There’s a part of me that has been awakened.
This part of me had been mostly dormant for years, but the older I get, the more I notice my physical self reacting to sights, smells, and sensations in a big, bad way. It’s my sweat glands.
I guess it would have been more accurate to say the salty side of aging rather than the sultry side.
I have also found my vocabulary has dwindled.
There are only so many minutes in the day to speak. It’s hard to find the time to discuss 19th century literature, medieval history, or the pros and cons of using a top sheet when so many of those 1,440 minutes available are used saying the following sentences:
Is it hot in here?
Goddamn, it’s fucking hot in here.
Who turned up the heat?
Aren’t you hot?
I’m burning up.
I think my feet actually caught on fire.
For all that is holy, turn off the space heater. Do you want me to die?
I swear, if we don’t open a window, I’m going to vomit on you.
Holy shit, look at the size of the zit on my chin.
Okay, that last one doesn’t have anything to do with being constantly overheated, but damn.
You should have seen the zit I just had. It had smaller zits orbiting it. I think it may have affected the tides. Just the Atlantic ocean. Not the Pacific. Don’t be silly.
I thought I was finished with my face exploding. I didn’t have acne as a teen, but I made up for it with adult onset acne. It’s been months, maybe a year, since I’ve had a zit. But does that mean I get to be done with it? No. No, apparently I do not.
I also get super cold.
I’ve always been quick to overheat. Cold weather doesn’t bother me a lot and I’m not fond of summer. I mean, if it’s frigidly cold out, I’m just as uncomfortable as the next crabby, sweaty menopausal woman. But I am never chilly indoors.
Until a few years ago.
So, mostly, I am catching on fire.
I am sometimes afraid my face will melt off except for when I’m freezing and no amount of blankets
chases away the chill. Even curling up next to Randy doesn’t work and I’m pretty sure Randy’s ass is part furnace. Usually, when we’re in bed, I’m telling him to stay on his side of the bed because I’m fucking hot as shit (yes, you are. Ed.)
But now, there are nights when I’m freezing and cannot get warm. I am tempted to cut Randy open like Luke Skywalker cut open that tauntaun and crawl inside. Because the furnace ass just isn’t enough.
No worries. Randy is in no real danger. Probably.
I also have moments where my entire body goes at war with itself.
I am cold and sweating, which you would think can’t happen, but it absolutely does. I feel overheated and miserable, yet chilly. It’s no fun and the worst is when it happens at night. I have actually taken the covers off and on so rapidly that I cause a draft in the room. Which both feels good and makes me too cold.
I don’t want to be a total downer about aging. Mostly, it’s amazing. I love who I am becoming. I feel better in my head than I ever have.
The bizarre, rapid temperature changes are exhausting, though.
Photo courtesy of Comfreak
The only thing worse than one menopausal woman in the bedroom is two. Thankfully I am done with that mess for the most part, but trust me on this one. Two, is two too many!
I fully commiserate with the, it is cold it is hot, and why is the window open when it is -40 outside AND the fan is on. (That one is completely my fault.) And, I still have the nerve to say, “I am hot!”
It does get better. I am still hot, but I was always hot before puberty even, so not suspecting that is going away anytime soon.
Get an electric blanket…one that you can turn on one side, but not the other. For those cold nights. And if Randy is having a cold moment. Turn his side on too!
I don’t know if I’m ready for an electric blanket yet…That sounds like torture..I am USUALLY too hot. With moments of freezing. And yeah, two menopausal women in the same bed? Misery.
Ice packs are your friend! Unless you roll over on them and the accidentally break. And you have blue stuff everywhere. Then they are the enemy.
HAHAHAH…good suggestion though! I will give that a shot. Not the breaking them part. Although, since I am me, that is a likely outcome.
I was taking the black currant and the evening primrose, for a few months… They do help, but I think they may be a little constipating and that’s a ‘no-go’ situation with a double whammy 😉
I’d rather have another baby than be constipated… so…
Y’know….
For me, having a ‘power surge’ when I’m in my super-duper, extra warm feeding clothes with a cart full of hay is the worst.
I have to stop and rip off my hood and stocking cap and get my head cooled off, at least… I’m pretty sure the horses can see the steam billowing around me.
I don’t even bother relaying my changing inner thermostat… Tim can see the sheen and sometimes, my bangs stick to my forehead 🙂 for the ‘wiping of the brow’ that defies all makeup and curling iron presets.
The adult onset acne is just the icing on the cake, ain’t it?
Yes..super shitty icing.
