings. My inner voice taunts me with pain that hasn’t happened yet and with laundry lists of all the times I’ve fallen down.
My lack of focus isn’t just due to my inner voice. I truly have a heard time grasping thoughts. I am constantly distracted. I get frustrated easily and numb my brain with television or social media. I daydream about completing a project, any project and then watch it gather dust and then wither. I know these stumbling blocks are indicators of ADD and depression and anxiety. But it boils down to lack of focus. That is what stands between me and finding out how much I can actually do.
Remember a few weeks ago when I talked vaguely about waiting for an answer?
Well, I didn’t get a complete answer, but I got enough that I am ready to talk about it.
Back in February, I had a Huffington Post article go viral. An agent contacted me after reading the article and suggested that I put together a book proposal. She told me she thought I had the makings in my blog for a good humor memoir.
I almost shit my pants.
I could deflect right now. I could lie. I could say that I hadn’t thought much about writing a book and that I am drawing great satisfaction from writing my blog and for other sites. Which is true, I do get a lot of satisfaction from this blog. I’ve grown and I’ve healed. I’ve made some amazing connections that have become a part of me.
The lie part is ‘I hadn’t thought much about writing a book’. I’ve thought about writing a book pretty much since I read my first one.
To have this agent contact me felt like validation. It quieted down that asshole inner voice of mine (for a few minutes at least).
Randy and I worked for weeks on a proposal. Neither of us know how to put together a proposal, but we read some books and some articles and plowed through.
I sent the proposal to the agent in early April.
Then I waited.
I got an email from her assistant yesterday and it started out amazing. They loved my voice. They both thought I was hilarious.
Then they turned the proposal down. But they didn’t turn me down. Not yet at least.
The assistant told me that the book proposal lacked focus and that it has the feel of a bunch of blog posts strung together. The story line isn’t cohesive.
This is a completely fair assessment.
She ended the email by asking me to try again. Find my focus. Decide what I’m going to say and tell a story that makes sense. She said I could send a new proposal and they would consider it.
I still have a tiny foot in the door.
I can’t fuck this up.
I have to find my focus.
I have to defeat a lifelong antagonist. I need my conflict resolution and my growth.
I need them now.
Today is my day to freak out about this. Today is the day that I’m lowering my fists and letting my inner voice have her say. I don’t care what she has to say. She can say what she wants. She can tell me that I can’t write this proposal. She can tell me that even if I can write the proposal, that I won’t be able to write the book. She can call me self-indulgent. She can tell me that I will fail.
This is her day.
Tomorrow? Tomorrow I kick her ass and get to work.
Wish me luck.
let the ass kicking begin!
tomorrow!
let the ass kicking begin!
tomorrow!
Yep…I’m getting there.
It sounds like the agent was saying “We love your writing, now give us something that we can sell.” Which is completely understandable. They have their jobs to do also, and publishing isn’t a high-margin sort of industry, from what I understand about it. There is no doubt in MY mind that you can do this. The doubts in YOUR mind come with the territory; they’re (among other things) your mind’s way of making sure you have all of the details covered, and until you know for certain what all of those details are, you won’t know whether or not you have navigated them.
One of my very favorite authors is Daniel Quinn, and in one of his books, he describes learning to be an author. He said he went to college for years and years and never learned anything about how to write a book. He said that all they did in college was study the books that others had written, and he graduated not knowing jack about how to get a book published. He got a job a publisher, and learned what to do from actually watching it being done. I don’t know whether you will find any of this helpful, but at least know that I believe you are up to the task, and am looking forward to reading whatever actually comes of it.
Thanks. I kind assumed you’d be along for the ride. 🙂
I will check out Daniel Quinn. I have a lot of reading to do.
I think you can do this!
I get that this is causing stress but it’s still an exciting opportunity. Remember that inner voice is a liar and prove her wrong.
I am. I am going to do this.
Your agent doesn’t know sh-t from Shinola (whatever that means!) Is your book-to-be a bunch of strung-together blogs in the same way that, say, Garrison Keillor or Michael Perry, Rick Bragg or my personal favorite, Lewis Grizzard are famous for? What’s wrong with that?
Hang in there. You’ll get the Pulitzer prize/wrestling belt yet.
Hahah…I’d be happy with just having a book.
THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING!
I wish you all the luck. You can TOTALLY do this!
Thank you, Jen! I am going to give it all I have and in the end, no matter what happens, I’ll be happy with it.
You don’t need luck, darling. You have exactly what it takes. Find that focus and give the rest of us someone to root for. You can do this.
Thanks…that helps. More than I can tell you.
Maybe you can write a book about how you found your focus? People love a good overcoming hardship story 😉
I’m totally excited for you! That sound you hear is me doing cheerleader moves at the sidelines 😉
you know…that’s not a bad idea. I just have to find it. haha
You got this, Michelle. I can’t wait to read your book.
