What The Fuck Is Up With That Elf?

Okay, this is just a short little post…but I learned something tonight and I feel compelled to share. Also, I just took an ambien so if my spelling or word usage becomes creative, please be kind.

This elf on the shelf thing, what the fuck, people?

I’ve seen the elf because I have a Facebook account and you can’t help but see it.  I didn’t pay too close attention to it because:

a) the elf is creepy

b) I don’t have tiny kids anymore and it doesn’t interest me.

I’ve made a few references to the elf here and there because it seems to be a trend that is not going to end. I figured if I were going to talk about the elf, I should at least know the story behind it. I looked it up just a few minutes ago.

It’s fucking HORRIFYING!

That elf is there to SPY. It’s there to spy on the kids before Christmas.

Do you parents even THINK about how goddamn creepy that is? Twenty years from now, there are going to be therapists dedicated to EOTSPTSD (elf of the shelf post traumatic stress disorder).

I have a very clear memory from when I was four years old. We lived in a big white apartment building and our little apartment had hardwood floors. We lived there when Middle Sister was born.

I had a troll doll. It had green hair. I fucking HATED that troll. It was creepy and it scared the shit out of me. I threw it away because I never wanted to see it’s creepy naked little body again.

Apparently, my mother found the troll in the trash and assumed that it got thrown away on accident, which is why after I threw it away, I found the damn thing sitting on my bedroom dresser. It was traumatic. I’m 50 years old now and I still remember how badly that scared me. I can’t imagine how much more scary it would have been if my parents were telling me it was actually there to fucking SPY ON ME.

Look, I’m not telling you how to raise your kids…if you want to scare the shit out of them at Christmas with that creepy little elf, then that’s your business. I think, though, that you should start a therapy fund.

It’s the least you can do.

 

70 Thoughts.

  1. I wish I had something creative to say about this, but I don’t. I completely agree that that shit is ridiculous and I don’t want to scare my kids before one of their happiest days of the year. I’m sure I do enough of that just being me…. Anyways, fuck that troll.

      • I’m cracking up – I don’t even know how I stumbled on your blog but I love it. I just started but I wrote about that motherfucker. it’s like we parents think we are going to do the elf better than we do our life. which is a LIE we tell ourselves and our kids. when the kids find out the elf is us – it’s like “phew, thought I got screwed” but nope, it’s all good. Just mom. I fell into it too – don’t get me wrong. I’ve been parenting about 13 years and doing the elf thing who knows how long. 7, 9, 12, squirrel… but I’ve beaten myself up over it.

        In fact – it’s 2am. I haven’t moved it. Not gonna. Can’t make me. Sorry – just exhausted and I am going to sleep. Elvis has all day to dick around I have to PARENT. so yep – I’m not even worried.

        I don’t really get why we think we will do anything different than we do ourselves. If you are a wreck, you are a wreck. Unorganized as a person? Same as a parent. And elf. HAHAHA

        I am a wreck and I own that shit – and my kids know it and sorry kids, but I am figuring this out as I go doing my best. Every day – doing my best. It’s all I got kids, sorry but you cannot get a new one.

        rebecca
        p.s. totally going to go move that motherfucker. ugh.

  2. I know this is off topic but I just put down the phone after getting a voicemail from my NPD Dad. It’s his birthday today. He always gets VERY precious about his birthday. The only time I used to speak to him was a courtesy call from him on my birthday and vice versa. I’m pretty sure that his call (in August) was mainly to ensure that he in turn got his courtesy call from me on his birthday (in December). The two years ago he went berserk at my sister because she called him on his birthday at 8pm to wish him happy birthday, not earlier in the day. I called him to tell him to leave her alone. So now, nobody gets a birthday call, and it’s fine by me (not worth the anxiety). So today, on his birthday, at 7:45 am I get a call from him (I didn’t pick up) with the following voicemail message “Hi Linds, I’m just calling to wish myself happy birthday from you. Love from your Dad.” It was a classic Dad manoeuvre. A few years ago I would have felt angry and upset about that call all day. Now that I know what NPD is, I laughed about it out loud for ten minutes (it was so hilarious, a classic, tactical, oblivious, npd tantrum), picked up the phone, and texted “Happy Birthday Dad”.

    • We have no reason to stay on any topic here…my brain certainly doesn’t!

      Precious about birthdays…that’s hilarious. My dad is the same way..he is like a kid at Christmas and birthdays and if you don’t get him something good (and no matter what it is, it’s not good) then he will pout. Even now, as a frail, brain damaged old man, he pouts.

      I still get him a gift though, mostly because I don’t want my mom to get upset.

