If you have a Facebook account, then you have probably seen the posts where people ask you about your best or your worst Christmas present.
I generally don’t respond to posts like that. Well, unless I think of a hilarious answer, but mostly, I don’t respond.
Not because I don’t find it amusing. I am a unrepentant voyeur. I love hearing about people’s personal shit. I just don’t respond because I’m lazy. It’s like my voracious blog reading. I should comment more on people’s posts, but damn, it’s hard to keep up, especially if you’re kind of lazy.
Anyway, I was thinking about the worst Christmas gift I’ve ever received
I have a good story about it. But I am torn about calling it the worst gift ever because it has also given me a great Christmas story to tell for well over 2 decades now. So that makes the gift kind of awesome.
I don’t talk too much about my second husband because it’s not a pleasant place to go. But I do have a good “bad Christmas present” story from that era in my life.
My second husband was the middle of three boys. His older brother was one of the most socially awkward people I had ever met. I liked him, though. He didn’t talk much, but when he did talk, he usually said something interesting. His wife was a character. She was a loud Lithuanian woman with strong opinions on everything. As introverted as my brother in law was, my sister in law was extroverted. He was tall and thin and she was short and round.
They ran a thrift shop in Lubbock, Texas and we only saw them at Christmas. My brother in law had a PhD in some science. I don’t remember which, but he was like Beautiful Mind smart. He didn’t work in his field, though. He just raised big snakes and ran a thrift shop.
The first time we met, they visited our house for Christmas. As I had never met my brother and sister
in law before, I didn’t know what to get them for a gift. My husband at the time was no help. I can’t fault him, though. I’ve never had a husband who was good at suggesting gifts.
I went to Williams Sonoma and made a basket of over-priced gadgets, sauces, and snacks. I was proud of the final gift.
When I presented my new in-laws with their gift, my sister in law rifled through the basket, looked at me and said “People must think all we do is eat because all the gifts we’ve gotten are food.”
Well, fuck. I guess I struck out on the gift after all.
Okay, before I say the next thing, I am not a dick when it comes to gifts. If someone takes the time to buy me a gift, then I am grateful and touched. I appreciate the time they took to think of me.
With that being said, she dissed my gift that I agonized over, so I had a tiny attitude. Secondly, they gave us gifts from their thrift shop.
They were so horrible that they were both the worst and best presents I ever received.
My then husband got a slide rule and some used 5 1/4 floppy disks. I got pantyhose that were in a package with a 1950s looking cartoon woman pushing a vacuum on the front. I also got a really big bottle of perfume called “Jingle”. You could say it was a really nice scent if you didn’t mind having your nose hairs singed out. I also got some off-center counted cross stitch thingies.
Zach, my older son, was five at the time. He got a five subject notebook and he was ecstatic. Not even kidding. His little face lit up and he looked at me with that “What? Are you kidding me? This is fucking amazing” look. He was a funny little guy.
I was only with that husband for one other Christmas, so I didn’t get years of awesomely horrible Christmas presents. Just one other year. I got a basket shaped like a duck the second year. It was glorious. I didn’t get them any food products the next year. I learned my lesson. I got them a Hallmark ornament and a gift card. I am sure the ornament eventually made it’s way to a shelf in their thrift shop.
So, hit me. Tell me your best horrible Christmas gifts. I need some Christmas cheer in the form of me laughing about your unfortunate gifts.
Not technically a gift I got, but I feel responsible*:
My poor Brother-in-Law was seriously hard up as a student. Like “Crashing on friend’s floors because he couldn’t even afford the rent in his crappy student bedsit and his friends were too poor to own a couch” hard up.
My Mother-in-Law asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he swallowed his pride and said “Honestly mom, I just need money.” He felt awful asking – he agonised to my wife about whether it was OK, whether it was taking advantage, whether he could take the blow to his pride, but he was working two part time jobs, and studying, and getting no sleep because a floor and a few sheets is no kind of a bed in the middle of winter.
