I’ve had a slow realization of internal changes that have been taking place for a few months now.
I’ve written about being the adult child of a narcissist and that shit wasn’t easy. I re-read every post and every single one of them was honest. But really? Still pretty motherfucking superficial. I talked about a lot of personal shit, but I still keep the core wrapped in bubble wrap with a moat of sharks with frickin laser beams protecting it.
Regardless, the stories made a difference. I examined my childhood and examined my past. I grieved what might have been and accepted why my life has taken this direction. At least, I think I grieved. My cut rate therapist told me I needed to grieve. She did not take me seriously when I said I needed detailed instructions on how to grieve.
Writing about being raised by a narcissist didn’t fix me immediately, but what I’m finding is writing did fix me later on. ‘Fix’ might be a strong word. Maybe ‘fixed a little’ would be better.
I accept my childhood. I feel a level of protectiveness over the me as a child that rivals the protectiveness I feel about my children. That’s hard for me to write because the words sound overwrought and contrived, but it’s true. I do feel strongly about that child. I know I can’t fix anything for her because she is long long gone, but I still want to wrap my arms around her.
Writing about narcissism and my childhood has been cathartic. I feel like a haze has lifted from my eyes and things are more in focus. Too bad the haze lift didn’t happen before my eyesight started to fail, but better late than never.
What I haven’t done, hardly at all, is examine who I’ve been for the past 25 years.
A few days ago, I wrote about moving to Kansas City, Missouri when Randy and I first moved in together. I talked a little bit about the guilt I felt when Zach and I moved away. I said I could write a book about the guilt, but I won’t really do that. It is worth a post, though. I know that my decision making skills were not only bad, they sometimes bordered on toxic.
A thought occurred to me tonight. I’ve always viewed that change in my life as the result of a good decision or a bad decision. On the one hand, moving away was impulsive and amazing that it didn’t end in another failed relationship. On the other hand, I have my step daughters and my grandchildren. I have my baby boy, for fuck’s sake. How could the decision be anything but good?
What I decided is the what I chose is neither good or bad.
It just is.
This is my life now. The decisions I made decades ago have long been dust. Those choices don’t matter. This is my life. My life is valid right now, good or bad is meaningless and I would be a much happier person if I could let that go.
I believe that writing these narcissism posts have done more for my mental health than all the therapy I’ve had for the past 25 years. The support I’ve received is amazing and I thank so many of you for that support.
I don’t know that writing has changed my anxiety levels. Depression makes its’ rounds on an erratic schedule, but I don’t feel the shame that I used to feel. I don’t feel like making excuses for myself. I am less mortified when I say or do something that is awkward. I laugh easier. I forgive easier. I trust my voice a fuck ton more.
How about you, my sisters and brothers in blogging, how has blogging fixed your heads? Or if you don’t blog, does reading blogs make a difference?
Sometimes, my writing is painful, and sometimes it’s cathartic. I wrote some horribly brutal posts about my childhood abuse that probably made for great reading, but I remember being up until 3 in the morning writing it and then falling into a terrible spiral of hurt and memories I’d rather didn’t exist. And those are the lonely hours, when there is no one there to comfort you. Strangely enough, the time difference just happened to work in my favour, and a sweetheart down under just happened to read my post and contact me to give me a bit of comfort.
I, like you, often look at my life and wonder how much I can blame on my childhood, and how much is on me — at what point do I have to stop blaming my father and take responsibility for my own life?
I had those moments as well. Painful..but after time passes, it seems to have helped.
Yeah, taking responsibility for myself is huge. Blaming my dad doesn’t gain me anything. I’ve even felt less animosity toward him. I don’t really like being around him, but I don’t feel as angry anymore.
I like that you want to protect little you. That’s a nice, warm feeling.
Blogging helps untangle stuff sometimes, for sure.
It really is. It feels good to think of me as a child with acceptance instead of just wanting her to disappear.