LMAO, it’s funny because it’s true! I hear you, yes to all of this! I’m perimenopausal – so I’m going through night sweats and then extreme chills and my period is out of control! Ugh! This is part of the reason why I don’t wear Foundation anymore. 5 minutes after putting on my face it’s already melted off and my makeup looks like a snow cone in July, even though it’s March.
It is just miserable. My periods got unmanageable and I ended up having a uterine ablation. Best procedure EVER.
Been there, done that. I’ve got a 1 degree comfort zone now. My favorite part of this story? The zit. (It had smaller zits orbiting it. I think it may have affected the tides. Just the Atlantic ocean. Not the Pacific. Don’t be silly.) Hysterical.
HAHA..if I just write down EXACTLY what I’m thinking, without saying “no, that’s dumb” it usually works.
Now I’ve got Anne Ramsay in “Throw Momma From The Train” saying “The night was SULTRY, dammit,” stuck in my head.
Not that you in any way resemble Anne Ramsay. Aside from being really fucking cool. And hilarious.
I should get out of here before I add any more hot air.
HAHAHAH…my bad grandma actually looked quite a bit like Anne Ramsay and I favor (in looks) my dad’s side of the family…soooooo…that MIGHT be in my future.
The best is getting a hotflash in the grocery store, and off goes the coat…and the scarf…and the sweater, and would anyone care if I took my boots off? It’s not fair when it’s snowy and freezing, what are we supposed to do, wear summer clothes to the grocery store? ugh. I have found that eating keto helped tremendously with the hot flashes. And shh, if you ever have post-menopausal bleeding, don’t say I didn’t warn you about the dreaded endometrial biopsy, have it in the hospital asleep, don’t let them bull you that it’s NOT THAT BAD.
Della
oh god..my doctor tried to tell me she could do my uterine ablation in her office with a little valium for the pain.
No. NOOOOO. I got knocked out.
The good news, so far as I can tell, is that after all of this, you’ll never feel hot again. I have been around my mom, aunt, and grandmother quite a bit lately, and they seem to always be cold.
But they still don’t talk about 19th century literature… granted, they didn’t do that when they were 30.
Well, to be honest, I never really talked about 19th century literature. Not a lot at least.
Sorry, Michelle. Laughing. You make it sound so funny and that thought about opening up Randy like a carcass I’m sure made his eyes pop out. As someone older, don’t worry, this will pass. Once you’re safely on “Menopause Island,” this stuff evens out. (Fun being female, huh?)
Hahaha..it’s a blast. Randy isn’t worried..he’s used to me saying shit like this.
As Laurie Stone said, this too will pass. I was hot one night and my ex touched me and said damn you are hot. I told him you should be on this side. The good thing is I was always cold natured, not any more. I still have them on occasions when I am anxious-really stressed. Since I left the last job it doesn’t happen as much. It always cracks me up when I go to the doctor and they ask me when I had my last period. I know for sure it was not this century.
No periods IS THE BEST THING EVER!!! Even better than sliced bread. I think. Probably. Bread is pretty awesome.
The funniest things are true because we can all relate! I had goosebumps on my arms but my brain did not register I was cold and to put on a sweater. Of course I thought I was having a brain aneurism with links in my brain were not working! I wrote a series of posts a couple of years ago on “How to get through Menopause without becoming a felon”.
Hahaha…I need to read those.
I was drenched 10 seconds after my husband hit the bed. Since he’s an insomniac and can’t go back to sleep if awakened, and he was awakened when I repeatedly threw off the covers and stripped off my pajamas, we decided on separate beds (for sleeping). Having my own queen sized bed in a room where I control the temp has been a big help. I’ve also noticed a decrease in sweats since I started exercising more. It’s not over, but it’s better. And at least, at the gym, I’m supposed to be hot and sweaty! I avoid mirrors though. Once, in a barre class, I had a flash and the mirror in front of me fogged up. No lie.
OMG I believe it. I think sometimes I will see steam rising off me.
That’s climate change that no one can deny. Stay strong, it gets better.
Kinda.
Haha..thank you!!!
Yeah, that doesn’t sound like fun–sorry (but it was fun to read as always!)
I don’t think I am going through menopause yet (I would love that because my periods suck sooooooooooooo bad. I hear I don’t want it, but my periods suck soooooooooo bad) but when I am laying down in bed I have two temperatures–Hot as all fucking hell and why is it so fucking cold. There is no in between. And it is only when I am in laying down in bed. I can be laying on the sofa…normal…but in a bed, no matter the temperature outside—hell or why is it so cold?
Honestly, the process isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The benefits FAR outweigh the shitty aspects.
Being male and all, I think I’ll just try to avoid saying anything stupid and hope that you’re feeling better soon.
