Okay, let’s start with this: I am not sorry.
What I am is exhausted. I don’t know why I’m exhausted. This isn’t a normal level of menopausal, kind of (more than kind of) out of shape exhausted. This is so goddamned fatigued that typing this is nearly too much effort.
I had mono when I was 38 years old. This is what I remember mono feeling like.
I’ve got a doctor appointment tomorrow as I’ve felt this way since last weekend and it only seems to be getting worse. But no worries! I’m being proactive by googling my symptoms! So I can be exhausted and certain that my death is imminent.
What better time to write about some things that irk the shit out of me? Because I find that when you feel bad, dwelling on petty annoyances is like a spoonful of motherfucking sugar.
Which makes very little sense, but I AM TIRED.
This brings us back to the title. I’m sorry, but…
I can’t tell you how much I am annoyed by people who start a sentence out apologizing when what follows illustrates that they are actually the opposite of sorry.
I’m sorry, but your hair looks like you brushed it with a tumbleweed .
I’m sorry, but her baby looks like a toothless monkey and her shag carpet smells like soup.
I’m sorry, but if your political/social/religious views aren’t the same as mine, then I hope your genitalia catches on fire and you get Kung Fu Fighting stuck in your head for the rest of your life.
I’ve caught myself starting sentences with ‘I’m sorry’ when I mean ‘You’re an idiot’ but I do try to stop myself when that happens.
Next up, my boss irks me. I left early today and let him know I made a doctor appointment and he did the same thing he has done for the past 7 years every single time I take time off work.
What? What do you mean, you’re ‘sick’? You aren’t allowed to be sick. Are we clear?
This is his idea of joking. I suspect he would also find boiling puppies humorous. When scheduling vacation time, his behavior is annoying. When I’m sick? Fucking hell.
Other things that I find maddening:
Pen clickers.
People who heat stinky food up in the microwave at work.
People who burn microwave popcorn at work.
Overly cheery people.
Anyone who thinks it’s clever to talk about ‘hump day’ every goddamn Wednesday. I’ve been in the workforce for over thirty years now, do you know how many goddamn times I’ve heard someone say ‘It’s hump day’! And I HATE that fucking camel.
People who ‘squee’.
Banana flavored candy.
Watermelon flavored candy.
Commercials on the radio where they repeat an 800 number a billion times in a row.
Morning radio disc jockeys.
Socks that fall down into your shoes.
People who make ‘jokes’ to insult you instead of having the balls to just say what they think.
For the record, I very often don’t have the balls to say what I think…which is why I’m mostly quiet at work.
And the biggest annoyance in my world at the moment:
The stupid motherfucker who lives two doors down who parks his big stupid truck in front of my house every day. I know it’s not my street and he can park there if he wants, but it’s rude. He monopolizes the parking in front of my house because he doesn’t want to park 3 vehicles in his driveway.
Okay, I feel a better (great big lie, I still feel like shit).
It does feel a tiny bit good to bitch. Thank you for listening and please feel free to comment and add your petty annoyances and I promise to to roll my eyes and make disgusted noises on your behalf.
I hate the women in my office who come into the breakroom and immediately exclaim “It smells SO GOOD in here!!” like they’ve never smelled food before. I hate it so much that I had to start eating my lunch out in my car. (which, I’ve discovered, is AWESOME)
HAHAHA…YES! Horribly annoying! Why yes…food DOES often smell good..thank you for pointing it out all the time.
I think eating in your car is a wonderful plan!
Okay … I have to comment on a few of these:
I’m sorry, but… I agree with you. Can’t stand it, and I’ve caught myself saying it a few times too. Meh. At least we were ‘trying’ to be polite about the snarky comment we were about to expel.
Your boss is a douche. End of discussion.
Pen clickers. (oops, sorry about that!)
People who heat stinky food up in the microwave at work and People who burn microwave popcorn at work. (they are both equally offensive and these people should be made to wear a dunce cap at work for the entire day)
Overly cheery people. (Total pain in the ass, especially when you feel like death warmed over. Get the fark out of my face and go be Ms. Happy Sunshine somewhere else!!!)