My therapist said, “You have to be your own best mother.” It sounds like you’ve been able to do that but man, it’s hard. Right now I have a baby and extending to her the love that I should have received it so easy that thinking of how I didn’t receive it is heartbreaking. I also asked my therapist exactly how to grieve and she just smiled and shrugged. What is it with that? I’m Type A, I need a plan and a flow chart!
Your narcissism posts have helped me a lot. Also, the past 25 years you’ve been taking care of yourself and giving yourself that childhood—that ability to explore and figure out who you are. Sometimes I resent that I didn’t arrive onto the scene of adulthood ready to take on the world—confident, well-adjusted, mature and and healthy. Sometimes I resent spending the past 10 years just ALLOWING myself freedom to write and think and be. Some days it seems like what a waste. I could be a CEO by now. Or a famous author. I guess accepting that *I* couldn’t—that for some reason I was given this burden to deal with is step #1. And yes, writing helps immensely.
I hope what I’ve written above makes sense?
Sister, it makes all the sense in the world.
I still don’t know about the grieving thing. I don’t know how to trigger it and how to feel it. I believe that I have..but I know I’ve bottled up a lot of it as well.
This is great Michelle. I don’t blog as much as I’d like to and we all know that. But when I do, it helps a lot. I LOVE reading other peoples’ blogs though. It makes you know you’re not alone in the craziness. You get to be there for people you don’t know, yet you really care about those people. It’s like one big group therapy session!
I couldn’t have said it better myself..and yes..you really REALLY do grow to care about the people you connect with..even if you don’t ‘know’ them..you still know them.
Blogging, *especially humor*, laughing with the very few people who “get” me, definitely helps. (Even if I scare the living crap outta some of them. Which I know I do.) But really, we all have our demons and shit. It takes an exceptionally strong person to come out with a sense of humor (like you have, Michelle, and like I have, IMHO). Exceptionally strong. Carry on wit jo bad-ass self. I love your tweets. Bright spot in my day, every fucking time.
YAY! That made me smile! Thank you so much!
I actually haven’t started unwrapping things in my blog yet. I’ve started percolating, or incubating, a couple of things. I’m not sure I could put a clear label on my father’s behavior (other than “weird”) but a LOT of his issues came from having developed Parkinson’s disease at 32. My mother told me that, in fact, he was always a little weird, but I think he got weirder. Because of the Parkinson’s and my (undiagnosed) ADD, I spent more time worrying about strange things than the average child should. I remember asking my mother when I was about 9 if she didn’t wish we had as much money as the Marriotts (long story, but I went to school with JW’s granddaughters) because then we wouldn’t have to have a mortgage. My mom just laughed and said probably even the Marriotts have a mortgage, because it’s a tax break. But I was 9 and worried about our ability to pay the mortgage? WTF? All of this will come out at some point, but I have to sort through it in order to do it, and you know, that’s exhausting sometimes.
It’s extremely exhausting! And just do what you can…that’s what I’ve been doing..just what I can.
I think writing has the ability to transform us all slowly and surely….and I’ve been writing much longer than I’ve been blogging. I actually write out three “morning pages” as suggested by Julia Cameron in her book “The Artist’s Way” for about 30 years now. Yikes! That definitely ages me but I keep doing it because it has been my meditation, my muse AND my therapy all these years. The take away message from all this? Keep writing!
What a wonderful idea! And thank you so much!
Well, I get the bubble wrap..,i’m ensconced in it. My writing pisses people off (my ex, my extended family) so I’m cautious. No doubt blogging heals. Was it your father or mother who is a Narc? I found you only recently so I will read some of those posts & catch up! I’ve much experience with ‘N’ personalities as well. Great post, Michelle and I love the question you ask.
Thank you. It’s my father. I didn’t even know what narcissistic personality disorder was until about a year ago (maybe a little longer) and it was so very illuminating and troubling and I spent so much time getting my head around it…so many questions where answered..but they were hard answers. I also had to own up to my own behavior and decide to change it..which has also been difficult..but what I am finding, is it’s all been worth it. So very worth it.
