I’ve been reading The Bloggess’s blog for a few years now. She speaks very openly about her issues with mental illness and while I am sorry that anyone suffers from mental illness, it is comforting to know that we’re not alone in the world.
One phrase that I’ve read in her blog over and over is this: Depression Lies.
But what if mine doesn’t?
What if my depression is feeding me lines and lines and lines of truth?
When I feel anxious, I am positive that anxiety is way worse than depression. When I feel depressed, I am certain that it’s worse than anxiety.
I feel depressed right now. I hate it.
I hate feeling like nothing matters. I hate feeling like everything is pointless. Tying my shoes, brushing my hair, chewing my food. Pointless.
Why am I depressed?
I hate that question because then the anxiety kicks in. Why AM I depressed? Why? Why don’t I understand the way I’m feeling? Shouldn’t I understand it? Shouldn’t I be able to just tick off the reasons?
I suspect it’s my old lady hormones fucking with me. It reminds me of me when I was around 17 years old. I struggled with depression through most of my teen years and I remember how it would descend on me and just make me feel like I was being crushed by feathers.
It’s not like the depression went away after my teens, but it didn’t seem as severe. Mostly it just hung out in the background and acted up just enough to let me know it hadn’t gone anywhere.
The depression has been different lately. More insistent. More like it was all those years ago. Only I don’t have the stamina that 17 year old me had.
Fortunately, 51 year old me has much thicker skin than 17 year old me had. I understand that this will pass.
It always does.
I will work out every night because it helps. Even though my depression tells me that it’s worthless and stupid to work out. I’m not going to stick with it. I’m never going to fit into that pair of jeans that I keep around for incentive. I should just eat cupcakes and give up.
I will keep writing. Even though depression tells me that I am lame and no one wants to hear what I have to say. And I’m not funny. Also, I am a sad attention whore.
I will work in my garden this week so that my backyard will be pleasant to look at when we park ourselves on the deck throughout the Summer weekends. Even though my depression is telling me that is silly to spend the money and it doesn’t matter. The dirt in the back yard is bad. Nothing will bloom.
Depression is filtering my entire life through it’s bullshit colored glasses right now and the conclusions it is drawing makes me want to cry. I’ve spent decades lost in daydreams without action and now I’m old and will probably die soon and I can’t have back a single second of my wasted time. It’s not interested in my kids or my husband or my grandkids. It’s not interested in the places I’ve been and the work that I do and the home that we’ve built. My depression doesn’t care about my opinions or my passions. It is not impressed when my hands are covered in paint or by any of the words I’ve written. It doesn’t care about books I’ve read or people I’ve met or music that I’ve listened to.
I debated about publishing this because I feel embarrassed that it will be mistaken for a cry for attention or that it will come off as ‘poor, poor me’.
Then I decided that maybe someone will read this and not feel so alone. Maybe you’ve had days or weeks or months like this because your depression is whispering in your ear.
Depression lies.
I have to believe this.
Your depression DOES lie. Blogger is not the same as attention whore. Blogging is having friends you can vent to that can take a break if they get overwhelmed by your posts or can nod and say been there, sone that (or am there, doing that), or can comment and share their experiences of being there or doing that. If they think it’s a pity party, they can leave and come back later – or not.
P.S. It’s depression that’s saying “What if I’m NOT lying?” Tricky little bastard.
Thank you, Janet. Depression IS a tricky little bastard.
I really do appreciate this. I really am not feeling sorry for myself at all right now. I’m impatient because I want to stop feeling like I’m swimming through sludge..but I don’t feel a lot of pity for myself. And you’re right..people can read or not read. That’s up to them. 🙂
O.M.G. I could have written this! Completely and totally right there with you. The anxiety of “I’m acting too big for my britches,” or the debilitating depression where it literally hurts to breathe. I constantly see-saw between them. Thankful for the days where I can find some semblance of balance in the middle ground of just “being.”
I am so glad that you went ahead and shared this. Thank you.
And your yard WILL be beautiful to look at from your squirrel infested deck! I have faith that you will be okay again soon. <3
I live in that in between place most of the time. And I saw an ENORMOUS squirrel at lunch today. It will drive Randy insane. I hope it makes its way to our yard. 🙂
Today… Not sure why I dragged my a$$ out of bed and went to work. Pretty sure that I’ll get nothing done, because “why bother?” – I’m trying desperately not to get sucked down into the depression vortex, but the pull is too strong. Thankfully I can read through all these comments again – hopefully that will help me keep going.
