Emptyish nest has its perks.
We have all adult children now. One of those adults is barely an adult and still lives with us. But he has a job and a social life, so we don’t see him much.
You know when your kids are little you have a whole “catch as catch can” sex life? Well, a bonus of empty nest is you don’t have that problem anymore. Downside, if you’re just not feeling it, you no longer have the “ohhh…we should probably wait until he goes to sleep” excuse.
Still, I’m counting having regular grown up time as a big plus.
Besides, who needs excuses when the word “no” exists?
Sometimes, Randy doesn’t use our grown up time wisely. He has good intentions, but his road to hell is 
paved with good intentions and ADD. And he is often compelled to say everything in his head.
Me: What time is Joey coming home from work?
Randy: I don’t know for sure. After 8:00.
Me: That’s hours away.
Randy: Are you flirting with me? Please note, when Randy speaks this phrase, he says it like Mallory Knox in Natural Born Killers.
Me: I suppose. Will you put lotion on my back, it itches like a motherfucker.
Randy: Come to Butthead.
Me:…
Randy: Not that sticky lotion. I hate that sticky lotion.
Me: Okay. Then I gave him the sticky lotion.
Me: My skin is so dried out. Is it shedding real bad?
Randy: Not yet, but it’s going to.
Me: I’m like a snake.
Randy: Like?
Me:…
Randy: You’re not like a snake.
Me: You are minutes from getting laid and you are calling me a snake? You’re doing this wrong.
Randy:…
While he put lotion on my back, I told him an idea for a post.
Randy: I don’t know. Those types of posts don’t work. They’re not that funny.
Me: So, I am a snake with shitty ideas who isn’t funny. I am so turned on right now.
Randy: I can’t help it if you’re a snake. You are just like a snake. You’re hot when you should be cold and you’re cold when you should be hot.
Me:…
Me: Dude, I am disturbed by how little you know about snakes.
Me: That makes no sense in every single way. A snake should never be cold instead of hot. And if a snake is cold instead of hot, then it’s probably dead.
Randy: I wonder how far snakes have to be in the ground to hibernate?
Me: I don’t know. I don’t know that much about snakes, either.
Randy: There are snakes in the ground outside right now.
Me: On our property? Fucking snakes hibernating on our property?
Randy: Yes.
Me: This is bullshit.
Randy: They’re trespassing.
Me: I am tired of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking property.
Randy: When you do think Joey will be home?
Me: No idea. I’m distracted thinking about hibernating snakes now.
Randy: Want to watch Simon’s Cat videos?
Me: sure.
Turns out, the cat videos were the right choice, Joey got off work early and was home less than 10 minutes after the snake conversation. We totally need 13 to 37 minutes.
Photo courtesy of LouAnn Clark
Hahahaha!!!!!!
Love you, gorgeous!
THANK YOU – I SO needed a solid laugh this morning! 🙂
YAY! That was my goal!
Oh so glad I found you. This was great!
Thank you so much! I am so glad you are here!
OMG, dying. I’d like to post a funny conversation I had with Drummer Boy yesterday, but it was in such poor taste that I’d lose all three of my readers. Maybe I should hand him the sticky lotion and see what develops.
HAHAHHA. Not gonna lie, I was a little hesitant about this one because I never talk about sex. Well, rarely.
Not gonna lie…I’m a little turned on right now.
Hahhaha…you’re welcome.
At least with a somewhat empty nest you now have time to hibernate.
That would be great. My insomnia says otherwise.
For many many many years now, I’ve tried not to say, ‘Fuck you’ by saying, ‘Fuck me not.’ Sometimes, I drop the ‘not’ and Tim gets all happy… you know, with words like, “Now?”
I try to tell him it’s just an expression.
Hahah..Randy reacts the same way.
This was about sex? I thought it was about snakes! Like you being the female version of Marlin Perkins on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. Hahaha!!! Just kidding, I kind of knew it was about sex, with “hibernating snake” as a euphemism. Randy: “Reach into the hole and grab the hibernating snake, Michelle! He has sticky lotion, too!” WTF is going on with ME today? I must seriously be losing my shit! 😀
HAHAHAHHA..sometimes a snake is just a snake.
Now I am worried about snakes hibernating!
They won’t bother you. But watch out in the spring.
This.is.me.
Ok, minus the snakes because I live in NZ, but you know what I mean. Almost empty nest and lots of “we totally missed a really good sex-tunity” (I was trying to be clever there but it wasn’t my best work) because we’ve just spent the last 9 minutes talking about fungal infections and now I’m A) about as turned on as a pot plant and B) the kids just got home.
Oh how I feel you.
HAHAHAHHA
“Well in this casino, you can drink a chino,
And it’s gotcha swingin’ to the cha cha
Dance the bolero in a sombrero.
Shake like a snake! ”
I know you know where that is from…
SCOTS!!!!
My friend Sara is terrified of snakes (and spiders, and mice…) so when she moved in with her boyfriend Trevor, he lied to her and told her that Truckee was “above the snake line”, which near as I can tell, is some kind of biblical reference, but not an actual line of altitude after which no snakes can be found.
She was pissed when she found out, but her terror was mostly distracted by the bears…
I’m not completely sure, but I might have laughed harder at that than I should have. 🙂
When I read this title, I thought it was going to be about trump. Empty nest sex and hibernating snakes is soooo much better. Thank you for the much needed laugh.
Yeah, I am so fucking tired of all that is trump. I mean, I’m staying informed..making my calls..doing what i can. But I can’t write about that shit all the time. It’s too goddamn depressing.
Oh my Gawd- I love it. I kept waiting for one of you to say “It puts the lotion in the basket” or it puts the lotion on my skin or it gets the hose again!
You guys seem to have so much fun together, what a gift. I have a really empty nest, it’s just me and the animals, but I don’t mind because the remote is all mine now!
Thanks for being you Michelle.
Thank you! And I believe we HAVE made that reference before. Hahaha
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh my gosh this was hilarious, Michelle! Thanks for the peek into your amazzzzzing love life! lol
Still thinking about those hibernating snakes in the ground outside your house?
I am.
😉
I think about snakes far too often..
So funny… and never is a snake just a snake.
So I guess you know now how to calm Randy’s passion anytime, should you not be feeling it: just get him to rub sticky stuff (ie no, not THAT) on your back.
I so did mean lotion, honest.
Hahahaha…don’t give him ideas that will just get him in to trouble.
creepy… tbh i once held a snake and man i was about to pee with fear lol….. it was a great experience but i was scared to death
Yeah, I am not fond of them at all