Thank you! And I’m glad you found me!
I think writing about it would probably help me enormously. I did start to, but my narc ex found my blog and the fallout from that was fairly unpleasant to say the least. I will start one again at some point when I’m done with all the legal issues and finally rid of him from my life.
Reading about it definitely helps. I had no idea what was happening, no understanding of the scale of what had happened to me, or that so many other people out there were dealing with the same thing.
It doesn’t fix it but it certainly makes the horror of looking into the abyss make more sense when it happens, which does help a little.
Yes, accepting that ‘it just is’ has been very hard, however that is the truth. Nothing any of us can do will change the past, or even the present.
We are where we are and who we are now and that is all there is. All we can do is try to be the best people we can be and survive as long as we can, on this spinning rock in an infinite universe.
I do struggle with ‘What is the point?’ though.
I can’t WAIT until that chapter closes for you, sister..I really can’t. And you are right..all that matters is right now and who we are. Self acceptance and tolerance and forgiveness mean so much.
I don’t blog. No one wants to read the thoughts that are floating around in this head… 😛 But I stumbled across your blog because of the Narcissist theme and happily started following you, because you make me smile.
Reading blogs has most definitely helped me clear the fog. Knowing that others have similar feelings, reactions, etc. to sadly similar childhoods let me know that I wasn’t “completely” a nut bag. Sharing comments has helped me get some of the crap out – as well as heard more stories and made more cyber “friends.”
I am so glad that you’re learning to trust your voice more. That is wonderful!!! I should go back and look at some of my previous comments on here and see if I can tell a difference in tone? My husband tells me that I occasionally show delightful bits of confidence – isn’t that amazing!? I’ve been in therapy for about a year now, so thankfully I’m getting somewhere. 😀
I would tell you “how” to grieve if I could put it in words. If I knew what I did. I know that I’m not done with it – might never be? It may come – it may be that your writing is part of your process – it may be just something that shows up (probably when you least want it to!) triggered by some tidbit of memory. For example: I have seen “Good Will Hunting” a bunch of times. But the last time we watched it a few months ago I LOST IT when Robin Williams kept repeating, “It’s not your fault.” And now that Robin Williams is gone – it will probably be even harder to watch.
I’ve been trying to poke at sore spots (you know – like when you have a canker sore you just keep poking it with your tongue even though it hurts?). I’m planning to watch some movies that will purposely provoke me. Ones about narcissistic parents. Maybe “Mommie Dearest”… Just to see what flares up. (God – I hope that’s not a bad idea!)
It’s funny..the things that trigger us..I know I find myself in tears sometimes and have no idea why. Tracey Ullman for instance..remember that video They Don’t Know About Love? I can’t watch that video without bursting into tears and for the life of me, I don’t know why..it’s the part where she’s dancing with the shopping cart and looks worn down. I guess that might be it..because I feel worn down a lot…but I don’t know for sure.
I really like seeing someone else write about a troubled childhood and depression without shame. I wrote about my depression for the first time a couple of weeks ago and I still feel freaked out about it (people I know from real life read it). I still can’t bring myself to talk about my childhood much, partially because the culprits are still living and stalking my social media and partially because I am new to blogging, have little to no audience and feel like nobody wants to hear the whining of this new blogger on the block. Whatever. I am what I am, and I appreciate what you do because it is brave and feels good to know somebody out there feels the way I do. I just need to figure out how to untangle my own self-worth from my blog and stop feeling like no readers means nobody cares about me in real life. What a strange culture we’ve created with social media, my self-esteem lives or dies over how many “likes” I’m getting, which is definitely not the example I want to set for my own daughter.
I think a lot of us have the same fears and insecurities and pain and it’s good to connect.
