It’s….a……ROCKET SHIP!!!

Posted on by under Family

I wrote this last Sunday, the day after my baby boy was in an accident. Good thing my car was still in working order, because missing this party would have been tragic.

You saw Death To Smoochy, right? If you haven’t, then you must watch it.

Remember the scene where Robin Williams bakes the penis shaped cookies and then Edward Norton pulls one out on TV in front kids and calls them rocket ships?

Trust me, there is a point to the whole rocket ship thing.

Randy and I went to our grandnephew’s first birthday on Sunday. We spent the afternoon with his loud, bizarre, and beautiful family.

Here’s the difference between my family and his family. My family usually starts quiet, but the volume rises. I’m not going to point any fingers at the loudest people in my family, but I can think of at least two who are louder than me. We talk about current events, kids, and vacations. The whole family doesn’t get together often, but when we do, we have a good time and with surprisingly little drama.

Randy’s family is crazy.

HAHAHFUCKINGHAHAH

I can’t wait until they read this.

I adore his family. I love every second we spend with his sisters, and all their spawn and grand spawn and husbands, girlfriends, and we even have a fiance’ now. His entire extended family. Not that he doesn’t have other family members who exist, but the fact they are not a part of our lives is not my story to tell.

Although, in the smallest way, I have my part of that story. All I will say is that when I spend time with Randy’s big crazy family, I recall an estranged family member telling me ‘When the dust settles, Randy and his sisters are going to find out they have nothing and no one’. I remember that was said to me when we are all together, like we were today to celebrate the first birthday of a beautiful baby boy, and the threat makes me laugh. Randy and his sisters have everything. They are far from alone and who gives a fuck about things?

That being said. They’re fucking crazy. Remember when I told you guys that Randy kept making a goat noise at me? Today, while we sat outside at our niece’s house, on what was arguably the nicest afternoon of the year, I had to hear the goat noise in stereo. Randy and both of his sisters made the goat noise. I listened to a hilarious recording of a grand niece reciting Hickory Dickory Dock. She says ‘clock’ the same way one of our granddaughter’s says ‘chalk’.

Speaking of chalk, the children were given sidewalk chalk during the birthday party. A little girl, who I had never seen before, drew a picture that looked very much like this:

I heard her say that it was supposed to be a ghost.

ghost

Then she drew another ghost that looked like this:

ribbed

I can only assume that ghost was ribbed for her pleasure.

I am not fond of spending time with a crowd of people. Hanging out with Randy’s family is one of the few exceptions to this rule.

And to my nephew who complained that I never write about him: Hello! You have been written about in my blog. Now quit your goddamn bitching. The fact that he will never see this is not relevant.

I wish I had photographed the actual ghost drawings, but by the time the thought occurred to me, they had been smudged up and drawn over.

I realized, this morning, that this post proves that my blog could never be taken as a serious blog based on this conversation alone. This happened at 6:48 am.

Me: Where’s my other dick picture? I can only find one.

Randy: We have to go, I have to take Joey to school..

Me: I have 12 minutes.

Randy: You aren’t dressed and you have no make up on.

Me: Seriously, where are the goddamn crayons.

Pretty sure if an adult needs crayons to draw a blog post dick picture, that means their words will never be taken for science.

 

 

 

42 Thoughts.

  6. Stereo goat noise AND condom …erm…ghosts? Now that is an awesome get-together. Plus crazy family is way better than so-called normal.

    Reply

  7. Oh dear, from the crayon’s of babes…my nephew always drew people naked when he was small. Questions were asked in school. His argument was that if he didn’t draw them naked no one would know the boys from the girls.

    Ah well, if the little girl thinks these things are scary now, let’s hope she keeps her fear and keeps out of trouble in the future!

    Reply

  11. Those are some interesting looking ghosts!! Let’s hope she doesn’t share them with a teacher…there could be some follow up questions! Great story.

    Reply

  13. I would love to be part of a loud, rambunctious family! My extended family tends to be on the sedate side most of the time. Luckily all of my kids are hilarious as hell!

    Reply

    • It’s great when the kids are funny. Joey went to prom tonite and Randy took pictures of Joey and I and Joey was making me crack up by saying terribly inappropriate things.

      Reply

  14. Funny kids are the best! I want to be a part of Randy’s family. Sounds to me like they’ve got it all!

    I love it when my 2-yr-old grandson sings “Trinkle, trinkle, widdle star. ” Funny, but also sweet as all get out. 🙂

    Reply

  15. When I was 4 I think it was, I drew an anatomically correct picture of our short-haired BOY dauchsand. I couldn’t understand for the life if me why my mom didn’t want to put it front and center on the fridge. I did finally figure it out (many years later). 🙂

    Reply

  18. Oh My God! I just snorted my fucking tea all over my new laptop damnit! That’s why it’s new!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He should have said “Well dear, use your mascara” because I know you carry it in your pocket now!

    Reply

  19. Ha ha ha, brilliant.
    Definitely rocket ships
    🙂
    As for the goat thing, may I suggest high powered water pistols for the next time. It would just have to be done.

    Reply

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