Randy makes it so easy to talk shit about him. Bless his heart. He lobs softballs to me every day. I totally appreciate these softballs, because every time I worry about running out of things to write about, he acts all Randy-like and I have blog material that practically writes itself.
Right this second, for instance. It’s not what he’s saying, it’s what he chose to watch on Amazon. He’s watching Corpse Grinders. Remember that scene in Pulp Fiction where Jules is talking about not getting hamburgers because his girlfriend is a vegetarian? “My girlfriend’s a vegetarian which pretty much makes me a vegetarian.”
You have to read the next sentence in that voice. Randy’s watching Corpse Grinders which pretty much means I’m watching Corpse Grinders.
He tried to explain the plot to me.
Randy: Okay, so they made this cat food and it was really popular and they ran out of meat, so they started digging up corpses and grinding them into cat food. Then, cats ate the food, develop a taste for human flesh, and start eating people.
Me:…
Me:…
Me: I’m going to take a shower.
But I really digress.
I am not looking at the TV. I can just hear it. Screeching cats, screaming women, and really lame tension music. And the bed is shaking because Randy is laughing really hard. Silly ass motherfucker.
Mostly, though, he’s a sweetie pie. He does try to help me feel better.
This summer is kicking my ass. The cluster headaches I usually only get in the dead of winter have been fucking with me all summer. I have one now, so I am typing with one eye closed.
My work related stress has been relentless. I have to upgrade software that is crucial to the entire business. In three states. I am not comfortable with this upgrade. I am not sure of some things that have to happen. This project has been looming for a year and now it’s rushing at me faster than the time it takes me to come up with an excuse to get out of a social event. Hopefully, the first phase will be done and over with by the end of the month. Then, the really scary phase is next, but honestly, I just want to get over this first hurdle. I can’t possibly worry about both.
So, Randy has had to live with anxiety Michelle for most of the summer.
He knows talking me out of it isn’t an option, and honestly if he tried, we would both end up butthurt. So he
makes me laugh as much as he can and makes thoughtful gestures to try to help me get a handle on my shit.
One of those gestures was to buy me these Guatemalan worry dolls.
The story is, you tell your worries to the doll, sleep with doll under your pillow, and the doll takes your worries away.
They don’t really work.
It’s a nice thought, though. I mean, other than it’s kind of creepy to think of a tiny little doll squirming around under my pillow and fucking with the thoughts in my head.
For all that is fucking holy, the dialogue in this movie is embarrassing. “Stop meddling in my affairs” and “I’m sure Willie is fine Tessie. You know how winos are.”
Although, to be fair to the worry dolls, I haven’t been doing it right. Randy got me a bag of worry dolls. I gave some away to the other women in my office and I taped a doll to my work monitor.
Holy shit, you guys, I’m a monster. That poor doll just wants to cart off the worries in my brain and I have her captive and bound by tape.
Now, I am not sure what I should do. Should I free her from her prison and bring her home? What if I do that and she’s really pissed about her captivity? I might wake up in the middle of the night with a tiny little dagger shoved into my eardrum. Or even worse, what if she meets up with her worry doll sisters and takes other people’s worries from her sisters and shoves them into my head? I’m telling you, there is no room.
Pretty sure if anyone can turn a Guatemalan worry doll into a homicidal maniac, it’s me.
I will risk it with my doll. I will release her from her prison and tell her my worries and then squish her under my pillow.
Maybe it will work. You don’t know.
Oh, and sorry about the Corpse Grinder spoilers.
I want a goddamn worry fuck doll… Wait, that came out wrong….
C-
HAHAHAHAH
I respectfully decline your sweet offer to send me a homicidal maniac doll who will try to shank my eardrum as I sleep. But…thanks.
I offer because I care.
My hubs watches the same shit! He also enjoys a little Rick & Morty with our 11 year old son. I hate Rick & Morty! They try to lure me into their demented web but I don’t bite! He has similar complaints about what I watch. He can’t understand why I enjoy watching all of the real housewives!? Duh.
So, you have cluster headaches too?!!! I have never met another person who has them, much less another woman! I have been suffering with them for years! I am currently knocking on wood as I type this. My hubs says whenever I mention the C word I bring on a new cycle! Other people have no idea how debilitating this headache is! It ruins your whole fucking day! My last cycle I got them twice a day. When I woke up in the morning and at the end of the day! The pain gets so bad that I want to stick my thumb into my eye socket! Are you taking anything? Not that anything really works. I sometimes take excedrin migraine when I feel one coming. Hot water helps me too. I just stand in the shower and let scalding hot water hit me in the face.
I hope your cycle ends soon!!
I would totally take one of those worry dolls if you have a spare one!