Thank you!!!! I can’t wait either.
Yippppeeee! I’m not alone. I’m amazed I somehow make it from dawn to dusk each without my whole life going sideways. Oh wait. Hmmm….
Hoping a book agent randomly calls me up one day too… Fingers crossed. And legs. And arms. Eyes? Should I cross them too?
Congratulations dahhhhling.
Thank you so much. I do appreciate this opportunity and know how fortunate I am. I just want to NOT fuck it up. haha.
I know you can do this, too! I know it. And I will be cheering for you the whole way.
And MY inner voice keeps saying “Oh yeah? Well, what about Dave Barry? His books make me laugh till I cry, and they are a compilation of unrelated essays (before blogs were a thing). Do all like TWELVE of HIS books ‘lack focus’?? If they can’t use your story the way YOU tell it…maybe THEY are the problem.”
So my inner voice hopes you keep your style and kick…any asses that need it.
Dave Barry is the shit…and thank you. 🙂
Wow, Michelle. Yeah, kick that bitch’s ass! And I don’t see what’s wrong with stringing blog posts together. Each one is unique in and of itself. Oh but what do I know? 🙂
Thank you..
And I think I will be able to steal from my posts…I’m still trying to figure out what the focus is going to be.
Others have mentioned Dave Barry, Garrison Keillor, and others before I could get to it, and I could mention Joyce Carol Oates who is known for being insanely prolific but has said she spends a lot of time staring out her window without any kind of focus. But what I really want to focus on is that you’re letting your negative voice vent. This seems like a wise strategy. Sometimes letting that annoying neighbor go on has a way of clearing the air. It gives you space to focus on what you really want to do without worrying you’re about to be interrupted.
That was my thinking exactly. Just go ahead and get it over with and stop fighting it.
The biggest surprise here is that you haven’t been asked to write a book before now! You are awesome and I can’t wait to read it.
Starting is the hardest thing, followed by finishing. I know this from personal experience. So just focus on starting. The rest will follow, one bit at a time. You got this!
I have to focus on the ‘one bit at a time’ part. That is what will get me through.
I have worked as a publisher… Think market…think pitch… Think positioning against other authors…. What makes your voice universal yet unique? What will resonate with an audience while allowing you to be you? What can you add to the world that nobody else could?
Tough but do-able.
Snatch the pebble from the had, Grasshopper.
Those are some hard fucking questions. But yes..I can do it. 🙂
…hand…
Sorry
Of course they loved your voice, you are indeed hilarious. Go for it, you really can do this.
One of my favourite books is Gerald Durrell’s ‘My family and other animals’.
I can see you writing something in that vein, perhaps picking a year or a summer that has a real significance to you and use the material you have to paint the picture of the whole time line of whatever period you’ve chosen to talk about.
Whatever it is you do I’m sure it will be a damn good read.
Oh thank you for the recommendation!! And thanks, I needed that.
Yikes. When I read your paragraph “My lack of focus isn’t just…” I thought I was thinking, and not reading someone else’s words. Yup. I’m not only blessed with a piss-poor memory, but an inability to focus. And it’s getting worse. I wish I had something useful to share, but all I can offer you is understanding and hope. You have come this far; there’s no reason not to stay on this trajectory, even if you stumble along short detours and your speed varies. I truly want to encourage and support you and tell you that I’m behind you 100%. (If only I could direct that inwards sometimes, maybe I’d get something done. WTF??) It’s like I’m cheering on one of my kind who is making a beeline for that slightly opened heavy door and about to escape this self-imposed shit, lol. Run M! Run! Aw, fuck… it’s all uphill. GoGoGo!
This made me smile so big. Thank you.
I’ll leave the door cracked for you.
First of all, you should “kvell” (look it up-yiddish) in the honor of THEM calling YOU. That’s YOUR ego they’re stroking!
Everybody had good suggestions. Close your eyes and pick one. Or make a list (gag) of Titles. Sometimes starting at the end actually brings you full circle to the beginning.”
You have the talent. Everything else is just angst.
OMFG
You have the talent. Everything else is just angst.
I need that tattooed on my eyelids. Thank you.
This is your time now you can do this !!!!!!!!!!
And don’t forget to
Breathe!
I am taking it one breath at a time…still have no idea what my focus is..but I’m not panicking.
Today is Sunday.
I hope that by today, you have told that inner voice that plagues you to fuck off!
You got this!
love,
one of your twisted cheerleaders
Yeah…..It’s better. I still have no idea what my theme is, though. None. I cannot get my head around it. But I’m not panicking. yet.
