I don’t mean I need to be defended because I’ve done wrong or been wronged.

I’m talking about me defending me.

I ran across an article I wrote that was published on Midlife Boulevard nearly 10 years ago. I was inspired when I read it.

The article talks about going beyond self-acceptance and moving into self defense.

I remember very clearly what I was going through at the time. I have taken thyroid medicine for going on 40 years now because I had thyroid cancer when I was 23 and had the gland removed. After being on the same dose for many many years and missing getting my blood tested to check my levels, I ended being poisoned by my medicine. My levels had reached toxic levels. It came to a head when I passed out one evening and started vomiting.

At first my doctor was concerned I had a transient stroke, but bloodwork showed the issue was with my medicine. One of the side effects, that had been going on for months, was extreme anxiety. My doctor was surprised that I hadn’t lost a lot of weight. I didn’t gain either, but I was buying king sized Butterfingers on the regular because they calmed buzzing in my brain. For a few minutes. And then made me feel worse. Haha. Anyway, it was a dark time. I am proud that I wrote the article when I was feeling so bad.

Even so, I read what I wrote and at first I was sad.

Why? Why did you write this and then let it go? Why didn’t you follow your own advice? That was almost 10 years ago. Look how much time you wasted not defending yourself. 

So I read it again.

We can’t just settle for self-acceptance. We must defend ourselves.

We have to jump in with both feet and release our inner momma bear that comes out when something or someone threatens a person we love. We have to release that inner momma bear for our own damn selves. Especially, during those times when we are our own biggest threat.

How can we become who we are supposed to be if we aren’t dedicated to defending ourselves?

So I am trying to do that.

No one is better at defending loved ones than I am. The concept of defending myself wasn’t one I had even considered and it is so simple, really.

We must accept ourselves. Self acceptance is important. We won’t defend something we don’t accept.

When we defend ourselves, then we are safe. We carry our protector with us.

I will always take care of me. I will defend myself.

I do take care of myself. But I have fallen short of defending myself.

What happened over the past ten years? It fucking happened. It is gone. All we have is now and right now, I am defending myself over beating myself up. Because I am worth it. I matter.

So do you.

And sometimes the bear gets you.

Before we go any further, there are spoilers in this post.

If you are watching the series The Bear (or are planning to watch The Bear) and you haven’t seen the Ice Chips episode, then please read no further. Unless you don’t mind spoilers, then come on in. Also, is it appropriate to put the episode names in italics?

I’m going to talk about something else for a minute so that people don’t accidentally see something before they read the spoiler alert. This has nothing to do with The Bear, but rather a recent epiphany I had.

You know how there have been times in your life where you are waiting in a line or maybe in a doctor’s office for an appointment and you are near an old person who wants to chat? And they try really hard to be relatable, but end up being a little cringe-y or just “old people” adorable?

I think Randy and I have crossed that line. We’re the olds now. At least Randy is. Probably me as well.

Anyway, I think it is appropriate, as olds, that we do our best to keep the fuck up. You know, be a little less adorable and a lot less cringe-y.

Like today, when Randy was in a new pizza place grabbing a few slices for us. I watched from the car as he chatted with the owner (who was much younger than we are) and thought “for all that is holy, sweetheart. Stop talking.”

When he came out, I asked him about it. He told me that he was telling them about going to the dispensary this morning and then something about music. I’m sure it was mostly adorable and only a little cringe-y. But that was the moment that I realized that we have definitely crossed over.

You think that is enough space? Can we move on to The Bear?

If you haven’t seen this series yet, I really recommend it. It can be tense and there is soooo much yelling, which usually puts me off. But for whatever reason, I process it pretty well.

I have been moved by this show a number of times, but the Ice Chips episode just gutted me.

Watching an adult child deal with her difficult (bat shit crazy) parent while she is in labor was a journey. Jamie Lee Curtis is fucking stellar as the mother, Donna. Abbie Elliot is poignant and beautiful as Natalie, the daughter in labor. Natalie had been estranged from her mother. After going into labor while buying paper towels, and not being able to get ahold of anyone else, she called her mother.

Watching the dynamic between these two women is fascinating. Donna so desperately tries to help her daughter, but her approach is misguided and abrasive, while Natalie can’t get past her anger and won’t accept her help.

The way they shot the hospital scene was mostly close ups of their faces. Natalie is annoyed by her mother telling stories about herself and it shows. But as time goes on, she starts to listen to her mother. She listens to her stories. Her mother allows her to express her resentment and anger that had built up over the years without recrimination.

This episode was relatable in so many ways. Mostly uncomfortable and painful, but still relatable.

I saw myself in Donna, trying to alleviate the tension and the pain by making inappropriate jokes. Something I have done so many times. Something I still do. Watching it in this episode, I saw the perspective of how that behavior isn’t always helpful or appropriate. Or how many times have I shifted the attention to me or my stories when it was my turn to shut up and listen?

