I wish I owned a fortune cookie factory. I would call it “Not Your Mother’s Fortune Cookies”.  My fortunes will actually help people live better lives.

Here are a few fortunes I have so far:

• Clean your bathroom. Seriously. What would your mother’s friends think?

• The peacefulness you seek really is at the bottom of a bottle.

• A true friend will tell you when you have BO or if you have a booger hanging out your nose.

• Sometimes smiling is creepy.

• Change can hurt, but only if someone flings it at you really hard.

• A good companion makes your life better, unless they are a serial killer. Then you should run away.

• People are naturally attracted to you. Because you have a fuck ton of money.

• Have you tried looking in dumpsters for your dreams?

• Chance encounters with strangers increase your likelihood of catching bird flu. Especially if the stranger is a chicken.

• If you have something awesome in your life, your mother probably hates it.

• Perhaps your goals should just include getting your shoes on the right feet.

• Don’t buy the expensive shoes. Buy the cheap ones and then bitch about them.

• Every flying bird is thinking about shitting on your car.

• The man or woman of your desire just took out a restraining order.

• Meeting adversity well is not likely.

• A dream you have will come true. Either the teeth falling out dream or the naked dream.

• Our “recently watched” on Netflix defines us.

• Never give up. Especially, when you’re wrong.

• Coming events cast a shadow. Just turn out the lights.

• There is no greater pleasure than seeing your loved ones succeed or your enemies piss themselves.

• An attractive person has a message for you. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

• You already know the answer, or maybe you don’t. Math is hard, yo.

• Adversity is the parent of your former in-laws.

• Better to try and fail than to fall off a ladder into a vat of crocodiles.

• You are probably more boring than you think you are.

• You can make your own happiness, but it will probably require multiple trips to the hardware store.

• It is time to try something new. Probably not cliff diving.

• Serious trouble will pass you by and then double back and kick you in the nuts.

• A short person will enter your life and punch you in the nuts.

• A tall, dark and handsome stranger will steal your garden hose.

• Wealth awaits you. Not to help you, just to stay out of reach and mock you.

• Keep your eye out for someone special and then watch them freak because your eye is out.

• You have many talents, unfortunately, most of them don’t pay.

• A stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet or the instrument of your demise.

• A new voyage will fill your life with dysentery.

• You will travel to exotic places, if you consider Gary, Indiana exotic.

• Jealousy doesn’t open doors. No emotions open doors. Hands open doors.

• When fear hurts you, eat two pints of rocky road ice cream.

• The shadows cast by sorrow thinks it is funny when you stub your toe.

• Fortune favors the brave and that guy named Roddy who lives around the corner from your cousin’s house.

• The man on top of the mountain did not fall there. However, his friend’s stole his backpack and abandoned him.

• Sometimes, the only answer is curling up in a fetal position and sobbing in the bathtub.

• Sometimes, the only answer is “Why yes, Bob. I do have foot fungus.”

• Sometimes, the only answer is flushing it down the toilet before the kids see it.

• A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, but really a single step doesn’t even put a little dent in the journey and doesn’t count at all.

• Always find a way to keep trying, especially if there is cake involved.

• Your fortune is as sweet as a cookie. But a cookie made with vinegar and salt.

• If you are happy, then you are successful. Or delusional.

• Believing you are beautiful will make you beautiful to others. Not really.

• Always please yourself. But not in public.

• Your golden opportunity is coming shortly and then laughing at you.

• You have a lifetime of happiness in store for you. Unfortunately, you die next Tuesday.

• You will be responsible for bringing the art of miming to the mainstream.

• You will become better acquainted with a coworker. Also, HR needs to see you.

• Better to grow old and wise than to shit your pants and lick tree branches.

• If you fail at your dreams then you should probably take up origami.

• Rivers need streams. I need a drink.

• He who slithers on the ground is a weird motherfucker and you should run away from him.

• A single conversation with a wise man is probably really fucking boring.

• It never pays to kick a skunk. Unless someone pays you to kick a skunk

• But really, you should give that some serious thought.

• I mean, it’s a skunk.

• You will soon witness a miracle. Depending on how broad you define “miracle”.

• You are a person of culture. Dairy Queen culture.

• Keep it simple. No point in overestimating yourself.

• You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but you can steal the neighbor’s newspaper.

• Patience is bitter, but the rewards are sweet. So are Little Debbie snack cakes.

• The only certainty is that nothing is certain. Except the certainty that your coworkers will piss you off.

• Back away from impulsive people. Then go buy a puppy!

• Enjoy the meal? Get one to go! It will taste like shit reheated, but buy it anyway!

• You dearest wish will come true. Your neighbor will soon have a penis growing out of his forehead.

• Poverty is no disgrace. That will not keep the other humans from trying to make you feel ashamed of it, though.

• If you don’t do it with excellence, then don’t do it at all. In fact, just go watch Project Runway.

• You are uniquely designed for success. You are also uniquely designed for poor financial decisions….so…..

There you have it…the first batch of my new line of fortune cookies. Anyone want to take over the other aspects of starting a fortune cookie factory? Because that part sounds time consuming and boring.

If you have any additions, let me know and when my factory is functioning, you can have free fortune cookies for life.