Hi! Welcome to the anxiety cafe. We’re super glad to have you.

As you can see we are following social distancing rules and everyone must wear a mask. Although, I have to tell you, I don’t know if they really work. Also, that large fellow in the corner seems to be getting annoyed with his mask and we all know how that can go. Haha.

Follow me please, I’m going to take you to section 4, we call this the quarantine section.

Personally, my favorite section is the hydroxychloroquine section. Everyone there always seem so hopeful, I would take you there, but that section is full. And I am pretty sure I heard someone cough.

Can I start you both with a little nip of worry?

Perhaps something to tide you over? No? Well, I will just jump right into the specials.

We have a lovely arrangement that has been quite popular. We start with a base of “How can you be sure if anyone really loves you” we add a layer of “9th grade gym class” and then smother that in “fear and resentment against an overbearing mother”. The finish is, “we guarantee that any credit card you use to pay your bill will be declined”.

You might not want something quite so heavy. It can be a bit much. We served this last night as well. I haven’t seen so many grown men crying at the same time since we ran that special on spiders and heights.

No worries. Haha, bad joke, I know.

But we do have two other options. We have a chef’s choice. We don’t tell you what you are going to get, but we will drop cryptic hints and deliver at least 30 minutes after promised. Also, the chef did recently get tested for COVID-19, but we will not share the results with you. I can’t tell you too much about it, although I do feel like this one is a little heavy on the guilt, but some people really like that.

Or, you can build your own basket! You pick one option from 3 categories that best suit your needs.

Can I bring you both a glass of water? More than likely, the glasses have been properly cleaned and sanitized, but who knows? I mean, for all you know I’m having a really bad day and am so emotionally immature that I get relief by licking the rims of the glasses in an attempt to spread my germs to unwitting people. During a pandemic!

I also have a wide array of plastic straws which after they are discarded, will likely choke a majestic sea creature to death. No? Do you have any questions about the menu?

Oh, you are ready to order.  Yes, the chef’s choice. Nicely done, sir. I think you will find it particularly gratifying, considering your wardrobe choice this evening. Also, I will need you to sign this waiver, thank you so much.

And for you, ma’am? Yes, the build your own. Lovely. I will need you to choose one from each category.

First we have the general anxiety category.

Would you like,

• “boss checks your browser history”,
• “accidentally naked in public” or
• “left iron on”?

Okay, add one iron.

Next is fear of the future.

Would you like that fear to more resemble Mad Max, The Hunger Games or Four More Years! Okay, interesting choice. Going with the second term anxiety. That’s very bold ma’am.

And lastly, please pick from the questions that keep you from sleeping category.

Would you like

• “If you could know would you want to know exactly when and how you die?”,
• “Why did you say that stupid thing to Andrea Marshall in the third grade”? or
• “For all that is fucking holy, what if he wins again?”

Andrea Marshall it is! I think that will balance out that whole second term choice. Don’t want to overdo it.

Oh, and sir. The chef will want to know how you feel about drowning and rodents.

If you want to follow up with something light to worry about to wind down, we have an array to choose from including “Bugs laying eggs in your ears” and “What if there’s no toilet paper in the bathroom?”

Okay, I think I have everything I need for your order. I’m just going to leave you to your thoughts and perhaps and uncomfortable silence.

Also, I’m not sure if you noticed it or not, but it does appear that everyone is looking at you.”