Monday was a dick.
Monday kicked me in the balls. Which, considering I don’t have balls, must have been very difficult for Monday. Monday would have had to travel back in time to one of my previous lives when I was a male just to kick me in the balls.
I don’t actually believe in past lives. I mean, maybe, how the fuck would I know? I saw the movie The Reincarnation Of Peter Proud at the drive in.The only thing I remember was a naked guy in the movie. I was only 12 or 13 when the movie came out.
My old lady hormones are kicking my ass. I have been feeling overwhelmed and completely inadequate with a side of ‘everything I do is meaningless’ thrown in.
We are leaving this morning to go visit our mountain friends for a long weekend.
I need this so much.
Am I relaxed about it? Fuck no.
I’m am obsessing about getting some projects done at work. I’m worried about projects that haven’t happened yet that are coming up.
What if I can’t do it?
What if I fail?
They will fire me.
Fuck. I’m getting fired from my job. This is awesome. No cushion to fall back on. We’ll have to move and Joey will have to switch schools during his senior year. And that will ruin his entire life. Obviously.
I didn’t let worry stop me from writing code, though. I plowed through.
My eyes started crossing from staring at my black screen with green letters. (I write programs in an archaic language. The network guy that I work with now calls the system I work on ‘Grandpa’.)
I checked my email and had one from The Huffington Post. They wanted me to participate in a segment about multiple marriages on Huffpost Live.
On any other day, I would have been thrilled. On Monday, there was just no way. The segment started at 4:00, which is around the time I leave work every day. So, I emailed them back.
The following is a not completely accurate exchange of emails.
Me: Sorry, Huffpost Live. I won’t be home from work in time to go on your show about multiple marriages.
Huffpost Live: C’mon.
Me: Sorry Huffpost Live. I can’t. I have to work.
Huffpost Live: Can’t you just Skype in from your office?
Me: No, Huffpost Live, I can’t. I work in a cube farm. I can’t be filming shows and shit in my cubicle. You crazy, Huffpost Live.
Huffpost Live: It will only take 20 minutes
Me: No, Huffpost Live. No! I can’t I have to work. Gawd.
Huffpost Live: I’ll give you a sticker.
Me: Okay. I’ll leave work early.
I had 30 minutes to rush home from work, tart myself up, and change out of the hideous shirt I had on. Then, I had to be on a live show.
Being on a show isn’t something I do. I didn’t know what to expect, so that both freaked me out and comforted me.
Doing the segment was so weird, you guys. Our central air crapped out two years ago, so we have window units in place. The only computer I could use for the segment is a desktop in Randy’s office. Randy hung a piece of material up over a curtain rod so the window unit wouldn’t show on camera. We’re talking some high class shit here. That coupled with a shitty webcam, I would set the Huffpost Live set on fire.
HAHAHAHFUCKINGHAHAHA.
Anyway, I put on Randy’s big cushy headphones (which ended up looking like Princess Leia’s hair after becoming falling down drunk and possibly walking through a sprinkler a few times). I called in and this dude that I couldn’t see started talking to me.
Hi Michelle. What I’m going to need you to do is sit back further from the camera. Great. Now, move the left a little. Awesome. Also, you seem to have a shadow over your face, can you move whatever that is?
I moved the boom mike back a little and the shadows were gone. All that was left was to wait.
Of course, the a/c was blocked and I started full on sweating within minutes. By the time the segment started, I had sweated off my makeup and smelled like a goat.
Nancy Redd started the interview segment by introducing the two guests. Me and America’s Crisis Coach, Faydra Koenig. I don’t remember what her exact credentials were, but what I remember hearing is this:
We have Michelle Poston Combs with us today. She’s been married three times. We also have a nationally renowned relationship expert who will make Michelle look like a babbling idiot.
I did babble a little.
It could have been much worse.
Anyway, here’s where you can watch the segment.
What the fuck were my eyes doing? I looked like I have googly eyes. I am also very surprised to see what my facial expressions look like. I look much cooler in my head. It’s also possible that I babbled more than just a little.
If you look at the resources under the video, you will see ‘married 3 times’ under my name. I think those are my credentials. That is goddamn hilarious.
Send me your peaceful thoughts. We’ll be in the mountains by Thursday evening and I am pretty sure there will be some drinks in my future.
I need to relax.
Also, I didn’t really get a sticker.