I’m okay. Just a little sweaty.
When I was going through the change, we had a waterbed. One with a very nice handy-dandy temperature control on it. So every morning when I was making that bed, I’d turn the temperature control down a teensy bit. My husband, who’d been sleeping in the nude since we first got married, suddenly pulled out and started wearing an antique pair of pajamas. Me? I thought the bed was finally feeling GOOD. One morning, my hubby jumped out of bed and stood next to it glaring at me like a pissed-off gorilla. He said, “I can’t stand it! You’re sucking all the heat out of my body!”
Good little wife that I am, I laughed my ass off. Needless to say, we got rid of the waterbed shortly after that.
And yes, I TOTALLY used that story in my novel “Hot Flashes and Cold Lemonade.” 🙂
Hahhaa…omg..I used to have a waterbed years ago. I can’t imagine how that would turn out now.
Omg yes…
I’m way past menopause because somehow our family lucked out and it starts and ends for us between ages 39-43 (yay me), but I still seem to have a residual *flash fry* setting internally. Which is awesome because I’ll be sitting in my favorite chair, minding my own business, then suddenly it’s like the actual chair is on fire and—“OMG ARE YOU HOT WHY IS IT SO HOT IN HERE I MUST TAKE OFF EVERY PIECE OF CLOTHING RIGHT NOW OR I WILL ACTUALLY MELT”, which totally doesn’t work when you have company and the windows are already open, even though it’s 25 degrees outside. So, yeah…
I can see them all giving each other that “Mom’s gone around the bend a little, hasn’t she?” look.
And so much yes, to no monthly nonsense any more. Just YESSSS
HAHAHAHHAHA…I go around that bend as well
It is good to find humor in menopausal misery. I have dealt with hot flashes and night sweats for close to 10 years. I finally went on hormone replacement and AAahhh! what a sweet relief it is. Before hormone replacement as crazy as it sounds, I would even go through a sweat/freeze session in the shower. Thanks for the humor–love it and need it!
It’s better to laugh than to cry.
This is hilarious, and spot on. Ready for the Burning-or-Freezing Woman to pick a team, any time now.
Hahahah..exactly!!!
Hahahahahaha! Thanks for the laugh!
Just wait until your joints start aching and your leg and groin gets a feeling that they are going to give out but not ALL the time only sometimes. Talk about living on the edge. Must be Mother Nature’s way of making life exciting.
Exciting..I guess that is a word one could use. hahahahah
The new phrase in our house is “peri-menopausal temperature fluctuations”. I don’t know that I’m experiencing hot flashes yet (which means I’m probably not), but I get randomly feverish! Not sick, just a fever. Weird? I assume it has to do with aging.
Probably. A lot of weird shit starts happening. Not a fan of a lot of the physical changes, but I did the changes in my head.
I believe you about the cold sweats. For some reason, when I overheat my belly goes ice cold. The only explanation we’ve got so far is that I’m not actually human… which Husband says makes a lot of sense when you think about it.
I believe it. I think Randy has yeti in his lineage.
a good laugh on a hot topic! have been having sweats for the last 5 years and am sick of it… they are getting better but i live in a tropical country and its always hot so having hot flushes in 90 F is really fun…
The mood swings were probably the worst for me, crying over nothing and anger over the smallest of things. but its getting better, hopefully it will end soon.
Knock on wood, my mood swings have passed. I was treated for PMDD, which is PMS on steroids. It was a nightmare. I’m so much better now. Not that I’m giving up my xanax, but I don’t need it nearly as much.
Oh my God, I swear, you are living my life, just a few years later! I mean, even down to the ablation (seriously the best choice of my life).
And of course, much more articulately. 😀
I’d like to tell you that it gets better…but I would be lying through my teeth. The zit part does get better, but the hot/cold/hot/freezing/hot, not so much.
I figured as much. It’s making me a cranky person.
Ah, menopause – don’t ya love it?!? The only time you can be simultaneously sweating & shivering…
At least I’m down to an average of only one hot flash per night
Yeah…I get one or two a day, it’s not bad. My poor sister in law gets dozens a day.
Oh, & we used to have a waterbed too – although our problem was the opposite: I kept on cranking up the heater until I was slowly parboiling my husband! (He’s so hot-natured he could’ve slept on the bed COLD)
Hahaha…that sounds like heaven right now. I am burning UP
This is the best thing I’ve ever read online, and I’m old enough to not only relate but also to have been online since the 80s. Thank you! And you are soooo not alone. I’d laugh harder, but that’s risky, you know…yet another gnarly secret of aging!
Oh wow!! THank you so much for this!!! xo
Word.