When Randy and I Skype with our mountain friends on Friday nights, there is always an adventure of some sort.
For instance, one recent evening, Skype started using voice recognition and displaying our conversation at the bottom of the screen. We don’t know why that happened, we couldn’t get it to turn off, and it’s never been back.
What we did do, was see how garbled we could make the words appear. You’d be surprised how long we entertained ourselves with this. Or maybe not.
We spent a lot of time trying to trick the service into saying “fuck”, but it was having none of it.
Another night, we created the phrase “Fairy zygote mother”.
I wrote it down.
I looked at it for weeks. I loved the phrase, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what I could do with it. What the fuck is a fairy zygote 
mother?
Therein lies my problem. I needed a definition.
The way I see it, we have a few options. A fairy zygote mother could be a fairy godmother for zygotes, but really, I think that would be one bored ass fairy because I don’t think zygotes make a lot of wishes. I could be wrong, I don’t remember my zygote phase. But really, what would be worse than some bored ass, cranky fairies? Nothing good would come of it. There would be drive by glitter bombings and other shenanigans coming from roaming bands of dissatisfied fairy godmothers. Fun fact: A group of fairy godmothers is known as a “fishnet”. A fishnet of fairy godmothers.
Another option would be a fairy godmother the size of a zygote. But this isn’t practical. A zygote is way smaller than a who and it took a long time before Horton heard a who. We would never know when they were talking to us and when were making our wishes, they might be on break or something and we would never know it. We’d lose confidence in our fairy zygote mothers and they would be hoarse from shouting. I think this ends with upset fairies, just like the last scenario.
The option that makes most sense to me, is that our fairy zygote mother is your standard fairy godmother size, but they grant just the teeniest of wishes. Itty bitty tiny wishes. If you’re lucky enough to have a fairy zygote mother, then you are granted 3 wishes a day. But they aren’t big wishes. You can wish for things like “make my left, big toe stop itching” or “make the chair in the next cubicle stop being so squeaky”.
It may seem, at first, that having a fairy zygote mother who grants itsy bitsy wishes wouldn’t be that great. But think about it. Her wish granting would have a cumulative affect. For instance, three times a day, you have a minor annoyance removed, which shifts your day just enough to be a little more productive than the day before. Then after a few months, you will see some positive changes in your life, like paying your bills on time or getting your lunch made for work the night before.
Okay, so maybe having a fairy zygote mother wouldn’t be a huge help, but at least that scenario wouldn’t involve a rise in fairy godmother crime.
I truly don’t think people understand the kind of damage fairy godmothers could do. Especially if they’re in a fishnet egging each other on.
Or is that too silly?
We will be spending a lot of in person time with out mountain friends this summer. I am so looking forward to our future absurd conversations. I also hope I don’t lose consciousness and vomit all over their deck like I did last year.
Wish me luck.
I’ll have one please – I’m sure I could come up with three mini-wishes a day to keep her busy and out of trouble. Does she do green traffic lights and good parking spots?
ooohh…yeah..I would use all mine on green lights.
Good luck on not vomiting all over their deck, but take comfort in knowing that they invited you back. When you throw up on a friend’s deck and they still want you to visit that’s a true friend.
And I like your fairy zygote mother. I was afraid she might be like the Tooth Fairy who takes teeth and leaves money. What does she do with those teeth and where does she get the money?
These are questions with disturbing implications.
She probably makes those creepy dolls that have human teeth? For all that is holy, those things are weird. You should google it. Only if you never want to sleep again.
And now all I can see in my head is a roving gang of kind of skanky fairy godmothers wearing fishnet stockings and whacking unsuspecting passersby with their wands. Kind of Monty Python-esque!
It’s kind of glorious, isn’t it?
There are some days that I wish I lived in your head. Then there are some days when you write about fairy zygote mothers and I wonder if I lived in your head whether I’d still be sane when I decided to move out. Then there are days when I wonder if I’m really sane anyway – so what does it matter.
Hahahaha…I am truly not sure how that would turn out for you. 🙂
I could use one of those fairy zygote mothers, I would combine the three little wishes and ask her to have my hair look clean every day. Without washing it. That would be a life worth living.
Wouldn’t that be awesome? I would love that
Now I know what I’m dressing up as for Halloween this year! I am going to ROCK the Fairy Zygote Mother kingdom! Come to think of it, a FZM probably isn’t a far stretch from being a Psychotic Douche Twizzle! I’ll just trade my tambourine for a wand. 🙂
Give my best to Mountain Girl and Bass Player! I’m loving their music!!! <3
I will!! That will make then so happy. And I will need to see a picture of that halloween getup. haha.
I’ll hold your tambourine and you can use my wand!
You are going to be MY Fairy Zygote Mother.
‘K?
(Can you use my wand on me or is that against the rules?)
I want to be in a FishNet. I want to be glitter bombed and silver dollar torpedoed! I want to do it too. I am a Fairy God Mother and I want my due respect and I want it now!
Hahaha..me too!!
My brain keeps trying to change “fairy zygote mother” to “fairy goat mother”, which would be the worst thing ever because she would probably just fly up, headbutt you, chew holes in your clothing, and then, like, leave you some cheese or something. All the while staring at you with her creepy rectangular-pupiled goat eyes.
So with that in mind I think I can sum up the fairy zygote mother in one word: preferable.
HAHAHAHAHHA
I’m glad you’re okay now! I have been under that stress weight for weeks now searching for a new home. It’s awful and I really don’t know how much more I can take!
I am so sorry..I am right there with you. Good thing we’re badasses. 🙂
Why is “fairy zygote mother” making me think of tadpoles? Wait, you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to; no-one is responsible for my insanity but me…
I don’t know… I know some pretty demanding ass bitches who probably were all “I want, I want, I want, I want!” even in their zygote stage.
But I like your definition better, and now I’m thinking of what my 3 wishes will be for today:
1) That none of the cats puke.
2) That none of the cats puke.
3) That none of the cats puke.
I was going to go a different direction, but, really, when I started thinking about it, not having the cats puke seemed like a pretty big ask, so I am calculating that the fairy won’t think it’s TOO big if I trade in my three smaller wishes for only one slightly larger wish.
Damn.
I just made this all sorts of more complicated than it needs to be. I bet my Fairy Zygote Mother is just as disappointed in me as my real mother.
Okay.
That was a dark turn.
I’m done.
No, for real. I HAVE TO STOP TYPING.
HAHAAHHA…it’s like we’re related.
I’m envious every time you talk about your mountain friends – they sound spectacular and their place sounds lovely. I’m sure you’ll be fine this time – just don’t drink too much, or eat shellfish (“Mom always says, “Don’t ever eat nothin’ that can carry its house around with it. Who knows the last time it’s been cleaned.”), or exert yourself to the point of dizziness. Basically, just sit and relax – that should be safe.
I will be fine. And we will be going there this weekend. I can’t wait. Joey is going to spend a week with them and we’re taking him down and just spending one night, but still…one night is better than no nights
You nailed it! I’ve had a Fairy Zygote Mother for years but could never identify her. Usually I just refer to her as the Goddess. I’ve felt her following me in the shadows and sometimes flitting past my ears.
Do you think it would be OK for me to give her a name?
I am not aware of proper fairy godmother etiquette, but I would think naming yours would be awesome