Friday night.
Randy and I were in the kitchen, hanging out until our Friday night phone call with our mountain friends. Friday night youth group is the shit. Randy made burritos while we listened to music and talked. While we were talking, I had an epiphany.
You know how we have a “type”? Like certain physical characteristics we are attracted to? I realized I could go all the way back to the 6th grade when I was hopelessly in love with Chris Johnson. Chris Johnson was completely out of my league. He was a 12 year old Adonis. I was small and quiet and my awkwardness was starting to bloom. I loved him from afar.
One time, though, we were in a group together walking through a field. He turned to me, elaborately bowed, and said “I am a fairy nice boy.” And then he kissed me on the lips. Just a peck. I have no idea why he said what he said, but I never forgot what he said. I treasured that moment for a year, maybe two. He had pretty eyes and bushy dark hair.
My 8th grade romance was with a boy with pretty eyes and bushy, dark hair. My first serious boyfriend had pretty eyes and bushy hair. So did my first husband. And my second husband. Although, the second husband was quite a departure from the other ones, but still, in the ballpark.
I had never thought about how nearly everyone I’ve ever dated or been attracted to or married had a very similar type. All the way up to Randy. Who, of course, has pretty eyes and bushy dark hair. With some silver in it.
Randy: I have a type, too.
Me: And?
Randy: Dark hair, funny, smart.
Me: Do you wish I was taller?
Randy: Nope.
Me: Dude, you totally averted your eyes.
Randy: No I didn’t.
Me: Yes you did.
Randy: I don’t wish you were taller.
Me: Oh my god, you averted your eyes again.
Randy: I did not.
Me: You wish I was taller.
Randy: Yeah, I wish you were 6 foot 3 and I could put you in the WNBA.
Me: And in this fantasy world, I am an object where you get to put me places?
Randy: Yeah, that was an asshole thing to say.
Me: Yes.
Randy: I only did it because you were being an asshole about me averting my eyes.
Me: Whatevs.
Me: I have to go write this “Randy is an asshole ” story down.
Randy: Don’t forget who edits and has technical control over your blog.
Me Motherfucker, I didn’t forget shit. I know who has control.
Randy:…
Me:…
Randy:…
Me:…
Randy: Twat.
So, we had our phone call and Mountain girl picked a random number for my give away earlier this week. She picked Anita’s name. Congrats, Anita! For those of you who didn’t get picked, that is totally not my fault. Mountain girl picked the name, sooooo….
I am also super excited to tell you guys that I now write a goddamn column. Yep. I have a column at Vibrant Nation now. I will have two original stories a month there. My first one was published last week. Please stop by and say hi.
Here are a few memes I had on Rubber Shoes In Hell’s Facebook page:
My ex-husband had a foot fetish (unbeknownst to me at the time I married him!). When we split, I was talking to my brother-in-law and he said, “You have a fetish too”. Um, no, I most certainly do not. A fetish is something you have to have in order to be sexually aroused. I sure as shit do not. So I asked him to explain. He asked me to think of every guy I had ever dated, or married. Every one had very dark hair and a mustache (NO, my dad did not!). My celebrity crushes are John Stossel and Tom Selleck. So, yeah, I have a TYPE. I did get remarried — to a guy with very dark hair and a mustache 🙂
CONGRATS on the column! I know famous people now. Damn.
Thank you! And HAHAHAAHAH..famous people don’t sit in a cubicle 5 days a week.
The ones that are hiding do… theirs might be a 20 ft by 120 ft cubicle surrounded by flowers and a lake, but, cubicle, all the same.
Does it count that I KNOW you if I never really MET you? I’m pretty sure I could pick you out in a crowd or run to you in the airport…
I dunno, I’m pretty nondescript. Haha.
I think I need to develop a type because my playing field is all over the place. Hmm. Yeah, none of my exes have any similarities.
& yes, congrats on the column! That’s super awesome. 🙂
Thank you so much! I am excited about it. I am still working through the “don’t fuck this up” anxiety, but I’m getting there.
What column? I’m out of the loop, if there is a loop.
Congratulations on your new writing gig and pre-fame status!!
I could tell you about my ‘type’ but then I’d have to go scrub my eyeballs.
