Here’s the thing, I know what I should do.
Or rather shouldn’t.
Here’s the other thing. It’s not going to fucking happen. I am going to continue to read the comments.
I’m not talking about comments here. Of course I’ll read these. I love you guys. That’s actually true.
Quite frankly, I am stunned I haven’t gotten more shitty comments on this blog. I think I’ve had maybe two or three total. Not bad.
I’m talking about the comments I get from posts I have elsewhere. Mostly The Huffington Post. I have had some seriously shitty comments on articles on the Huffington Post. Their Facebook page is even worse.
I had a new article posted on The Huffington Post this week. It is basically about finding self acceptance as we age. I actually posted here first a while ago. Anyway, here it is on The Huffington Post if you want to read it.
I was so baffled by some of the comments. One guy said “Good luck with your cats.”
What the fucking fuck? Trying to find self-acceptance dooms me to a life as crazy cat 
lady? Where the fuck will Randy go? I don’t think I can be a crazy cat lady unless I live alone, or do I not understand the parameters?
Another person took me to task for willing to go out without looking my best. Or more accurately, kind of looking like shit.
There was a woman who thought my decision to not suffer assholes was selfish. I need to help assholes be better people.
Fucking excuse me?
I spent years feeling like it was my personal responsibility to care for the feelings of all the humans. That job sucks. There is no pay and no matter how hard you try, you affect no change.
My favorite comment, though, my favorite was from the guy who suggested that I am an ‘it’.
Douche Twizzle: Classic….a ” let her self go ” woman…..
She will be one of those women that cut their hair real short…” because it’s sooo much easier to care for ” ….then she will let her Butt get real big….then a total feminist attitude….
Yep, ITS not a woman anymore….
Me: Actually, my hair is halfway down my back and I like it that way. I DO have a total feminist attitude in that I believe in economic, social and political equality between men in women. Equality…nothing more or less. My husband would disagree completely with you about me NOT being a woman anymore.
The only thing I’m ‘letting go’ is constantly worrying about trivial shit. Thanks for this, though. I’m writing an article about trolls and this is perfect.
I had time to think about my response. I decided that I am sorry I responded the way I did. Why did I feel the need to announce the length of my hair to this twat monster? Do I think, even a little, that my hair defines me as a woman? What makes the difference if I shaved my head bald? Does that make me less a woman? I mean, that isn’t up for debate. I am a woman. I’m also a human. My hair, my sex, my skin color is meaningless. I am a human being and I belong here. If one of my fellow humans wants to suggest that I’m an ‘it’ based on a short post about self-acceptance, then that’s cool. I mean, his stupid, fucking comment doesn’t change who I am or where I belong.
I guess I could be grateful and appreciative of the lesson the universe gave me.
On the other hand, that guy can suck my dick.
As it were, I got more than one lesson from my last Huffington Post article.
My mom doesn’t read what I write.
Not that she avoids it and it’s not like she hasn’t read anything I’ve written. She is the reason I have an essay in I Still Just Want To Pee Alone. I wrote that piece 15 years ago. She kept a copy all these years. She also came to see me in Listen To Your Mother.
My mother is also a Luddite. Which works for me because I prefer she doesn’t read a lot of what I write because it would make her feel bad. Discussing the relationship I have with my father and parental narcissism would cause her pain. I never want to cause my mother pain.
Randy told her about my most recent article and she wanted to read it. He brought it up on his phone and handed the phone to my mother.
I felt a surge of panic. Does she like it? Did I say any really bad words? I mean, I didn’t say cock or cunt. I didn’t say motherfucker. How many times did I say asshole? More than once at least. What difference does motherfucker make anyway? You just SAID motherfucker in front of her. Her reading it in an article is just redundant. Not only did you say motherfucker, you said it while describing your favorite ‘Jesus’ meme.
Jesus.
She loved the article. I knew she would. She is proud of me.
I realized tonight that it doesn’t matter if she likes my writing or not. It doesn’t matter if she disapproves of the cursing. It doesn’t even matter if my subject matter might make her feel bad. I can still write what I want to write. I have my story. She has her story.
We’re both still figuring out life.
In the meantime, I think perhaps I can stop talking about letting go of my role as ‘feelings protector’ and actually figure out how to let go.