      I should get him one of those creepy fucking elves.

      • Totally! Get him two elves!
        I should have texted and said “I hope you liked the present that you bought yourself for me too!”.

        That is exactly the same as my dad! No matter how much thought you put into it, the present is never good enough. And the pouting, THE POUTING! Just like watching a wrinkly child have a tantrum.
        Yet, when it’s your birthday, even if you ask for something specific (like driving lessons), he will decide himself what you want and be all proud about getting you that (like a self help book… that you needed… to fix all the things that are so obviously wrong with you). Yes, that really happened to my sister. Although, I haven’t actually got a present from him for about 15 years. It’s for the best.

        • Thanks Rocco!
          Michelle, exactly!

          He wanted either praise, something to feel sorry for himself about (i.e. his horrible, ingrate kids) or a fight.
          Hopefully gave him none of the above. At least I can say something nice. And benign. I feel sorry for him, really. He will probably invent some weird alternate meaning in his own head about the text, but he’s the one that has to live there, not me.

          At least he gave me a good laugh this morning! I appreciate that.

      • I agree Rocco, but then I’ve cut-off my NPD mom altogether anyway. That tantrum was classic though.

        Also- I think there will be a lot of parents with burn-out from Elf on the Shelf. Yep, creepy as fuck. Also? A lot of goddamn work. I hardly remember to pick clean clothes out of the laundry basket for the kids before I go to bed. No way in hell am I going to get all goofy over a flipping spy elf.

        • you make another good point, Heather…why add the stress of having to find places for the elf to lie in wait to scare the shit out of the little kids.

  3. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have kids, of because I don’t Live in the US, but I was previously unaware of this creepy elf plague. Sounds like ‘a Christmas extortion’, not ‘a Christmas tradition’ to me! I don’t think even my dog would eat it. Too creepy.

    • It’s relatively new. I thought it was just a story book at first..but then the pictures started popping up all over. I’m gonna look it up and see when it started. I’m guessing no more than 3 or 4 years ago. okay, the book was published in 2005…dunno when the actual elves started popping up

  4. Ha ha ha! I can just image, like a scene in a horror movie, when you walked into your room and the troll was BACK! With the serene look on it’s creepy little naked face. And you were all “Noooooooo!!”. What was the next step? Did you have to tie it to a brick and throw it in a lake? How do you vanquish a troll?

    • You know..I have no idea what happened to it. I can only hope that it’s bald and cold and buried deep within a landfill somewhere.

  5. Creepy–I totally agree. It’s gonna be like the clown from Poltergeist. But, more importantly, it’s too much fucking work. Who has the energy for that shit? I find the verbal threat, “you better behave or Santa won’t come” to be much more energy-efficient.

  6. EOTSPTSD! I’M laughed so hard that my kitten got up off my lap and say in another chair.Its bad enough that a child has to be paranoid and afraid to do anything because Jesus, the angels AND Santa are watching their every move without adding a creepy elf.

  7. I had never even heard of Elf on the Shelf until this year. It was never a tradition in my family. Looks like it never will be. This shit is creepy.

    Good job writing a post on ambien. I’m curious about whether or not you will remember writing this post tomorrow (an assumption based off of experience)

    • I DO remember writing it. I woke up at 4:00am (now) and had to read it to make sure it wasn’t all just gibberish and was pleased to see there was only my normal 30% or so of gibberish

  8. Ok… the Elf on the Shelf, when done earnestly, is creepy. I don’t think kids need it.

    But the bad Elf on the Shelf that you put in funny poses and situations for adults’ entertainment is a good time had by all.

    Sorry about the troll. Those things were horrible. Ugh, talk about bad for kids.

    • As long as it doesn’t scare little kids..I think it’s creepy though. I think if dolls ever come to life and start killing people, it’s gonna be those little creepy elves that start that shit

  9. Definitely not a UK thing thankfully, though it’s the kind of psychologically damaging kind of crap the Victorians came up with so I’m almost surprised we don’t have something similarly disturbing and wrong

  10. I’m with you on this. I stopped encouraging my son to believe that imaginary beings were watching him. So, no elves, Santa, or God here. Just love and honest communication.

    I thought your spelling and grammar were great. I’ve never taken an Ambien, but I bet I would slur, even in writing, if I did.

    • Yeah, we’ve never encouraged that either. When people I worked with found out that my 4 year old son didn’t believe in Santa they had a meltdown. It’s like I was abusing him or something. Fucking crazy.