You did really well and no you didn’t babble.
You want to hear babbling? Listen to the interview I did yesterday when I had serious anxiety. I sound like a crazy person, but then again I probably am this week!
🙂
I like you as a crazy person. I appreciate a good babble.
I babbled a little. I was so unprepared. I thought we were going to talk about the article I wrote because that’s what they said in the email.
Never trust reporters, they like to keep you on your toes!
🙂
In comparison you sound cool, calm and collected. I make myself cringe with my babbling, at least he edited some of it out. You think I’d be used to doing these things by now, definitely should have postponed it till I was slightly less on the edge but it had been arranged months ago.
This made me laugh out loud. Now I’m off to watch the segment ….
Yay! Laughing is good.
Oh, you have such a great voice! And you came off as smart and articulate. I can’t say the same for the young woman who interviewed you ….
Yeah…I was taken aback by her ‘blah blah blahs’.
What? No sticker? I would have told them to shove it.
Getting married 3 times just means that there have been at least 3 people who thought you were so awesome they wanted to marry you, no?
Yeah! That’s the thing!
You did amazing! Though I was mesmerized watching the curtain move over your a/c unit. It looked like a cat’s tail.
Hahahah! It was hypnotic.
i love this. I loved your three marriages blog – and you made a lot of sense and looked fantastic. Congrats!
Thank you!!!
You have lovely eyes, although I almost didn’t notice because–seriously–I was digging the cool sun designs on the curtain in the background. And listening to your thoughtful responses. You didn’t babble.
By the way, before I started reading your blog I had no idea there was so much criticism of people who’d had multiple marriages. Clearly I live a very sheltered life. When I hear of a celebrity on their third (or more) marriage I think, I can’t imagine what being in the spotlight must be like. And when I meet someone or hear about someone who’s had multiple marriages I think, well, I wonder what the circumstances were, and I hope they’re happy now.
I’m glad you’re speaking out about this, but also annoyed that you need to.
Yeah, I have had some things said to me over the years that have taken me aback. My life is just my life..I’ve made some really fucked up choices, but that is a condition of being human.
You didn’t babble, Faydra babbled a bit and what was with the “professional” saying ‘blah blah blah’? Not once but twice!
If you can do such an awesome job with so little notice, I’d love to see how you’d do with preparation.
Great interview, you looked cool in them headphones 😉
Thank you! Yeah, a little time to prepare would have been nice. 🙂
I thought you did well in your interview, if that was babbling than my boyfriend is right I talk way too much Also Loved this post and as usual is hilarious. I love reading your stuff!
Ohh…thank you, sister. 🙂
Babbling means you are human. I would have done the same, in a self depreciating sarcastic way all the while flipping my middle finger up at everyone just out of camera range. The headphones are retro… very cool…
I’m just glad I didn’t ‘forget’ I was being filmed and scratch my boob or something.
You have BALLS my girl just not between your legs xxxxxxxxxx
Thank you. 🙂
Give yourself a break. I think you did well. My only wish is that we could’ve read your true thoughts in bubble. That would’ve been hysterically funny…
F BOMBS AND ALL!
Hahaha! My TRUE thoughts wouldn’t have had much to do with the topic at all. More, HEY! What’s that thing over there? Why is he doing that? I hope I don’t have a booger. Don’t pull out the mike cord. Why is Randy making faces at me? The bastard.
So I watched your video and OMG-SHUT UP – YOU’RE RIDICULOUSLY ADORABLE!!
Haha.. That’s the first time I have ever been referred to as ridiculously adorable. I love you.
You totally should have got the sticker….and that interviewer needs to stop saying ‘ blah, blah, blah’.
Thank you! And it was off putting
LOL! Those credentials are cracking me up! Trying to think what they could use for me…. “Left a high paying career to raise three kids and blog…”.
PS You were great! 🙂
I’m sending you a sticker. You earned it.
Kimberly
Hahah! YAY!
You did a very good job and I’m not bullshitting here. You were calm, pleasant, honest, and truly, much better than the “blahblah” host. And Faydra’s phallic table ornament (which I first thought was about 6′ tall – cuz I wasn’t wearing glasses & didn’t realize it was on a table and not the floor) was way more distracting than your curtains. You look about 35 for shit’s sake! What googly eyes? At least yours are the same size (let’s leave it at that). I would’ve gone full drugstore sign in about 10 seconds. (I also married at the courthouse. In a maternity dress. With half-wet hair. And that was the first time lol.) You’re way more normal than I expected.