Still, I’m glad I didn’t say cock or cunt.
Comment trolls are weak sauce. I mean how brave do you really have to be to come for someone in the comment section? Weak. Sauce. I’m still a caretaker for other people’s feelings and really need to get over myself. The truth is I want to be you when I grow up. (Well, except for the whole divorce thing.) I want your killer sense of humor, your writing style (you make that ish look easy!), and how you use the F word in a million different creative ways. You are an F word rock rock star so flip your comment trolls the proverbial finger.
Thank you so much! I have to warn you, though…you can want to be me when you grow up if you want…but it’s often exhausting. hahah.
OMG I am reading about MYSELF!
I just found you somehow clicking through 10 other sites. I magically got to you.
Call it what you will. Fate, Karma or WTF?
I’m signed up now to read your HILARIOUS blog.
FYI, I gave up my “Frenemies” about 7 or 8 years ago…still trying to drop the Bullshit from my life at 54.
Kind of like 1-800-GetRidOfJunk, I’m starting to dump the SHIT that I don’t need. I don’t mean physical things. I mean being nice to people that I don’t like “because I’m suppose to”.
So hat’s off to you!
Can’t wait to read more.
Seriously.
Your New Best Friend (not stalker),
PJ
Hahaha….I am light in the ‘new best friend/not stalker’ department, so YAY!
I’m glad you liked it!!!
Let it roll, Michelle,…people throw rocks at things that shine!
You are awesome! Thank you!
I love you Michelle !!!!
And as for those motherfuckers,
dickheads, cunts,
(you know who you are)when I think of them Ha Give me CATS any day !!
From one fantastic woman to another fantastic woman xxx
Thank you, sweetness!!!
On facebook when someone says something stupid or mindlessly mean I usually do the same right back but 1000 times worse. I have no problem asking an idiot how they survived their abortion. The worse they are the worse I will be. Some of them were contacts that I dropped right away. Something about facebook makes people stupid.
I wish that I could, but I do not have the stamina for that.
I so wish you had some sort of billshit addiction and you went to 12 step meetings. I would love to hear your dirty, insane, and politically incorrect ramblings in a group setting :)- It would be truly epic!!
I read your comment to Randy in the car just a little bit ago and he cracked up. He told me this morning…yeah..you’ll lose 25 subscribers because of the language in this one. Don’t care. Hahahahahah.
Bravo Michelle! Now, get over fast the need to even respond to these dicks! In doing so, you are ultimately empowering them to continue their mindless behavior. Assholes like that just want to push buttons to provoke….gives them some fictional sense of empowerment. Bet they think they have small dicks. Har har!
The more I know about those tyoes of men, the more I like my cat…..and dog. And I’m 73, live alone, and am not some fucking cat lady! Oh, and my hair is short. 🙂
I KNOW!!! I know. Randy agrees with you completely.
Guys’ comments on aging in general? Acceptable. On a woman’s personal journey? Disregard. What do they know, really? And why do they bother? It’s like me commenting on the plight of a refugee or ANYTHING ELSE I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. Maybe if men wrote about their inner struggles, then these guys could comment on that – if they could RELATE. Perhaps I will be a crazy cat lady. I love cats. And dogs. But not the stink, so mine would be a clean, if not somewhat hairy, environment. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna nail the crazy part. Just ask my kids. I am now wearing old cargos and a sweatshirt, mismatched socks. I’m comfortable. And that’s the point: we are just trying to become more comfortable, emotionally and physically, as we age. Nothing wrong with that. Make no apologies.
Yes!! We just got back from the grocery and it is fucking COLD out. I put a pull over sweater on over my tshirt and when we got home Randy pointed out that my sweater was on inside out. Hahaha. Don’t care.
I just discovered you through your 8 things you are too old for post and I think we might be twins separated at birth! xoxo
I am so glad you are here!!!
May I have your cats if you’re not going to use them?
Hahahah…NO! GET YOUR OWN!
I DO want a cat. My youngest is a senior. I am going to need something to cuddle.
People suck.
really hard. They suck hard.