I saw myself in Natalie telling her mother the ways she was injured by her. I recognized every injury. Natalie told her mother that she was afraid of her. And the pain that caused her mother was palpable, but Donna never wavered. She didn’t defend herself. She didn’t make excuses. I would have killed for a moment like that with my father. One moment where he allowed me the space to tell him how terrible it was without recrimination. Okay, not killed. That is hyperbole. Unless it was like one of those carpenter ants that we get in our house every spring. I would definitely kill one of those motherfuckers. Because I am a monster. At least to ants. I hope only to ants.

Natalie tells her mother that she feels like people are mad at her all the time and that she asks people if they are all right way too much. She says if someone around her feels sick, that she starts to feel sick and alone. And ugly or like she is in trouble. She tells her mother how exhausting it is to feel the way she feels.

I feel all those things all the time. I always feel like I’m in trouble. I constantly ask the people I love the most if they are okay even though I fucking know I am driving them crazy by asking. If someone around me is sad or angry or doesn’t feel well, I feel the same things.

I don’t know many things for sure, but having an abundance of empathy is not a goddamn gift. It just isn’t.

I often feel alone. I used to feel ugly a lot. Maybe I still do? I just don’t care the way I used to. Getting older can be a relief in some ways. Being able to let go of some of that is a relief. Because Natalie was so right. It is goddamn exhausting to feel those ways.

I pretty much ugly cried through the whole episode. My head pounded and my nose ran like a faucet for an hour, but it was worth it. It wasn’t fun feeling all those things, but it was beneficial. I know the characters are just characters, but someone wrote that dialogue. So someone understands how all that feels.

Watching that scene and hearing those words made me feel less alone. It made me feel heard. It made me feel less broken.

Anyway, it meant a lot to me, so I thought I would pass it along to you.

I wish nothing more for you all to be healthy and happy. And while I am here, I have a question.

Are you okay?

Looking for light, I spent Saturday evening off and on reading this article about good deed doers.

One of those collections where each story is a few paragraphs long. I am a complete sucker for that shit.

The short stories work well with my ADD. Randy and I were watching music videos and talking. When there was a lull in the conversation, I’d read a few more feel good stories.

I was looking for my happy happy.

This has been a thing for years. When Joey was a little guy just learning to talk, he would say words twice, rapidly. If he wanted to watch Blue’s Clues, he would say “Blue Clue Blue Clue”. If he wanted me to draw for him, he would hand me a piece of paper and a pencil or crayon and say “happy happy”. Which was him directing me to draw smiley faces for him. So now, it’s never just “happy”. It’s always “happy happy”. 

Anyway, it’s been a weird time.

I have people who I love very much who will be going through a painful loss. When? Who knows? Tonight? In a month? It’s just really hard and I want to make everything okay, but I have no control over the “okayness” of anything. I know so many people who have kids in high school and college who are struggling because of the apocalypse. Life includes a lot of suffering. It seems to me that a lot of people are getting extra doses of suffering these days.

Everything is weird and a lot of it is super upsetting.

I decided that I wanted to make an effort to do something nice for other humans more often.

To just take a goddamn moment to try to improve another person’s life or at least make them smile.

Then, I got an email.

An author sent me an email this morning. She said she read my blog and asked if I would consider giving her book a boost.

The email was engaging and funny and her story sounds amazing. Then I realized that she made my plan of helping someone out easy today. I didn’t have to go looking for something nice to do. I didn’t even have to get out of my bed. All I had to do, was write a post and plug her book.

So, while it might seem like I am doing her a favor, in reality, she did me one as well.

Here is an excerpt from her letter:

“I’m simply dropping you a line to talk about a book I’ve written about being a menopausal woman in the throes of a mid-life crisis. Since I couldn’t afford the Ferrari, and I couldn’t be bothered having an affair, I went from previously perfectly locatable in the Cotswolds in the UK to utterly bewildered living in the wilderness of America when I set about walking from Mexico to Canada.”

So, I haven’t read her book yet, but I did order it for my Kindle. I’m looking forward to reading about her travels.

If you’d like to support an artist, please consider buying Everything You Ever Taught Me. 

I can tell from her email the book will be a funny and insightful read. Plus, she used the word “cheeky” which for some reason makes me laugh. And it makes me think of Michael Meyers on SNL playing Simon in the bathtub. Cheeky Monkey.

Also, I want to make it clear that my plan to help other people as I can is completely selfish.

Of course, I want others to be healthy and happy, but I know there will be a payoff for me as well.

You could join me. We can pay it forward or pay it back. We can pay it over, under, sideways, and down. I don’t care how we do it. But if we all take just a little moment to care for someone else? What’s not to love about that?