Four days and three nights nestled in the tree tops with our mountain friends.
Holy shit, you guys, other than a slightly rocky start to the weekend, we couldn’t have asked for a better time.
I won’t go into detail a whole lot about the rocky start. We will just say that it resulted in my knee being scraped up, a busted chin, and leave it at that.
I am falling down way too much these days. I’m definitely gonna end up with a new hip.
While we were wrapped in the comforting embrace of our mountain friends, the video of my Listen To Your Mother performance released on YouTube.
Here is a breakdown, by time:
00:01 – Don’t vomit. Don’t blow snot out of your nose holes.
00:02 – What if I forgot how to read?
00:30 – Good. Your voice isn’t all wavery. Is wavery a word? Shaky? I don’t know. Pay attention. You’re gonna lose your place.
00:58 – Why in the FUCK did I think having the word ‘confiscated’ was a good idea. Don’t stumble.
01:00 – Oh good. You stumbled over ‘electronic’ instead.
02:17 – Okay, now we’re going to talk about what it was like to talk about sex when I was a kid. So make sure to try to make eye contact with your mom!
03:28 – Not crazy about the ‘hot waffles’ comment.
04;09 – This part is boring. I wonder if I left the oven on?
04:15 – Fucking hell. I bet I did leave the oven on.
05:12 – I feel sweat in my butt crack. Holy shit. I bet I have humongous pit stains.
05:44 – Maybe getting on stage and admitting to hundreds of people that you suck as a mom wasn’t a great idea.
06:16 – Almost finished. At least they laughed.
06:43 – Okay then. We did it. FUCK. YES.
That might not be entirely accurate, but it’s goddamn close.
Between this and the Huffpost Live segment I did, I’ve been looking at myself way more than I’m accustomed to. Where the fuck do my lips go when I’m not speaking? They tuck into my mouth giving me that expression that all politicians use when they’re about to admit to sexual misconduct.
You guys, here is the other thing I discovered about the Listen To Your Mother videos from my show.
I’m in every single one of them.
Every. Single. Video.
The way the camera sets up puts me in everyone else’s performance. When I realized that, I had that little panicky steely pinch grasp the back of my neck. Holy fuck. My coughing meltdown. It’s on goddamn video. The performance following mine is the one where I had an asthma attack. I think I hid the attack pretty well. I looked around, just before leaving my seat, and I could see the trapped panic on my face. At least, my face hadn’t turned as purple as my dress yet.
I flipped through the other videos but I haven’t watched all the other videos yet. I’m afraid to. I get bored sitting still for so long. I fidget like a motherfucker and I’m pretty sure I cried more than once during the readings. I feel bad for all the other performers. They should have sat someone in my chair who would have, at least, sat still for the whole show.
I guess it does me no good to fret over this. I guess facing reality is really the best choice.
Which I have to do now.
Back to work tomorrow.
I needed a few more days.
I loved, loved, LOVED your story! You were fabulous! You’re a fucking rock star. No joke.
Oh thank you so much, sister! I LOVED seeing yours as well…You were just spot on and hilarious.
So glad you posted this video. You were wonderful! And I LIKED the waffle comment. Just sayin!
Now I have to go unload the dishwasher. hahahahahahahha
Hahaha…yeah, have fun with your kitchen appliance!
You are amazing – I LOVED your talk – I am off to see where I can find some more of them !!!!!! Thank you for giving me something to smile about this afternoon having just come back into the office after changing a tyre because a very kind gentleman in the office next door came and told me I had a flat tyre !
Have the best day !
xox
Thank you so much! Sorry about the flat, though. yuck.
Briana said that she would download both videos at a friend’s house and bring them to me on a flash drive. I’ll watch them then, hell, I’ll even have copies of them in my “My Videos” folder…
Yay! I hope you enjoy them!
🙂 That’s how my brain works on stage, not when I’m singing but when I have to talk to the audience definitely, though it used to be throughout the whole performance when I first started a million years ago. The good news is that it gets a lot easier, eventually.
You rocked it, like I knew you would.
Thank you, sister! Now…to get through the event next Friday…
I’m really not nervous about it.
You can say what you want, but I still think you are insanely brave.
Thank you! I will remind myself of this if I feel anxious today.
You are amazing. And amazingly hilarious. Don’t worry about blowing snot out your nose holes. I laughed so hard I did it for you.
HAHAHAHA…Thank you!!!!
I’m so excited to have finally gotten to see your reading! You did great, Michelle! 🙂
Thank you so much! It was a lot of fun. It really was.
FANTASTIC fucking FANTASTIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Be proud, be confident
But most of all thank you for being You .
A real professional
I need more videos please . Haven’t laughed so much in a long time xx
Oh wow..thank you so much! I am actually doing a reading this Friday. I’ll make sure Randy gets a good video of it. It might be boring, because one of the pieces I am reading is this one since I’m familiar with it.
Yay you! Absolutely fantastic!
THANK YOU!!!!
What’s better that enjoying my morning coffee while reading your blog? Enjoying my coffee while watching a video of you reading from your blog! I didn’t even notice the stumble on the electronics word. I did notice all the hearty laughs you got from the audience 🙂 You did great!
Thank you! It wasn’t much of a stumble, but I heard it. And thanks again, I really had a lot of fun.
Oh I just bow down before you!!!!!! That was just amazing!!!! I adored your piece and I totally loved getting to hear you read it. Congratulations!
Oh, thank you so much, sweetness!!!
You were (and ARE) AMAZING!!! Congrats and thank you for always making me smile with your stories. XO
Thank you, Marcia!
Wow, that was hilarious. You talk as awesomely as you write! Keep doing THAT!! 🙂
love ya
Jackie
I am working on it, sister…and thank you. 🙂
Well done! You have a lovely voice. (I’m pretty sure I never gave any of my kids “the talk” – and that window has long closed. Phew!)
Thank you! Yeah, we’re done with those days now as well…one more kid at home and he’s starting his last year of high school.
Wow, fabulous job, Michelle! Your video is excellent! 🙂
Thank you!
Oh, that was great! The way you said “He wavered” – wonderful.
And now I have to say – you should totally read the “socks” piece. I want to see you argue with yourself. 😀 You can do it!!
Yeah…that’s what I’m doing. This one and the socks one.
Thank you. 🙂
I loved your video! Which you know because I already told you. I would never have known you were nervous but I love the minute-by-minute breakdown.
You fell again? C’mon, now. There’s a story there……
Yes, there is definitely a story there. hahaah. And thank you. I was nervous but not nearly as nervous as I thought I’d be.
I disappear off the interwebs for a bit and when I get back, you’ve become an acknowledged* rockstar.**
Congrats and I cannot wait to see more!
—-
* – Why does that word always look weird spelled out?
** – You were already a rockstar.
Haha! I kind of felt like a rockstar that day. Apparently, I love applause. I am doing a reading this Friday for a much smaller crowd, but it should be fun.
Thank you! Glad you’re back!!
Love it! I SO should have used this to get my girls to clean their disaster/rooms! Instead, we gave up and went with “Let’s just leave your door closed, K?”
Hahah! That’s what we do now. My 17 yo is a slob. sheesh. Plus, that ploy would have never worked on him. He was all about the sex questions.
Saw your interview and your talk. You were great!
And while you were doing awesome things, I was getting my car stuck in the woods. (http://www.andbythatimean.com/#!Barbaras-big-offroad-adventure/cmbz/55a020380cf21636d2fb13dc.)
Life’s not a competition. But if it was, you’d win this round. Be happy to be you.
Oh no!! I HATE car issues. 🙁
I am happy to be me. And that is very nearly true!