Go get ’em, Michelle!!! 🙂 I’ve become more of a “let myself go” woman as I’ve aged. As in, letting my true opinions and beliefs fly out of my mouth, letting myself go free from the approval of others, especially when they do not really KNOW me or at least, do not know me WELL, etc. Yeah! I let loose and let myself go! One thing I always wonder about people who have nothing better to do than make nasty, negative remarks: what the fuck do THEY look like? What the fuck kind of lives are THEY living? I suspect if we could get a good look at those people, we’d have a better understanding of why they’re total ass wipes. My old therapist would have said, “These people are projecting their own misery onto YOU.” Do NOT suffer fools gladly. The mental issues of strangers are not your responsibility! Add to that the fact that so many of these men retain the mentality of 15 year olds and think every woman should aspire to look like an inflatable doll and, well, consider what you may be dealing with. Bleh!! P.S. My husband and I own four cats! And I know many men who love cats! So all the sad, miserable assholes trying to stereotype people can fuck off! Like, TOTALLY! HAHA!!!
I need a need a needlepoint of that. Don’t suffer fools gladly.
Ha ha ha this is awesome!!! I vacillate between “I’ll know I have made it when I get a few more nasty / weird comments” and still feeling very thin-skinned. Thx for sharing! 🙂
I am getting more thick skinned, but I obviously still have work to do.
Trolls, or more specifically Huffington Post trolls, are the worst and you really should stop reading the comments on your own articles. I shared it and got comments like this:: “Amen!!!” and “Now I want to use ‘douche twizzle’ in a sentence!’
Obviously, the guy with the ‘It’ problem hasn’t been on a date since his junior year of high school, still lives at home with his mom, and has racing stripes in his underwear because she refuses to do his laundry while he plays World of Warcraft against 13 year olds.
…Uh, oh. I think I just pulled a HuffPo troll move…
Seriously:: Your post was funny, real, and true. Make it a goal to reach before you turn 53: Don’t let asshat douche twizzles bring you down about a piece that resonated with so many.
I love douche twizzle. I am especially proud of that one.
I’ve never had a negative comment on my own writing, but I often see nasty comments made on sites like the Huffington Post, or local news stories. I lose a little more of my faith in humanity every time.
I just can’t fathom the level of dissatisfaction some people must live with that they have to leave nasty comments on the internet to let off some of the pressure their venom fills them with.
Right? They are so mean!
You are so much braver than me on this one. I barely survived the one (ONE) anonymous comment I got, who said my writing is good but “immature, juvenile, and uses too much of the word ‘whatever'”. I deleted it, and said WHATEVER, but still…it made me shrivel a bit.
I am all for letting ourselves go if it means saying no to taking BS from people any more or caring what they think about my clothes/hair/time management/use of the word ” whatever”. And when I’m ready to cut my hair short, I will do it, and I will LOVE it. Also YES, on saying what I think a lot more, which shocks everyone around me. Whatever.
And …I have three cats AND a husband who adores me, so I’m totally offended by that comment!!
Ignore trolls. I like to tell myself they’re actually…I don’t know… Like, demons, or something, who exist just to make comments online. Because REAL HUMANS don’t hack on strangers like that. (It’s the only way I can deal with what people do to each other anymore).
And…actually, I’m giving myself a self-imposed break from the internet, because yesterday those “demon” people outnumbered my ability to handle the news anymore. Can’t do it. Going outside. Xoxo. Love you, lady
Isn’t a more than just a little ironic that trolls enjoy calling other people “juvenile, immature”, when they themselves are so…well….immature and juvenile? HAHA!
Thank you, gorgeous. I always do a little happy dance when I hear from you.
The first time I read this I totally missed your Stephanie Plum reference. Stephanie rocks! But she doesn’t get enough nookie – I make no apologies for reading fluff – It keeps me sane, and screw anyone who thinks otherwise! Oh yes, you rock as well!
Thank you! I LOVE Stephanie Plum. I’m a Ranger person. Morelli is fine…but I am all about Ranger.
I’m sorry to say that the movie sucked. The only character I agreed with was Lula. I think I’m more for Morelli because at least he’s considering marriage (in an abstract way) – Ranger just wants to jump Stephanie. Also, he might wind up dead, but then, with her luck with cars, so might she!
Yeah, the movie sucked, even though I thought Daniel Sunjata was perfect as Ranger.