Thanks for making me laugh!
Mary Beth
I WANT to like Rick and Morty, but the belching, puking grandpa grosses me out so bad. haha.
Advil Migraine usually helps. Mine is just a long headache that lasts for 3 to 5 days. Today? A little pressure, but not bad. I think it might be finished, but I JUST did this 3 weeks ago. Usually it’s once, in December. I have no idea why this is happening now, but it sucks. They hurt so goddamn bad and it makes it hard to do anything but complain and try to not cry.
I used to get them too. Your hormones are getting ready for menopause and will send you on a rollercoaster ride for a while. The good news is, when the periods stop, so do the headaches.
According to my doctor, I am already post menopausal. I don’t know for sure though because I haven’t had a period in over 4 years because I had a uterine ablation. I guess it could be hormonal, though..maybe.
I don’t know why, but I just read “Adil Migraine” as “Avril Lavigne” and was lost!
hahahahhahah
I have a ‘Worry’ *wink wink* doll in a tiny Tupperware.
Not in my purse anymore, tho…
Keeping one taped to your monitor shouldn’t be a bad thing, I don’t think. I rearranged my ‘glass’ balls on my desk yesterday. We use what we use to remind us that Anxiety is a relentless bitch.
(But, my ‘good’ clear one weighs about 5 pounds, so…. smacking someone with it always makes me less anxious. The thought of it I mean.)
Maybe if you have your Worry dolls ‘Blessed’ *wink wink* you won’t have to worry about them causing you trouble with other people’s worries.
I have a ‘Guy.’ Just in case your taped up doll has an attitude.
Hahhaha..I might need to enlist your “guy” to help me out here.
I am an IT engineer. I get asked how long it will take for an upgrade. I say one week and it takes fifteen minutes. I say fifteen minutes and it takes one week. It’s tough but pays well and I don’t know what else I can do. A few weeks ago I had an idea to retrain as an electrician – I rejected it in the end.
This is seriously not a good line of work for me. I am way too anxious for this shit.
OMG! You are hilarious! Thanks for the laugh and the info on ‘Corpse Grinder’ (note to self to never watch that show). I think the dolls sound kind of creepy but if they work it would be great. I, however, would be worried all night if she was getting squished and ok under my pillow. I have irrational worries too sometimes – well actually a lot of the time. It good to know that I am in good company.
I don’t know if it is GOOD company..but it IS company. 🙂
Well, I would have posted sooner but I was busy deleting “Corpse Grinder” from my queue..that does not sound like the infomercial I expected. (I like how you give shit away..I got the CD, thank you..I haven’t gotten to writing the (glowing!) review yet and I apologize; hell, it took me 2 weeks to realize I had no place to play it inside the house. I vow to do so today! Plus clean out my kitchen cupboards. And paint the living room. And roast a chicken. Worry doll? Sounds promising..)
HAHAHA…no worries..I’m glad you got it and I really hope you enjoy it. My list of things to do and your list of things to do should get together and go bowling.
Oh wow. I have a Guatemalan worry doll right here on my desk that someone got me as a souvenir, only I didn’t know what it was, so it has been sitting here on my monitor for a year and a half!
Thank you!
Yay! I actually taught someone something! GO ME!
Oh, I’d love one, tape optional. Have you checked allergies for the headaches? My clusters and migraines are brought on most of the time by allergies, and this year has sucked way bad.
You know..my allergies HAVE been really bad recently…
‘Ruh? We were just talking about dolls. Creepy. Stare at ones face for awhile.
A lot of them are very creepy, no doubt.
You’re worrying about the worry doll, and offering other worrisome people same fate. What a dick move, Michelle.
But seriously, hope they work or don’t, but things just work out. And I also decline since dolls creep me out.
Hahahah…yeah..I did, didn’t I?
Damn. Now I can’t watch the movie. Thanks a LOT Randy. (I’m blaming Randy because it’s all his fault).
No. Leave the doll taped at work. I saw Chucky. It won’t end well if it’s under your pillow.
Good point!
I finally got to make a comment on The Madison’s page. Yay!
If I had a worry doll, I’d worry about what it would do with all my worries. Would it need a worry doll to absorb all of it’s worries too? Soon my home would be wall to wall worry dolls – although on the plus side, my cat would have unlimited toys. Oh no! Yet another thing for the doll to worry about! Sounds like they’ve all been spoken for already, but my “on line psychic” says I’m due for some good luck, so maybe Randy will pick me.
Hahaha! I probably need a worry doll for my worry doll as well
I see a movie coming….about a worry doll with a take-off on Chucky. I would absolutely never put one of those under my pillow! I have enough to worry about already.
