This change is so hard for me.
I went back and reread the recent posts I’ve written about anxiety and how I’m feeling and it occurred to me that I really only skimmed the surface.
I do not feel like I made a mistake taking this new job.
Except that’s not the truth. There is a part of me that truly believes I would be better off at my old job. It was safe. And I had twice as much vacation time.
The difference in environment is overwhelming. My old job was in a more traditional office. This job? This job, it’s like I’m walking into someone’s house during a loud family reunion.
I was unhappy at my old job. I did as little as possible over the past few years. The days were long and boring and depressing. but not stressful.
Now I work all day. Not only am I learning new things, I am not resisting learning new things. I am going to have so much more responsibility.
Randy says I’m going to be a rock star. I’m just worried they will find out that I’m not that great of a programmer and I won’t fit in their work family.
These aren’t bad changes. I want to find out who I was when I cared about my work, because I can barely remember what she is like.
The change is difficult.Things look different and sound different and life has taken on a surreal quality and no matter how much I talk myself off the ledge of anxiety, I never get away from it.
It smells different at the new place. It’s retail. They sells spas and fire places and furniture and pools. It smells like summer inside. I walk through a showroom and up a huge flight of stairs. Like the staircase in Tara only industrial looking.
I feel like the anxiety has lifted a veil. I’m seeing life for what it is. Scary and bleak and always on the edge of spiraling into a reality that I can’t cope with. I see how close that abyss has always been.
This feels like the truth.
I stood out on my deck last night. There is still snow on the ground that reflected the moonlight so it was like twilight instead of midnight. The trees along my back fence looked fuzzy and black and quite beautiful.
I felt anxious at the end of Summer because I knew that Winter was coming and I didn’t want it to change. I wanted the leaves on the trees and flowers in the yard. I didn’t know anything about this new job then. My anxiety over the changing seasons was nothing. I fucking had no clue how bad my anxiety would get in 2o14.
Just once, when I fall down the rabbit hole, it would be nice if Wonderland was all about the unbirthday parties and there was no red queen. Well, maybe there could be a red queen if she was chill and not into the beheading.
Then there is this: I have been watching the gift giving going on in the Bloggess’s comments and I just immersed myself in people who were doing good. I read stories of people who are suffering and then helped by complete strangers. It’s the best thing I’ve seen all month. Maybe all year.
This anxiety I feel? How it seems everything is strange and off and not mine? It’s holding me back. Maybe this job is exactly what I needed. I spent 7 years in an environment that was demoralizing. I was undervalued and it was an atmosphere were bullying wasn’t only tolerated, it was rewarded.
It occurs to me that it’s more pleasant to look at home theater displays on my way to my cubicle than walking through a lobby of dead deer heads like at my old job.
Maybe this new job is where I fall back and let some of these wounds dry up.
Perhaps I should just go ahead and let these new people be kind to me.
Either way I go, it’s the weekend and I’m going to keep reminding myself to relax until the knots in my shoulder blades go away. I’m going to bake cookies and make chocolate covered pretzels and wrap presents. I am going to listen to music with Randy. When I feel myself choking up, I am going to remind myself that my new ‘normal’ isn’t far away.
There are good people. I have a good life and all my stress is over things that haven’t happened. Sure, they might happen. But they haven’t. If it feels like life is unreal it’s because I’m trying to force myself to live a place that doesn’t exist.
I’m going to do my best to not beat myself up over feeling anxious. I am going to bake.
My wish for you during the holidays is that you find peace.
Edited to add:
The place that has felt safe and solid and welcoming is here. I cannot convey how important this blogging community has been to be and how very much I appreciate all the support I’ve been given. XXXOOO
Before I started blogging, I never realized I could love and be loved by people I’ve never even met. I hope you know how much we’re in your corner, girl.
I DO know! And it helps so much. It’s like a security blanket or a life line.
*punches the air* YESSSSS!!!!! 😀 😀 😀
I love this. You’re going to be okay. 😀
I AM going to be okay! Thank you, sugar pop!!
Anxiety. I get it. I have it, especially this time of year. I swear I must have been a bear in a past life because all I really want to do is hibernate…I sleep more and eat less in the winter. I am less alert (except to others’ sickness, because that’s what I get most anxious about).
And it helps to write about it where others can read it. At least it has helped me. And a huge YES to not beating ourselves up for it.
I am wishing you as much peace and contentment as you can muster for now. <3
Thank you so much. It’s so comforting to know that other people really understand this.