That being said..be kind to yourself about attaching your self worth to your number of readers and your ‘likes’. I get EXACTLY what you are saying,trust me…but here’s the thing..don’t feel bad about it. You are doing the best that you can..if you can find a way to extract yourself from feeling that way, and I believe it is something we should work toward..but until that happens, don’t beat yourself up about it. You are who you are..and you feel how you feel. And all bloggers were the new blogger on the block at one time. 🙂
Blogging would help even if I had NO followers but the comments and commiseration feels pretty amazing. I toy with the idea of bringing more of my personal tales to the forefront but it’s definitely a struggle. Your posts made me wonder about the narcissistic-parent thing and this is a small part of a post in progress – I think it’s leaning more towards “I was raised by a narcissistic racist” or something of that nature. The big struggle is not making it into a hate piece as there is LOTS of bitterness in relation to much of what lead to that particular blog post.
Getting stuff out there definitely does help. Sometimes I am really proud of the pieces I write; sometimes it’s just nice to comically thump somebody who annoys the FUCK out of me. 😉
I get what you are saying. I know some of the things I’ve written is bitter…but I try very hard to not be a bitter person..it’s hard..but I think it’s worth it to keep trying.
I haven’t written about the heavy personal stuff because I chose to have a very public blog, tied to my very public Twitter account, etc. So…mainly I rant about shit that makes me mental, and – of course – about all thing sweaty, in my quest for better health/happiness.
That said, I love reading other blogs that do get into meaty topics like depression, anxiety, etc., because I learn so much from (and often identify so much with) those bloggers’ words.
Thank you for continuing to share your stories. Your words matter.
Thank you so much Nancy! I appreciate this very much.
Writing has had an enormous therapeutic value for me. Just having the ability to take things stuck in my head and write them out is valuable in itself. When I get feedback on what I write, support, that makes it that much better.
It really does! And the feedback is tremendous.
Honestly, I feel I’m more “me” on my blog and my FB blog page than I am in real life. Why? No clue. Maybe because that’s my very own little corner of the world and I don’t have to share it with anyone.
I can do what I want.
Reading other blogs has TOTALLY opened my eyes up to seeing I’m not alone. Sometimes I feel like the biggest failure and can’t do anything right and it must be me because surely no one else jacks shit up like I do.
Then I read a blog. Of someone I’ve come to know. And they see things like I do. They do things like I do. They make me see I’m not so bad after all.
For some odd reason though, I am finding I like “me” better since I started blogging than I did before.
Does that even make sense?!?
It makes all kinds of sense. I am not ALL me on FB because there is too much real life overlap..on twitter, though? I’m more me there than anywhere. I love twitter.
I think any time we get confirmation that we are not alone is comforting..like a fuzzy blanket comforting.
I swear I could have written this post myself. 2 failed marriages, numerous relocations, neverending guilt about having to relocate my son (or, God help me let him live with my parents and asshole, narcissistic, alcoholic dad) while I get my own shit together.
I’ve owned my car for 5 years and so far it’s been registered in 4 states. I’m always searching for that perfect place to be, the place where I’m comfortable, and I just never find it. So I seek my solace now in getting actual treatment for the depression, which also tends to lean in the direction of futility, but it’s something.
I gave up on relationships because I’ve decided I’m just too fucked up to be tied to anyone and until I get at least a little bit unfucked, single is the best way for me to be. I’ve become comfortable with it because now I relish my solitude. I’d rather be alone because I’m the only person that can put up with my bullshit, and I don’t even put up with it very well.
My therapist calls it “isolating”.
I call it “Thank God there’s nobody here to fucking judge me.”
You are most definitely NOT alone and I am SO glad I found you and your blog!
I’m glad you did too! I mean, I’m not a therapist, but how is it a bad thing to understand that you are NOT in a position to be in a relationship? That seems reasonable to me.
Try to not beat yourself up on the past..most of us have made some really fucked up decisions at some point..all that matters is what we do from this moment on.
Peace, my friend!
I have said, way more than once, that blogging saved my life and I will continue to say it. It was incredibly healing on so many levels (and that sounds so trite and cliché but it’s true). That and practicing acceptance (and my definition of “acceptance” has changed a bit since I first tried it on about 10 years ago).