Thanks again for sharing your struggle. Sometimes it helps me just being able to admit my “weakness” – even if I’m only admitting it anonymously – and knowing that I’m not the only one suffering through this shit.
You are far from alone in dealing with this. And I don’t think it’s a weakness at all. I hope your sun starts shining soon, sister. 🙂
I’m so glad you wrote this! I know exactly what you are talking about– and you are not alone. I related to everything. Keep sharing that stuff!! 🙂 <3
Thank you, Laura. Like I said, I don’t want anyone to suffer, but it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
I hear you. Thank you so much for sharing. I know Depression Lies but I also know many of the things that make me feel stressed out and depressed are real: financial problems, family worries, thr recent passing of a beloved pet.
Sometimes I remember Marvin’s line from Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, “You think YOU’VE got problems. What are you supposed to do if you ARE a manically depressed robot?”
I LOVE Marvin.
Yeah, I have some anxiety over some real life issues, too. Ignoring them doesn’t help. But thinking about them ALL THE TIME doesn’t, either.
I can so relate to this. 51 and smack dab in the middle of the fucking “change.” Lately it’s been intense shame, some dread, and combined with grief(?) over the fact that my body can no longer make babies (well, I guess when I get to the point of having not had a period for a year)…not that I ever wanted it to. And I still don’t. Zero regrets on that front, and yet my body seems to want me to be sad about it. Add in Mother’s Day, which I could care less about, and yet am still feeling horrible about. I just have to roll my eyes at myself and, like you, remind myself that it always passes.
getting older is not for pussies.
I’ve had a few times of feeling bad about not having more kids..then I remember..OH..I don’t WANT anymore kids. 🙂
Michelle, I don’t know if I’ve told you this, but every time I read one of your posts, I just want to give you a hug. Not out of some pity or knee-jerk sentimentality, but out of gratitude. Because you are writing the same thoughts that I have, and while I’m not happy you’re depressed, I’m glad that we have a shared experience; that I’m not alone. That I’m not crazy, and that there’s someone else out there that understands. It honestly gives me just a little more strength to keep going, knowing that I’m not the only one. I, too have reacted to people who try to encourage me or tell me “it’s all going to be okay” with the response of “WHAT IF IT”S NOT??? What if my depression is right, and this is the best it’s ever going to get???”
(btw, I hear you about the anxiety — anxiety is HORRIBLE)
So, yeah. Me responding, saying thank you. And big hugs of solidarity, sistah.
Helena
Big hugs right back! I know exactly what you are saying. It’s a good thing we’re awesome. Depression is a dick.
It does lie, and you are none of those things. You matter immensely.
Here’s a hug and a high five from someone who hears the same things sometimes. I love your humor and your honesty and your writing. And I’m in AWE of you for working out every day.
I haven’t found a voice in my head YET that can motivate me to work out every day, even though my body is such that I WILL NOT LOSE ONE OUNCE unless I work out for 40-60 minutes a day and eat nothing but carrot sticks
EVERYFREAKINGDAYFOREVER
Instead I hear that voice that says, “Forget it. You have gained 30 pounds. You will always be this new weight. Throw those old hopeless jeans away and go enjoy a regular meal, for crying out loud. Oh, and you’re also only mildly funny, so you should probably give up that, too. And, the lawn needs mowed. But it still looks like crap. Way crappier than the neighbors.”
So. Yeah. You’re not alone.
HAHA…
Yeah, let’s have an ugly lawn contest. And then have cake.
No please keep sharing. I like what you have to say about “it” not caring about all those things. The good thing is “it” isn’t a real person so f*ck “it”. Keep gardening, keep exercising. Put “it” back where it belongs. In the background. Much love. Xoxox
THank you! I’m working on it. It will pass. I just want it to pass NOW. 🙂
Solidarity….
I hate those lame meaningless virtual hugs that people send in a superficial show of support, but how I wish I could send a real one.
>
This most certainly does not come over as a ‘poor me’ post to someone who suffers from chronic depression and severe anxiety. Every word of it echoes my own feelings when it grabs hold and there is nothing you can do but wait for it to pass.