Just a friendly reminder (aka subtle nudging and cajoling) that as few as 10 minutes of cardio activity can reduce anxiety. Jog in place. Walk the halls and corridors of your new office. Get on a treadmill or bike at a gym. Sorta don’t think you want to bike ride in the snow, but getting wet, cold wintery stuff up the backside could have an upside! You are so strong! You can do it!
I have been!! I am so proud of myself. I’ve been working out every day and I think that is keeping me going.
youre going to be a rock star. Your real value is on your creativity, which is so, so evident here. The nuts and bolts of any job are just that. The valuable employees have that “somethjng else”. And that’s you!
Thank you so much! Just what I needed to hear.
Holy shit! I’m going to know a rock star!!!
HAHAHAH..yep that is me…a rock star
Michelle,
First, I thank you for being honest and open and not sugar-coating while shoving rainbows and roses up peoples’ backsides.
Second, allow yourself time to be anxious, time to be unsure, and even time to panic. Then allow yourself time to just breathe, to believe your husband’s words, and yes, allow people to just be kind to you.
Third, I wish you peace deep in your soul – during the holiday season and as you enter the new year.
Thank you for providing a “comfort zone” for so many of us here on your site.
Best,
Karen
Thank you so much. I hope you know how much I really appreciate your support
I started a new job this year (two actually). My old job involved working between 60 and 80 hours every week and demanding the same from the people under me. It also involved a manager who had so little respect for me that he would sit in front of me and adjust his nuts.
This new job, I work out of my home office. I work normal hours and have pretty much 100% control over my schedule. No click to punch, nothing.
It’s liberating but at the same time terrifying. So I kind of get where you’re coming from.
Oh god…your old boss sounds like a gem. I had one of those once. Nauseating. here’s to 2015 being kind to us!
Depression sucks, but by its very nature, it can feel like a cocoon–isolating, damp, and cold, but still kind of comforting. Anxiety is the opposite–more like being on top of a skyscraper with the wind blowing past and vertigo setting in.
Just keep in mind that they’re both filthy liars–even though they both claim they’re acting in your best interest. They’re not.
I’m glad you’ve moved to a place where you can stretch and grow, even if it makes you uncomfortable for now. I vote with Randy.
I know..I just need to continue to ride out the storm. I KNEW it would be rough until the end of the year. It will be okay though. No matter what. It will. It always is.
Last night I read your blog post about bees out loud to my daughter and we laughed and got all inspired by bees and Eddie Izzard and then she stabbed me! Ha ha, no, Eddie Izzard tribute. Anyway, we decided that 2015 is going to be the year of exuberance. Isn’t that a great word and idea?
Lots of anxieties for us, but we’re going to have fun, dammit. Join us!
Okay!!! I WILL JOIN YOU! Exuberance sounds like the perfect goddamn word for 2015
Yay! Gonna be a wild ride!
anxiety aside (but not to minimalise it) I think it’s still early days in your new job. perhaps you are protecting yourself, because of the past experience, and so that doesn’t really help. I understand in a way; I’m 7 months into my new job and I think it’s only been the last two weeks where I haven’t had at least one meltdown per working week. I’ve even told my boss about a month ago (through puddles of tears and snot) that I was pretty sure I was not the right person for the job (in which he looks completely shocked and upset and then told me that he thought I am the right person). It’s so very hard. I do wish I was back at my old job, even though it was making me sick, but at least I KNEW the disaster that lay ahead of me each day.
With time and a bit of letting go and trust I think it will be ok. You will be ok. I will be ok. Who knows, maybe even a year from now we’ll both be roaring with laughter over the whole experience.
xxRenée
Yes! That is what I hope, too. This time next year, we will compare notes and we will be in a better place!
You can do this. 2014 was a big year, and 2015 will see you growing into your new position – like a rock star. I’m so glad we got to know each other this year, and you have helped me through my own anxiety without even knowing me. You are a decent human being – a strange compliment, to be sure, but for someone like me, who is generally a misanthrope, it is the highest praise. You are part of my safe place, and I hope you will continue to be. Merry Christmas to you and Randy. Have a great holiday.
Helena, thank you so much..this means a lot to me. I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas as well.
