I’m sitting at my desk right now. I have so much to catch up on since being out most of the week last week because my dad died.

I’m listening the VP of purchasing talk through her office door to a buyer. I think they’re discussing their kid’s sporting events or something, I can’t tell. I keep my door closed so it is muffled.

It is comforting, though. Usually I am mildly annoyed by other people talking when I’m working, but I guess I’m not really working at the moment. It feels nice to have people close who are having normal conversations and not mildly freaking out.

Mildly is a lie. On a scale from “having to tell my sons that their grandpa is dead” to “waiting to see how my mother’s procedure to fix her broken back is going”,  I am at a “curl up in a fetal position and whimper under my desk”. 

I’m trying to get a grip on what fire needs to put out first while watching my inbox fill up one by one with new embers. I can’t remember simple commands that I run every day. Not gonna lie, I’m kind of curious how this is all going to work out today. It’s not looking awesome at the moment.

Right before I started writing this, just at the moment where I decided to do the very first most simple thing, I noticed the toolbar. I read the words “home home home” and they became a spell and a reminder and a desire and sadness.

Home home home

I don’t think I ever noticed that before. Why is it on there 3 times?

home home home. Yes, I wish that would just zap me back home. Where there is comfort and really good coffee and a big TV for binging.

But then I started thinking about home. How very many I have had. How some were sad and some were lonely.  I thought about my dad.

When I saw my mother a few hours after he died, she was fine. Smiling. She assured me she was good and so very happy for my father that he is in a better place now. I told her that this wouldn’t be linear and when she was sad, it was okay. She assured me that she wouldn’t be sad and this was just a joyous occassion.

My heart sank a little because I knew the sadness would come. They were married for 63 years. How could there not be some sadness.

I mean, I would be fine. Our relationship has been pretty non-existant for many years now. I was kind to him, but I never really liked seeing him. I never looking forward to it. Not once.

As as I said in my last post, my mother fell and broke her back in two places. She is getting a procedure some time this morning that should fix it. Before she fell, my sister told me that mom came to her room at 1:30 in the morning to tell her that she was sad. And then she fell a few hours later.

I was with her yesterday and her pain is better. She is groggy, but she seems pretty good for a recent widow with a broken back.

Home home home

A huge part of me considers where ever my mother is to be home. I need for her to get better. I am so worried.

Also, I am so fucking sad today. I knew my mother would have to feel it, but me? Why? Why do I have to feel this shit? It’s not fair to feel this goddamn bad over a man who did not love me. Over a man who injured me in so many ways.

Other than all that? I’m doing fine! Haha.

I am, though. I am okay. I know all of this is expected even if I didn’t really expect it. I know that my worry over my mom is making this worse.

Okay. Now I am going to get to work. Wish me luck, this should be interesting.