Anyone who thinks it’s clever to talk about ‘hump day’ every goddamn Wednesday. (I agree – so this is for you – http://37.media.tumblr.com/bb81d1c6c3c9642394fbada348572c6b/tumblr_moat5kahpY1ruoh2yo1_500.jpg)
People who ‘squee’. (My bad…)
Banana flavored candy. (that’s just … wrong – and nasty)
Watermelon flavored candy. (them’s fighting words … I love my watermelon candy lol)
Commercials on the radio where they repeat an 800 number a billion times in a row. (OMFG, yes!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Morning radio disc jockeys. (I would really like to know what these little fuckers are on to be so god damn cheerful so early in the morning ffs!)
Socks that fall down into your shoes. (that’s why I don’t wear socks – no more problems)
People who make ‘jokes’ to insult you instead of having the balls to just say what they think. (yeah, agreed. Their assholes)
For the record, I very often don’t have the balls to say what I think…which is why I’m mostly quiet at work. (neither did I when I worked in an office … too chicken shit to say what I was thinking)
The stupid motherfucker who lives two doors down who parks his big stupid truck in front of my house every day. I know it’s not my street and he can park there if he wants, but it’s rude. He monopolizes the parking in front of my house because he doesn’t want to park 3 vehicles in his driveway. (pay a kid to slash his tires. every day he parks in front of your house. He’ll soon get the hint)
Hope you feel better soon hon!
Thank you! I hope I feel better soon, too. This sucks ass.
And I guess if you really like watermelon candy….
Morning DJs who obviously cater to twenty something year old boys who talk shit about women? Yeah…I’d like to stab those guys.
And the picture…oh god…that stupid camel.
I hate my cube mate that says “Awesome!” at the end of all of his calls. Punch him in the face. I’m also always cold at the office. Like two sweaters and chugging hot tea cold. I hate people who say they like the cold, they don’t know what it’s like to never be warm for 9 hours a day.
Oh man..I’m the one with the fan on full blast all day long..but I’m old and have hot flashes.
I’d want to punch the awesome guy as well. I promise to think evil thoughts about him tomorrow.
I’m in the two sweaters and tea club with you. I don’t normally mind having to bundle up (it makes me feel cozy) but I do feel somewhat ridiculous sitting in the office in summer wearing multiple layers of fleece while everyone else is in short sleeves.
I have noticed that I alternate between hot and cold now that the old lady hormones are kicking in..and being cold SUCKS. I hate getting all hot and sweaty, but when I get cold, it’s like I can’t escape it. It doesn’t happen often though
Oh, the pen clickers and burnt popcorn…*shudder*
.
My current annoyance list includes:
Salespeople who show up unannounced and expect me to call my busy coworkers away from their work because clearly we are more obligated to hear about this new product RIGHT NOW than do our jobs.
The IT guy who doesn’t realize none of his jokes are funny and who insists on standing around my desk almost every day boring me with useless yakking.
Loud people (a sub-category of the previous two annoyances).
Random unexplained gritty bits in food. Was that just a large piece of black pepper or was it sand or was it gristle or was it glass or OH GOD WHAT THE HELL WAS IT?
People who tell me to grow my hair longer. Sorry you’re so scared of my pixie cut OH WAIT NOT SORRY.
People who ask you for directions and then immediately go and ask someone else the same thing.
.
Whew. I think I need a cigarette, and I don’t even smoke.
Feels good to get it all out though, doesn’t it?
Wtf. Ppl tell u to grow your hair longer!?! I shudder to think how I would respond to that. I’m usually one of the overly happy ppl but now I think it’s probably bc ppl around me are nice and smart and well, they don’t burn popcorn 🙂
Hahahah…yeah, burnt popcorn pisses off most people.
I hate it when someone says “I don’t mean to be offensive” or “Promise you won’t take offense” as though it gives them a pass to follow that up with anything they like. If what you say is offensive, I’m going to be offended no matter how you preface it.
Exactly…if you’re going to say something offensive, just fucking say it..
Kind of like people who say ‘I’m just being honest’ when what they are being are cruel dickheads.
Co-workers who come up to me needing help or tools or a question answered, then they stop to text by me or loudly answer their phones in my vicinity. Do your texting or talking in your own space.
People who ask “Mind if I ask you a question?” No, I don’t, but I dislike you immensely for asking my permission. Who died and made me the Pope, that you have to ask my permission to ask me a question? Just ask. If I’m offended, big deal; I’m not going to shoot someone for asking me something.