I am right there with you. Mine changes almost daily…but that’s okay..and this is where I give myself permission to keep growing and accepting myself. It’s lovely.
Now..I just have to be patient and not expect for everything to be okay all time. 🙂
I had a good childhood…not perfect by any means, but good. I live with someone with depression, and I have my own level of anxiety that’s just the way I’m built. I’ve been to therapy, mostly in conjunction with the hubs…I’ve also been asked by my good friend (who used to be his therapist) to speak to families of folks dealing with depressed and/or addicted loved ones. Apparently, I handle it “well.” Sometimes it feels like Tina brings me in as some kind of soothing service animal. 🙂 It’s all like “See…it gets better…here’s someone 3 years out from a situation similar to yours. She lived, you’ll live.”
At any rate, what I was getting at, is I have talked to people with some pretty fucked up pasts. I really do like when Tina asks me to come speak to a group of family members…but after all of this time, I have seen some doozies of disfunctional folks.
So much so that I have actually gone to both of my parents and thanked them for setting me out in the world without any heavy duty baggage. Like I said, it wasn’t perfect…but it was happy and it was “normal.” I had no idea how rare that actually was.
It’s so awesome that you can help people! How rewarding!
And yes..it is odd..I rarely hear people saying they had a happy childhood
I LOVE the image of you hugging your childhood self, so sweet. Kind of like one of those Russian nesting dolls but not physically, the smaller you fits inside metaphorically, always protecting, and also remembering, and probably a little different because of the childhood you.
Blogging and writing has helped me in so many ways. The posts that have been the most refreshing for me are the ones I haven’t posted yet. They are finished in a “Publish” to the public sense, but getting out all my feelings about a subject, even in a draft that no one else sees, makes me feel like I can let that bit go, and not worry about it anymore. At least for awhile.
I can see where actually posting these things would be totally freeing. The blogs I like the best are ones that talk about real life, in a real way. Anyone can do a highlight reel of “Oh, aren’t we just so perfect” posts. Barf. That’s not what my life is like at all, and probably never will be, so I can’t relate to those. Plus, you’re hilarious so regardless of what you’re talking about I know I’ll have a good laugh.
It’s hard for me to post about my childhood because my mother is still alive, every once in awhile she will read my posts, and she is out of her damn mind so she would probably argue with anything real about my childhood. She’s Queen of DeNial and I don’t mean the river. I don’t have the strength to argue with her. Once she kicks it 🙂 I can publish more feels about my crazy childhood, but for now just getting them down is good enough.
You are so sweet…Thank you so much, you have no idea how much I appreciate this. I know I say that over and over, but I have so much gratitude for the people who read my blog and take their time to comment..it’s wonderful.
I never write about my mother…she’s a sweetheart…and my dad? Well..I wouldn’t care if he did read it, but he’s brain damaged and would forget if he did. I know if my mother read my blog she would be VERY sad and feel terrible…but I am fortunate that my mother is a Luddite and never uses a computer, so I am safe!!
Yeah, I don’t want to read the ‘look how perfect everything is’ posts..I can’t relate at all.
I find writing on my blog very cathartic -sometimes it just helps me put things into perspective. I love reading blogs because invariably there is something in a post that either makes me smile or makes me realise that I’m not alone in what I am going through in my life.
I love my friends who live in my computer because they remind me that, no matter what, I’m not alone and there are others around who care.
As I was reading your post about good or bad decisions, I was thinking “Maybe they are just decisions” and then I read “It just is” and I did a little fist pump and said “Yes, she’s got it !!!!!”
Sending heaps of hugs your way.
Me xox
This made me tear up a little! I adore you!
Thank you so much sweetness..and yes..I find the same to be true..reaching out for understanding and connections..that is what the blogging world is to me.
For me, blogging has helped me express myself to a more accepting, understanding and compassionate audience than I usually have access to. It helps to be able to pour my heart out and not have people say, “Stop dragging us down with your whining!” I mean, they may be THINKING that, but they at least don’t post it!