Not to be a killjoy or anything, coz I hardly know you, but I’m afraid I have to disagree with Randy. You’re not going to be a rock star. You ARE a rock star…. You took the bit between your teeth and changed jobs, you’re working out every day to beat the shitty voice in your head that’s trying to stop you from being even more wonderful than you already are, you’re writing like a mega-star and you’re doing all the Christmas shit at the same time. MASSIVE round of applause. Plus ( and just stop reading here if , as I have said before, you feel the rapid onset of type-2 diabetes) you are putting the skills of Positive Psychology and Mindfulness into action by natural instinct. You still stop to notice the beauty of the snow, the trees, the sky… all that amazing shit it’s so easy to take for granted or paint over with grey. You allow yourself to feel the buzz of the new workspace. You’re even daring to think it’s gonna be just fine. You’re kickin some serious psychological butt me new friend in cyberspace. Air guitars all the way…
Well…when you put it like that..
hahaha
thank you. 🙂
You don’t know how much good it did me to read this, after a miserably stress-filled week leading up to another goddamned hostage exchange… My boy displays so much more resilience than I do – all I want to do is RETREAT from the world, stockpile of carbs close at hand!!
I’m sure you WILL be a rock star, sounds like much better environment…
Merry Fuckin’ Christmas girlfriend!!!
Yay! I’m glad it spoke to you. And merry fuckin Christmas right back at you!
This will be good. You are so very brave. If I were there I would give you a big hug.
No I wouldn’t. I’m not a hugger. I’d give you a big beer.
I’m not a hugger either, but I appreciate the concept of hugs! I’d trade the beer for a tequila. and then after a few tequilas, I’d give you a real hug.
I don’t handle change very well, for many years I would avoid change because it scared me so much I know that some change is good but it still makes me nervous
I used to be good at change. The older I get, the harder it is.
Oh how I love following you ! Although I am sad to not have sensed your discomfort at work. Hell, yes I knew your supervisor was an ass hole! Yes, I was amazed at things that were said to you, but I view you as a strong woman and that you threw it right back at them. The IT department was a mystery to me. Oh how I would sweat when I had to ask for help. One time you came in my area (HR) to help me with some thing that they were wanting me to do and I was sooooo glad it was you. You knew that I was an idiot and you didn’t come out and say it to my face. I thank you for that! I left when they were shutting the whole department off to the rest of the world. I found that so interesting. I was already afraid of that department and now I would need security clearance to enter! The restricted area! A lot of that stress was from the department themselves. They would want me to do a task and I wasn’t set up to do it and then they would want that issue solved NOW! They didn’t go through the proper channels! BUT NO…..it was like Bev can’t do this and get it solved now! This was all a learning experience for me. My best times were opening the door for the princess with the fabulous winter hat! Loved the chats and getting to know people was very hard there. Of course I went in not wanting to know people, just do my work and be done. So many personalities, so many people to tip toe around. I wonder if it was the fact that I was in so many departments and they thought I was a spy? Oh the tales that could be told, but I of conservative mind would smile and forget the day before and on to the next. At one point I was asked to help a person in IT, my supervisor asked me and I was actually able to say that I would not be of any help there. I didn’t not have the skills. One of my better judgments. Enough of this dribble……what I want to say is that you will do well in this new challenge because you have a wonderful personality and of course your knowledge. You are too hard on yourself. This little person could see that and I will remind you anytime you need a boost!
I too dipped the salted sticks in chocolate and dusted them with festive sugar.
Holiday wishes!
Thank you, Bev! And you are NOT an idiot, I didn’t think you were at all. And it sucks that IT makes people feel insecure or bad. That’s what nice about this new place..people are just so nice. Or at least they seem to be. so far.
HA! I won’t lie…I missed the princess treatment!
Thank you for the wishes at the end of your post… but I don’t think I’m gonna find peace this year… I’ve had to REALLY struggle with letting go of two things that really meant a lot to me and the struggle continues. All that said, 2014 didn’t suck, GENERALLY, but I almost don’t want 2015 and all that new stuff to come. So I kinda get what you’re getting at.
But I agree with Wendy of the Rock in her disagreement with Randy. You ARE already a rock star, lady! I hope you have a wonderful, happy, peaceful, fun and love-filled holiday.
luv u.
Jackie
I’m sorry you’re struggling…life is really hard sometimes. And thank you..you are awesome. I will have a love-filled holiday. I need to remember that…I do have a lot of people who love me. Thanks for the reminder. And I hope the same for your holiday. XXOO
We’ve got your back.
Chocolate pretzels will help.
So will tearing up sometimes.
This too will pass (of course then it will return again, but fuck that….let’s stay with the positives.)
You are a rock star.
Repeat after me.
You are a rock star.
Now, stop reading and go bake something.
Thank you, sister!! I am a rock star.
I’m not quite there yet…but I’ll keep saying it
“You are a ghost riding a meat powered skeleton made of stardust. What is there to be afraid of?”
I don’t know who said that, but Briana keeps repeating it and I thought it would work well here.
