6 Do’s and Don’ts For Your Face

Posted on by under Humor

I see a shit ton of how-to articles in my timeline.

There are a lot of people who have a specific number of ways to improve your face, your ass, or your life.

I thought, you know, I can do that. I can offer valuable, practical advice on ways people can better themselves and lead more productive lives.

HAHAHAHFUCKINGHAHAHAHA

Wait a minute. Let me catch my breath.

HAHAHAAHAHA

No. No, I can’t do that. I haven’t balanced my checkbook in, well, ever and I already lost two Christmas presents I bought for this year. I don’t have any good cleaning tips. Although, if you have any, I could use them. I also can’t help with fashion, makeup, or purchasing bras that fit. dos-and-donts-for-your-face Again, if you have any suggestions on the best bra to buy when your boobs don’t actually conform to a specific cup. They need to grade bra cups on a curve. I need either a B+ or a C-. 

Still, just because I don’t have any good life hacks, doesn’t mean that I can’t make a few up. I promise, this will be damn good advice for any human.

  1. Don’t bob for fries in a deep fryer. I know hot fries are better than lame ass rubbery cold fries, but wait until they are out of the fryer. Unless, you want to look like Freddy Kruger. In which case, spray a little sugar water on your face before you slam it in to the fryer because I think that’s what they do to fast food fries to give them that brown, crispy exterior.
  2. Do remember to stop rubbing your eyes so much. I know that rubbing your eyes instead of punching your coworker keeps you from getting fired, but the tissue around your eyes is really fragile. Do you want a paycheck or do you want to try to stave off  wrinkly bags that are still coming no matter what you do?
  3. Don’t skimp on eye rolls. Rolling your eyes is exercise for the eyeballs. And exercise is good. At least that is what my doctor has been telling me. Although, this might not be great advice because I do a lot of eye rolling and my vision has been failing at a rapid pace.
  4. Do use coconut oil on your face. I don’t know why. I just know that people are rabidly positive about using coconut oil for cooking, cleaning, drafting your last will and testament, skin care, hair care, pest control and getting through one voice mail from your mother.
  5. Don’t use old makeup. At least that’s what I’ve read. Especially, old mascara. If your mascara is more than 3 months old, then it’s probably plotting your demise. Although, I have mascara that was around when Michael Jackson showed us the moonwalk. Okay, I am exaggerating. Not that old. Although, I do have mascara that is well beyond it’s first trimester. I realize I’m using a pregnancy term for mascara. Just go with it. Anyway, I throw it out when it dries up, or that “old mascara” smell gets too overwhelming. If you are a woman and you wear mascara, I know you know that distinctive “old mascara” smell.
  6. Do love your face. Seriously. Love your stupid face. I love your stupid face. I love my stupid face. If you don’t watch Doctor Who, then you’re definitely not going to get the “Amy Pond/I love your stupid face” reference and might feel slightly butt hurt that I called your face stupid. Trust me, it is said with nothing but love, stupid face. And we might as well love our faces. We only get the one. Unless, you are a master of disguise. Or you’re that one dude that Arya Stark was hanging with for a while. So, other than those circumstances, we only get the one face. Also, stop making that face whenever you read something that your creepy uncle posts on Facebook or it will freeze that way.

 

Let us not forget Dude. A few weeks ago, we took Dude grocery shopping at Jungle Jim’s. Always busy, JJ’s is a one-of-a-kind mega sized grocery store with plenty of Dude photo ops. At first, I felt a lot of anxiety shopping with a grinning, orange dog. Eventually, we had a good time.

Dude Goes Grocery Shopping

 

43 Thoughts.

  1. Your post earns its right to exist just on the strength of the link to Jungle Jim’s website. That gave me the best laugh I’ve had all day (I just got up, but…). I want to go there, even though it’s a two-day drive from my house. My stepson and I laughed hysterically on our first visit to the Rainforest Cafe, when we saw two people who appeared to be on a first date there. You ever go to one of those? Not really first date material.
    P.S. This probably strikes you as bizarre, but your blog is really helping me get through all this. “This” being an acronym for “hopefully-temporary-hell-on-earth-political-scenario.”
    Thank you.

    Reply

    • Jungle Jim’s is pretty awesome. And no Rain Forest cafe for a first date? HAHAHAHA someone didn’t think that through.

      Thank you, that means a lot to me and it helps me get through “all this”. It’s been really hard, hasn’t it? Good thing we’re not alone. 🙂

      Reply

  2. I put coconut oil on my face, so there.

    Yeah, my how-to lists would be like: How To Be Annoyed at Work, How To Be the Weirdo in the Neighborhood, How To Make an Ass of Oneself on the Daily.

