I’ll Beg If I Have To

I need your help.

More specifically, Randy needs your help.

I love my husband. We’ve been together 20 years now and though the relationship has had its ups and downs, it’s a good one. I want many more years with this man. I want to see more of the world and share it with him. I want us to watch our grandchildren grow up good and strong. I want to laugh with him and lean on him and watch him grow.

I’m afraid this might not happen, though. I’m afraid his life is soon to be cut short.

An eleven second video might be the cause of Randy’s demise.

Randy’s sister, who I love dearly, posted a goat video to his Facebook wall.

Here is the video:

Randy says that from now on, if I say something he doesn’t like or argue with him over something stupid, he’s going to make this goat noise.

You guys, he’s following through on this promise.

Do you see why I’m begging? I don’t want to have to kill him.

I need you guys to help me convince Randy to stop sounding like a goat. I haven’t been able to convince him to stop and I don’t know how much longer I can keep the blunt objects out of my hands. My palms are itching. I’m even sweating a little.

 

116 Thoughts.

  1. Kinda sounds like a turkey gobble. ??? Just tell Randy that everyone will think he is doing a turkey gobble, not a goat, so there’s simply no point in doing it.

  2. as discussed in one of your earlier posts on irritating noise making and character voices…. i have a low tolerance for that shit.
    fucker better sleep with one eye open because he’s going DOWN in his sleep. that’s my argument right there… it’s all about his choices.

  3. C’mon, Randy!

    Everybody knows that Howler Monkey or Peacock sounds are much more irritating. Practice, man, practice!

    And diversify.

  4. I should have said, “Randy, my man….you should treat Michelle with love, kindness and respect. Honor her for the beautiful, brilliant work of God’s art that she is. Goat, howler monkey and/or peacock sounds directed at her are an antithesis to these things.”

    Better? 😀

  5. tell him that the goat is being used to shill cars and that by imitating it, he’s acting as a tool of “the man” and capitalist oppression. Or, you know, withhold sex.

  6. Explain to Randy that you will use the same maneuver every time you have an intimate encounter… Give it a minute, and he will start to drool!

    Then ask him to re watch the video and see how many times he sees teeth.

    Now, every time he makes the noise; stop, make eye contact, and give him a broad, close-mouthed smile. Then slowly open lips to show your toothy grin!

  7. hahahaha….. I read this to my husband when he asked me why I was watching goat videos. He just rolled his eyes and started telling our furkids that “Mommy is silly”.

    I say ….. play his game. Quack like a duck, gobble like a turkey or moooo like a cow. He will get tired eventually. It will grow old and he will stop. ……. hopefully!!

  8. Oh my God, that’s hilarious! I am going to play this all day, but I see your dilemma! Just hope he doesn’t start making that sound during sex that could be awkward “50 Shades of GRAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY”!

  9. As a former goat owner (yeah, part of my long-ago secret life), I can perhaps suggest a solution. So long as he persists in making goat noises in lieu of human noises, he gets treated like…a goat. So. He lives in a stall in the barn…or garage, your choice. He gets to eat goat chow (kinda like hamster food but for goats). He isn’t allowed into the house, because goat poo + kitchen floor = totally unhygienic and gross. As a male goat, he will be required to pee on his own beard on a regular basis. There’s more, but you get the picture.

    Pretty sure once you read him the riot act, he’ll realize the benefits of being human. More or less.

  10. It’s better (slightly) than the screaming goats I keep seeing everywhere. Is there a song he hates that you don’t and could sing at the top of your lungs as counterpoint? If you pretend it doesn’t bother you, will he get bored of it?

  11. I’m with Randy on this one. Honestly if I said something and he made that noise I’d be laughing too hard to even be mad. He needs to waggle his head like that when he does it too. That would make it even better.

    I feel kind of bad about this, so I promise that in your next marital dispute I’ll take your side, unless it’s really ridiculous, in which case I’ll be over there with Randy making that noise.

  12. Michelle, I swear I sent that video with nothing but good intentions in mind.
    I have to admit though, this blog post made me laugh… really hard. I can just see and hear him doing this!

  13. So many clever solutions. I love the support outpouring you’ve garnered.

    But let’s keep things simple, shall we?

    I quote you, “Randy says that from now on, if I say something he doesn’t like or argue with him over something stupid, he’s going to make this goat noise.”

    Hmmm.

    I suspect I’ll grow tired of tongue wagging goat sounds soon.

    In fact, I’m working daily on a Karl Childers/Clinton hybrid (I did not sleep with those french fried potaters).