That’s a great article, Michelle. Trolls are prevalent on HuffPo—especially male trolls. Not sure why. They’re anti-feminist, anti-divorce people. Not sure where they all come from. I don’t read troll comments on that site and I won’t respond to them. It’s better that way. I love when you say you and your mom are both still figuring out life…absolutely true. Why not swear a little along the way? 🙂
Hahaha…yes! Why not?
Remembering, of course, that trolling is these people’s LIVES… they do not have much going for them in life… and they troll to make themselves feel better about themselves. Feel sorry for them, but do not engage… remember what John Carlton says:
Never wrestle with a pig… you’ll both get dirty, and the pig LIKES IT.
luv ya
Jackie
I can always count on you, sister, for the very best advice. XO
Ha, who the hell does he think he is? I used to let them get to me, very occasionally I still do but I make liberal use of the delete and block option on various sites lately. Life is too short for people who are deliberately mean or just want an argument.
Poof and they are gone, never to return!
🙂
Yeah I have a cat, will probably end up a cat lady and I no longer care. I would certainly prefer her company than that of aggressive trolls and quite frankly I’m not sure a cat would enjoy the company of someone as horrid as he obviously is, they do tend to be quite discerning in their choice of human pets.
I like my hair long too, even if I do look increasingly witch like!
🙂
All the better to ride my broom with…
When we’re very old, we’ll tour the world together on matching broomsticks.
Ah, commenting about trolls gives me a chance to use my new favorite word that I stole from Driftglass: Poltroonery. Driftglass is great for useful words that sound cool; my other fave from him is shoutycrackers, itself another useful troll descriptor.
Craig Newmark says “don’t feed the trolls”, and usually I’m pretty good at not doing so, but lately I’ve engaged with them a little at another blog where I comment because I let myself get dragged in over the subject matter.
My actual feeling about trolls is that people who push others’ buttons just to get a reaction never learned the childhood lesson that there is good attention and bad attention. But make no mistake, the circumstances that drive trollish behavior do not excuse assholery, or douche-twizzelery.
I am pretty sure that ‘shoutycrackers’ is my new favorite word.
Something just occurred to me, Michelle: You are an amazingly dedicated blogger in that you respond to pretty much all of your comments. I can’t begin to express how rare and awesome this is. Those Hufftrolls probably don’t expect, or maybe even know about that level of engagement, and believe themselves to be taking pot shots at a writer who will likely never even know they HAD comments. Perhaps another case of one’s best qualities being blindly used against one? Just a thought.
Thank you, Doug. The interaction is my favorite part. Well…it’s at least even with the writing part. I love the connections I’ve made.
First, thank you for the reminder that there are intelligent, funny, thought-provoking articles on HuffPo. You’ve also reminded me that in spite of the new commenting system they implemented a while back the site is still subject to douche twizzles who are only there to throw toxic waste. Be proud and happy about the former. The latter is not in any way your responsibility.
I’m in awe of how you’re responding to both the trolls and your own feelings about your mother. I know you feel you’re only just starting the process, but you’re still providing an amazing example.
And I would wish you good luck with your cats but you don’t need it. If you go that way you’ll have the world’s most well-adjusted cats.
Thank you, Christopher!
So far, I have not won the ‘we need a cat’ battle. I’ve been fighting this battle with Randy for about 10 years now. When the baby boy leaves for college, I’ll be sending in all the troops.
I still cringe over embarrassing moments in tenth grade and the nasty kids who never let me forget them. And occasionally I have those high school dreams about getting in the wrong class, forgetting locker combinations, etc. But since y’all have them too, I guess I can handle it. On the upside, hubby and I were outside in the semi-dark the other evening and I saw a little black cat coming toward our fish pond. I didn’t mention it, but if it keeps coming I will be a cat lady someday.
About your critics — haters just gotta hate, right? They’re morons. And I think some of them could be the creeps from my old English class.
They could be those creeps! I have shed MOST of the cringing over embarrassing moments..still working on that.
I once got trolled in real life by a guy like the darling Douche Twizzle you quoted. I was working as a cashier and I’d recently gotten a super short pixie cut which everyone had been complimenting me on. Mr. Douche Twizzle II came through my line and we had a lovely normal friendly conversation about the weather and such as I rang him through, until he paid and I handed him his receipt. At which point he sneered at me, “Grow your hair, you look like a boy!” and stalked out.
