We learned in A Dog’s Purpose, that a dog reincarnates multiple times to figure out his life purpose.
Cats come equipped with 9 lives.
Reincarnation? How adorable.
Cat’s don’t waste a single life figuring out a cat’s purpose.
They are born with a strong sense of self and don’t need to validate that through dying and being reborn.
They also don’t care what we humans think and are quite frankly, sick of our shit.
Psychopathic kitten furballs hypnotise fully functioning adults with their obscene cuteness. They are tiny, but they prove their might as those itsy bitsy adorable claws cut through human skin like piano wire through tofu.
This hypnotic ability that kittens have is wicked strong and works even if the kitten is nowhere near other humans. For instance, if you see Bob from accounting at the water 
fountain sporting a shredded forearm that makes the flesh look like it belongs in a burrito, you might express concern.
“Oh my god, Bob. What happened? Bush hog incident? Flock of pissed off bald eagles?”
“Oh, no. This is from Sparky. Our new kitten.”
“Awwww, kitty.”
See? This is not reasonable. A reasonable reaction to seeing Bob’s arm looking like it has gone through a coffee bean grinder would be “Dude, that looks infected.” or “Have you seen a doctor about that?”
The kitten stage doesn’t last long.
Soon, your fluffy psychopath becomes standoffish, a little cranky and introverted, with tendencies toward sudden bursts of energy that usually involve tear assing through the house as if being chased by flaming yetis.
You think you know your cat’s purpose, but chances are, you are completely wrong.
For instance, when your cat hops up on your bed in the middle of the night and gently pats your face, he isn’t letting you know that he loves you. He isn’t telling you that he’s lonely and needs your attention. He is checking to see if you are still breathing and whether or not it’s safe to eat you.
There isn’t anything on the wall behind your head. Your cat just knows if he stares intently at the same spot long enough, you will freak out and wonder if great Aunt Henrietta has returned from the grave, as she promised, to make sure you aren’t masturbating.
You buy the expensive, gluten-free organic cat food made from free range chickens who had actual names like Ferdinand and Esme, but will your cat eat it? No. He wants the dime store, cheap stuff. In reality, he likes the new cat food fine, but you never let him lay on your keyboard, so fuck your new food. He also hopes you didn’t even have a coupon.
You might suspect your cat is trying to kill you by tripping you up on the stairs. He totally is.
Even though your beloved cat is trying to kill you, freak you out, and kind of wants to eat you, you love him anyway. Because you know, underneath it all, he loves you.
At the end of the day, when you need him the most, you know what you can expect.
If you have a day that starts out with getting mayonnaise in your hair, locking your keys in your car that is still running and ending with getting fired, your little fuzzball will be there, waiting for you. He will likely give you a slow blink and then show you his butthole.
Also, he pooped outside the litter box because you took way too long after getting home from work to scoop out his box.
EXACTLY!
I share my wee cottage with two little, beautiful, furry terrorists and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I know! He’s so awesome.
Nailed it!
My sweet Zippy, pure white with a kink at the end of his tail, rescued from a gas station parking lot, is trying to kill me for sure.
He has always been the Fred Astaire of kitties… light on his feet and able to leap flat-pawed from any surface to any perch, especially up to my shoulder.
We’ve had him over 6 years or so and this has always been a ‘cute’ thing.
Until the last couple of months.
Now, I have to wear my winter coat in the kitchen because he has decided he NEEDS/HAS TO HAVE milk everytime I go in the kitchen and the only way to get it is by dictating from my shoulder my next move to the fridge.
He’s not so light on his feet anymore and is landing on my back lower so he has to do a little scrambling to get into shoulder position and fuck it hurts, so, now I just wear my coat (a thick, down purple one, to boot! Whee 🙂 ) in the kitchen so he can be the little dictator.
Too hard to train a cat. Much easier to don the coat and love my little beastie for his surefooted landings and as little skin scrambling as possible.