So my MIL asks us if we think it’s OK, or if we can suggest a better present.
No, obviously we can’t. She’s not rolling in cash but she’s comfortable so we say “Even if it’s just some money to help him get a decent meal in and maybe see if he can go halves on the rental deposit with a friend, it’s gotta be something.”
And she nods, and seems to have taken it on board, and she wants to make sure he gets a good present. That should have been a warning.
Christmas rolls around, and we’re all doing the presents thing with obligatory rictus smiles while we wonder how our own fucking family can make it to New Year without at least four of us getting done for murder, and my MIL carefully hoarding every tiny scrap of wrapping paper so she can iron it flat and foist it onto some other poor saps next year, and whimpering whenever any of us rip our presents open because it’s FUCKING WRAPPING PAPER and that’s what it’s for.
And my Brother-in-Law gets to his present from his mom. It’s not huge, but it’s also too big to be cash unless she’s just robbed a bank. So we’re a bit confused but she’s sitting there, beaming away, and he opens it.
It’s a shoe polishing kit.
A really CHEAP shoe polishing kit, the kind of thing that you might get from a really dodgy gas station if you saved up ten stamps and a penny. The free polish that comes with it, for some reason, is burgundy.
“There!” she gasps, all smiles and genuine pride “Now you can get a proper job and start pulling down some real money!”
Thank fuck we gave him a bottle of whisky. It lasted almost until Christmas lunch.
*That was a lie, I don’t feel responsible at all. My MIL is a fucking nightmare and she probably couldn’t buy a good present to save her life.
oh holy hell…THAT is a terrible present. smh
My ex husband’a mother got me the same pair of pajamas two years in a row. Not only were they ugly, but she made it a point to purchase two sizes larger the second year, “so they’ll fit you this time.” Bitch!
What an asshole. My sister’s former mother in law did something similar to her. Bought her a shirt literally five times too big for her.
Hahaha. What is it with MILs? Mine bought me a pair of pants for our first Christmas together that were three sizes too big. Like I literally pulled them up, let go, and they fell to the floor. Oh, and they were ugly, too. And cheap.
Did I mention they were THREE SIZES TOO BIG?
She probably got them at a thrift store.
I have a strong feeling she’s a regifter, too, based on the totally random shit she wraps up for me each year, like punch bowls, dusty candles [SNL got that right!] chunky plastic earrings, circa 1980, misshapen misfit sweaters, ad nauseam.
my MIL was the queen of frugality and would shop pretty much only at Sears and Kinney Drugs. She would give my husband and his brother the exact same shirts with the marked down to $3 price tags still on them. They were marked down for a reason. They were ugly. And I would get an old lady purse. But when she died there was a whole bunch of money she never spent on gifts for her kids. And a bunch of ugly sale items she had stashed away for the next birthday or xmas.
In my family, we TRY to get the cheapest gifts possible. It’s a thing..but they have to be good gifts..they can’t be shitty ones.
Oh, Luvs. Why do I hate Christmas?
Was it the delightful and thoughtful gifts?
Well. Of fucking course…
Daddy….daddy…daddyyyyyy…..
He used Christmas as a twisted ‘end of year’ ‘good daughter/bad daughter’ reward/punishment system.
B.F. Skinner would have been appalled. (I’m reading, ‘Opening Skinner’s Box: Great Psychological Experiments of the 20th Century.’ and I HIGHLY recommend! Utterly fascinating… )
Anyway.
Smoke detector.
2 of ’em.
With expensive lithium batteries.
Because we were living in HIS house (that my ex never managed to get around to PAYING for so it could be OUR house… but, again… I digress in thoughtful rage).
SOoooo…. I packed one in my purse for a year so I could tell when someone was blowing smoke up my ass.
Fucker went off at the strangest times.
Once, at my psychiatrist’s appointment. I shit you not . Funniest, yet tragically most revealing, therapy session ever.