>
You are worthy, you are funny and you have lots of people who love you. You, my very talented friend have at least one book to write, fridges and miscellaneous household appliances to turn into priceless artwork and post pictures of for my amusement, many fun weekends in the mountains to enjoy, bbqs on the deck, more music, art and literature to discover and more to the point on a very selfish note, your tweets and blogs are something I very much look forward to and make me laugh, a welcome bright spot when my world goes dark.
xxx
You know what? I really adore you. 🙂
Thanks for this. It makes me smile.
A long time ago I got to see Oliver Sacks speak in San Francisco, and what I mostly remember him saying was an answer to a question about psychoanalysis. He said that not being a psychiatrist, he wasn’t qualified to have an opinion about it, but that he did know that there are only two things effective in healing or maintaining a human psyche, and those things are work and love. I found this striking, coming as it did from a neurologist who became famous mostly through his studies in psychopharmacology. (i.e. Awakenings). Hope you are feeling better soon (it sure seems like I’ve said that to you a lot this year) and you can tell your depression that I said that if you can manage to type it here, I’ll want to read it.
Thanks, Doug.
It really has been a rough year. Not rough like other years…things are calm, I’ve just been sick way too much. That doesn’t help. And right now, I am going to go out in the heat and walk until I’m a bucket of sweat. That should help a lot. It usually does.
That’s what I’ve been doing. I’m at a friend’s house in Truckee, CA (about halfway between Reno and Lake Tahoe) and the weather is good. So I have been walking laps around the house, which for me is harder than it sounds. Especially the part where there are sticks and pine cones to navigate, because I don’t do well on uneven ground. Eighteen laps so far, gonna do two more before it gets dark.
Woohoo! Hubs and I got our walk in…now I’m off to lift some weights.
Today you made me cry. So yes, depression does lie. Yesterday you were so damn funny you made me snort my coffee. In public. So yes, depression does lie. And tomorrow you’ll lie on your deck admiring your beautiful garden and fuck if your skinny jeans will matter. Take that, depression. You liar.
I’m sorry I made you cry! And thank you for saying I made you laugh. That makes me smile and smiling is good.
I can’t lie on my deck though, it’s old and splintery. But yes, the flowers will grow and I’ll paint more shit to hang up and we’ll buy more fairy lights and it will look like the county fair fairway like it does every year. It makes me happy.
Michelle, you are definitely not alone, and the comfort that you give to your readers is a enormous gift to the world. I am so glad to hear that you make yourself do the things you know will help you. I get a lot from working in my impossibly weedy yard, and going for walks, and the dog. Sometimes it’s so hard to care about anything, and I have to fall back on pure stubbornness. Depression talks such shit, but it’s hard to ignore it. Remember that you are a person with strengths, and they will endure. Eventually the depression will shut up again.
Thank you, Eleanor…I love this comment because you reminded me of something. I am one stubborn ass motherfucker. I have a strength of will that is stronger than this depression. I need to remember that. 🙂
It seems to me that anyone NOT experiencing anxiety and/or depression in the current political and social environment is either crazy, asleep, or part of the elite. It seems that having these two “disorders” is the only rational response to the insanity that is our world and is a sign of both intelligence and awareness. So…consider yourself “normal” and stop feeling guilty or embarrassed about how you feel as an occupant of a globe gone mad.
Okay..intelligent and aware. I guess that is a better way of looking at it. 🙂
I shield myself from a lot of the madness in the world because I find the older I get, the more it sticks to me until I feel like a walking exposed nerve.
This is SO true Tara! I’ve felt for a long time that WE are the normal ones. I posted about that very thing just last year: http://stopmeifitoldyou.com/2013/11/problem-bloggers/
Just keep reminding yourself that this will pass, Michelle.
Thank you Jana! I know it will..it just feels like it won’t when you’re in the middle of it, you know?
Oh Michelle – it sounds to me like the dreaded ‘M’ word – menopause. I suffered from PND after K was born and then when menopause hit – the depression and anxiety were dreadful. It was really debilitating. I battled to get out because I didn’t want to go out but not only that, after driving a car for 25 years, I suddenly felt like I couldn’t. It was only finding a fantastic hormone dr who specialises in women’s hormones and getting the right medication that things started to turn around.
Having said that it hasn’t been all sunshine and roses, I think I need to go back and get her to look at the dosage of what I am on because my mood swings are getting really bad again.
Depression is a bastard who is also a thief that robs us of our life. I don’t think it’s a ‘poor me’ post, it’s a post that means the rest of us don’t feel alone – there are other people out there who understand how we feel because they feel the same.