Bob, from accounting should wear his coat when playing with Sparky 😀
You should really invest in/dig out an old down coat for future kitty love 😉
That is GREAT advice. XOXOXOX
We refer to her running through the house “as if chased by flaming yetis” as chasing ghosts. There is, according to her, something very important that needs catching. We lost our other cat last May, so maybe he’s coming for a visit, or just to make sure she’s getting enough exercise.
How was your visit? And I hope that the ‘getting fired’ part was just poetic license.
Haha..yeah poetic license. I DID get my job threatened though. That sucked. Still does.
I’ve always had cats; we currently have two. I learned that those bizarre spurts of energy when they run through the house as if possessed have a name: frenetic random activity periods (FRAPs). It’s just something cats (and, apparently) dogs do. Even my geriatric (13- and 16-year-old) cats still do it. Not sure what the human equivalent might be–maybe frantic cleaning when you find out someone’s coming over in 10 minutes?
Hahaha..yeah, that is exactly what it’s like.
Yeah, our 15 yr. old cat still gets the “zoomies.” It’s funny as hell. I have always wondered at Jake (the cat) and his ability to walk directly IN FRONT of me and trip me. My theory has always been that cats are space aliens observing us. They’ve mastered mind control and have found an Earth creature who will feed them, house them and even scoop their excrement, while allowing them to sleep all day and observe Earth life from windows. Feral cat colonies became necessary for “field work.”
I would totally buy that.
And that’s why I have a dog.
Randy is talking about a dog now…
Oh No! Dude would be devastated! And vengeful.
Oh god..Randy took the stuffed dog to TN where my friend has the same stuffed dog (Her’s isn’t quite so beat up) so Randy was in picture heaven.
I spent some time volunteering in a NICU for kittens…bottle feeding the little shits. They are just as willful and determined at one day old as they are grown to adulthood.
That is so awesome!!! Alfie had to be bottle fed and he still sucks on things. He loves to suck on my purple sheets the most.
Funny – we thought our cat was the only one who goes spontaneously ripping around the house as if her tail is on fire and for no discernible reason. It’s usually in the evening while we’re zombied out in front of the TV, and it’s almost always accompanied by horrid yowls that sound like she’s possessed. But, yeah, we love her.
Nope..not just your cat. Alfie flips out regularly. haha.
When our cat gets feisty I sometimes call her “Rip Cat Razor-Toes” because she does, in fact, rip things to shreds. I have learned to avoid being one of those things, for the most part, and when I notice her stalking around like she’s hunting bears, I just get the Emu-feathers-on-fishing-line toy and she flips around while mauling it as savagely as she can manage. I should note here that she doesn’t rip inappropriate things like furniture or babies, but there is a rubber floor mat in the garage that looks as if it had been run through an industrial perforator.
There’s a wonderful video called “Zebra vs Horses: Animal Domestication” that goes down a checklist of traits that animals needed to have before humans could domesticate them that points out that while dogs are faithful servants that look at you as the leader of their pack, cats are tiny tigers that live in your house.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOmjnioNulo
The simple truth, though, is that having Kitters around makes my days into better days, and I don’t begrudge her quirky behavior, and I am fairly certain that from her point of view, my behavior doesn’t make all that much sense, either.
The kitty makes my life better, too. He’s awesome.
You are so right about the KITTEN reaction lol.
We are a two animal house. As a child I had two pets and as an adult I have passed that along to my grown up household. But I am the only cat person in my household now, so it’s been too long. And I’m thinking of making it a three animal house as I type. One of our dogs is like a cat. She wants attention when she wants it and otherwise, call her when it’s time for dinner. So I guess I have a cat now, but it’s not quite the same.
My mom says our first cat brought her a dead mouse when she was pregnant. She did not understand that was love for the both of us. I wish I could have seen that from her belly because if you know my mom you would know her reaction of OMG it’s the end of the world would have been hilarious shit. And we don’t see eye to eye on much but I know I would have had the exact same reaction. Still hilarious shit.
That same cat hated my guts for years because 1) it seemed I pulled it’s tail once, and 2) when I was 5 we got a puppy, and he knew it was because I wanted one.