Smoke detectors are NOT Christmas gifts. I don’t care how ‘practical’ they are… Unless you live in a paper tent. With an open fireplace…
No..no that isn’t a good gift. Once, for our wedding anniversary, Randy got me a wet/dry shaver. His younger daughter was around 14 at the time..she said “Daddy..do you even KNOW Michelle? She doesn’t shave in the winter”. Hahaha. I made him take it back and get me something sparkly.
Ooops… Good thing you fixed Randy’s ‘practicality’ early on 😉
I just threw away the whole fucking bar. Tim doesn’t buy me presents cuz I hate them sooooo much. If you wanna buy me something, leave it in the store bag. Nothing bad EVER came out of the store bag 😉
Wrapping paper is just like a big fat liar’s smile…
Hahah..and I elaborately wrap all my presents. It’s compulsive.
Oh Lisa K- I feel your pain. My mother was an abusive mess of a human being and she will always stand out as the worst Christmas gifters I’ve ever recovered from. My birthday is on December 10th and when I was a little girl she would do the same manipulative thing every year. She would tell me I could only have 1 gift so did I want it for my birthday or Christmas. The agony this caused me as a 6-year-old child is fucking indescribable.
Later on, I a guy I had been dating for about 3 months, thought it would be OK to give me a set of used sheets for Chrismas. Used. Fucking. Sheets.
I am sorry your mother treated you that way. How despicable. And used sheets? Fuck that.
Oh, there are so many stories. Let’s see. There was the year that my former aunt went to the dollar store (seriously, the dollar store) and got us each a piece of Made in China $1 crap. I was in high school and got one of those metal coin sorters you put your change into. It had a little chain running through the cap on each tube that was broken when it came out of the box and, because it was produced in a foreign country, the measurements along each tube were wrong when counting how much money you had. I threw it out. I think I would have preferred the dollar to be honest.
Then there was the year back when my sister and grandmother were still alive. My grandmother favored my sister over everyone else. When I graduated from high school my sister got a gift, I didn’t. That sort of thing. Anyway, one year grandma sent everyone in the family (mom, dad, sister, brother) Christmas gifts. Except for me, her oldest grandchild. Then she got mad when she didn’t get a thank you note from me!
Other grandma sent us all matching sweatshirts that had our name and date of birth on them. Nothing says creepy family photo like all wearing crew neck sweatshirts with personally identifiable information on them. That same grandma started shopping at the “community store” when she and my grandfather moved into the assisted living facility. The “community store” was where the families of deceased folks from the home donated unwanted items when their loved ones passed. We called it the “Dead People Store.” She sent me dead people’s mugs, sea shells, and other random things. Merry Christmas, here’s something from a zombie seed!
OMG we had the same grandparents. My maternal grandfather would pull his wallet out at Christmas and give my two younger sisters $20 and give me nothing. He didn’t like me and I have no idea why. I was a little kid for fuck’s sake. My paternal grandmother would give my sisters nicer gifts and begrudgingly give me something shitty. I have no idea why I was not likable as a little kid, but apparently, I was not.
Your MATERNAL grandfather? If I had to guess, I would have guessed it was your paternal grandfather – the apple not falling far from the tree and all. The paternal grandmother makes more sense as she was your Dad’s mom, but gawd, what is WRONG with these people! You WERE a little kid. Geez, that stuff makes my blood boil. I have 4 beloved Granddaughters, and I can’t IMAGINE doing shit like that. Sorry I yelled some of those words, but I’m horrified by your grandparents.
That is terrible, terrible.
(And Kelly & Geoff – a thank you note for nothing. Now THAT takes the cake. geez.)
These stories make me so grateful for my grandparents. Wish I could tell them that.
Nope! My mother married a man much like her father. We had that shit from all sides.
I can’t think of a horrible Christmas gift. I feel kind of stupid for saying that like I’m a saint who’s grateful for everything but I’m not. But here’s this: one year I was thumbing through one of those catalogs of cheap-ass Christmas gift ideas and there was a nose hair trimmer with the caption “Makes a great stocking stuffer!”