Hahahah…this sounds almost verbatim what a friend told me..
God damn it Michelle! I can’t watch the video until maybe next week. (Data use issues again) I’m sure you did excellent and they should totally give you a sticker. And some tequila. Have fun at your friends’ place, you will surely conquer all of your work projects in due time…
I LOVED THE VIDEO – now I can picture (and hear) you when I read your blog. I’m sorry to say that I haven’t been reading blogs for months – between Al working away from home and us STILL trying to get the little house built (the 2 bedroom home that should have taken 7-10 weeks, max 12 weeks, and we are now into our 25th week and still not finished).
Clearly I was meant to see you today because, as I said, I haven’t read a blog in months and today clicked on the link to read yours – YAY !!!!!! I”m so glad I did. You were great – don’t know what you mean about googly eyes and I loved that you were honest enough to retract your statement at the end and explain further.
I would have loved to have met you if we had made it to Cincinnati – maybe next time now that K has decided to stay for another year and I’m not sure if I can wait a whole 12 months between seeing her !!!
Have the best day and thanks for making the start of my day such a good one !!! Happy Friday !
Oh, I am always so happy to hear from you! I want to hear more about your trip.
You’re funny! Congratulations lady! I’m off to watch you. 🙂
Thank you, sister!
This made me so happy! I loved seeing you and you DO NOT have googly eyes! I really loved that post, being married three times myself, and this just added so much more to that.
The coolest thing was seeing and hearing you, though. Truly. You were great!
Thank you!!! I just felt like I kept darting my eyes all over the place.
Um… yah… you so do NOT have ‘googly eyes’… lol … you looked GREAT to me.
🙂
J
Thank you, Jackie! That means a lot coming from a hot momma like you!
Why is this even a thing? You were clear and sensible and I’m disturbed that people are so nosy and judgemental about other peoples’ lives. Your attitude is great and the headphones did look cute. No googly eyes, maybe look up slightly more (no obsessive scary staring at the screen though).
First off, Michelle, you are my hero.
Second, you don’t have googly eyes.
Third, you gave a good interview and, FTR, the other expert has been married 4 times.
All that said, my time in radio, as a praise and worship leader, and someone who has had multiple experiences trying not to freak out via webcam, I can offer a suggestion… Try to look in the camera. Prop a cut out face behind it if you need to.
Radio was easy… Absolutely NO visuals. Otherwise, being behind a mic while a bunch of people look at you can be disconcerting. Whether or not you can see them. Eyes darting around is a normal thing. In front of a visible audience, I find a fixed point just above the audience and talk/sing to it. Or to the very tops of heads.
In this instance you were talking to a disembodied voice. It’s like talking to yourself… And when you talk to yourself, your eyes go everywhere. Fixed point helps here too… But it’s best if it can be the camera’s eye… So anyone watching has that subconscious thing that says you are talking to them.
Go easy on yourself. You absolutely rock.
THank you SO MUCH for the tips. I don’t know if I will ever be doing this again, but just in case…..
Hahahah, married three times as all merits in this life!
Kudos! There is no freaking way I could have done that without choking. I saw no googly eyes – you looked great. As I watched, I kept thinking of how great you were doing, and wondering where in my house I could have pulled off an interview and not been horrified about what people were seeing behind me. I suppose a blanket/curtains would have covered the dog slobber on EVERY window, but then I would have had to spend an hour lint-rolling the dog hair off of the curtains, and it doesn’t sound like you had that much time.
Also, if going through two divorces doesn’t give you credibility, I don’t know what does! I barely made it through my first one. Rock on with your bad self.
Thank you so much!!!!
What fun seeing and hearing you! You were very poised and articulate–I didn’t hear any babbling at all. You did NOT have googly eyes. It looked like you were considering your words carefully and that you didn’t have anyone on your screen with whom to make eye contact. Anyway, you did an excellent job and I’m sending you peaceful thoughts for a fun and relaxing weekend.
Thank you so much! We did have a fun weekend. Except for the first night when I fell and busted my chin.
Squeee!!! I got to hear your voice AND see your face! No goggly eyes and you did awesome! You’re so natural and authentic! I would have been babbling and giggly and nervous as hell!
Oh, thank you, gorgeous!!!