It’s Friday night and I talked with Mountain Girl this evening. She is a balm. I needed her because these past few weeks have been horrible.
I told her how my anxiety feels physically painful and about the amount of weight I have lost because eating is difficult. My throat tightens and it’s hard to even drink water.
I told her that I felt like there is a saber tooth tiger at my shoulder and I can nearly feel one of those impossibly long teeth ready to bite down.
Let me just say that the motherfucker would have to work at that shit because my neck and shoulder muscles are so tight that my baby boy can’t work them out and he usually can get them in line.
Anyway, I feel like I am in physical danger and must run away.
Where? Where am I fucking running? I can’t outrun my goddamn brain and my goddamn brain is being a real asshole.
The only thoughts that I can grasp are just horrible circular thoughts. How bad my work issues are, how horrifying the consequences could (will, my brain insists the word should be “will”) be. I go to work, put my headphones on and deal 
with my shit, but the second I walk away, my brain begins the circular thoughts and they are scraping the inside of my brain like goddamned barbwire.
Something happened though, right before I talked with Mountain girl. I remembered something. A thought broke through those ugly, terrifying circular thoughts.
I remembered something essential.
I remembered something true.
I am a motherfucking bad ass.
A motherfucking bad ass.
Feeling panic during every waking hour for 2 weeks is torture. It is physically painful and nearly impossible to feel comfort of any kind.
Anxiety builds this harsh and cold coating that repels comfort.
Anxiety creates loneliness that is nearly unbearable.
I say nearly because I have to bear it. What choice is there? Giving up? Finding out how low I can sink? FUCK. THAT.
Fuck that. I’m not doing that because I am and I have always been a motherfucking bad ass.
My brain is forcing my body to react as if I am in imminent danger every waking moment.
Yet I get up, I go to work, I operate a car, I laugh and talk to people. I go about my day and I handle my shit all the while being attacked by my own brain. You know who does that? Motherfucking bad asses, that’s who. And when this episode passes, I will take strength from it. Because that’s the prize I get when I go through this. I get a little more strong.
By the time I post this, it is possible, actually it is likely, that I will be a quivering goddamn mess again.
I accept that.
Right now? Right now I remember that I am, and I have always been, a motherfucking bad ass.
I don’t care what happens next. I mean, I care, but I don’t. Because whatever happens is going to happen. I will survive that day and, the next one and the next one and, then this will be a memory.
I will most certainly lose this moment where I know I am a bad ass and feel comfortable and in less pain. But I also know I will get this moment back. I’ll get it back soon.
It hurts now. It feels impossible now, but I am getting this glimpse and I know what it means.
It means I win. Because my record of winning against bullshit anxiety and fucking depression is perfect. I take the long goddamn way sometimes, but I always win. Always.
I’m going to win this time, too.
I hope if you are feeling really bad now, you read this and you remember too. Remember, that you are a motherfucking bad ass.
Latent I experience exactly what you just wrote. Thank you for putting my feelings into words. It is motherfucking awsome that you did, you are the best!
Thank you! Here’s to us bad ass motherfuckers.
You are a WISE motherfucking badass. Don’t forget that.
I have never in my life felt wise, so this feels uncomfortable to read, but I am trying so very hard to accept it. In any case, thank you. xo
Been there, still am at times. I am sure I will be again. It is brutal. But like you I am a motherfucking badass. Thank you for getting out of your head and into words the rest of understand.
You are not alone! You will survive this and be stronger and wiser than ever.
Thank you so much. It’s getting there.
I love you Michelle, you bad ass. And am sorry for what you’re going through. And so understand.
I think of anxiety as my frenemy. We’ve been living together forever. Because of this codependency I’ve never had a choice but to go on. As we’re rivals for my life I have to win so….
Sometimes she does win a battle but she’s never won a war.
OMG THIS! Yes, I accept that anxiety is a part of me. I’m tired of fighting that, but she needs to calm the fuck down.
I’ve always known you were a motherfucking badass. The important thing is that you know you’re a motherfucking badass.
Well, I might have lost most of that for the weekend. I don’t feel particularly badass at the moment, but I feel a little better.
The level of anxiety you’ve been experiencing is so SO much easier to give in to. Every moment you don’t do that should, yes, remind you that along the way, you got pretty fa-reeking-mighty.
You’re going to do a lot with that.
I hope so, right now I am just tired as fuck. I feel depression poking around and I just have no time for that bullshit right now. Today was a little better, though. I’ll take it.
I beg to differ…….you are a BAD ASS MUTHERFUCKER!!!!!