As for decisions, some of the WORST decisions I ever made resulted in some of the BEST things that ever happened to me later on. Maybe things would have been even better if I’d made different choices, but they wouldn’t be what I have now, which is a fairly close relationship with my family and two beautiful dogs who light up my life. Not much, but it is mine!
We all want to be heard and understood, don’t we? And I don’t think your life sounds like ‘not much’ I think it sounds wonderful. 🙂
What a beautiful post! I love when bloggers are brave enough to slog through the bullshit. When a writer is sincere, it is a gift and often a healing one. I think blogs can be awesome tools to use for self-growth, especially when (I’m like you in this regard) you find as an adult that you actually have to go back in time and re-parent that little kid you were. It’s all about connection. If we aren’t connecting in a real way with other people, what’s the point?
Although I don’t get very personal on my own blog since it is basically an advice column, I do find it liberating to be able to just be me, with no mom or wife filter to get in the way.
It’s fun to get silly letters and write back, but I especially love the ones from people who really want an honest opinion from someone about whatever it is they are going through. I try to be as blunt as I can truly from a place of love. But also, like any big sister giving advice, I get to be a little sassy, too, and hopefully make the person think and laugh or smile, too.
I blog because I want to bring joy to people, but I also want them to feel like they are worthy of a thoughtful response. I blog because it makes me feel like I am giving something back and because, if I’m honest, I think I’m hilarious!
I swear I love you more with every post you write, Michelle!
I wish you could see the great big sappy smile on my face right now. Thank you so much!!!
I haven’t had the courage to share some of my childhood (or personal, painful) stories on my blog – even though it’s anonymous. But I do find that writing – whether published or not, does help. And reading other blogs helps me to realize that I’m not so alone in the world. That there are other people who have stories similar to mine – and yet, they have survived. And that gives me hope.
There are things I won’t share…I don’t think it’s because I’m afraid to, it’s because I don’t WANT to…at least that is what I tell myself.
I think you’re right, the act of writing it down is helpful. And yes..we are not alone and I truly believe there is always hope.
“I spent all of that time, effort and money just to figure out that families just are; that there’s no particular way they’re all supposed to be”. -My sister, explaining to me what she got out of five years of therapy and why she didn’t need to go any more. And now, 20 years later, she seems to be booming. Or at least last Sunday she did: that earthquake hit way too close to her house for her little brother’s comfort or peace of mind. I’m lucky to have her for a sister, she’s really smart. And I’m lucky I found your blog in the Bloggess’ comment section about this time last year. You and your blog have made a difficult year a little easier to deal with, so thank you. Also, if you’re looking for sanity, don’t forget the music.
This means more to me more than I can tell you. It makes me feel like there is a purpose and a reason for my past and if someone gets comfort from feeling less alone, then I feel less bad having had to live it.
I agree that writing is a great way to work out past issues. I’ve certainly found that to be true when it comes to my late father. It’s easy to write about him now that he’s not here – I’m not afraid of upsetting him or embarrassing him. (He’d probably be shocked by some of the things I’ve written).
I find that writing is the one thing that is sure to take away my anxiety – if only while I’m in the process of writing. That and a really good book.
Yes! I really had no idea it would have the effect that it does and much of it has been delayed! And a good book has been a life saver for me since I’ve been able to read. 🙂
Both writing on my blog and reading others has been HUGE for me, anxiety wise. Reading that others are going through the same thing is so helpful. My father was and is a total ass, but I haven’t found the guts to write about it yet. Baby steps.
You know…we do what we can..I had no idea I was ever going to write about my father. I didn’t understand what narcissistic personality disorder was until a little over a year ago and a massive light bulb went off..that’s when it started. And I couldn’t agree more…writing has been a great way to calm the anxiety.
My writing is definitely the most therapeutic thing I have ever done. The honest, hard to put on paper, hard to admit it actually happened or that I actually felt that way kind of writing.