Sending heaps of hugs your way !
Me xox
Thank you!!!!
I should talk to my doctor about this…well, not MY doctor, but A doctor. I don’t trust my family doctor to help me. I don’t want to take anti-depressants because I have before and had HORRIBLE issues with it, so I’m terrified to try them again. I just had my yearly exam with my lady parts doctor and I didn’t really talk about this stuff. Maybe I should see her again. I just keep waiting for it to blow over. So far, it just blows.
I totally agree – it blows ! In fact I keep telling my family that ‘it sucks big hairy balls’ – which neither of them like to hear but is totally the truth ! I know that they also have to put up with what I am going through because it isn’t as though I keep to myself while all this is going on !!!!
And, I have said to A on more than one occasion, if I was married to me, I would have left me ages ago, and he just tells me “For better or worse ……. it has to get better sometime” and then laughs !!
Lotsa hugs xox
Haha…you guys sound like us. 🙂
Today I spent most of my time trying to convince myself that I’m not worthless. I know any normal person would look at me from the outside and wonder why I’d even think that, but I do. That’s not reality. It mental illness. And it sucks. But it’s not real. Keep breathing. Wait for reality to break though. It will.
Now you tell me that.
Okay…here it goes.
You are not worthless. I swear. I am POSITIVE of this and I’m not positive about many things.
I’ll keep breathing because I’m still convinced that is the best course of action.
Okay HOLY FUCKING HELL!
I played it cool for like THREE WHOLE MINUTES. I’m not going to tell you how awesome you are or how much you really do help people because you hear that shit all the time..although, I kind of just did a little bit.
Love this response here. I was very impressed by how cool you played it. I was all “maybe they are BFFs.”
Depression definitely lies. I watch it lie to people all the time but I also get to watch people in that moment when they realize what is really true. That moment will come again.
You are definitely not lame. Um, no.
Thank you, gorgeous. That means a lot to me.
I can play it cool…it tiny itty bitty short little bursts. But then I’m a big goofy dork the rest of the time.
The lies are like Imposter Syndrome, if you’ve ever heard of it. We woman are afraid people will find out we’re imposters. It’s powerful that you did speak out, and I’m hoping your depression is at least a little intimidated by your bravery. <3
Hey there gorgeous!!!!
I have heard of that and know it intimately. I’m constantly waiting to be found out.
I don’t feel brave by writing this at all. I’m hidden behind a screen.
It’s nice to see you!!
It’s nice to see you too! And you are brave 🙂
I should have accepted that gracefully the first time you said it. Thank you, Suzanne. xxxxooo big wet sloppy inappropriate kisses all over your face.
I haven’t been commenting lately because I have been so, so, incredibly down and I’ve felt like I have nothing to contribute to any conversation, but I am SO glad I saw this on FB. I love you Michelle and I wish none of us felt like this. I just keep trying to wait it out.
Sister, anytime I hear from you is good. You could comment by just leaving random words and I’m happy to hear from you.
We’ll wait it out and when we come out on the other side, I think we should get super hero capes. 🙂
Dude. You have given me a reason to get out of bed tomorrow. I’m gonna send you a superhero selfie, and you’re going to regret giving me this idea.
I don’t think there is any way in hell I am going to regret it.
Steph — I thought your new post (above) was “More New BOOBS by WordPress.com Authors”
Thanks for making me laugh!
Jana, I don’t even know why it says that. WordPress pimping their own posts? I dunno. But, if I had written it, it would more likely be about boobs!
I’ve written about boobs 3 different times since I started this blog. Hahaa. Maybe I’m due for a new boob post. And where’s the super hero cape??
Depression lies. Anxiety lies. They talk with each other behind our backs and discuss what they can tell us that will freak us out the most, then giggle over it. And they take all our energy doing that. And, yes, it’s probably perimenopause fucking with your brain chemistry, too. I remember that time as being an emotional roller coaster that I thought I’d never survive. Thankfully, I did, and while I still suffer from depression and anxiety, at least the antidepressants *work* on me now- during menopause nothing seemed to help. I hope you feel better soon.
THank you. I will be okay. I just want to feel a little more than I do right now. Hubs asked what was making me sad…but I’m not sad. Not really…just kind of vacant.