People who try to high-five me. I don’t do high-fives.
I’m sorry, but I loved this post, especially the “I’m sorry” examples.
Thank you!
I’m not crazy about high fives either….mostly, I don’t like to touch the other humans..and then they do that shit and you feel obligated. Fuck that.
Okay…here goes and it really has not been a good week so the idiots are annoying me more than usual.
I’m with you on most of those…morning people of any description are annoying, excessively cheery people get on my nerves and I used to hate people parking in front of the house too. The hump day thing is really stupid and we never had it here till social media imported it. It annoys me that we’re all supposed to adopt this thing that was never ours in the first place. Screw the camel!
Add to that list people who bring stinky food onto public transport.
People who don’t use deodorant and then inflict themselves on everyone else using public transport.
Anyone who would think it appropriate to comment on a post of someone they barely know re the death of someone who is obviously close to them with ‘their really piling up this week’. Stupid, insensitive and grammatically incorrect as well!
People who share graphically horrific photos to prove a point. I choose not have a TV, I avoid the news as it depresses me and I hate that my right to choose what I see has been taken away from me.
People who make anti gay, racist remarks or extremist political statements assuming that you’re going to be in agreement with them.
People who snort and sniffle instead of using tissues.
People who don’t give up their seats for those who need it more than they do.
People shouting personal conversations into mobile phones on public transport, in restaurants or anywhere near me.
Lawyers…
Yeah, not at my most humorous or tolerant at the moment
OMG…Getting ambushed with graphic images! That makes me crazy. Or just people telling me horrible shit that I don’t want to know about…makes me nuts.
I really hope that next week is better for you, sister…I am pulling for you.
Banana flavoured candy – wrong
Watermelon flavoured candy – wrong
Actually any fruit flavoured candy -except orange – wrong !!!
Stinky food at work – wrong
Burnt popcorn – wrong
In fact – I agree with all of them
One of my annoyances – while waiting in the queue for groceries, and the person in front waits until the cashier (or check-out chick) tells them how much their groceries cost and THEN they start digging around in the bag to find their wallet to get their money to pay for their groceries !!! It drives me NUTS EVERY SINGLE TIME. What are they expecting, the cashier is going to ring up their groceries and say ‘Oh look – they come to NOTHING – you can take them and go home ?’ You have to pay for them people – get your wallets out and be ready – the rest of us would like to get home sometime today !!!!
A laughs at me when I get agitated with it and says that I can’t change it I should just enjoy standing there and enjoy not rushing somewhere else. I can’t enjoy standing in the queue at the grocery store – sorry, I just can’t !
Throat clearing or sniffing also annoy the pants off me.
False laughter and lies.
I had better stop before I get myself too riled up !!!!
Have a great night and an even better weekend !
Me xox
Oh yes!!! The people who wait til the last minute to pay..and then when they are done, they take FOREVER to put their money away and their wallet away and arrange everything….JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!!
You have a great night (day?) as well! Here’s to both of us having a great weekend.
Put sawhorses in the street in front of your house. If the ignorant neighbor (what’s wrong with the street in front of *his* house?!?!) moves the sawhorses and parks there anyway, paint a target on his truck (with tempera paint so it washes off easily and he can’t sue you for hurting his precious truck). If that doesn’t work, borrow a boat trailer or travel trailer from someone and park it in front of your place. Better that than his truck.
Good idea! I love the tempura paint idea.
They live on the cul-de-sac so there isn’t a spot in front of his house, ours is the first one with a space in front.
Banana flavored candy is disgusting. Growing up I would be LIVID if I got a handful of banana runts from the damned quarter machine. I imagine my mother wasn’t too impressed either, but I never paid attention to her reaction.
What about people who have really ugly toes but insist on posting pedicure or sandal photos all over social media? I’m not shaming anyone for having ugly toes- most people do. I’m saying keep it out of my freaking face.
Sorry about your dickhead boss, I really am. He sounds smarmy and smarmy deserves something special, but I’m too tired to think of a clever punishment. Feel better soon.
Hubs hates sandal season..feet gross him out..other than mine, he loves mine…but I do have nice ones. I know what you’re saying though…I don’t like it when someone injures themselves and then posts a graphic picture of it. ew ew ew ew ew.