Sure thing, sir. I’ll get right on that, the second I give a shit about your opinion.
[Ten years later]
…yep, still waiting on that shit I was supposed to give.
What an asshole!! Why do people do that shit?
You may lose subscribers over this one, but you’ve gained one – me. Loved the article in Huffpost which led me to your blog. Now I have a problem. I’m supposed to be studying for midterms, but would rather read your blog posts. Save them for Wednesday and I’ll read them start to finish! Thanks for saying exactly what I think about so many things!
STUDY!!! And I will see you on Wednesday! So glad you are here.
You know opinions are like assholes… everyone has one. It took me years to realize that other people’s opinion of me have nothing to do with me; that other folk’s opinions are none of my business. I believe that each day we run across an asshat; some days there are many! The male person [obviously he isn’t a MAN] that referred to you as an IT… just consider him your DA ~Designated Asshole of the day! I thoroughly enjoy your Blogs. May I suggest that we not sweat the small stuff…
and in the grand scheme of things, it’s ALL small stuff! Much love & respect to you and a huge Thank You for having the courage to speak your mind. Sparkle on sister!
Oh THANK YOU!
I was just sitting on my deck going through a morning ritual of beating myself up a little. I needed to read this.
Hi,
Great reaction to this post! Congratulations! I loved your delivery. It made it really funny.
Janice
Thank you!!!
I don’t know what those shitty little cumbubble wankers have against your personal expression through writing but I enjoy it very much so please disregard the turds and continue for your fans!
cumbubble wankers is the best thing I’ve read all weekend.
Oh thanks. Yeah I’ve been waiting to use that one since buzzfeed told me it was my go to brittish swear word. I totally thought it fit these trolls!
I’m always stunned at the level of stupid on the internet. BTW… the guy that said “classic let herself go” woman has a shit ton of facebook friends (Six. He has six.) Not sure, but he looks like he might be one of those right wing gun nuts as well. (Does anyone know if there is a way to see all of a persons HuffPo comments? I’d love to see what else this guy has to say. He sounds brilliant.)
Twenty bucks says he’s never touched a boob.
If you look at his facebook photos (there are two of him), it’s obvious he spends a great deal of time on his own appearance. It’s not easy building up a beer body physique.
On the bright side, I’d say 98% of the comments on the huffpo article were positive… mostly people agreeing with you and relating to something you wrote. I also noticed some folks giving the trolls a slapdown. On the downside, if you’re anything like me, you’ll focus on the shitty comments. Why do I do this?
The part in your article where you talk about ruminating over embarrassing things from the past really struck a chord with me. I can still cringe today over a stupid comment or awkward encounter, and I beat myself up about it years later. That shit needs to stop.
Fuck the trolls (buncha’ cocks and cunts. Oooo… that hurt to type the second c-word, but it was also, surprisingly satisfactory.) Rock-on whicher bad self Michelle!
Thank you so much!
I don’t know why we focus on the negative. For me it’s because I still have that part of me that totally believes it when someone says something mean about me.
Michelle,
Loved you’re “8 Things I’m Too Old For”, on HP. Quick Q- do/did you have any trouble having HP post your previously posted posts? Thought they didn’t accept previously posted post, but that mush have been somewhere else.
Would love to connect on Google, cause I think we’re of similar stardust.
In the mean time, thought you might like the cartoon if you follow this link-> http://www.sadiesgathering.com/2014/12/what-nobody-tells-you-about-being-parent.html
Have a good Sunday.
Susan J.
Sadie’s Gathering sadiesgathering.com
Thank you so much!!
Yes, Huffington Post accepts previously posted work.
Thanks for the link!
I just found you via Huffington Post and loved the article. Especially #8… Good question – why do I have to find the good in assholes?
I’ll not spending the rest of the evening getting to know you via your blog post.
Consider me one of your newest followers.
Oh thank you! So glad you are here.
I do believe the trolls on HuffPost are just about the worst people that exist. They live to try and bring us down, but we won’t let them, will we Michelle? Because truly, we don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of us anymore. That’s the best thing about being 53 years old.
