I read a post by Jana at Stop Me If I Told You This about her first marriage ending. It’s fascinating and heartbreaking and I love reading all her posts. You should give her a read.
It made me think about my first wedding.
You know how when you know something isn’t quite right because you see figurative red flags waving?
I had literal fire warnings, yet I plowed through like a tight rope walker without a net. Over a pit of sharks. With frickin laser beams.
I mentioned my first husband a few times in previous blog posts. He is the father to my older son and honestly, I can’t say anything bad about him now. We don’t have reason to talk to each other much, but when we do, it’s always pleasant and there’s usually at least 20 minutes dedicated to the ‘Hey, remember that one time’ stories.
Still, we were not suited for each other. Middle Sister knew it. I don’t know if she remembers trying to talk me out of it. Even up to the day of the wedding. She told me we could just leave. Just walk out. She was 18 years old at the time and a fuck ton smarter than I was.
It wasn’t just humans that knew the wedding shouldn’t take place. Fire knew as well.
It started with the actual ceremony. We chose to employ the unity candle.
The candle wouldn’t fucking light. I was standing on a church alter in front of a completely packed church in a long heavy dress and I could feel the flop sweat starting to pool up under my borrowed veil, ready to gush out and destroy the makeup that I had to have applied twice that day. The minister had to get a pocket knife out of his pocket (thank god he brought tools) and dig around in the candle to find the wick. That part was supposed to take about 15 seconds. It ended up taking 13 hours. Or maybe it was 5 minutes that felt like 13 hours.
This is the first attempt at makeup, I had it done and I hated it. And this was before I had my hair done. I didn’t walk down the aisle looking like a poodle. An unkempt poodle. Randy says this is my ‘I’m very stressed out’ face.
The ceremony ended and we got through the reception without incident, well mostly. On the surface, it didn’t look like much, but in my head, this was huge. Dealing with large groups of people is difficult for me. There were about 350 people at my wedding reception. At one point, I tried to escape the crowd by sitting at a table with some of my work friends. They were chatting and laughing and I felt like I was intruding. My boss, Kathy, looks up and says “Oh my gosh, I didn’t even SEE you there”. This is the curse of the socially awkward, I wanted to blend into the crowd, but I didn’t want to be invisible either. I was the goddamn bride, I was supposed to be shooting glowing bolts of gorgeous light from my eyeballs. Yet, I was still the uncool kid sitting at the edge of the table.
I guess fire decided that if it couldn’t stop the wedding by failing to show up, then it would attempt to end the marriage by doing the opposite on the honeymoon.
My first husband worked for an airline so we could fly for free on standby. We decided to spend a week in the Cayman Islands. This was 1986 so a lot might have changed since then, but if not, I highly recommend visiting. It was lovely.
I did not realize they had their own currency which in retrospect, was stupid on my part and the fact that our money was worth 2o% less than their currency put a crimp in our budget.
But it would be fun. We were young and in love and we could buy bread and peanut butter instead of going out to eat.
There are two things that really stand out for me on that trip.
One, was that no matter where we went, we heard the song Nikita by Elton John. The live band in the hotel lobby played it four times in a row when we were checking in. I bet I heard that song five times a day while we were there.
The second thing that stands out is our hotel burned down on the second night.
Okay, our actual room didn’t burn, but we had to evacuate and spent the night on the beach with huge Palmetto bugs. We can call them Palmetto bugs, but they’re monster roaches. Yes. They. Are.
We had to be relocated. The hotel found an absolutely beautiful ocean front condo right on the beach for us. It had two bedrooms, a huge balcony and was everything we couldn’t afford. There was just one teeny little thing wrong with it. We had to share it with another couple. Lou and Kelly from New Jersey. They got married the same day we did and were on their honeymoon as well. Lou and Kelly fought. A lot. Wonder if they’re still married?
I don’t want to say that the stress of having to share a condo with complete strangers because of a fire doomed our marriage. I’m sure it was doomed from the start, but I don’t think it helped any, either.
Oddly enough, the second time I got married was an even bigger disaster.
Thank the stars Randy came along when he did, or I might have decided being married just wasn’t for me.
Holy shit. (O.O) I’m speechless.
Shoulda known, right?
That does sound like a disaster from the start – glad you found Randy !!!!
Have a great week !
Me
Thank you!!!! You have a great week too!!!
And yes…the fire stuff wasn’t the worst of it….but still.