Maybe I’m overly sensitive because my father looks like he’s got porcupines stuffed in his nostrils but there’s no way to politely tell him that. And giving someone a nose hair trimmer is a subtle way of telling someone their appearance is disgusting which seems even more dickish.
A gift, especially one given during the holidays, should be something that makes a person happy, not something that makes them feel like they’re not good enough.
If someone needs a nose hair trimmer they probably know it and should be left to buy it for themselves.
So my wife and I were in a store and there was a nose hair trimmer on sale. She saw it first. If I’d seen it first I would have discreetly gotten it. And she said, “Oh, you need that” and grabbed it before I could.
At least it wasn’t a gift but the moral here is if you need a nose hair trimmer get one before somebody else buys one for you.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH That is awesome!
I wish I could “like” this comment! An axiom that belongs on a t-shirt. “Buy yourself the nose hair trimmer before someone else does!”
HAHAHAHAHA…that is awesome.
Some men, especially older men, might not even know there is such a thing as an electric nose hair trimmer. Many men hardly ever visit a store.
that’s the truth right there..
Well, Christopher, that had me laughing out loud!
In 1985 I had my first child…born the beginning of December.
For Christmas that year from N-Dad…one of the gift “sets” I got was a dollar store type spring food scale (anybody from Canada reading remember Zellers of the 70s/80s…yeah…almost as good as dollar store goods right) and two cheap, bound newsprint cookbooks – one for fish and one of diet recipes….FFS I just had a damned baby and he tells me it’s to get the weight off fast…umm…no…nursing a baby here.
He also likes to just buy what’s on sale at Canadian Tire (sort of a combo store between a hardware store/auto store/sporting goods/department store). We’ve gotten unneeded smoke detectors, carbon monoxide detectors (we’d just replaced ours 3 months previous), useless and duplicate kitchen utensils…basically whatever was cheapest and/or deeply discounted from a Canadian Tire sale.
My husband has been a millwright for almost 30 yrs…he likes to pick out his tools personally…my dad bought him a bench vice…the reason he got a vice was because they were 60% off at, yes, Canadian Tire…and you guessed it, we already had a bench vice…had it for 20 years.
Now my sister and her ex husbands and her kids…of course they got all great gifts over the years as did my brother and his family and they weren’t from Canadian Tire. My kids…not so great gifts and barely adequate for their ages each Christmas over the years.
NOW I have nothing against Canadian Tire…I love them…so much that I said to my husband yesterday that he was getting a fancy double bevel sliding laser miter saw and he needed to go get it from Canadian Tire yesterday because a) too big for me to handles, b) I don’t drive stick and that’s what we have for a car right now so I couldn’t even go get it myself and c) the sale ended yesterday for it ( reg. price $689 CDN but was $300 off and it he loves his tools so this was perfect to spoil him)….that’s how you shop….get someone something they really want/need. Not buy the most discounted item in the damn flyer.
Exactly! I mean, if it all they can afford, then be gracious, but if other family members are getting great gifts..then the giver is just being an asshole.
I will say that my former in-laws gave everyone bad gifts across the board and they were terribly entertaining. I was mostly annoyed because she acted like the gift I spent around $200 was lame.
Should also add….before mom’s stroke they used to Snowbird it to Arizona after Xmas. Then they’d buy all kinds of crap on sale or from the local dollar stores for the next Xmas. So sorry that top is two sized too small…can’t return it, but we’ve met our social obligation towards you and your family.
Nothing says happy holidays better than that. hahaha
I don’t want to think too deeply or I’ll bust a gasket, but The Trench coat comes to mind.
One year, a few days before Christmas, I was up north interviewing for a job. My live-in boyfriend at the time got the bright idea to take all my dirty laundry to his best friend’s house to wash-working 7 days a week and no time for laundry mat meant I had the clothes on my back for clean. He actually wanted to smoke week and fuck, but I was clueless.
