Because I don’t suck.
If you are hurting, I will listen to you. I am not perfect and sometimes, wait to talk, but mostly, I will listen. If you need encouragement, I will be your cheerleader.
I like who I am.
It has taken decades for me to be able to say that and not be lying.
I want to help. I want to be part of the solution. Sometimes, I pull up short. I’ve had my nose skinned and have reached out in ways that were awkward. But I reached out.
I fail, I learn, and I try. I feel defensive sometimes, and sometimes feel lost. But I try.
I genuinely care. I am a good shoulder to cry on.
I have wells of strength deeper than the holes I dug in my back yard when I 
tried to dig to China using just a table spoon. Don’t scoff. I worked on it an entire summer and by the time I was done, the hole was over my head.
So why do I have to feel so scared and so goddamn alone when my anxiety is fucking with me?
Don’t be shocked, because I know I haven’t talked about this much, but my anxiety has been making my prescription go from a crutch I keep in my purse to actually using it. Also, we need a sarcasm font.
Also, and bear with me please because I just took a hard left. I just realized, this very minute, how necessary it is for me to work toward not being part of the goddamn problem. I have a prescription for anxiety medicine because my brain is sometimes sick and makes it hard to function. My anxiety medicine is not a crutch. I don’t need crutches. My legs aren’t broken. My brain just makes life hard sometimes. This is me. This is a lot of people. Bear with me, I am a work in progress.
Anyway, my point is, I am a good person to have around if you are in pain. I will do anything I can to soothe you.
Why can’t I do this for myself?
I am literally right here.
WHY is it always possible to cut slack for others, to be kind to others, to forgive other’s flaws, to NOT expect others to be at the top of their game every goddamn day but we can’t do that for ourselves (or, at least, not on days ending in a “y”)? Rilly, I want to fucking know!!!
I’ve got unused chill-me-out meds in my pack too.
I got mine refilled today, thank the stars. I just have to have them with me. If I don’t, I get super anxious. I just need them close by and then I don’t have to take them. Mostly. Some days they are completely necessary.
❤
Back atcha, sweetness..
I’m so glad you don’t suck! I certainly do, more than I’d like. I fail more than I’ll confess at kindness and support.
I live with chronic depression and now anxiety has added itself, courtesy of illness. It takes serious effort to focus on others sometimes, as a result. But I do make the effort, at least.
We’re all doing the best we can. I wish I could convince you to not be so hard on yourself. Just try, okay? Give yourself a break and I will give myself a break and then we…well…I don’t know..learn to break dance?
We do for others what we can not do for ourselves. I am most greatfull that you are there for me.
We teach what we most have to learn.
Thank you so much. I am glad you are here, too. xo
I find it a peculiar paradox that, not only can we not soothe and comfort ourselves, as we would do for any fellow human in our circumstances, we judge and kick our own butts harder than any fellow human (one we would turn to) – would do to us…
Yeup!!
While I can’t explain why you can’t provide the same help and comfort to yourself that you’ve provided to others (even in some cases to others who’ve never even met you in person) I can say this: you’re right that your meds are not a crutch.
They’re a ladder.
Sometimes we all need a ladder. And sometimes we need someone to hand us a ladder when we find ourselves in a hole over our heads.
Especially when that hole is one we’ve dug ourselves.
Christopher,
What a wonderful message. You should be in the ladder distribution business. Thank you.
I love this. Thank you for this.
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m not sure I can be anywhere near like you, because you’re amazing. But I (and I suspect many other folks here) am always here, cheering you on. If it makes you feel better to vent, either in this space or to my email, you go, girl. Love you!
I love you, too..like frozen crazy.
My guess would be because you’re constantly putting others before you. And you give, and give until there’s nothing left. Be selfish, take care of you, do what makes you happy, dance like nobody is watching…sorry, got carried away. You get the idea.
I do get it! I actually have always been good at “me” time. I take the time I need to unwind and recharge. I have to. But I do put other people in front of me a lot too
I wish there was a magic wand and “All Better” and poof! Being a good person is something to take pride in because not everyone is at all or even a little bit!
OMG I wish so bad that wand was a real thing
Someone once put it to me (when I was beating myself up) “what would you say to your best friend”? For some reason when it was couched that way a lightbulb went on. My problem is that ‘self beating up’ can be more subtle so I don’t always recognize it right away. It sucks.
I don’t know how empaths are created but thank God for us. And we should take care because the world needs as many of us as possible. We are important.
Thank you for this. xo
I sure wish you were my friend for real.and not just in my head. You are the bomb and don’t let anyone tell.you any different. I don’t know you personally but I love your writing❣ You go girl.
We can be friends in real life! We just won’t actually see each other. 🙂
I am so glad you are here. xo
You are perfect, amazing, and enough, just the way you are. Your sharing and honesty is wonderful. You can do this. Exhibit: you are doing today.
The shared human problem with kind self-talk is one of anatomy: our mouth talks forward, but our ears are on the side, behind the mouth, and so we cannot hear the good things about ourselves that we need to listen to.
I LOVE this. Thank you!
You don’t realize that you are our ladder (thanks Christopher – that was perfect) all the damn time. I don’t blog, but read a few faithfully and find that when I’m at my seemingly lowest, you cheer me up with either sarcasm or humor. I wish I could bolster you up when you’re down – I believe all your readers feel the same, but just know when you’re kicking yourself, we are all holding your leg back so it doesn’t hurt so much.