“Squeeee” is like nails on a chalkboard.
People who just stop in the middle of a sidewalk or at the bottom or top of an escalator. Move over, then stop!
As for the exhaustion, I feel that too lately. Am not discounting hormones; I am also getting tested for Lyme.
I hope you don’t have lyme disease! Let’s cross our fingers for each other.
Mine just started about a week ago, but it is profound…and I’m getting really cranky.
There is this naive 22 year old intern at the psych hospital who is unbelievably cheerful. It’s sort of endearing but mostly awful.
Also: Car commercials on the radio make me want to punch glass.
I know a FEW people who are truly nice and chipper and you can’t help but be impressed…but dear god..not until at least after lunch.
Yes..car commercials..especially when the wooden voiced owner has his wooden voiced wife and kids join in.
The only things that should taste like bananas or watermelon are bananas and watermelon
Exactly! I love bananas and watermelon…I adore watermelon. not candy though…gah…ew ew ew ew ew
“People who make ‘jokes’ to insult you instead of having the balls to just say what they think.”
Followed by them getting all INSULTED because HOW DARE YOU NOT REALIZE THEY’RE “JOKING”.
*eyeballs roll out of head*
I did leave out an important part of that. You’re right…I was only KIDDING makes me want to spit on people
“Morning radio disc jockeys.”
Hey, hey, HEY now! Not ALL morning radio disc jockeys, I hope! But everything else, I agree with 100%.
Here’s hoping your doctor figures out what is going on and that you’re feeling better soon!
HAHAHAHA..I will concede that it’s not all of them. It’s the men who cater to young males who talk shit about women and treat them like objects…those are the ones who make me crazy.
I used to work in corporate America and I have experienced most of these things and they are annoying. Some other things that annoy me:
People who continue to tell me a story even though I told them that I’ve already heard it before.
People who listen to morning radio shows.
(I listen to a morning show podcast call The Morning Stream which is funny and intelligent).
People who listen to sports talk radio. I like sports, but I don’t like sports talk shows.
I hope everything is okay and you’re just feeling exhausted because of your boss.
Thank you! I hope everything is okay as well. I’m seeing the doctor today. I hate going to the doctor…for some reason it really makes my anxiety spike and I babble like an idiot..but I’m way too tired to take my anti-anxiety meds..I’d be comatose if I took them.
People who touch me in public when I A) did not give birth to them or B) am not currently sleeping with them. This includes, BTW, France.
OMG I am so with you. I have a very wide personal space area. I do not like to be touched (by most people..family and some friends excluded)
Bullshit annoys me… any kind of bullshit. There is a person in my office that takes home a ton of paperwork every day, never touches it, brings it back, throws it all over her desk as soon as she gets here and creates the illusion she is busy because messy = busy i guess. Drama… petty bullshit jerry springer drama. Sends me to the limits of my own sanity. I have zero tolerance for this… and if I had a gun would probably shoot someone so they would shut the hell up and rid the world of one more drama filled bullshit artist con. Thank you for letting me rant this morning…
Rant away sister! Ranting really feels good sometimes…a lot of the time. Okay..ALL the time.
And stupid people suck… thank you … drive through
There is something truly awesome about hating all the things. I always feel better after bitching about them.
I hate gravity. It always leads to something falling on the floor that I have to pick up and if I don’t pick it up it will just stay there and it will not magically get picked up on its own.
I hate when people point at things on a menu with the soft pad of their finger. It makes me want to slap their hands.
I hate when people touch me–slapping slap slap slap.
I hate stinky kitchen things. Kitchens should be self-cleaning.
People who chew with their mouth open or make any sort of mouth noises.
Gum.
I hate people who think they’re clever on the road so they should be allowed to not follow traffic laws. So many U Turns where there’s a double yellow. So many.
As for cubicle stuff NOBODY LIKES ANYONE ELSE. Nobody can ever say anything right. THE FOOD SMELLS GOOD … you can’t say that but you also can’t say JESUS CHRIST YOUR FOOD SMELLS LIKE SHIT. And any sort of spray is very very bad. And the cold people hate the hot people and the hot people hate the cold people.
I hate most of things you do. I just pretend I like them because I am afraid. I’m worried now that cool people like you think I like the camel from that commercial. Oh well, I probably hate them anyway.