So, laundry on the heater vent meant fire to the house, so I was suddenly clothes less except for hideous maroon and navy business separates and a few things that were the usual last things in the closet. And we were very, very broke.
Mom got me a trench coat for Christmas.
OMG that is horrible. Damn..
The first Christmas with my husband’s family, we weren’t married yet, my to be MIL gave me the monthly calendar that is free from the Hallmark Store.
I put a lot of thought for gifts for everyone and his sister started trying to swap her gift from us with others right after opening up the gifts!
okay..people are so weird.
My mother in law put the ‘frug’ in frugal. She had no shame in recycling gifts even if she forgot it was a gift you had given her. There was never a shortage of tchochkes from her and she remembered them all, too. So you had to keep them around and put them out when she came to visit or she would be ‘hurt’. She was a sweet soul but, gift giving and receiving was a challenge with her.
b
My first mother in law was like that. Except she wasn’t sweet.
Mrs. Beasley. I was 5. I wanted a Red Wagon. I sat on Santa’s knee and everything. No go. I hated Mrs. Beasley yet she lived with me through my teen years, in my closet mind you.
I wanted a Mrs Beasley doll so bad!
Haaaaa!! She talked, too. Wish we had known each other. We could’ve done a secret trade.
Short story – not a horrible gift but kinda funny.
A few years ago, I read a Canadian fiction book called ‘Chokecherry’ by Norma Hawkins, and I thought it was so funny that I bought one for almost everyone I loved. That Christmas I gave it to my beloved Daughter in Law who obviously enjoys humor since she married my son.
Then, the next Christmas, don’tcha know, I gave it to her again! She opened it and said “Oh, thank you! I enjoyed this last year when you gave it to me, too!” Once I got over the initial shock of giving her the same thing two years in a row, we both burst out laughing and now it is a terrific joke between the two of us. (and also why I keep a yearly gift spreadsheet now!) 😀
Whoops, it’s a non-fiction book I mean.
HAHHAHA at least you guys can laugh about it!
That’s hilarious. I find the people who are most particular about letting you know when they’re disappointed in a gift often times give the worst gifts. Like you, I tend to appreciate the thought, but that’s impossible when you’re being a dick about what I just got you.
As for me, Mom almost always buys me clothes that are too small because she thinks I should be able to fit them. So I get the double gift of not being able to wear what I got and disappointment for not still being as thin as I used to be.
Fun! 😉
goddammit so much! I am sorry your mom does that to you. That’s some bullshit.
One year my granny bought me one of those “hoppity-hop” balls for Christmas. I was thirteen, and had been racing motorcycles for a year at the time…
Oh man…sometimes grandparents are so out of touch.
It was OK, I just gave it to a younger kid who lived up the hill from us.
Well then…that was the gift. You got to make a little kid happy. I mean unless he was a bratty kid, then the whole experience would be unsatisfying.
Mine was a recent one from my husband. He gave me a huge wrapped bottle of Tums. In the past I just stuffed my own stocking so the kids would think that Santa didn’t forget me as the kids got older and they knew there wasn’t a Santa, I gave up. He was trying, bless his heart, to put things I would use in the stocking. I tried to not have the ‘what the fuck’ look after I unwrapped it, but I failed. He has gotten better in the last few years, but has stuck to the ‘if I can buy it at the drug store, it can go in a stocking’ type gifts. I give the fuck up, were married 24 years; it’s not the hill I want to die on.
On a side note, I am a new reader to your blog Michelle and I must say a huge fan!!! You rock, keep the reality flowing.
Yay! I am so glad you are here!
I read this out loud to Randy and it made him laugh. He identifies with your husband. Bless his heart.