I talked to a friend about anxiety and was so freaking awkward about it. I’ve been anxious ever since that she didn’t understand and I probably said all the wrong things and….well…it just goes on from there. so yes, depression and anxiety are having a real good laugh at my expense.
There with you. My mantra after 20 years of on and off depression and anxiety remains “this too shall pass”. I often don’t believe it, but I keep chanting it. Perhaps it is our depression that makes us creative?
My mother taught me that one. It does help..it really does. Sometimes it just feels like it won’t pass.
I think that many creative types (not all) have some sort of mental issue to deal with.
So, the first time I come to comment, and the Bloggess is right before me? That’s a pretty hard fucking act to follow, you feel me?
Michelle, I get horribly depressed sometimes. I don’t know if it lies. Maybe my life really is sucky.
But I know that you’re okay. You’re funny and loving and snarky and bright! I look forward to your tweets everyday. So do a lot of people.
Like…the Bloggess. I guess. Holy shit. That is something, right?
Ummm…the Bloggess comment was a one time thing here…I’m still all geeked out about it. I’m such a dweeb.
I think everyone goes through periods where life is sucky and sad and hard. I think the lies that depression tells you is that it can’t be better…you are not clever enough or even matter enough to be able to help change anything. THAT is the lie.
Thank you for your kind words…I can’t tell you how much I appreciate them. 🙂
I love your posts. Don’t let that asshole depression beat you. It will definitely pass. Also, next time it tells you that you suck, send it here, I will kick its ass.
Your blog is actually the ONLY ONE I subscribe to via email. I LOVE it. I get so excited when that notification pops up on my phone that you have posted a new blog.
You are so funny, and real, and relate-able. Keep on keeping on.
And thanks for making me laugh almost daily! I love that you can keep your sense of humor even in the worst of times!
Ron
Oh wow! Thank you so much. I really appreciate this.
I wish I could send it to you for an ass kicking! That would be so much easier. It will pass, though..it always does.
yep.
JOINS IN THE GROUP HUG OF GRATITUDE.
I LOVE CARLA HUGS!!
Reading this made so much sense. I am glad I am not alone suffering. I have just had a serious bout if depression the worst ever that lasted a year but I am coming through it and I know it will pass for now. It will always be in the background sometimes it’s easier to ignore than other times. I think I used to hide depression but I think that’s wrong and it helps to be more open and talk to others about it. Thank you so much for writing this and being open. Xx
I’m so glad you’ve come out on the other side. I understand hiding it. I was raised in a ‘hide everything away’ environment. That didn’t work out so well for me…talking about it is better. At least for me.
love bloggess… bless her
I also feel my ups and downs are due more to my changing chemistry. But I think the chemistry that is changing is just making me re-prioritize somethings. there are things that used to bother me that I really just dont give a shit anymore… I have weeded my life of the debbie downers and joy suckers… no time for that.
I think that is very wise. Thanks for that!
I feel you. I spent years in therapy, took antidepressants, the works. I too was depressed through most of my teen years, and have sort of managed to learn to cope with it as an adult, but it’s in the background. With on of my primary triggers gone (my dad), it’s better, but with one of my primary supporters gone (my mom), I still have my moments. Depression is a huge self-worth killer. I felt pretty much useless and talentless my entire childhood. I still have major self-esteem issues, When my friends tell me I’m funny, I try hard to believe them. It actually didn’t occur to me that the depression might reassert itself when I got a bit older (I’m 46), so thank you for the head’s up. Forewarned is forearmed. Thank you for sharing your circumstances. Every bit of insight helps. I used to think I was the only person who would think, “What’s the point? Why do we even bother living?” But I know I’m not alone, and while it sounds odd, I’m grateful that I’m not. I’m not glad to hear that anyone is ever depressed, but it is nice to know that while it’s not a nice place to be, there are a lot of really hilarious and fun people there (and you’re one of them!). Thank you for putting that part of yourself out there, and making us all feel a bit less alone.
No..you are far from alone, sister.
And yes, I think the hormonal changes that go with perimenopause and menopause are kind of a dick.
Have you talked to your doctor at all about tests you can do? Like maybe it’s a hormonal imbalance?
Hi Lisa!!
Nope. And I really need to do that. I don’t know if it’s hormonal or not, but I think it might be.