You’re gonna shine, Michelle. I can feel that all the way from California. It may feel scary for a while, but you’re gonna shine.
This job may actually help with your anxiety. I saw Oliver Sacks speak once, and he said something that really stuck with me: “There are only two things which are effective at healing or maintaining a human psyche, work and love.”
So here’s wishing you a new year full of peace, exuberance, and fierce advocacy from your comment section…
Holy shit..I love that quote. I LOVE IT!
Baking (and then usually eating what I just baked) always is very calming for me. I don’t know if it is the coziness of a warm kitchen, or the lovely smell, or just the act of creating for no one but myself — but it seems to do the trick.
I’m rooting for you, sister! Reading your post took me right back to how I was feeling right after Doc left me. I didn’t know which way was up and I often questioned if I should have never changed or voiced my unhappiness — because wasn’t familiar and secure better than this terrifying unknown? I think I understand how you are feeling in a lot of ways — but I know you’ll get through it and be better for it once you reach the other side!
Thank you, Jana! It’s just so bizarre, to feel this out of sorts for so long. I’m questioning everything I do..
Complacency is not the same as happiness. Familiarity is safe and hard to leave behind, but you will be comfortable again and in a better way. It will happen gradually and one day you will realize life has been normal again for some time and you will not be able to pinpoint when it happened. Peaceful holidays to you.
Thank you, Christine. I am so looking forward to realizing I missed that moment.
it’s so fucking hard being the new kid.
hang in there. it’s all so new and it will be for a while.
one day it will hit you that you’ve been zooming along and bam you’ll be all like…
shit man i got this so good that people are asking me how to do shit around here.
FUCK YEAH! fist pumps in air!
until then make cookies and just be in today with your family.
hugs!
🙂 Thank you, sweetness.
The cookie making went fabulously
I never had a doubt that you would come through this in time and be exactly what you are…amazing! I’m so glad you are finding positive ways to combat that asshole anxiety. Keep it up. You are going to be just fine!
Thank you, Sandy. I’m getting there.
You will get there and you are a rock star! Go to lunch with them but let them know it’s out of your comfort zone. People aren’t always total dicks…a lot are but give them a chance, hard as it is. It sounds like this place is a breath of fresh air in comparison to your old job.
🙂
Thank you! And yes, it’s very much different. I’m sure I will see it as a breath of fresh air soon..right now, it’s just so different that it only feels weird to me.
change is good/change is horrible/change is what should not be/change is what could be…. (ok! got the yoda out of my system… lol)
You know that thing about reality is perception (or is that perception is reality)? …never mind, both are true, guess what I would say is that besides having all the encouragement possible, as evidenced in the comments above, you should take heart in the fact that you are finding a part of yourself in the new place/job.
There can’t be anything more important to (successful) change than that! Just last night a few of us were talking about the incredible power of ‘identification’, (to look at the new/the strange/the seemingly hostile and find something that you genuinely like and enjoy), and I would say that your Post ‘today’ shows that that’s where you are with this new job.
very cool.
Thank you so much….wait wait wait.
So much….thank you
That didn’t work in a yoda voice, did it?
I don’t comment often because I would just be echoing the wonderful and encouraging things people write to you.
You are an important voice. It’s good to hear that I am not the only programmer plagued by imposter syndrome. I stress when I am given a new task because I feel that I should be able to figure it out in minutes, not hours, or days. The pressure is all internal. No one at my job expects me to be perfect. They are actually happy with me the way I am. Happy enough to hire me back after a layoff.
You are smart, you are strong, you are skilled, you are appreciated.
Merry Christmas and may 2015 bring you peace and joy!
No..you are NOT the only programmer plagued with those fears. And this is exactly how I’m feeling. Something took 3 hours that should have taken 30 minutes….if I had known where all the files were and known what data was stored in which files…blah blah blah. I was being very hard on myself.
Life is good except when it sucks. So many of us get what you are going through and that is why we put out the chair in your corner. Since I started with a boxing quote, I will end with one too:
“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!” Rocky Balboa.
Who knew he was so prolific beyond the obvious grammar issues? Keep fighting sista! We are with you.
And that is just the Rocky Balboa quote I needed to read! Thank you. 🙂
Change is the scariest bitch there is and taking it one day at a time is all we can do. I am getting ready to grab my snow globe life and shake it so hard I don’t know exactly what it will be like when the dust finally settles and the music stops. Let’s just hope it for the side of good, I can’t take much more bad. Keeping my fingers crossed for you hoping you’ll do the same for me.
all of my digits are crossed for you. 🙂
Thank you for sharing something so raw, Michelle. Here’s to you being able to look back at this time and being able to smile and see just how far you’ve come! 🙂
I wish we could skip to that part.