Then when I was like 8, one day the cat jumped up on my lap and purred. He started sleeping on my bed and basically I was called Shani of the Jungle because those two were my pets, or I was theirs–who knows. I have NO idea why the cat decided I was his new person, but I was young enough to just accept the love he gave without question. And that’s the best way to own a cat I think–just accept the love he or she gives without question.
And when I come home with a kitten one day, I’m going to blame you just so you know 🙂
Hope you enjoyed your birthday weekend!
That is awesome! And we had a terrific weekend!
I swear if I hadn’t married a man who’s allergic to cats, we would have a house full of them. Years ago, I had the most beautiful- natured cat in the world, I still miss her. She used to stroke me with her tail. I hope she is there to greet me in the afterlife…..
Randy SWORE he was allergic. He’s fine.
It is possible Hubby exaggerated how allergic to cats he is, knowing how eccentric I can be. It was laid on thick that he will basically die if a cat lived with us!!! Now I’m wondering…………
I had a friend who’s cat would chase unseen things. We called it chasing the faries.
That could be it!
Your cat sounds adorable!
Our 2 cats will occasionally do an Exorcist kind of move with their heads looking at something.I say it is the ghosts of our 2 dogs flying past and they are getting to know each other. It works for me.
I think Alfie is seeing your ghost dogs as well. Haha
I recently assisted a friend who really couldn’t afford to do…well basically anything and her last cat passed away. Hrmmm….this is someone that one owned 17 cats at the same time. (Don’t go there please – that is a few too many.)
I live no where near to her but donated the money so she could get two new kittens. I get almost daily kitten pictures. Better than children and cuter!
A boy and a girl – they can’t find the litter box, however, have figured out how to jump already. Who could resist? (Thank g-d I have a lease that doesn’t allow pets or I’d have little monsters as well.)
Kittens are insanely cute.
Thanks for the smile. I’m currently staring at a sleeping cat. thinking, oh joy. I get to write something on my computer without cat in my face and keyboard. I’m going to be in trouble for writing that. Wondering what torture she’s dreaming up for me.
Hahaha..I feel your pain. I’m fighting for my keyboard a we speak.
We had a cat who I think in one of his previous lives must have been a dog. Or maybe since he lived with dogs he decided that was the way to go. When we first brought him home he hissed and spit at our dog for three days and then finally one morning flopped down on his back and said, “I give up!” The dog sniffed his tummy and licked his ears and they were best friends after that.
He also wanted whatever the dogs got…except peanut butter. He’d throw a fit when the dogs got peanut butter and I’d offer it to him and he’d sniff it and look at me and say, “What is this shit?”
Hahaha..yeah, I spent a fortune on no filler organic blah blah blah kitten food and Alfie won’t touch it. He’s all like…”yeah, I’ll go ahead and starve or you could get that cheap shit for me again”.
I just love you, Sister. I know when I’m headed this way that I’m probably going to laugh my ass off! Hope you had a terrific birthday without the hangover!
You know, the hangover wasn’t bad..not at all.
So funny. I can never figure out if my cat Rocky genuinely loves me, or if I’m merely part of the staff. Still, I’m the only lap he’ll curl up on. I guess that’s my answer.
Randy is more Alfie’s human than me..but I do get occasional cuddle time.
I will never be as cool as my cat, but he’ll never have thumbs, so it’s okay. And, as I’ve said even about Gus who slow-blinks me with all his heart, if they were bigger than you, they’d eat you.
And yet, I wish I could have half the attitude in a facial expression that he does.
Hahaha..never be as cool as your cat..that is awesome.
I am endeavouring to be more like my cat, and less like my dog, weird energy shifts and all.
Randy is campaigning a bit for a dog..I’m not so sure about that idea. Not at all. I think it’s my turn to drag my feet a bit..at least until we sell this house.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKffm2uI4dk
Because I have had cats for 47 years, I pass this gem from Ze Frank on to you all. You are welcome…
Oh thank you so much!!!
This. All of this. Awww, kitty.
🙂