Well, there’s a theme for you…….Write about how hard it was to come up with only one significant idea for the book. The time it took to start – the interruptions – the “help” your family gives you – the interruptions – your friend’s inputs – the interruptions – the mind wanderings – the interruptions – well, you get my drift.
There’s no one on this page who doesn’t think you can do it, and do it exceedingly well.
Remember that. And if all else fails…….there’s always Xanax and booze. And we’re still here waiting for updates & cheering you on!
I’m trying to come up with life changing epiphanies and all I can think is: I don’t HAVE epiphanies…I have escape hatches.
So maybe THAT is the theme
I went to bed last night thinking I had decided on what would string the story together…I woke up this morning feeling like it’s too vague. I’m getting there
You go girl! My first book was basically a bunch of blog posts strung together…raw and unpolished (and self published) and it’s still selling 🙂
My second book will be better and different.
I have no doubt you will rock this because your writing, style, and wit is genuine and stellar!
GO GET IT!
Okay! I will!
I just have to figure out what I want to say. Hahaha.
Escape hatches are great, very useful. You already have focus, you’ve made a plan. And now you will see it through. Enjoy your last words, negative inner voice! Tomorrow you turn into a cheerleader!
We’re still negotiating that a little bit…
You can do this! I think you will be a wonderful author. You will find your focus, got my fingers crossed for you.
Thank you!! I appreciate that so much!
GIRL I AM SO SO SO DANCING UP IN HERRE.
Thank you! I am not quite yet…still feeling a bit paralyzed…but I’m getting there.
Great post. Good luck. Try yoga. It really helps with mental focus, especially because all your thoughts are going into how do maintain the poses. At the end, your mind gets clearer, somehow. Let that voice have her say, and then kick it to the middle of next year.
Oh man…that is a GREAT idea!!! Thank you!
Good luck! Thanks for your candor! It’s all too rare these days!
Thank you so much!
You can do this! You can, punch that bitch in the mouth and get to work! It won’t be easy but fighting for our dreams never are. This is it Michelle take that foot in the door and kick it wide open! I believe in you!
Thank you, sister. THis helps.
Hey Michelle! “Everything is working out for you!” That is one of my favorite quotes from Abraham-Hicks and I use it to remind myself (and hopefully you) that you just can’t screw this up. Seriously. Regardless of the outcome you will be steps ahead of where you are now and it is only a matter of time until your book comes out. Sometimes taking the pressure off this moment and just resting in the knowing that it WILL happen is enough. You ARE good enough. You have a funny and unique voice and people will love it. It is just a matter of time. ~Kathy
I didn’t know how badly I needed to read EXACTLY this until I read it and got kind of teary. XXXOOO
I so understand the lack of focus. It’s been kicking me forever.
An agent wanting a proposal seems so great until you realize it’s scary as hell.
It takes time to write a good proposal. I know somebody who spent all her time for six months writing one. But she ended up with a mega deal for two books
Don’t be afraid to take time—and if need by try hiring somebody for the final “focused” product.
I so understand the lack of focus. It’s been kicking me forever.
An agent wanting a proposal seems so great until you realize it’s scary as hell.
It takes time to write a good proposal. I know somebody who spent all her time for six months writing one. But she ended up with a mega deal for two books
Don’t be afraid to take time—and if need by try hiring somebody for the final “focused” product.
Yeah..we rushed the first one.
I work full time so it’s going to take a while to do this right. I am SO VERY fortunate that my husband is working on this with me. I couldn’t do this without him. He keeps me on track and takes care of the boring stuff that I cannot focus on.
And I have already decided that I’m going to hire someone to look over the finished product.
This is so EXCITING!!!! I know you can do this. And your voice is wonderful. I’m cheering for you!
Thank you, Sharon! I need all the cheering I can get. 🙂
I just read a quote from Louise Hay: “You already have everything you need inside you.” It really resonated with me. My inner voice is an asshole, but, every once in a while, I realize defeating her incessant nagging is a victory to be cherished. Maybe it’s time to thank that inner voice, tell her you appreciate her contributions to your growth and let her know it’s time to move on. You have a dream in hand, the real possibility of a book. Find your focus and the dream becomes reality. Escape Hatch(es). That’s a book title I would pick up and read!
I never thought of it that way..I just viewed that voice as something to fight against.
And, I started a blog post last night about escape hatches. haha.
Your lack of focus might also be a contributing factor to your unique voice. Acknowledge it. Give your inner voice time to speak it’s mind and then move on. Good luck!
I didn’t think of it that way. Let’s go with that. 🙂
You can Do it Michelle. I promise to buy it when it comes out.
I am sending you big fat kisses for that!
I’m incredibly excited for you! I know this must be nerve-wracking, but I have no doubt that you can do it!
It is. I haven’t gotten much done on it yet…a little paralyzed.