Anxiety about a new job, performance, environment, culture is natural. Don’t we all wish it becomes easier as we get older!
I do wish it got easier, but it seems to intensify. At least for me.
Congratulations on the new gig, and bagging the old one – dead deer heads? Yikes, no thanks. When we bought our cottage there was a dead deer on the wall – freaked me the fuck out. I wish you and Randy a wonderful holiday season:)
Thank you! Yeah, the owner of the last company I worked for is a hunter and he displayed all of his kills at work. There were dead things all over the place.
I know what you mean about blogging and the blogging community – finding it was truly life-changing for me.
You are going to feel so much better and stronger once you’ve settled in to this new job!
Thank you, Sharon!
Change is scary but sometimes you just need to go ahead and shake shit up and be scared before new good things can happen. You’ll get there. And in the meantime, a very merry unbirthday to you!
Thank you! I know this is true. I’m still in the ‘really scared’ part of the process.
The past 2 weeks have been hellish for me for health reasons. I learned that sometimes I really just need to let something be what it is, be more aggressive with this problem I’ve been having (controlling my ever-skyrocketing BG levels; which wasn’t the new insulin pump like we thought, but a new lotion I was applying to my underarms of all places! It’s been a frustratingly slow detox so far…), and just be a little more patient about expecting results. The last was just about the most important part – to stop wallowing in the anxiety of it all & what could happen to me and just take my doctor’s advice and make the changes he suggested and WAIT A COUPLE DAYS before deciding on its failure.
I’m feeling almost normal today, for the first time in almost 2 weeks, so I kinda/sorta/almost feel like I could write a Christmas post! Hope you have a Merry/Happy and get lots of love (and nice presents). 🙂 It’s been such fun reading your blog and chatting with you on Twitter. May we all carry on and be joyous…. (ok, I’m a little nauseous now, LOL)
Oh man…I hate to hear that!
I hope you’re continuing to improve, sister..
That’s the spirit! Change is scary – but good!
I haven’t reached the ‘good’ stage yet…but it’s getting better.
Having just started a new job myself I am feeling so much of the same things you are…wow I’m glad I’m not the only one! Thank you and hang in there…I know we’ll get through it!
It’s good to not be alone, right? It’s only been 2.5 weeks for me and I am so anxious that I’m still learning and mostly lost.
Looks like the moonlight may be guiding you to the realization that you’ve made a good choice. And this blogging thing is pretty awesome, isn’t it? Knowing there are so many others who understand what you’re going through is fantastic.
Great post!
Thank you so much. And yes, blogging is wonderful. It’s one of my favorite things.
Ahh, Michelle. I love that you’ve made a move, scary though it may feel. You got this; I know you do. Fake it til you make it, is what I always did in job situations like that…and it always worked. They never guessed I always felt like I was swimming in the deep end of the pool. Except that one time when I was in accounting, and I mistakenly posted a company check to a big supplier for $12,000.00 too much. THAT was not a fun meeting.
This year’s been more or less a total suck-year for me, but it’s getting better, and I’m trying to see it that way.
When I feel myself getting crazy anxious or sitting at my desk crying, without an Actual Good Reason, I remind myself. What is actually wrong??? Right now, honestly? The answer is: Nothing. Nothing is actually wrong. We have happy, healthy beautiful kids. We have a great marriage. We have our health and our lovely house and a steady business that we can increase or decrease as needed. We have a (rented) car to drive and lots of food. There may not be enough money in the bank, but we aren’t losing anything over it. Nothing. Is. Actually. Wrong. I try to keep reminding myself that, and it seems to help. Or at least it makes me feel stupid to be sitting there crying over nothing, so I eventually fizzle to a stop.
And I love coming here, too. Haven’t felt like blogging much lately, but I love that I can come and read and throw in my 10 cents now and then. 😀
I’m glad you’re here too. I am kind of doing the same thing. Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine..but I still have this cloud of doom over my head. I know it will pass, but it’s so fucking hard. I hate this. I thought when I got older, I’d have this peace and wisdom about me..but no…I missed that part.
I don’t feel wiser either. Just better at pretending to be. I have spent most of my life tripping on stuff and then looking back and saying, “Did you see that? I totally MEANT TO DO THAT”.
I tell myself that EVERYONE feels that way. They’re all just pretending to have their shit together, just like me. Yes, even those people who look like it’s really for real. It makes me feel better to believe that, anyway…