Not the one where women were asked if they would rather be alone in a forest with a bear or an unknown man. The one where women overwhelmingly chose the bear. Not that made up bear.

I’m talking about the pretend bear breathing down your neck causing a “flight or fight” reaction.

For the record, my go to is “flight”. But that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes access “fight”. 

How can you possibly manage anxiety if there really are bears? A lot of them. Not to mention, the bears that aren’t really bears don’t just go away. 

I live in a fascist country where cruelty is the point. I mourn for the loss of lives and livelihood. And I’m bracing for when the dismantling of our democracy sucks us into that bleak hole. 

I want to be comforted by the fact that I’m not alone, but I’m not. I am horrified. I don’t want this for anyone. I don’t want the world to suffer. 

The bear doesn’t get any more real. 

My job is a complete shit show that I don’t even have the energy to complain about. There is a runaway train headed right for us. It used to be about 100 miles away, but I’d say it’s half that now. Yet, I am still the only one who sees it. I’ve tried, y’all. I have tried. But they are choosing not to listen. I’m not quite as worried about this bleak hole of suckage, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a decent chance I will get sucked into it. 

I’m old now. I don’t want any of this now. I am tired and I want my brain to leave me alone for a goddamn minute. For fuck’s sake. One fucking minute. I have so much circling around in there that trying focus on one thing is like sticking your hand in a fan. 

I force myself to participate in creativeness. I am taking improv classes. I have been performing at stand-up shows and open mics. Not a lot, but more than usual. I’d do more, but they’re always so fucking late. I want some blue plate special open mics. Show starts at 5:30 and everyone is home before 8:00. 

I need to write more, but like I said, fan blades.  I need to break out of this. This is my life. I am way past the middle part. Well, maybe not way past, but definitely past. 

I really don’t have time to waste. I need to stick my hand in the fan.

Working on how.

I still have a Facebook account and since the inception of that account and my need to record anytime I do something wrong, I never have to forget any of my bullshit.

Thanks to Facebook memories, I will never forget the time I:

Put a hole in my garage wall because I misjudged when I pulled my car in.

Got melted cheese from a prepared frozen dinner stuck in my eyelashes. (I was going to say “TV dinner” but I thought it made me sound too old.)

Walked barefoot across the floor in a hospital Emergency room. (I can still feel the MRSA between my toes.)

Tried using coffee grounds as a shower scrub.

Got pulled over for speeding.

Got pulled over for speeding, again.

Fell in a hole.

Had an actual argument with Randy over why we shouldn’t buy a used hearse as the family vehicle.

Bombed at an open mic. Really really bombed. (I can still feel the original cringe.)

Heard a police shoot out from the parking lot at my job. (I hauled ass through the parking lot to get into the building because it was close and if anyone is catching a stray bullet, it’s me.)

Mistook a piece of metal for a coiled up snake in the back yard. For hours.

Accidentally flashed the entire world at my doctor’s office. (I had a robe on, but it wasn’t closed and I walked into the bathroom from the examining room with all my shit hanging out. There were two doors in the bathroom. The other was wide open and there were many people milling about.)

Face planted in my boss’s office.

I’m sure I could list these all day long. Thankfully, anything I missed will just likely show up next year. Yay for memories!

To be fair, that last one? I was never forgetting that one anyway. It was years ago and I am just now admitting this pain in my shoulder isn’t going away and I need to see a doctor.

When I say “everybody” I mean all the different little anxieties fighting for attention.

I would love to say this isn’t a common occurrence, but has been life for a while. I mean, it is better. Once I got past some physical shit, my anxiety got way better. It had to get better. You just can’t stay in crisis mode forever. It is exhausting and then becomes super annoying. I was sick of myself, I can’t imagine I’ve been easy for the people around me. Not always at least.

Even though it is better doesn’t mean it is great. When I stopped taking a medication that cleared up an issue I’ve had for going on two years, my body didn’t just snap back in place like a rubber band. It was pretty quick though. I felt some relief within 48 hours and it got better from there within a few days.

My brain? I think that elastic is way more worn out because it is taking it’s own sweet time coming back.

I had a new anxiety join this morning and y’all it was fucking weird.

When I have to concentrate at work, I listen to music. I have specific playlists for specific tasks. First thing in the morning I listen to my “get this shit started” song.

So, I am listening to my morning playlist and wake up my monitors.

I heard that you were talking shit

I have 3 monitors. I am not sure what size they are. They’re not tiny and I’m not measuring. I woke my monitors and the picture I was faced with instantly made my stomach hurt.

The picture was terrifying. But it wasn’t. Not really. It just looked a lot like my anxiety dreams except presented in a manner my brain hadn’t thought of.

So it’s not just gonna happen like that

Sometimes I have nightmares that involve immersing or being covered in green murky water. There are a number of themes I can count on but nothing like that fucking picture. I don’t want that one making an appearance.

I texted Randy and he said to just change the picture.

But no, I’m not doing that. It is a stupid picture that is actually kind of pretty. I totally accept that anxiety is a buddy that probably will be by my side until I shuffle off. Sometimes you have to put your foot down and push back a little.

A few times I’ve been around that track

I got involved in a few things and switched over to the monitor on my left and that fucking picture startled me.

That shit is

I’m not giving up yet. I’m prepared. The weird ass swirling well picture doesn’t get to win. Also, if I am being honest here, I don’t really know how to change that picture. I have worked in IT for over three decades, but if I get outside my old ass server and black screen with green letters, then I am like a child.

I could probably figure it out, but I avoid learning anything new in my field. If I don’t know something, then I can’t help users with it. I already have enough crammed in my brain.

Also, trying to figure this shit out stresses me out and makes me feel dumb. I’ve already seen the well to hell picture. It isn’t going anywhere.

Bananas.