I can’t even imagine what types of searches I’ll get from this blog post title.
We are having a ‘surprise’ tornado drill at work this morning. Because it’s only a surprise if everyone in the building knows about it.
Priscilla, Queen Of The Cubicle and I waited for the alarm and passed the time by talking about deep and meaningful subjects…you know, the important issues.
PQOTC: I heard we’re having a fire drill this morning, are we?
Me: Fucking hell. I don’t know.
PQOTC: Fuck! I forgot to put a blow up doll in my car!
Priscilla parks in the back of the lot where we are supposed to gather for fire drills. We decided a blow up doll in her car would be worth some laughs and some really good rumors. As it turns out, the drill was a tornado drill…so the doll idea would have been wasted.
PQOTC: That last David Thorne post was pretty good.
Me: It really was.
PQOTC: We need to find out where he works and work there.
PQOTC: I want to have his sarcastic, smart ass babies.
Me: You can’t. You don’t have a uterus.
PQOTC: I still have eggs, dammit! And I just pictured myself as a chicken. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Me: I just pictured you as a chicken too when you said that. You’re a funny chicken.
PQOTC: What color?
Me: Rust and black.
PQOTC: ooooh. My initial thought was white, but I like your version better.
Me: With white tufty feathers around your chicken neck.
PQOTC: Because I’m fancy as fuck.
Me: You’re definitely a roaster and not a fryer.
Me: I have no idea what that means.
PQOTC: Me either. I thought you meant rooster at first, but that doesn’t make sense.
Me: No, I didn’t imagine you with a chicken dick.
Me: goddammit. Now I am. And it’s HUGE. You have a HUGE chicken dick.
PQOTC: LOOK AT MY COCK! LOOK AT IT!
Me: I just snorted. I clucked. I clucked so hard.
PQOTC: Now every time I eat chicken I’m going to wonder if I’m eating the dick. Those aren’t chicken strips!
Me: Just put honey mustard sauce on it and eat it anyway.
PQOTC: Oh, I would. I would eat the whole thing in one bite.
PQOTC: Wtf? Are we on to chicken porn now?
Me: I know you would eat it in one bite. Skanky whore.
PQOTC: We are twisted fucks.
PQOTC: Twisted clucks.
Sadly, our chicken porn conversation was interrupted by the surprise tornado drill.
Which is probably best, I can’t imagine that conversation would have ended up in a good place. Probably would have devolved into having sex with Colonel Sanders’ corpse while covered in gravy or something equally disturbing.
Laughing out loud!
Nothing quite like a little chicken porn with my morning coffee to get the day started.
Cheers and thanks for that!
Well, it’s a well known fact that coffee and chicken porn go together.
I think everybody should keep a blow up doll in their car in case of an emergency (trying to figure out what kind of emergency is up to the reader of this comment).
You two are some twisted clucks. Now I wish I worked where you worked (not really, but it was a nice thing to say).
You really DON’T wish you worked here…we’re entertaining, but not enough to make it worth it.
And yes, we probably could all use a blow up doll.
Hilarious start to my day, darling.
On a disgusting note, I once tried to convince someone not to eat chicken eggs by using the analogy that the frying pan was the chicken’s maxi pad. My friend then turned green as I proceeded to eat a bunch of scrambled eggs in front of him. What can I say? I like to fuck with people’s minds.
HAHAHAH…THAT.IS. AWSOME.
I need to work where you guys work. I don’t have any interesting conversations like that. Well at least not sober….. Micah and I had a good one last weekend but again, it was the weekend and I don’t go through too many of those sober.
Yeah, we do this shit stone cold sober. We’d do the same drunk, only with more typos. And there are a lot of typos..I just clean them up for the posts.
I PROMISED myself I would be productive this morning and not spend hours reading blogs and then you lure me in with “Chicken Porn” – Dammit – don’t you know I have work* to do?!
*work – sitting around in my pj’s reading blogs it turns out so…Thanks!
PS – For what it’s worth I see you as a booted and bearded “fancy” chicken – extremely bad-ass
Hahah…You have the best work ever.
I AM a fancy chicken!!!
I LOVE David Thorne, and I’m so annoyed right now because his site is blocked on my home network. Apparently the parental control software considers him inappropriate, which I guess he is, but goddamn is he funny. The last one I saw was the “your link redirects to your homepage. Please fix this, as it is very annoying” post, so now I’m actually looking forward to Monday, when I can go to the office and read it.
My office changed the fire drill policy, because everyone was just going out for coffee around the time of the fire drills, and not participating. So now they really are “surprise” drill. Because if there’s ever a fire, it’s extremely likely that I will forget how to walk down a flight of stairs, so it’s critical that I practice that every few months.
Hahaha…yes..I don’t need to be told to exit the building if it is on fire…
Something I’ve heard but not tried, because I don’t need to; someone said if your web addy is http: (etc) and it’s blocked, try typing in https: (etc) and see if that gets you to the site you want.
Tried it–didn’t work :/ Thanks for the suggestion, tho! I’ll just have to wait until Monday.
I snorted while reading that! And clucked… I work in an animal-assisted therapy program with a farm and the “thing” right NOW is that the peacocks are in heat. They will shake their fancy tails for anything with feathers. It’s hilarious… I’ve yet to compose any peacock porn worthy of posting, though. 😉
Well…pay close attention and write that shit!!!
This. Freaking. RULES. Can I come work with you guys??
Well…I wouldn’t wish that on anyone…but sure! 🙂
Needed the laugh today… You never seem to fail to deliver!! Glad, though, that I read this AFTER I ate my chicken tenders for lunch…. now I’m curious though if one (or more) was the cock or not!
I’ll ask Priscilla what they taste like and let you know. 🙂
Well, even if this post is only a ploy to enhance your search-term results, it’s still hilarious. And thank you for the Buzzfeed link yesterday; my friend Sara was feeling sad this morning and it cheered her up a little.
Oh good!!! I’m so glad. I hope she’s feeling better now.
Great post! And thank you for alerting me to the new David Thorne post! *runs off to read it*
He’s fucking hysterical. I have a picture of Liam Neeson in my living room because of one of his posts
Bahaha! you clucked so hard.
You ladies are a coupla dirty birds.
You should see the shit I don’t post…
I don’t work in an office. But Sarah at est.1975 message each other ridiculous things. But never chicken porn. I’m gonna have to work harder.
Okay…why don’t the two of you collaborate on a chicken porn post.
HEAR HEAR ON THE CHICKEN PORN POST!
How did I not see this blog before? You are funny as hell! Dammit, I will NEVER look at chicken tenders the same way again….
Thank you!
And the trick is to not think about it. and use a lot of sauce.
Soon after Doc broke the news about not wanting to be married anymore, I was invited to do a garage sale with some fabulous gay friends. As I was setting up my stuff in their garage, one of them showed me this rooster made out of chili peppers that they were selling (we’re in New Mexico — so chilies are used for every damn thing!) He holds it up with this mischievous look on his face and says, “Would you like a HOT cock, Jana? We’ll give you a really good deal!” I was tempted — it had been a long while since I’d actually seen or touched any cock, let alone a HOT cock! Alas, some older woman nabbed that sucker before I could — she must have needed a hot cock more than me 🙂
hahaha..we have a platter hanging in our kitchen..it’s got a logo… Cockburn’s…. Of COURSE I had to buy something that says cockburns on it.
You could ask the good folk at Ms. P’s Electric Cock if they have any insight into the nuances of chicken anatomy. http://electriccock.com/
Hahaha…AWESOME! Thank you for the link!