Haha! I’ll take it!!
You’re a MuthaFuckin’ Badass!
And you’re right—so am I. I needed the reminder because I was so on overload I literally forgot one of the most basic things on Friday.
And I spent the weekend thinking-if I don’t get a handle on this it will make me physically sick to the point I will wind up in the hospital. Because that has happened before.
I need to do my best not to let that happen again. So I need to remember that while I am a muthafuckin badass I am NOT Superwoman! I am a human being and I need a break from some of this shit. And so do you and I hope you get it. Do your best to make yourself get it.
In the meantime you are a muthafuckin’ badass!
You are, you are so much a badass!!! I have never made myself that sick, but I really did think it was a possibility this weekend. Here’s to us, we are AMAZING.
Yes, ma’am you are a Motherfuckin’ Badass. You are bigger and badder than any anxiety or depression. It is true and you need to remind yourself of that all of the time. I am thinking the fact you can get out of bed, drive to work and be productive, yes, that proves you are a badass.
Thanks for sharing this with us. We all feel we are not alone. Let’s face it, we all have to deal with some shit or another. Sharing makes us all feel we are not the only one or less crazy? Or there are a lot of crazies out there? Not sure….lol
Either way. It’s been really shitty, but it will pass. Soon. I hope.
My sister, whose house in Santa Rosa appears to have avoided incineration by a half a block if I’m reading the fire map correctly, told me something similar when I was at a particular low point after my stroke. She told me I would make it through what was happening and there would come a time when I looked back on it as “that time I was having a hard time and couldn’t really see my way through it for a while.”
My sister is a badass too.
I sort of see it as a balance: on one side you are better off if you can remember the height of the mountain of shit you have overcome just to get to where you are, and on the other side you’re better off if you don’t inflate the difficulty out of the zone where you can imagine doing anything about it.
You obviously CAN do something about it as evidenced by the fact that you have made it this far.
Nobody said it was easy, but I sincerely hope it does get easier for you.
Have you read the “Boggle the Owl” bit about the stick? If not, here it is:
http://boggletheowl.tumblr.com/post/41509206591/ive-been-getting-a-lot-of-these-lately-and-i
Recognition can be powerful and helpful when nothing seems to be working and you can’t figure out how to get the chemical self-sabotage to leave you the fuck alone for a minute.
And here, from “The Greatest Light Is The Greatest Shade” is The Joy Formidable:
–
“Fever in bedtime covers go unknown
This fright, it grows and misses, sinks and floats
A calm day will come, my calm day will
This dream is, this dream is
This dream is in a telescope now
This dream is, this dream is
This dream is, this dream is
This dream is in a telescope now
This dream is, this dream is
A calm day will come”
I really am happy your sister is okay. How horrible. She is a badass!
That last line made me tear up a little because I want that day now and I also know for sure it will come. Thank you. 🙂
Anxiety is something I struggle with daily and I don’t wish it upon even my worst enemy. Anxiety is horrible in general, especially when you run your own business. The self doubt is so there that I end up annoying myself.
It gets exhausting, it really does.
There is a saying that I’m sure you’ve heard, and you may have even written here, before. But I’ve always found it helpful to remind myself of it: You have survived 100% of your worst days. You have a 100% survival rating. You can do this. You can make it through, because you always do.
I do! This weekend was as bad as I imagined and I am good at imagining. Today wasn’t great, but it was much better. Still a ways to go. Still working insane hours. I’m just super tired.
Yes. Yes. You. Are.
🙂
There are days when the thoughts in my head are determined to take me to a bad place. The key is awareness, calling bullshit on that damn tiger and realizing your bad assery. You know this, you’ve got this Michelle.
I have to sign on to work in less than an hour and do some more super scary shit. I am sick to my stomach right now. So, I needed this so bad right now. Thank you.
“Never seeing what you want to see; forever playing to the gallery. You take the Long Way Home. You take the Long Way Home.” (Yes, your Logical Song post got me on a Supertramp kick. #SorryNotSorry)
I am a Money Magnet, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You (TM). YOU are a Motherfuckin’ Bad Ass (Thank You, Thank You, Thank You) (TM)
Also, you totally rock, and your asshole lying brain is a real dick. *smooches*
Thank you! And yes, my brain is being such a dick. I’m kind of sort of getting a handle on it. Randy has been searching for a way to help me get a grip on this anxiety and he thinks that I’m stuck in a loop of catastrophic thinking. (Accurate) so, we’re looking up exercises to help manage that.