Hahhaa..yeah, the purpose is to worry LESS not MORE.
There were no “Corpse Grinder” spoilers in there because, hey, we all know how winos are.
I’m saying that without ever having even heard of the show before but Randy reminds me of my friend who started watching “Danger 6”, another Netflix series, and now ends all his emails with, “And…kill Hitler!”
I don’t need a worry doll. There are things I worry about but they’re not important things. Although I do worry that I don’t worry about the important things.
For instance I’m not worried that you’ll make it through the software upgrade even though that’s very important. Admittedly I am worried that your anxiety is affecting your quality of life and that is important.
And I’m worried that Apple’s newest announcement of “headphones jacks take up too much space, motherfuckers!” means I’m going to have to deal with some stupid POS technology that replaces headphones with some kind of wireless thing that won’t work as well, will be unnecessarily complicated, and will have unnecessary “upgrades” every six months.
Admittedly not being able to listen to podcasts and/or music on my daily ride home will affect my quality of life and that is important.
That is very important. I tried to watch Danger 6 and just could NOT get in to it. Nope..not for me.
I love the sound of a worry doll. It would be great, if it actually works!
I’m going to take mine home tonight and test it out.
Oh, geez, no worry dolls for me! My perception of dolls changed drastically after viewing the Trilogy of Terror movie with Karen Black with that Zuni fetish doll and the Twilight Zone episode “Living Doll”! One piece of advice—-be VERY good to your Guatemalan worry doll! Taker her out to lunch or at least a cup of coffee. 😉
Now I know what my cat Frankie has been secretly watching on my computer. It explains everything! There is nothing like putzing around at your computer, with your cat lying peacefully on the desk next to your arm, and suddenly have him begin licking your forearm and segue into full on chewing. DAMN YOU, CORPSE GRINDERS!!! I’m sure Frankie’s attorney will attempt to use the “television” defense! HAHAHA!!!
HAHAHAHAH. Yeah, keep an eye on him just in case.
Years ago I was given 2 worry dolls that came in kind of a woven yellow box that looked like a casket to me. They freaked me out so I gave them to the Good Will. I did get a Voodoo doll with pins that I did use a bit with a very difficult manager until he told me how he suffers depression and apologized for his behavior when not keeping his meds in check or drinking too much while taking his meds. I felt really bad so that doll went to Good Will too!
I have a voodoo doll that I keep forgetting to bring in to work as someone I work with has expressed a desire for one.
Maybe you could pretend it was a duck and glue some goat hair to its head? Headaches suck. I used to get them back when I smoked cigarettes. They made working in a warehouse miserable, and the only thing I could find to keep them away was taurine, the stuff they put in energy drinks. I read Randy’s plot description aloud to Briana, and when I was done we both looked down at the cat, who was feigning sleep…
HAHAHA…watch that cat. We take taurine every day. It’s supposed to help with anxiety.
Some days, the best thing that happens to me is “I’m not on fire.”
The way my brain tells the story, the conclusion is always “…homeless…on fire…pneumonia…death.” So Guatemalan worry doll shoves dagger into ear, which makes me deaf, which makes me unemployable, which makes me homeless, and when I sleep, I will catch fire, and that will give me pneumonia, and then I will die. Why is pneumonia the outcome of catching fire? I don’t know. Why does pneumonia kill me when fire didn’t? I don’t know. What the fuck is wrong with my brain?
So, no thanks, no worry doll for me.
Oddly enough, our brains work much in the same way. I always end up with ovarian cancer, though.
This post made me think of that old, old made for tv movie Trilogy of Terror – the final segment with the Tiki Dolls – which is the only segment I remember after all these years (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trilogy_of_Terror)
I’m removing myself from the selection as after recalling that movie, I don’t want one of those things in my house! 😉
I did not see the Trilogy of Terror. I kind of wish I had.
It sounds to me like what you really need are Don’t Worry Dolls. These so called ‘worry’ dolls are just making you worry more…..
You’re exactly right. I need DON’T worry dolls.
For some reason all this talk of dolls under pillows reminds me of the scene in Dances With Wolves when Kicking Bird returns from a war party and is settling down with his wife in the teepee. He finds this doll under the buffalo skin, looks at it, shrugs his shoulders and tosses it. However, I think that was more of a “stress reliever” doll than a “worry” doll.
Why do I think about stuff like this? Don’t listen to me. I am so weird.
I like weird. Weird is my favorite.
me too with the cluster headaches this summer…wtf?
My worry dolls live in the cutlery drawer in my camper.
That’s a good place for them, right?
Right.
And untie that one from your monitor – it wants to be freeeeeee.
Hahha…yeah, it’s still there.