I don’t mean I need to be defended because I’ve done wrong or been wronged.
I’m talking about me defending me.
I ran across an article I wrote that was published on Midlife Boulevard nearly 10 years ago. I was inspired when I read it.
The article talks about going beyond self-acceptance and moving into self defense.
I remember very clearly what I was going through at the time. I have taken thyroid medicine for going on 40 years now because I had thyroid cancer when I was 23 and had the gland removed. After being on the same dose for many many years and missing getting my blood tested to check my levels, I ended being poisoned by my medicine. My levels had reached toxic levels. It came to a head when I passed out one evening and started vomiting.
At first my doctor was concerned I had a transient stroke, but bloodwork showed the issue was with my medicine. One of the side effects, that had been going on for months, was extreme anxiety. My doctor was surprised that I hadn’t lost a lot of weight. I didn’t gain either, but I was buying king sized Butterfingers on the regular because they calmed buzzing in my brain. For a few minutes. And then made me feel worse. Haha. Anyway, it was a dark time. I am proud that I wrote the article when I was feeling so bad.
Even so, I read what I wrote and at first I was sad.
Why? Why did you write this and then let it go? Why didn’t you follow your own advice? That was almost 10 years ago. Look how much time you wasted not defending yourself.
So I read it again.
We can’t just settle for self-acceptance. We must defend ourselves.
We have to jump in with both feet and release our inner momma bear that comes out when something or someone threatens a person we love. We have to release that inner momma bear for our own damn selves. Especially, during those times when we are our own biggest threat.
How can we become who we are supposed to be if we aren’t dedicated to defending ourselves?
So I am trying to do that.
No one is better at defending loved ones than I am. The concept of defending myself wasn’t one I had even considered and it is so simple, really.
We must accept ourselves. Self acceptance is important. We won’t defend something we don’t accept.
When we defend ourselves, then we are safe. We carry our protector with us.
I will always take care of me. I will defend myself.
I do take care of myself. But I have fallen short of defending myself.
What happened over the past ten years? It fucking happened. It is gone. All we have is now and right now, I am defending myself over beating myself up. Because I am worth it. I matter.
So do you.
I love your proposal of self-defense but somehow I’m just now learning that you’re also a fellow thyroid cancer survivor??? I was 25 when it was painfully driven home to me that I have a finite lifespan. This reminds me to go get my thyroid levels checked; it’s been a while!
OMG right? I was 23. I had my tonsils out and the surgeon could feel a lump in my neck so they biopsied it. The mortality thing hit me like a fucking ton of bricks. My tumor wasn’t small, but it didn’t spread at all. I’ve never had issues. Other than my medicine getting so far out of whack that one time.
Firstly, congratulations on being a cancer survivor. Me too (different organ). I’m impressed that you so succinctly characterized what everybody should know and do, but rarely thinks about and accomplishes.
Secondly, what happened to your “Like” button?
Happy Holidays to you and your readers!
Thank you! It was so long ago that I don’t really think about it much. And I have no idea what happened. Randy just did an upgrade on the site so I will ask him about it.
Congratulations on beating cancer. Here’s my favorite joke about that: a guy I knew who was born in late June would say, “I’m a Cancer, sign of the crab. I’m two diseases nobody wants!”
More importantly, though, I know how easy it can be to let time slip by. But I’m glad you’ve got a record of what you went through, and that you’re going back to it, reminding yourself of the need to defend yourself. Life happens but as long as you’re here there’s time to do what you need to do.
Thank you! And that is both a great and terrible joke. hahaha.
I try to not mourn the passage of time and focus on now, but sometimes I forget and I mourn a little anyway.
I am glad you have been able to beat cancer that is wonderful. I think it is good you have a record of what you went though so you are able to read it and realise how strong you are
Thank you!! I don’t always feel strong, but then I remind myself that I am.
I remember your writing about the dosage of your thyroid medicine, but didn’t know that you had cancer. Which I guess would be why I told Briana that she probably would have to have her dosage adjusted when she started taking thyroid medicine. She didn’t, and seems to be doing fine on it.
It’s kinda weird, but I have a certain feeling I get when I feel like I need to defend myself from something, and it’s really not a good feeling, unlike the feeling of trying to defend someone I care about. So I sort of try and stick up for myself before it comes to that. Doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does. I can be a harsh critic of myself sometimes, but I’m trying to back off of that because it is bullshit. Calling yourself out does not, in fact, make you look better. It only calls attention to your shortcomings, and unless you are somehow unaware of your shortcomings, they probably don’t need cheerleaders.
Shit, now I need to make a YouTube video of the Shortcomings Cheerleading Squad. Or not. Anyway, it was good hearing from you again and I hope things are going as well as can be expected under the circumstances.
How is your mom?
I would watch that video! Haha.
My mom is great. Thank you so much for asking, Doug. She is healing quickly and her physical therapist has been singing her praises. She’s even driving to the grocery by herself. It is a very short distance. I doubt that she will ever drive more than just in her neighborhood ever again, but her mobility is great. Her treatment actually helped another issue she was having with her back, so she is truly better than ever.
She is however dealing with grief. It isn’t overwhelming her or anything, but on Thanksgiving, I could see she was off. The next day she told me it was because she was sad. I told her Christmas might be sad as well but that is okay, we will all still be together. I wish I could take it away from her, but not really. We’re supposed to feel and process grief, I just hate it when she’s sad. But overall? She’s great.
Funny, I always consider my grief as an afterthought. I didn’t think I’d have any or that it might last a few hours or maybe a day. Apparently it doesn’t work that way. I believed with all my heart that I would get a pass. I reconciled my feelings for my father many years ago. I wished him no ill will and I’m glad that he passed quickly without pain and fear. So why am I still struggling with this? It is annoying. (Sorry for the book haha)
I read somewhere that grief is not linear; you keeps circling back around to it…
For some reason I rehashed my whole half-sister saga to my tech as I was spaying a dog yesterday; I need to pay her a therapy fee!!! (Working on the Christmas bonuses today, ha ha!)