The one-two punch of the anxiety/depression combo are quite formidable. Thankfully, it DOES pass. Batten down the hatches and weather the (possibly hormonal/chemical) storm. I tend to deal with anxiety by alternating bouts of insomnia with stress sleeping. Overall not helpful, but you’re not alone in this boat. (I think I’ve exhausted my nautical metaphors).
You are an anchor!
Haha.
I have a close personal relationship with insomnia, but I am distancing myself with ambien. It’s a wonder drug.
My first thought as I started reading this was (of course, me being me) was “OMG, go work out”… as I continued reading I was relieved to see that you are doing so. But let me ask you this, how do you feel AFTER you work out? do you feel any relief from the depression after you’ve got a sweat going and some endorphins playing in your brain? Almost always works for me when my brain is being a stupid-head. (really hoping it’s the same for you … and if so, yet another reason to do it ‘anyway’).
and btw, the writing thing? Damn, you are funny as shit. If you stop writing I will hunt you down and tie you to your keyboard. Got it? 😉
love you lots…
xoxo
Jackie
Actually Jackie, I DO feel better just after working out. In fact, I’m all sweaty from a long hot walk and I’m getting ready to go lift some weights. I still remember some of the things you taught me. 🙂
xxoo
YAYYY!! (thumbs up)
xoxox
Ohh..and thank you so much. I really appreciate the comments about my writing. I am so insecure about it…but I keep doing it anyway.
… aaaaaand YAYY!! 🙂 LOL.
Depression absolutely does lie. Mine seems to lie to me on a fairly regular schedule–a somewhat predictable one. So the exercise and the writing therapy and the sunshine and the connections with others like yourself can usually keep me on-task. I’m glad you wrote about this. Keep breathing. Keep repeating what you’ve said above. And reach out when you need to.
(And you played it cool for 2.9 minutes longer than I would have.)
Thank you. I did not know how much this would help me. This community is just amazing.
I might not have made it 3 minutes.
Oh Shit, Michelle. I read this thinking all along of the response you were going to get from me, and wondering how could I single handedly lift you out of this, because I am superwoman or some stupid shit, and then I saw that Jenny Lawson posted a comment, and your response was so hilarious and I just want to say thank you. That was a cool moment. I’m glad I got to share it in some way.
Keep writing. Keep working out. I know it doesn’t matter in the long run, but I do think the world of you.
no no no no…it matters A LOT! You have no idea. I didn’t think that this post would make me feel better. I thought it would make me wallow, but it’s not. I feel better. And yes..getting a comment from Jenny Lawson was a thrill and I am so grateful for it, but it’s no more important than all the other comments. it’s like we reinforce each other. It’s fucking awesome.
Why is it many of the most talented and thoughtful people have this thing in their head? Does introspection and intelligence lend itself to it? Does it lead to introspection and so intelligence? Or maybe it’s all random and it just seems to be more common in some because they are the ones who bother talking about it.
This, and the blogess’s post are both insightful and wonderfully written obviously, but this post has gone the furthest toward explaining it to someone like myself who does not have this thing: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2013-10-02T14:53:00-06:00&max-results=10
I in a month lost a job, 5 year relationship, and was told I could never participate in my favorite hobby (basketball) again due to a knee injury I couldn’t afford because I lost insurance with my job. I was fine. I didn’t cry at my dad’s funeral, or when my tortoise died http://itsallabithazy.com/2014/05/14/i-killed-my-tortioise/, and never for a second stressed when my mom had a heart attack and I had to handle everything. Yet if I’m watching a television show, and the right song comes on at the conclusion where some actor dies or a child is born or some other fake life altering event happens for pretend to a stranger, my eyes swell like a river and I feel decidedly unmanly trying to hide them or burp to distract from the obvious.
Feelings are weird. But they also make us. I hope you get better.
Thank you for the links.
It comes and goes. I’ve dealt with it my whole life. It’s just been worse lately, but I think it’s probably hormonal. I need to talk to my doctor about it.
And yes, feelings are very weird. And fascinating. And it’s better to have them than to feel dead inside. Even the uncomfortable ones.
I am diagnosed Bipolar Disorder, and I suffer from anxiety over practically everything. I am also am pretty sure I have PTSD as well, though that is not diagnosed mainly because my Dr is unaware of things in my past because I lied to the intake nurse all those years ago because she scared the hell out of me.