HAHAHAHHA…awesome! I hate it when people are preoccupied with their phone when they are DRIVING THEIR CAR RIGHT NEXT TO ME.
Motherfucker, if YOU want to die..have at it..but don’t take me with you.
Slow walkers.
I fucking hate slow walkers.
I want to punch them in the back of the head, so, so badly.
Also, I’m sorry but (:-)) …your boss is a dick. Your neighbor, too.
Oh man…I am not an overly fast walker..but I feel you. I don’t care if they are walking slow..UNLESS they are blocking my way and then I am all in on the head punching feelings.
I love you so much right now!
I seem to be wearing an unshedable (look, Ma! I made a word!) sweater of irritated. I have pulled the plug on my Facebook, I rarely blog anymore, because really?
Nobody has time to listen to me bitch entry after entry after entry, and quite frankly, what I REALLY feel the need to bitch about can’t be done publicly, because it’s family and the idiots in question have stumbled upon my corner of the web more than once. I also need to bitch about my job, but I post as me, and people at said job have also read my blog, and the first rule of social networking and gainful employment is to not publicly bash the boss, LOL… (And it probably really isn’t his fault, anyway.) Plus, it isn’t in good taste to leave comments on FB that say, “Grow a pair,” “Grow up,” “Leave his ass,” “Leave her ass,” “Get a grip, “Are you serious,” “Leave me the hell alone,” and “For God’s sake, will you PLEASE cover up your tit!?!”
What else…Oh, yeah…I’m sorry, but… Yeah…we don’t hear that much down here, but we have its southern kin phrase, “I don’t mean any harm, but…” which screams, “Screw you, I am going blast your ass out of the water, but you’re going to be okay with it, because, after all, I don’t mean any harm…” *grrrrrrr*
Yeah…That was cathartic. Thank you! 😉 ♥ Is TGIF as bad as a hump-day reference?
Let is all out sister! And thank you for the love…I will take all I can get. Err..I didn’t mean that in a weird way.
And TGIF is perfectly acceptable because FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks…I feel strangely better! And yeah, Friday…best day of the work-week, LOL…
YAY for feeling better!!!
OMIGOD – squee is always fucking startling to me & then just annoying as FAAAAAK when you realize that an ADULT just did it! Seriously, dipshits…!? Ugh.
Lately my neighbors across the street are making me & my husband itchy on our trigger-fingers since they have this nasty habit of having loud, musical fiestas which include lots of outdoor laughter every Thursday night. I can’t just fall out like I used to anymore and the least bit of quiet-creeping annoyance, like fucking NOISE – keeps me up for way longer than it should. Asshats.
Dammit, Michelle – now I’ve got Kung Foo Fighting stuck in my head! LOL
I mostly don’t mind noise as long as it’s not really late and on a work night…and I don’t know WHY this truck bothers me so much..but it really does.
Errrr…sorry about the Kung Fu Fighting. Should I have said Afternoon Delight instead?
Dammit! That one’s worse! LOL Don’t take me seriously – you make me laugh up a storm. 🙂
Hahaha…no worries..I take very little seriously.
I have a lot, but I’ll stick with the neighbors/parking theme:
We have these next door neighbors, whom I hate because they’re always so goddamned one step below too-loud. They’re loud … but not too loud that we can call the cops. And they’re, like, old, retired, kids out of the house kind of things, so there’s no reason for that.
First, they put their dogs in the backyard at precisely 8:30 a.m. every day. The dogs go out there and bark their heads off, then the man comes out and yells at the dogs until the dogs shut up. I used to be able to sleep through this; however, pregnancy hormones have made it impossible to do so.
Second, they have a hot tub in the backyard, and the way our houses are situated means they’re right below our master bedroom and right outside our living room. So they go out there, blare top 40 shit for hours at a time, and there’s no real place I can go (other than the kitchen or the bathroom) to get away from top 40 shit. I like me some top 40 shit. I don’t like it when I’m trying to read/write/watch television.
Third, they have a car alarm. Twice this winter, twice, they left the car alarm on and it snowed and the car alarm went off ALL FUCKING NIGHT. I did not know this was them … It sounded like it was coming a street away because of the weird transference of sound. But of course, the second time it happened and I wanted to kill someone, my husband informed me it was them, and I was like, “Of course it is.”