  14. Hmm, the goat noise = something that you like to do that he doesn’t like the results from doing this ‘thing’.

    Example: you like to watch, and shop on QVC – Randy does not like the VISA bill
    Goat noise = QVC time

    Pick and choose the activities that work the best for your situation.

  15. I….CAN’T….STOP…LAUGHING….

    Here’s what we need to do.

    Go find yourself a big on line DONKEY. One that makes the most HORRENDOUS noise ever known to mankind. (They make noise right? if not, then perhaps a hippo- they do right? or a pig- yeah, they HAVE to make a nasty noise)

    In the privacy of your own closet, take your laptop and PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE…

    This will now be your response to his goat.

    BAM. See how long he pulls this stunt. Or perhaps, see who kills who first. 😉

  16. Oh, you must immediately start feeding him clothes off the clothesline. This will stuff his face and he’ll be so busy chewing he won’t be able to make that sound, although you may have a big job cleaning up bits of chewed clothing off the floor from those unfortunate circumstances when he tried.

  17. He’s only doing this to get your goat… Okay, I’ll slink away in shame now. You could try telling him that he compares unfavorably with a Lyre bird, whose impression of that goat would be flawless. Or dig out your kid’s old see-and-say, set it to goat, and pull the string over and over.

  18. Okay, here’s what you do. When he opens his mouth to make that noise you put something in his mouth. I would normally suggest something chewy or doughy like toffee or Timbits (that’s doughnut holes here in Canada) but you don’t want to condition him to receive a treat for this kind of behaviour. Can you carry cold cooked brussel sprouts in your purse-maybe in a Ziploc bag? He opens his mouth to make that sound and in pops a cold, slightly slimy, brussel sprout- or whatever else doesn’t “float his boat”. See how that works. At the very least it will muffle the noise. I checked the spelling of “slimy” in Google (it looked weird to me) and the first term that showed up was “slimy poop”. That MIGHT be a bit extreme though so maybe stick with cooked cold vegetables. If it works- TA DA!- Marriage saved.

  19. Could you please let Randy know I appreciate the inspiration, think he’s right on track, and I’m totally stealing this. (I’m so sorry this is my first comment ever and I’m on his side. We can still be friends though, right?) 😉

  20. 20 years, huh? That’s a pretty good run. Sadly, you are going to have to kill him. I just don’t see another way out of it.
    Good news? There’s not a jury in the world that will convict you if you show them the video.

  21. Tell him there are other farm animals he can copy. Say for instance a Jack Ass. Oh wait, he sounds like he has that one covered. JK, wedded bliss!

  22. RANDY! Don’t do it man! Don’t make the goat noise! When the apocalypse comes, who do you think the zombies are gonna go for first? That’s right – the ones making the goat noises. SAVE YOURSELF.

    (Too much Walking Dead? Probably. But I think this’ll work.)

  23. I would really love to watch a clip of Randy the Goat. Seriously. You know what you have to do, Michelle.
    OK, this is how it ends:
    Next time you guys are out in public, you do whatever you do to elicit that goat noise, but make sure it happens within earshot of one or more lovely ladies (who he doesn’t see until after he pulls that shit). Yup. They might crack up, but not in the “oh he’s sooo funny I wanna meet him way”… aaaand you watch him try to be cool with that.
    Of course if he’s reading this, it ain’t gonna work!
    I really, really wanna see his goat-schtick. Please.

  24. It’s kind of our job to pester in this manner. My wife no longer allows me to watch “Sling blade” because she knows that she will be in for a solid week of “Carl voice”.

  25. OMG and I thought the screaming goat videos were disturbing… at least THOSE were kinda/sorta hilarious and disturbing at the same time. THIS one – I can’t even… :/

  26. Oh, the fact that he is still amongst the living is a testimony to your goodness and kindness.
    I’d have totally glued his lips together. Can’t make goat noises if all you’ve got is, “Mmmph, mmmmm!” right?

  27. That’s the same sound made when a man sucks on the ass of another man so hard that his penis turns inside out and protrudes out of the anus. Try that one.

  28. My method has always been to enlist our teenagers and then mock my husband mercilessly when he does anything annoying. Like make those super annoying explosion noises. Which he does. Kind of all the time for no reason. So far it’s working, the frequency is down to almost always.

  29. Haha.
    I can’t help it.
    Haha.
    I just laughed. And then I laughed again.
    I think I would just let him do it and pretend it didn’t bother me.
    I know that won’t work either. He already knows it does.
    Sorry – no sympathy. Can’t help it.
    Haha. See, I just laughed again.

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