I love hearing from people that have felt the same way.
It IS hard to do sometimes, isn’t it? But when I’m done, I almost always feel better. I’ve definitely had a few moment of ‘I shouldn’t have said that’ but those moments pass and so far, I regret nothing.
As a humor blogger I wouldn’t initially say that my blogging has really done much for my head space other than give me a place to be silly and funny and let off some steam. But as a child of two narcissists, who spent much of my childhood and some of my adulthood NOT laughing at my jokes or even trying to understand my real talents, I would say that in that way the blog is like the parent/friend I never had back then.
I can see that! And that is true for me as well. It gives me a place to feel appreciated which is something I sorely lacked in my formative years.
ahmigash–I’m back! I LOVE this, and yes, I agree: writing about my past has made me feel better about it, even though I quit being pissed about it a long time ago. It seems more…I’m lacking words…what is something that can’t hurt you any more?– detached?
I love your writing, about your past, your present, and whatever else, but especially this. Huge, resounding YES that writing helps.
p.s. eventually I will get back inside, (just sent oldest to college and have had crazy busy- and lazy-ness here for a month), but then OMG I have SO much writing and reading to catch up on!!!
muah!
I’ve missed you terribly! And thank you! I can’t wait to catch up with your posts..no pressure…but I need a Stef fix.
I know right! Heading out to buy school supplies now. Like, right now. She’s waiting IN THE CAR OMG WHY ARE YOU AT YOUR DESK?
Can’t wait to catch up.
Hahaha…well, I’ve waited this long…have fun shopping!
Just a curious question…is narcissism a mental illness? Did your dad like, have it in his genes or is it something he actively cultivated? Before I started reading you, I really haven’t had much info on it…just makes me wonder. Sorry you had to grow up with that shit. No matter how flawed my folks were…I at least knew they loved me and would you know, take a bullet for me, no questions asked
It is a mental illness and I am not an expert, but I think most narcissists are made, either through extreme neglect (which was my father’s case) or they are idolized. My father’s mental illness went beyond narcissism, he was a diagnosed psychopath and had electric shock therapy in the 60s when I was very young. I think my father probably would have protected me from harm in many cases, especially if other people were around to see what a badass he was or if it gave the illusion that he was a loving father.
Michelle, you are a hundred, million times correct — in so many areas of life, things are not inherently good or bad — they just are. I’m slowly learning this lesson myself. We learn “rules” and “right and wrong” as a child — from adults who we believe are all-knowing and infallible. We learn fear and guilt — and it stays with us throughout our life, unless we make a conscious choice to change our thinking and beliefs. And it’s hard — SO hard!
I’m learning to live more in the moment — less rehashing of the past, less rehearsing for the future — just the here and now — and appreciating what is, but realizing it JUST is — and attempting not to judge everything that happens and everyone I encounter (including myself). I think it’s helping — I feel less stressed, less anxious, more content.
It’s hard to let some ideas go and it’s not always a smooth process..but it seems to be working the more I practice.
My sister says I write like my life depends on it. And in some ways it does. Blogging helps me solidify my thoughts, putting them down makes them real and the support I get from my readers is very uplifting.
Blogging for me is a way to come out of the closet of Depression. And I like living out of the closet way better. As Ash Beckham says “we all have our closets, and closets aren’t a place for anyone to live.”
So for me, Blogging is leaving the closet door open at the very least, and mostly living outside of it.
That is a fantastic quote!
I’m an adult child of narcissistic parents and my story could be your story except that I’m a dancer who draws/paints everyday. I don’t say any of that out loud vety often much less write on a very public blog but there you go. Thank you for your writing. My cousin recommended your blog and I’m so glad she did. Srsly. Fucking thank you.
You’re welcome! I’m glad you are here.
I’m sorry you lived that life..it’s terrible..but we don’t get to pick, do we? All we can do is decide how we’re going to live from this moment on out. Not that it’s easy..but understanding what was done to us definitely helps. I wish you peace.