HAHAHAHAFUCKINGHAHAHAHA

Yeah, that’s not what we’re doing.

But goddamn, we are talking a really good game right now.

Randy and I have decided to finally take care of issues we have with this house we bought. Nearly 4 years ago.

First, we replaced the water heater.

After finding roof damage, we just got a new roof which was covered under our homeowner’s insurance.

Next week, our sagging driveway gets propped up.

We want to update our kitchen and repaint the dining room. Also, optimize the pantry space. And kitchen.

via GIPHY

Our kitchen is dinky. Two people can work together in there. But not without some hurt feelings and general bickering. Seriously, how does he manage to step right in my way every fucking time?

Our changes won’t really make that better since I can’t make the room bigger. However, we can better utilize our space and make everything more accessible, which really, will eliminate at least 36% of our frustration.

36% was calculated by using the super scientific method of making up a percentage that has no meaning whatsoever. It also may be 37%.

Anyway, we’ve been having a lot of fun looking at shelving and mentally rearranging everything.

In my mind?

• I have repainted the kitchen cabinets and the entire dining room.
• We’ve shopped for dishes, curtains and oddly shaped light bulbs.
• We’ve shopped for rugs, back splashes, and bar stools.

Then, I had to bring us back to reality.

All these jobs can’t start without a little prep work.

By a little, I mean, we have a lot of prep work to do.

For instance, we can’t organize the pantry until we actually clean out the pantry.

I squared my shoulders, adjusted my pajama pants, and started pulling stuff out of the pantry.

Okay, stay with me, I’m going to veer off a little.

Around Thanksgiving, I did something to my baby toe on my right foot. No idea what. But it hurt like a motherfucker. I finally went to the doctor in December about my sad, swollen, purple toe. They sent me for an X-ray. Turns out it was not broken. They said to call if it didn’t get better.

Well, it has not gotten better and I just got around to making another appointment last week. I see the doctor on Tuesday. I have one pair of boots that I can wear that don’t hurt my toe. I’m glad it’s cold out.

So anyway, I started clearing out the pantry and I stepped on a shard of glass that punctured the left ball of my foot.

I had to take a break to try to get the bleeding to stop. Super happy it was my left foot because at least now both of my feet hurt. Once I got back to cleaning, I found that there was no more broken glass. I found the one piece in there. With my foot.

I guess sorting out the pantry isn’t a huge step in all the improvements we want to do. But it’s a start. We aren’t on a deadline.

We just have to keep moving forward. Hopefully with less bloodletting.

So, when I say we’re kicking ass, it’s possible that I’m the one getting my ass kicked.

Still taking a few names though.

The pantry looks amazing.

Edited to add: Today is Betty White’s 100th birthday!! If you are able, please consider making a small donation to an animal rescue in her honor. Or you could donate to the rescue where we got our kitties, Alfie and Gertie.  

That’s what I’m going to do to 2022.

Please note, I said “to” 2022, not “in” 2022. If I had said that I was going to spank it like it’s ham salad IN 2022, then this would be a very different blog post that I would never write. 

I know it makes no sense, but how the fuck long has it been since anything made sense?

Monday, Randy and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. It’s also the day I will finally get my test back to see if I’m positive for COVID.

I’ve been sick since just after Christmas. I was never afraid, but I did feel like I got hit by a truck.

As of this moment, I don’t know if it was flu or COVID. Realistically, it’s probably omicron. I am super glad I never had any breathing issues. The gastric stuff and the headaches were brutal, though. I had chills for days, but barely any fever. All in all, it sucked but I never feared for my life.

The taste thing though.

What the fucking fuck?

I didn’t lose my taste. My taste just changed.

For days, everything tasted like I had just puked up bile. Or like garbage. Sometimes both!

Toothpaste made it way worse. The inside of my mouth tastes like battery acid, then I brush my teeth and it tastes like concentrated battery acid and it burned. So, that was fun.

I had chicken soup that tasted like it had been boiled in my stomach and a bagel with strawberry cream cheese that tasted of sewage.

I lost a few pounds. So, you know, silver lining and all.

I talked with my mountain friend, Lizzie on New Year’s eve. She told me that I needed to dance on New Year’s day. Even if I was sick, I had to take a moment to dance because she said what I do on New Year’s day, is what I will do all year and she sees me dancing.