And on the parking subject, we have a small space between our driveways, enough to fit about 80% of one car. So they have visitors over, and those visitors park in that small strip (not their driveway, not across the street, not a couple houses down where there’s a big old stretch). And where does that extra 20% of their car go? In front of their own driveway? HELL NO, in front of ours. And we can still get in and out, but we’re on a curve and it’s inconvenient, and WHY CAN’T THEY JUST NOT BE DICKS?
I feel better now. They sold their hours and are moving out at the end of the month, and I think we’re gonna have a party … I just hope the new people aren’t worse.
You know…you CAN do something about them parking in front of your driveway. You can’t block a driveway. I’d tell them to move it or you will have it towed. And as far as the noise goes, if it’s a nuisance, I’d still complain.
We had neighbors behind us who had pen with 2 yappy dogs in it. ALL DAY AND ALL EVENING…yap yap yap yap. It drove me batshit..so glad they moved.
These are all so good, and I have a list a mile long that I only wish I had time to post, but briefly:
1. “No offense, but…” same as “sorry, but…” only worse. Because you KNOW it’s something offensive. I want to smack them right off, just to get it out of the way. Like, “This might hurt, but…” *smack*
2. Slow drivers. Get. off. the. road.
3. Invites to things, where it’s ALWAYS A POTLUCK. WILL SOME HOSTESS JUST MAN UP AND MAKE THE EFFING FOOD ALREADY? (“Come see our new baby/house/going-away/family reunion/holiday event. Bring a side dish!”) NO. Sometimes I just want to be a GUEST. When I host– I FEED YOU. That’s how it works.
Whoa…that one came out of nowhere…
I have to go, but I could write a whole post on this topic.
Hope you’re feeling better soon, and that your google/WebMD symptoms are nothing imminently dangerous. (Did you see what I did there? I was trying not to sound too cheerful..)
Yes..all annoying. Especially the slow drivers.
Thank you. I got blood work done…I’m just really tired.
I heard someone say to Clint, who was one of my brother’s biker friends “I don’t want to piss you off…” and he cut them off with “Then don’t. It’s still not too late not to.”
Lately I’ve been bothered by lies and insanity a lot more than usual.
Lies are funny for me. I am either very annoyed by them or curious about them.
Pen clicking for sure, and also those sanctimonious people that exclaim whenever I use the microwave at school that eating microwaved food turns your blood black.
I am not kidding.
Turns your blood black?
Where is the empirical evidence about that?
Geez!
Or when I go to put one lump of sugar in my tea they tell me that I should break my addiction!
Oh, I should break something all right……
Okay…black blood? That’s a new one.
My second husband who was a gigantic tool said that his mother told him that tootsie rolls were made out of tar so he wouldn’t eat them. He was in his 40s
It’s obvious…I HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE!!
I agree with it all. Every single, bit of it.
Hahahaha..welcome! We wear funny hats on Thursdays and we sometimes drink too much!
A resounding YES to ALL of this! When women write “SQUEE!” on their Facebook statuses, I just want to strangle them. As for the rude neighbor, “accidentally” break some glass out there. In big chunks. Let him deal with the cost of patching his tires over and over again.
I’m pretty much in love with how you think…unfortunately there are some very small kids around and I’d feel terrible if they got hurt. I think I’m going to rely on a voodoo doll or something. A voodoo truck? Then I can stick the truck doll with a pin and deflate the tires from the comfort of my couch.
O.M.G. I don’t know what I enjoyed more: your original post or all the comments that followed it!
I have to agree with you on pretty much all of the points!
How about people who enter a big-box store, stop in the middle of the way and THEN take out their membership card. Really? You didn’t know you were going to have to show it?
I, too could go on and on with things that bug the shit out of me though I think number one is:
Open-mouth, noisy eaters (my husband’s best-friend’s wife… disgusting and gross and DO NOT MAKE ME SIT BESIDE HER!!!) I do NOT want to hear you eat nor do I want to see what you eat!
oh god..I know..my dad slurps EVERYTHING…It’s horrifying.
Woman, reading your blog makes me feel like a fly who’s finally found her pile.
HAHAH..AWESOME!! There’s plenty of room for all us flies.