This means so very much to me, you have no idea. Thank you.
I’m glad I don’t know anyone like me. I’m a little self-centered and not entirely reliable.
And I’m overly stressed most of the time.
I don’t think I’d get along with myself very well. God knows it’s difficult enough having to live with myself from the inside.
I’m sorry you are stressed a lot. Stress sucks balls. I am sending you my peaceful thoughts. 🙂
Yes to all this.
If my friend tries something and fails, I will tell them (and I genuinely believe it) “That was a GREAT idea. Those people who didn’t like it missed out. Try again with someone else who is smarter!”
If I try something and fail, “Gawd, I’m dumb. Why did I ever think that was a good idea??? I need to leave this to someone who knows more what they are doing”.
OMG YES! Samesies.
There’s a book I read years ago called, “The Games People Play.” It deals with the way we view ourselves and the way we think of others. The optimum worldview to have is, “I’m okay; you’re okay,” but when you grow up with a narcissist, you grow up with an unrelenting message that you are NOT okay, and that’s a hard hurdle to overcome. But you can do this. You are very self-aware, which is a wonderful thing, but you, like many of us, are too damned hard on yourself. Repeat to yourself: “I AM okay, dammit!” Then believe it. It’s time. You’ve suffered long enough.
Thank you. It got a little dusty in here. 🙂
I will work on the self talk. I’ve gotten better, but I have a ways to go.
First, I have liked and admired you very much since the first post I read in this blog (about dealing with your son’s addiction), but no, that’s not right, since before that, when I started finding your comments in the blogs I read and said to myself “That RageMichelle sounds hella cool, I should go check her blog out…”
I don’t know about anyone else, but when I was taught manners, and I find manners very important, no-one ever said anything about being helpful or respectful to myself. It was always others I was taught to be considerate to.
So maybe I just didn’t recognize how rude I was being to myself for a long time, or why I should think of it that way.
I certainly never got any blowback for telling myself under my breath that I sucked, like I would have gotten had I done the same thing about a sibling, friend, or teacher.
Bur then again, I don’t have bad anxiety, and it really only became a thing I felt needed attention when I was depressed, which by definition, is when I had no approach to getting a handle on it.
Oddly enough, I haven’t been depressed since my stroke. I have been sad, frustrated, scared, and a host of other mental states, but not depressed.
Anyway, to take a blind shot at your question, there are lots of things that we can’t do for ourselves, or more truthfully, are better left to someone else when possible, and maybe for some of us, that’s one of those things.
I’m sorry you are still having a hard time with this, and I would help you if I could.
You help more than you know. You guys give me a place to dump this stuff and then you give me feedback. It’s great therapy. 🙂
Sending peaceful thoughts. It’s all I have. I know anxiety sucks, and I’m sorry there’s no easy fix. but you are stronger than you realize. Remember that.
Thank you, I need that reminder.
Sister, you are absolutely the very best! Adore you to the moon and back!
XOXOXOX Right back at you.
Your truthful, candid words heal because so many have been in your spot and lack the words to describe it, or at least the way to describe it with the same perfect use and placement of your epic, yet elegant profanity. I’m still working up to “shit storm” over at my place.
Someday, someone will make you understand something about you that has laid dormant but which dwarfs the lingering messages left lying around by your father. You were left such hurtful statements to fight with when you had no defenses. Then you just converted them to self-loathing.
But.
He was wrong.
We all know that.
It takes a long time for what is “known” by others to catch up with what you have believed for years, out of habit.
But Michelle, my friend, there was a time when YOU knew he was wrong too, day after day. For even a little while, you knew by feel alone, that you were a better human being than he was.
I see you heading back there, back to when some voice inside told you not to let him do that to your life and I believe you’ll not let him do that to your future.
Call me crazy, but I’m right.
Yeah I might have teared up a little. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
How did you know that my anxiety meds are in my purse, mostly unused even though I’ve needed them more times than I can count? Also? I haven’t been to the psychiatrist in over 4 years because I felt like I was beyond help. Instead, I’ve been white-knuckling it… getting through day by day. Maybe it’s time to try again? Thank you for helping to give me the courage to walk back through that door. <3
In other news, is there some way we can help? Anything at all? Because I would love to return the favor for the wise words you've given all of us over the years.
This means so very much to me. I am so GLAD you are going to see your doctor again. That is wonderful. And this helps. Trust me. It helps a lot.
All of us “normal” (i.e. completely fucked-up) people know how to advise and comfort others who are hurting. We don’t always know how to advise or comfort ourselves. We’ve been taught all these fabulous “self-care” habits like meditation or massage or long bubble baths or whatever, but the best self-care that always seems to get ignored? Take your meds. Forgive yourself your own “sins”. BREATHE.
I accept the ugliest parts of me as MY ugliest parts. Do you accept my ugly parts?
I accept the ugliest parts of you as YOUR ugliest parts. Do you accept YOUR ugly parts?
I accept my most beautiful qualities as my most beautiful qualities. Do you accept my beautiful qualities?
I accept your most beautiful qualities as your most beautiful qualities. Do you accept YOUR beautiful qualities?
I will try to remember to be kind to myself, and when I forget to do that, I will try to remember to ask others for help. Will you please do the same?
I WILL! I will do the same. Or at least I will try and then forgive myself if I fall short.
Take your meds, forgive yourself, ask for help, BREATHE.
Repeat. 🙂
Good advice. I just need to hear it a zillion times a day.
You are my new best friend.
Yay!!!