Holy conflagration, Batman! All that really should have been a hint…
The fact that he cheated on me five months before the wedding was an even bigger hint..
Your luck is about as wonderful as mine apparently.
🙂
My first husband didn’t bother giving our mutual friends the wedding invitations (that cost a fortune ), as he didn’t think they’d come, this was one of the few jobs he’d been given to do re the wedding. They didn’t come obviously as they hadn’t been invited, unbeknownst to me at the time, so we were somewhat light on guests. The week after we’d had the full white wedding he announced that he didn’t love me, it was all a huge mistake and he’d been too chicken to back out of it. I was devastated, but I stuck with that marriage for 5 years. I should have walked away at that point, but divorce was not something people in our families did, though they do now!. Self esteem was obviously an issue for me and that certainly didn’t help.
>
Number 2 as you know has been a spectacular disaster lasting 18 years now as the winding up part is still ongoing, but at least I’m single again.
Number 3? I very much doubt it
I am so glad you are single again!!
We are amazingly bad ass, aren’t we?
Oh, KK — that made my heart hurt for young you that you got that horrible news from husband #1 right after the marriage and than had to stick with the marriage for the five years knowing what you knew. And condolences on #2 as well — I’m in the same boat and pretty much feel the same way about #3.
OMG, i look back on the stupid things that happened during my first wedding…..and think “WTF, there was more than one sign” Rehearsal- half the wedding party late….then the priest turned the lights out on us to get us to leave because he was impatient. Get to rehearsal dinner and the guys (groom, best man) show up in a semi truck, because best man’s “pimp mobile” broke down between the two locations. Day of the wedding, Best man forgot the rings, vehicle we were riding from wedding to reception broke down…dead stopped on a inside lane of 4 lane road. Can’t say I shouldn’t have seen that divorce coming…lol
Hahahah…oh man..that’s pretty bad..
My first marriage was one of those candle ceremonies. Our center candle didn’t light either. If I’d have had sense I would’ve turned around right then and there. As it was my first marriage lasted 6 years, 6 months, and 6 days. That’s what I tell folks. Dunno, don’t want to think about it.
Yep, if even one of the Elements tries to intercede, listen.
Haahahah..yeah…the 666 thing might be an even bigger sign than fire.
Sort of like that Steve Martin movie (The man with two brains?) where he says to the portrait of his father: If I shouldn’t do this just show me some kind of sign…
The only weddings I ever really liked were the ones my band got to play the reception of.
I am a sucker for marriage proposal videos, though.
OMG, I am too. I will cry every single time.
Love this post!
“The second thing that stands out is our hotel burned down on the second night.”
Laughing my ass off!
Here is a link to most of my weddings:
“Goin’ to the Chapel’
I hope you find time to read it.
(There is music, et l’amour…)
http://wp.me/p2Yfgl-1bR
I just read it! Awesome!!!
There is a picture from my first wedding where I am on his lap on a swing in the park and have a terrible scowl on my face looking at him. That was the answer not even a sign! The second one, I was sitting in the foyer waiting to go down the aisle and had a horrible feeling that there was ‘something’ wrong. I didn’t think there were any doubts before that moment, but knew shortly afterward that it was something! A lot. Of. Things. Everything! Narcissism! Aargh! They say third time is a charm, but not sure I can ever go there again. I will love. I will commit. I will not sign the paper.
I didn’t want to get married the third time…I was happy with Randy without it..but it meant a lot to him and as it turns out, I’m really glad we did..but we were lucky.
Married a narcissist..you poor girl. I”m so sorry to hear that. What a fucking nightmare.
It would only be a nightmare if I could wake up from it! Sigh. We are supposed to come out of life’s challenges stronger, right? I must be a fucking rhinoceros by now.
I hear you! I should be able to lift planets by now.
Sweet Michelle! Thanks for the kind words about my little blog! Your story made me both laugh, feel sad for you, and conjured memories of my experiences with The Loser — you’ve definitely inspired more posts about him in the near future! I just can’t imagine having to share your “honeymoon suite” with a couple who is fighting like cats and dogs — that is just incredible! Perhaps they, like me, confused fighting with “passion” — I had so much “passion” the night before my wedding with The Loser that I had eyes still so swollen from crying that my wedding photographs look like I had gone ten boxing rounds and been on the losing end of all of them. I was so stupid back then — here’s hoping I’ve learned a bit between then and now!
You’re welcome! And I can’t WAIT to read them.