The Loser, my first ex, gave me two Christmas presents one year — a rowing machine and a vacuum. Neither was requested or wanted. Basically, he was telling me I was fat and a crappy housekeeper. A family member saw him the other day and told me that he has gained an incredible amount of weight — and he has to do all of his own housekeeping now, after three failed marriages (that I know of). Karma is a Bitch– and I like her
Yeah…stories like this are just satisfying.
What is it with the lack of honesty when it comes to gifts? My first husband and I were struggling in every way – our kids were young – our cars were ancient – and he had to “impress” everyone with my gift. An expensive rare coin wrapped in platinum on a gold chain. Are you fucking kidding me? I’m not sure how we’re keeping the lights on and this is what you bought me? And now I have to wear it whenever your family is around even though it’s long and heavy and I have toddlers trying to strangle me with the damn thing? My favorite part was the following year when I left his ass. Pawned that fugly coin necklace faster than you can say “thanks for the rent money loser”!
HAHAHAHAHAH..that is awesome. I had a similar experience with pawning jewelry. I didn’t get much, but that was fine.
Worst gift: a serving plate with a picture of a snowman in it. The plate still had little crusts of icing on it from when it had been used before.
HAHAHAHHAHA OMG that is awesome.
I received bad Xmas gifts from my uber-thrifty, N sister for all of my adult life until I finally cut ties with her (not over gifts). In my 20s, when I was single and lived alone and rarely cooked–much less baked–she would buy me kitchen stuff every year. One year bakeware, another year a blender (I already had one and she knew it), another year more bakeware. This continued even after I told her, “No more kitchen stuff, please.” I remained single long after she got married and had kids. So eventually I was buying for 5 and she was still buying for one. I was happy to buy gifts for my nieces and nephew, don’t get me wrong. But my heart would sink every year when I opened the same “thrifty” gift from her. One year, she gave me a weird cookbook. This was after I thought I’d finally broken her of the kitchen-stuff-for-gifts habit. She told me she had re-gifted it! She admitted she felt bad she didn’t have more (or nicer) gifts for me. But not bad enough to actually get me another gift. At least she was honest, I suppose–but even so, she has no clue how this made me feel, and how much it re-created our childhood holidays.
How bizarre. People are so weird.
I’m sure I’ve had lots of awful gifts but I can only remember two. When I was a child, I would order gifts for my aunt and grandmothers from a little catalog where things costs about $1. Fake copper measuring cups for grandma. I ordered a lipstick stand for my aunt. It was heavy, gnarled metal, I think it was supposed to look like molded lacey silver. It was ugly but I was a kid. Now when I and my siblings grew up, my aunt would give everyone a check and all the girls (me, long term girlfriends, sisters-in-law) would also receive a gift bag filled with things from the dollar store. Lots of junk. Sometimes something good. As the years went by, I learned to just toss the things I didn’t want into the trash that night. One Christmas my bag contained a discolored, heavy, gnarled piece of metal. It looked so familiar. My aunt said, “It’s a lipstick stand. It’s an antique!” Yes, it was the same piece of crap I had given her as a child, only it was about 30 years later. Amazing that she kept stuff that long. The second thing is my husband’s brother married for the second time one January. When the holidays were approaching, his family always wrote everyone’s name on a paper and put it in a container. Each of the five siblings would pull a name and purchase a gift for that person or couple. Everyone would make a list of two or three items they would like to receive in order to make it easier for the gifter. The only thing on our list that year was a cordless drill. Christmas came and the traditional gift exchange and opening happened. We were handed a heavy box, the right size and weight for a drill. Inside the box was a crystal bottle with a long neck and a crystal cup that could be used for drinking whatever was inside the bottle or put on top of the bottle as a sort of lid. I think they are used mostly for water. All I could think of was “Where’s my drill.” It was clearly a case of them regifting a wedding present. How far away from a drill was a crystal water bottle? I held onto a resentment for years. I eventually divorced that husband and that brother-in-law is the only member of that family who still speaks to me.
OMG those are great. And yeah..can’t do much DIY shit around your house with a crystal bottle. hahaha