    I did not blink at the mentioning of the trimester. Made perfect sense to me.

    Bra grading – yesss!!! Also, steak cooking. There should be something in between medium and medium well. Medium +, or Medium Well – or some such shit, right?

    # 5 is muy importante. Old makeup is no joke. I used old mascara and got a follicular infection in my eyelashes. It’s just as sexy as it sounds.

    Reply

    • Ewwww that sounds awful. I’ve been lucky so far. I’ve used coconut oil on my face as well, it is pretty awesome. I tried oil pulling with it once and that wasn’t so awesome.

      Reply

  3. I have a Dude. He is a bearded dragon. I am sure he would not enjoy shopping, even at JJs.
    Thanks for your stupid face. I use coconut oil on mine.

    Reply

  4. Hi-ya. I’m a lurker, but I’m also a fan. I read all of your posts, and love all of them. You make me laugh, you make me cry, you rip my heart out, pat it on its bloody back, and then put it back in again. I’m an old broad who survived a… let’s be PC and call it a “challenging” childhood… and the election put me into a temporary tailspin. Your posts help. They really do.

    So HAPPY THANKSGIVING, dear lady. At least we can be grateful that disgusting lizard Newt won’t be on the cabinet. 🙂

    Reply

  6. My boss just got eyelash extensions. LOVE THEM!
    But….

    I love your stupid face, too. Even if I’ve never seen it in person 😀

    *cuddly-pinches NastyMichelle’s stupid-cute cheeks*

    Reply

  7. You are hilarious and your television references are, of course, genius. Since you asked (yes this is shit I ACTUALLY do) – Use mouthwash in the toilet bowl. If it can get your mouth minty fresh, it can do the same for that other enamel. I use Burt’s Bees Makeup Remover Wipes on my face. After I’m done, I use it to wipe down the sink. There’s a little oil in them and it helps get rid of that hard-water ring around the handles, plus it makes my whole bathroom smell like Grapefruit (I like the grapefruit kind). And try Hanes.com for bras. I use the kind that are padded, so it fills in the gaps and makes my boobs balance out my big butt more. Happy Thanksgiving!

    Reply

  8. Ok theres this stuff on amazon called spray and walk away shower cleaner and it is the MF bomb. Also, dont rub your eyes- cover them wurh your palms. You will see this kick ass light show from inside your eyeballs. When it actually looks dark, your brain has settled a bit. Helps prevent headaches and free psychadelic memories!

    Reply

  9. So. Where are the pictures of Dude? I wait all week for those. I actually saw one for sale (Amazon? E-bay? – Can’t remember) for $25.00. But I have a Soupy Sales style Pookie and while also orangish, I suspect they would fight like, well, cats and dogs!

    Reply

  10. Bless your heart! I devour every post and only wish they were longer or more frequent. And yes have helped me through this “swamp”. A I’m a therapist!! Hugs!

    Reply

  14. I avoid using old makeup by always buying new makeup and never ever ever being satisfied with what I’ve got. I used to waste a fortune on new palettes each year, but now I buy singles constantly, which get dropped and break or just aren’t quite what I want and get chucked in a drawer. (At last count, I had over 400 distinct eyeshadow shades.)

    Reply

  15. Playtex used to make a line called Almost Perfectly (they still might do it). They basically had the B+/C- available….

    My solution for the old makeup thing is Elf cosmetics. Mascara runs $2 or $3. I don’t feel bad pitching it after four or five months. (Available at WM and Target :))

    Reply

    • Oh yeah – and the only two cleaning hints I know: #1 – Sprinkle baking soda over the bottom of your gross bathtub. Pour vinegar on top. Go away for 20 minutes. Come back and scum comes right off with a mild scrubbing.

      #2 – Shiny chrome is possible. Wipe it down with rubbing alcohol.

      Reply

  17. Hilarious as ever, Michelle, thank you.
    I esp. appreciate the advice to spray one’s face with sugar water before dipping it in the frier for that extra cripy look. Freddy Kruger!!!! Lol.
    [Caveat: But not funny if you have suffered life altering facial burns- we live in a highly litigious society, y’all.]
    I used to holiday in the south of France (dahhhling) in a caravan, so not that glam, lol, and am sure the old wrinklies on the beach had taken that advice.
    Thinking about it, maybe they weren’t actually that old??? Just….fried?

    Reply

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