I take Geodon, which is an anti-psychotic, and I take Wellbutrin, which is an anti-depressant. I was lucky to have found a combo that worked for me on the first try. I wasn;t so lucky to get a Dr in the beginning who felt the need to overdose me on almost 3 times the recommended MAXIMUM amount of both for 2 years until another Dr saw me and flat out said no and things were adjusted.
I’ve learned through trial and error that cutting my dosages down of either, but especially the Geodon results in me being suicidal, and alternating between extreme aggression and screaming, crying and throwing things because I feel absolutely nothing inside. Just emptiness. I get very dramatic and totally out of control if my meds aren’t just right.
I hate taking them. I hate relying on chemicals to “fix” whatever is wrong with the chemical make-ups in my brain. Some day I feel broken and worthless. And some days I still feel so depressed I stay in bed for days just getting up to pee. But compared to without them? My life is pretty much perfection. Its not all fixed from the meds though. Finding a stable, loving relationship (5 years in July! O.O) with someone who supports me, getting out of my mom’s house, who has never supported me in anything in my life, and slowly finding out who I really am and who I want to be has improved my life a hundredfold. Realizing there is no “perfect” also helps because I’m not stressing about reaching ideals that don’t actually exist. So yeah, totally agree that there are many factors in one’s recovery.
Hang in there Michelle! It will pass, things will improve, and one day you’re going to find out what works best for you and how best to stick it. And you’re totally not an attention whore- you’re one of my favorite bloggers, you’re funny, you’re caring, and pretty fucking awesome, mental warts and all!
Oh wow, thanks for sharing, Deb…you rock.
I’m so glad you’re finding your way and have some peace in your life. Having a loving and stable relationship is great. Randy and I took a while to find our groove, but we found it and it’s good. It’s good to understand that life is never going to be perfect, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be pretty fucking cool in it’s own messy way.
Thank you, also, for your kind comments. I really appreciate it.
I’m sorry I don’t keep up with your posts the way I’d like to, but this hits home for me. That’s exactly how it is. Pretty sure it’s been this way my whole life, too…though I don’t like saying it, because it feels like giving too much power to a thing that already has way too much of my head space. What a shit!
Anyway, you may (or may not, who knows) appreciate this music: http://crywank.bandcamp.com/album/tomorrow-is-nearly-yesterday-and-everyday-is-stupid.
I’m in the process of writing a post about it because it has totally made my week! 🙂
I have not heard that before..thank you so much for sharing it! I REALLY liked it.
Although I myself do not live with depression, I do have an interest in it because at one point I lived with a girlfriend who lived with it. It was surreal at times to witness the mood swings within a short period of time, like a light switch was flipped. Her explanation of what was going on in her head and bloggers like you and The Bloggess can give those of on the outside looking in a better idea of what is happening. Thank you for sharing these stories and thoughts.
You’re welcome. That is my hope. That it helps with understanding and maybe help people who deal with depression ot feel alone. Well, that and writing about it helps me deal with it. I’m not an unselfish person.
Michelle, there is not much more that I can add here, except that depression linked to hormones and menopause is real, and it can be treated with bio-identical topical hormones that are not pharmaceutical. My lady parts doctor is dedicated to using natural remedies whenever possible and I would highly recommend this path. It changed my life in 2010 when I turned 50. I was a raw, raging hormone and the cream really helped. Just my two cents. It’s not just you.
(And the Bloggess commented here…oh.my.gawd)
I really need to look into that! Thank you so much. I really am MOSTLY okay. It’s just the mood swings are a bit more violent now. Enough that I really have to do something about it.
And right on the Bloggess? It really did make my night and I was feeling HORRIBLE that night.
Wow this spoke to me on so many levels. thank you!!! i think the same thoughts. We have to fight so hard for our sanity . I get it! you got it! you go this. love it!
Thank you. I am so glad it spoke to you. 🙂
I feel relieved that you wrote this as it depicted the world I’ve lived in since I was a young girl. Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart and mind and helped me from feeling I’m alone in my struggles. This is why o write, it’s cheaper than therapy and the rewards of “I get it”, “I’ve got your back” make every moment of doubt and anxiety worth it in the end. While my depression monster loses another battle with me feeling free.
I am so glad this spoke to you. I started writing for much the same reasons…I had no idea how much satisfaction and joy I get from making connections with other people.
Yes, it does lie. It’s just hard to tell that when you’re in the middle of it. I, too, sometimes (often) just want to give up & eat cupcakes.
It really is hard to tell sometimes. And YAY for cupcakes!