If that’s true? Then, I’m eating weird stuff for breakfast in 2022.

Also, I tried you guys. I thought I was doing everything right. I thought I would outrun COVID.

But we fucked up.

We had a gathering at Christmas. Everyone was vaxxed. We thought it would be okay.

Turns out, not so much.

On Christmas eve, my stomach hurt pretty bad. I had no other symptoms and it’s not out of the ordinary for me to have stomach issues.

But still, we didn’t want to take any chances. We had a rapid test available, so I took it. Negative. Probably something I ate.

My parents have symptoms now, but thank the stars and baby Jesus, their symptoms are super mild.

My parents getting sick has been my biggest fear since all this started and now it’s likely that I’m the one that passed this to them. Merry fucking Christmas.

As it turns out, the at home tests aren’t super reliable when it comes to omicron.

I guess this could be the flu. Either way, I learned my lesson.

Now is not the time to let our guards down.

Please continue wearing a mask. Please, for all that is holy, get your shot and your booster. The next few months are going to be goddamn grim.

And Betty White? Really?

I will not blame 2021 for taking her. I refuse. Betty White is a brilliant light. I will honor her by finding joy, not by adding to bitterness. Perhaps she is leading us out of 2021 into what comes next.

I have no doubt it will be difficult.

But I’m still spanking 2022 like it’s ham salad.

Because if we’ve learned anything, we’ve learned, you just have to take charge in these trying times. Also, we have so much left over ham from New Year’s. So much.

Edited to add: I want to offer up a sincere apology to my fellow humans and the universe for potentially spreading this virus. I truly thought we were okay, but looking back, I should have known if I had any symptoms then we should have stayed home. This virus is no joke. I had a few days where I was disoriented all day long. It was like being super high or drunk, pick your poison, but with zero euphoria. That is a giant ball of painful suck, my friends. I am so grateful for the vaccine and the booster. I can’t imagine how bad this could have been. I understand that the bitter toothpaste can’t be put back in the tube and that it’s likely that most of us will get infected, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do everything we can to stop the spread. I should have done better. I will do better going forward. 

Edited again: I got my results. No COVID. So, this was the flu. I feel like I got a second chance to improve my habits. 

I’d sell the shit out of that. Who doesn’t need more time?

Speaking of time, it’s been a while. Sorry about that.

This is the last day of vacation.

When you read this, I will be back in cubicle. It doesn’t feel like I’ve had nine days off. Not even a little bit.

We spent the early part of last week with our mountain friends and that blew by in about five minutes. Pretty much just been recovering since we got home.

No matter how much time I take off, it never feels like enough.

Instead of focusing on the death of my PTO time, I want to tell you guys about something that happened.

It turns out that Randy has his very own tooth fairy. He didn’t even have to give up any teeth! And he didn’t get a quarter. And there was nothing under his pillow, so probably not anything like the tooth fairy.

Anyway, Randy and I both follow someone on Twitter named Jeffrey Brower.

The week before our vacation started, Randy responded to a picture of a list Jeffrey had posted. He said if anyone could tell what that list would become, he would buy them a guitar.

Randy says it looked like he was putting together a couple of custom guitars for The Brower Sisters band.

So, Jeffrey asked him what kind of guitar he wanted.

Randy said either a black Fender Telecaster with an “Ignore Alien Orders” sticker on it or an Epiphone Wildkat.

You guys, Randy had a new black Telecaster that same day.

He was just playing along, he didn’t think Jeffrey was serious about actually buying him a guitar. But what Randy found out, Jeffrey said he just really loves buying people guitars.

Joey picked the guitar up from a local music shop and brought it home. Randy held that guitar and was speechless. He was excited, you guys.

I don’t care too much about guitars, but I care about this one.

I have a hard time feeling big feelings when something exciting happens to me, but I very much can feel big feelings for someone else.

So, I guess I got a visit from the grown up tooth fairy as well. Getting to feel that jumping up and down excitement is like Christmas and birthdays and the 4th of July all rolled up in one. Without the fireworks. Also, no flying reindeer.

I wish I could slow time down just a little bit.

I really don’t want to go back to my cubicle. I’m not ready. But I do not wield that kind of power. So, I’ll just be glad that we got some time with friends and that Randy has a new guitar.