We got divorced so many years ago. We split at the end of 1989 when my son was 2. The whole trip is just snapshots in my head. With the song Nikita playing in the background. That was so weird..it played EVERYWHERE. Bizarre.
The hotel burned down?! Oh my god. I think yes, there were maybe some signs that you missed, lol. Love the pic!
haha…I wouldn’t change anything, since I got my big goofy son out of the deal..
Totally freakin’ fantastic. I love it when life feels like really bad poetry.
Hahah..yeah. never looked at it that way…or maybe just a really bad country song. Which is a kind of poetry, I guess.
AHHH WE ALL NEEEED A RANDY.
HAH!!!
I agree, Carla..the world would be an interesting and much weirder place if we all had Randys.
Oh my goodness. I also had a wedding that was telling me to walk away. But it took 21 hard years before I listened. The part that I most identify with, though is being the socially awkward bride. I’ve actually blacked out most of my wedding ceremony due to the extreme stress of being the focal point of 150 pairs of eyes. The reception was just a gauntlet of social anxiety. Next time I’m eloping.
Randy and I got married at the Sedgewick county courthouse in Wichita, KS. It was the best wedding ever.
Ha! That feeling that something wasn’t right — confirmed by fire! Classic. I, too, had some red flags, but not in flames. “Almost a Runaway Bride” http://wp.me/p1sXPw-4W
Ohhh…off to read that now. Thanks for giving me something other than work to do on a Monday morning. 🙂
My biggest red flags:
At ceremony, husband-to-be had “help me” written on the bottom of his shoes so it could read by the congregation when we kneeled at the altar.
On our honeymoon, he commented it would have been nice to have another couple along, to do stuff with (not in THAT way… but to have some folks to hang out with, socialize, etc)
Yah, we got divorced when he decided being married wasn’t for him, but yet professed he did not believe in divorce. He’s now engaged for the third time. Asshat.
What. A. Dick.
You are so better off without that shit.
As much as I love funny disaster stories (the Palmetto bugs, Lou, and Kelly had me laughing) I love happy endings even more. And I’m so glad this story had a happy ending. It’s too bad you had to wade through all that to get to Randy. I know some people will say it just made you appreciate him even more, but I think you would have appreciated him even without the Palmetto bugs.
Hahah..yes. Yes I would have appreciated him even without the Palmetto bugs.
I’ve had the great misfortune of being a part of the catering staff at more weddings than should be legal and it is a common saying amongst us invisible, uninvited guests “The bigger the wedding, the shorter the marriage”. Glad you got lucky with your final beau – third times a charm!
Well, it’s not always charming..but it mostly is. Thank you! 🙂
I love you and Jana. SO. MUCH.
My first wedding was pretty bad too. I remember my mom and sister talking in the limo about how “it wasn’t going to last.” Rude, but they were right. I had my hair done up in this austere chignon that highlighted my double chin and I just didn’t feel pretty. At one point during the reception my brother-in-law found some puke on the floor and expected *me* to do something about it. Then when my ex-husband and I got back to the hotel room, we couldn’t NOT FUCK fast enough. Like you say. Signs. Everywhere.
Hahahah…couldn’t NOT FUCK fast enough. That is hilarious.
I’ve only been married once, but this makes me realize how fortunate I am that he’s not a complete asshole (most of the time). I too have been an “uninvited guest” at many weddings (my mom ran a catering company) and I wonder if all those couples are still married–the one where they had both just graduated from college the week before, the one where they frosted a Styrofoam block as the base of the wedding cake because they wanted a much bigger cake than they needed or could afford, and my favorite: the one where one of the bridesmaids picked up a big breadstick (they were made with croissant dough), called down the buffet line to another bridesmaid to watch her slide the breadstick in and out of her mouth in front of a room full of people, and then REPLACED THE BREADSTICK ON THE PILE (that was a super classy affair, as you can probably tell).
Holy crap.
I mean, if my mom wasn’t watching..I MIGHT do the breadstick thing…but I wouldn’t have put it back in the pile.
Palmetto bugs; envoys of the devil. They were definitely a warning that things were going to go south.
That is what they are, aren’t they? Creepy, creepy bastards
Three things:
I spit out my coffee reading, “The second thing that stands out is our hotel burned down on the second night.”
I’m grateful for Randy too.
I now have Beavis screaming “FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!” on repeat in my head.
Hahah..yeah..it was an interesting honeymoon.
Beavis…and they took the ‘fire’ away from him. That was dumb.
Randy is the shit. 🙂