  11. I’m laughing so hard about the fucking elf.

    My daughter said ours is magic so we aren’t allowed to touch it or it will lose the magic. She’s 10 and I’m sure she’s just playing along because she cross-referenced her list with amazon item numbers so Santa could find them more easily (and not get her the wrong damn color)

  12. Apparently I will need to google this because even though I’m on Facebook a lot and have friends with small kids, I have no idea what this is even about. O.o

  13. I completely agree that the elf on a shelf is creepy. I have no children yet, but if I ever do, we will not have an elf on the shelf. Aside from the creepy factor, it just sounds like too damn much work. What happened to verbal threats that Santa was watching? (We may, however, end up with a Mensch on a Bench. I’m not Jewish, but I absolutely love this: http://www.themenschonabench.com/)

    Also, if the troll doll thing had happened in my house, it would have taken years and possibly a house exorcism before my parents would have been able to get me to sleep again.

  14. Hahaha it’s so so true– I was horrified when my sister-in-law explained the whole concept to me a few years ago… and that thing really is just creepy as hell to look at. It has the grin of a sex offender, that’s all I’m saying.

    Maybe it’s a vast government conspiracy to raise our children under the impression that it is perfectly okay for them to be spied on at all times. This way they’ll be more accepting of the fact they have zero privacy. I think I may be on to something here.

  15. How funny! I think the same thing. I’m so glad they weren’t around when my son was little. A friend of mine told her young daughter, who had been begging for one, that the elf is only given to the bad kids so they can let Santa know whether the kid is naughty or nice, and since she is nice she doesn’t need one. LOL .. what an imaginative response 🙂

  16. It took me ages to even notice that damned elf. Then ages longer to figure out what the heck it was all about. This makes me really really glad that we don’t have small kids, or even medium-sized ones.

  17. Oh my god, I’m crying right now. I’m just picturing the look on little Michelle’s face when that troll sat on her dresser. That is the stuff of really bad horror movies! And it just confirms what I’ve always suspected, we are all screwing our kids up in small ways and we have no idea. And that Elf. I actually have issues with the whole thing. It kind of pisses me off. Do we seriously need one more way to spoil our kids and make them feel special? What the hell? Like Christmas isn’t magical enough for kids???

  18. I went the opposite way when it came to the Elf. I (being twisted and raising my children as such) found this creep 10″ Gollum in a thrift store. He is our elf on the shelf. He doesn’t do much, but he is scary as hell, and dresses accordingly. My kids think it’s hilarious…plus, with their back luck in the gene department of mental health, therapy has already been preplaned

  19. Oh my, that is creepy – the whole spying of the children thing.
    Although I have to say I had a little naked troll with black hair (that I braided into a lovely top knot) and I LOVED it. I also had a troll village that I got from the Sears Catalogue one Christmas and it was my favourite toy for years and years and my kids even played with it…..
    But, yah, no elves on the shelves in this house! (keeping down the clutter, one elf at a time.)

  20. Yes! I cannot stress enough how delighted I am that my two were born too early for Mr. Spooky Elf On a Shelf. As for trolls? Mine had pink hair and was stolen by classmate Eva in grade 4. I didn’t know for sure it was her until it turned up on my desk 4 months later with its hair chopped off and while everyone else was horrified, darling Eva was smirking. Hmmm. Have to say chopped off troll was MUCH spookier than pink hair troll. But perhaps you might not think so. Sorry I have no visual proof for you to check out. I tossed her asap.

  21. Oh snap!
    My helpful sister enthusiastically gave me one of these elves for my grandgirls 5, 4, 2, and 4 months.
    The elf has been sitting on my dresser for 8 months waiting for me to look at it and do something with it.
    After reading this, I have decided what to do with it.
    Now I just have to work up the courage to tell her.
    Maybe I’ll send her this blog post link. Avoid conflict at all costs.

  22. And I thought there wasn’t going to be anything interesting to read this morning…I’m just sorry I didn’t see this 3 days ago.

    My mom used to use a ginormous blow-up Easter Bunny that someone got for me, to keep me out of wherever she didn’t want me. I was scared to death of it so rather than throw it away, she kept him on as ‘Gatekeeper.’

    I don’t remember it, apparently the fear method of discipline was used on me before I was 3, so, when my therapist asks what I think started my ‘issues’ I have to say, “The Easter Bunny.”

    After the Chucky movie came out, I’ll bet you’re ‘troll doll re-appearing’ moment became even freakier. Or scarier. Or, as in my case, snapped altogether.

    I wonder if those fucking elves are a new conspiracy for Big Pharma to keep us sick and medicated since we’re onto them about the food problem.

    Or like Aussa said, so we get used to the Big Brother Elves.

    Shit Michelle, we might have to save the world from Elves, not ISIS.

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