When I picked my good husband, I purposefully avoided my ‘type.’
So far, so good. But I wouldn’t recommend a complete deviation from things you appreciate…
If you’re Type A, pick Type A, otherwise, neither of you are off of the couch at the same time.
LOVE the ‘Discrediting by Quote’ meme!
Thank you so much! I really am excited about it.
I’m not sure I have a type. The women I’ve been in love with are actually fairly different from one another. Sorry to hear about your mom’s awful neighbor, but congratulations on the column.
I didn’t think I had a type, but than I started thinking back and realized that all the women I have been with or attracted to… they totally worshipped my ass. One girl, the very first time we met, came right out and said my ass was “spiritual”. I wasn’t sure exactly what she meant but I totally fell for her.
Or maybe I’m just vain as hell about my ass. *smiles smugly and pats bum*
Btw… congrats on column. You rock, girl!
Sounds like Randy was in a no win situation in this conversation. Congrats on the column!
Congrats on you new column! You’ve more than earned it. Please make sure you supply a link to all your columns, as I haven’t been able to see how to subscribe independently.
I’m sorry you mom has to put up with that kind of behavior, but I’ve noticed that this election is bringing out the dickwads by the masses. It’s almost as if “he’s” building an army – might makes right?
Congrats, M! And a part of you thought it’d never happen…silly girl. Avert, don’t avert, Randy. It seems you two were destined to share time. Maybe it was written in the stars – or written with a fabulous pen in a very unusual (but perfect) notebook. Either way.
I thought I had a type, but now that I am really thinking about it, I am pretty much all over the place. Hmm…
Congratulations on your new column! That is really exciting!
I don’t think I have a physical type. Past loves have been all over the map. Prior to Drummer Boy, I suppose my type was “guys who treat me like shit.” I’m pretty glad to be going against the grain this time, you know?
Congrats on the column. I hate you. Ooops, I mean I love you. But you knew that. 😉
I don’t have a type, but I do sort of wish I was 6 foot 3. Someone could put me in the WNBA, which I was not aware was even still in existence.
I don’t have a type. Not grossly obese by several points but I can’t think of a type. Female. Yep, gotta be female. The only one my mom liked was my wife now so there is that.
I like a nice, calm smile too and a willingness to go through some fucking rough times. Those seem to be rare. I’ve been down so far since ’99 that all of my shit (except my tools) fit in the Condo cab of a semi. My girlfriend, now my wife, threw in her lot and rode with me as naviguesser using our GPS and a laptop and by god she took her job seriously, then and now.
My type, I guess, is a woman who’ll put up with my shit. I am content.
I have a thing for guys with unique noses and egg-shaped heads…..think Adam Sandler. It comes out in various forms, but still always those two characteristics in any man that lasts.
Hah, I love the conversations you and Randy have. Though really, the WNBA probably wouldn’t be so bad? I don’t know. Unless you abhor sports. I kind of do.
Congrats on your column! I think a shovel is too good for that guy, but I can’t think of a better implement just yet.
I have a hard time with light skinned blonde or fair hair men, they all look the same to me at any age. This may be more a discriminatory brain thing than a type because I also have a hard time with fair skinned blonde women, they all look alike to me! Some actor I can’t keep them straight if they are this type.
Congratulations on your column…I definitely have a type, tall, preferably skinny and small (beady) eyes.. and my son is the one who pointed that out to me..
Since I’ve been happily married to a woman who’s taller than me for more than twenty-three years now I’m pretty sure “taller than me” is part of my type. But that may actually be necessity rather than preference. At my height I look up to a lot of people.
I’m so glad I found this blog because I rarely read my emails….so it was fate!
My first boyfriend, two husbands, and two long term relationships were all southern, over six feet, black hair and green eyes. I thought I was the only odd one…and my father, was way over six feet, dark haired, but as some have suggested, he was neither slender or green eyed.
I am so glad you’re here!
I don’t have a physical type. I need someone more cerebral. That being said my ex was a fluke.
Yeah..being able to have a discussion is important. haha.
That eye roll meme is most excellent!
Not sure I have a type, but I’ve been with my husband for 40 years, so ya, I guess he is my type! And vice versa.