YES! At least I am trying to get there. I am so much better than I used to be, but they still bother me a little. I want to submit a post on weight loss, but you know how that goes.
I too just found you via your post on HuffPost- I can’t wait to read more! I was just talking to a friend this weekend about finally being in a place in life where I feel comfortable telling it like it is and giving zero fucks what people think about it! So Amen to that! And to all the other points you made for that matter! Feel like what you wrote described my life! So great to know others are feeling similarly!
And douche twizzle….. Nothing but awesome!
Thank you!!! I am quite proud of douche twizzle, myself. 🙂
In case you are feeling disappointed, I firmly believe that you and Randy could be a crazy cat COUPLE.
My husband and I tried it out. Early in our marriage we had 6 cats. So, if it is an idea that appeals to you two, it’s totally doable.
Randy hates cats. The bastard.
I think I fucking love you. You have a new subscriber/fangirl right here. I found you via Blogging Boost on Facebook.
The HuffPo commentariat are among the worst. My popular work there is all from a feminist perspective, even though I don’t directly state that. On each of those posts, the comments are roughly split between people agreeing with my perspective, people telling me that I’m “whining” about nothing, and people proving my point by saying the exact same shit that I pointed out in the original article.
Remember, if it doesn’t happen to a man, it doesn’t actually happen.
HAHHAHA..I LOVE THAT! And I hate it because it’s true. I mean it’s NOT true, but it seems that is how we behave.
enough rambling for a Monday morning!
So glad you are here!!
I think we’ve all figured out that the trolls are everywhere, lying in wait. Sometimes it is easy to disregard them for the shitbags they are, others not so much. Because sometimes they are really fucking mean.
While I love the part about your mom in this post, how proud she is of you (as am I) and how careful you are not to cause her pain, my favorite line has to be…..
‘On the other hand, that guy can suck my dick.’
That just about sums it up.
I hate the trolls who say shitty things and then are right about them. GAH!
I love you like crazy, sister. XOXOX
Wow. Brutal and ridiculous. People are so weird. They assume we write things as a way of gathering other’s opinions of us. No, we write things because we are fucking hilarious and awesome to be around. That is all.
OMG I love you. WE ARE fucking hilarious and awesome!
Yes. We write because we are fucking hilarious and also talented. 🙂 You are braver than I, I can’t read them or I’d become obsessed.
I am perplexed by people who sit at home thinking of ways to shit on other people just because they themselves are…voids. But then I move on and write something that goes over their heads.
Ohhh…I might have ventured into ‘obsessed’. It’s just not helpful. I love constructive criticism. (okay, I don’t HATE it) but when the point is to just be a dick, I kind of want to punch those people.
Trolls who add comments that are just mean and nasty are not worth anything !!! I still feel if we all lived by “If you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything at all” the world would be a better place !!!!
You are a great writer and they are just tossers !!
They are tossers!!!!! xo
The internet offers a sense of anonymity that lets people feel like they can be the dbags they pretend they aren’t in normal every day life. I think that’s the worst part – they know they shouldn’t act like they do. They know they say things like that. Majority of them don’t say things like that to other people when they’re waiting in line at the bank… why say it online?
That’s the truth…I mean, some people are rude in person, but not enough to account for all the shitty comments on the internet.
Love your blog. Love the way you write. Love what you write about. ☺
Thank you so much!!!
ok, now I am traumatized because I had to stop reading at the short hair comment.
My hair is super short (cause I swim ALL the time) and could you please tell that douche bag that short hair takes way more care and attention than long hair –
every morning I have to shower cause the bed head is just toooooooo funny.
On second thought – don’t waste anymore time on dick comments.
(and by the way, dick, my butt is smaller now than it was 40 years ago. )
So there! but I digress…..
I will go back and read the rest of your post now.
Right? SO FRUSTRATING. I just want to spit on him.
Hah! That post on Huffpo has been passed around by a bunch of us over 50s, and we love it! That’s how I found you.
Don’t listen to to the douche wagons! (A douche wagon is twice a douche canoe, which is twice a douche twizzle!)
Have fun, find your voice, and raise it!
Thank you so much! Glad to see you here. I LOVE douche wagon!!!