I mean, it might be my mojo.
I started writing a few things. I entered a humor writing contest where you create funny headlines, pick your favorite and write a story. I am posting my first attempt here today. It was okay, but I like the one I actually submitted a lot more. The results will be announced today. I don’t expect to win anything, but it does feel good to write again.
I haven’t found my mojo yet, but I am getting glimpses of it.
Anyway, here is the story I decided not to enter.
Amaze Your Guests With Easy Hors D’oeuvres Created From Food Found in Your Bra
If you are a woman, have boobies and wear a bra, chances are, you discover the occasional food stuff when removing your bra.
If you are like me, and have the manual dexterity of a toddler on crack, this happens almost daily.
Wait? What? Is…is this a cashew? I didn’t have cashews today.
Your bra might yield a single bite Hors D’oeuvres or a mouthful, depending on your cup size.
Either way, you probably won’t have enough to feed a party. Even on my best day, I’ve never yielded more than enough for a paltry midnight snack.
I suggest you use your bra leftovers as inspiration for offering friends and family an evening of culinary delight.
Find a pine nut?
Make that one pasta salad recipe, heavy on the parsley and capers with pine nuts and hold the mayo. You know, the pasta salad that no one eats because it doesn’t look like every other pasta salad dish on the planet. Even though it’s goddamn delicious.
Partially melted cheese?
Fondue! I mean, clean up the Fondue maker first because damn.
Find an m&m? Plain or peanut?
Don’t forget to have a variety of sweet treats for the kids! Also, eat that m&m as soon as you find it because it will be soft and squishy and delicious.
Tiny scrap of meat from the ill-advised meatball sub you had at lunch?
The sub which made your stomach bubble like a cauldron? Make Aunt Betty Jean’s crockpot meatballs! Of course! It’s not a party until you break out crockpot meatballs in jelly sauce.
Beer nut?
Perhaps, just spend a little less time at the corner bar. If you’re finding beer nuts, then you probably have some issues that need to be addressed before you consider entertaining guests.
The point is, nearly any scrap of food that drops out from under your boob can be used to spawn ideas.
When you remove your bra at the end of the day, what shakes out can help guide you in your quest to create the perfect party atmosphere.
For all that is holy, keep your inspiration a secret.
Experience dictates no one appreciates receiving such information. The only bonus is the comical faces your guests make when they freeze mid-bite upon hearing the origin of the food they are eating.
Another word of warning: Do not eat or draw inspiration from any morsel of food found in your bra if you find it after having words with Delores in accounting. The food will be bitter and will poison the air around you. You know how toxic Delores is.
The only thing you can do with that food is to bury it and salt the earth, then pray no man nor beast disturbs the ground under which it lies.
Oh, if you do find partially melted cheese in your bra?
Wash that bra pronto. You don’t want to wear your cheesy bra and risk hearing “What the hell smells like sour milk?” all day at work.
*standing applause*
*whistle whistle whistle*
The ‘better’ one can’t be much ‘better.’ <3
*delighted squeak*
*giggle*
Thank you, sister!
I didn’t even get an honorable mention on my entry. But oh well, I’m writing. I am going to post that one on Medium, but then post it here on Thursday.
Hysterical!!! I love the twist into inspiration.
Thank you!! XO
This is a great public service. From now on I’m going to be suspicious of any food served to me at a cocktail party. And I’ll never ever again ask, “Where did you find this recipe?”
Also I can’t wait to read the submitted piece.
You are so wise. It’s best not to ask. I’m going to publish the not winning piece on Medium and link it here. That’s where the contest took place, in unpublished drafts in Medium.
I SAW you eating that jelly bean, that black jelly bean, you stole from the jelly bean jar on my desk. I don’t keep jelly beans on my desk for the likes of you, and everybody here knows that black jelly beans are my favorite.
Also everybody here knows that you stashed additional stolen jelly beans in your bra.
Don’t try to go all oh I’m so clumsy I can’t eat without getting food in my bra on me, I’m on to your ways, skank.
Hey, you wanna go to lunch at that meatball sub place?
Delores from Accounting
HAHAHAAHA
Hahahaha, that’s the Mojo!!!
Thank you for putting my current mood into words.
We shall overcome xx
XOXOXOXO
My wife, Mrs Nbrat, has a generous busom but NEVER shares the harvest she reaps from her bra! Do you think I should share this post with her?
Well, you could..but bra food isn’t usually meant to be actually shared.
Very funny and inspirational for sure!
Thank you, sister!
And this is the one you didn’t enter?
I’d say you have your mojo back.
(Seriously, girl – when did you ever lose it?)
Oh, I did. I did for a long long time. And thank you. xo
Too funny, and too true! I’ve found earings and even a necklace in there too.
Yeah, I’ve found an earring before
I love it! I am going to have to pay closer attention though-due to my rural lifestyle, I usually discover stickers, leaves and the occasional olive pit. A nice nibble would be appreciated at the end of the day.
Hahaha..thank you!
Oh my! You’re wonderful. Always were. You may have felt like you lost it at some point, but we never got that feeling from your words. You’re a terrific and funny writer. Even when your topic is depressing and orange, you consistently instill a note of hilarity in every blog.
If this was second best, I can’t wait to read the submission.
Thank you so much! It didn’t win anything, but I’m still happy with it.
I’ve known women who hid their dope in their bras, and I’ve known men who wanted to do that dope just because it had been in there.
My girlfriend Pam once had a quarter fall on the floor as she took her bra off and stood there staring at me with grisly death in her eyes silently daring me to make a joke about it.
Silly girl, my survival instinct is much better than that.
It was kinda funny, though.
I’m glad you feel like writing again, I feel as if we may have turned a corner this week and perhaps better times are ahead.
A Widow’s Toast
Neko Case
Spectres move like pilot flames
Their widows toast at St. Angel
Better times collide with now
The tears were warm, I feel them still
Their heat to vapor and disperse
And cloud our eyes with weary glaze
You raise your glass and may exclaim
“I’ll put my hands on the truth by God”
But it’s faster, love, than you and me
Faster than the speed of gravity
That’s how it catches you from falling
And how it always slips away
Spectres move like pilot flames
Their widows toast at St. Angel
Better times collide with now
And better times
And better times are coming still
Love it…and I’m not surprised you have strong survival skills. haha!
1) I was just on the bus with stinky food and I was proud.
2) I am trying to figure out how to share my latest evolution of mojo with you (I sang and recorded it.) I really like the song, too…I keep walking around singing to myself.
Gonna write the names of all my dead lovers
neck-to-wrist all down my arm
neck-to-wrist right down my arm
3) Our collaboration is up (link attached here.) Thank you for sharing the painted leaves with the world. That’s just beyond awesome and we don’t deserve you.
Oh THANK YOU!!!!!
I once thought my skin cancer had come back but it was a sesame seed (as you guessed, in my bra).
HAHAHAHAHHA