Every Sunday morning, Randy gets up way too fucking early and asks me the same question: Want to go to the grocery store?
I usually don’t WANT to get up, but then I go anyway.
This morning when we were leaving windows were fogged. Randy hit the button to roll his window down and pushed on it a little to clean off the condensation.
Me: Do you always do that?
Randy: Yeah, it cleans them off.
Me: Remember when the driver’s side window in the Nissan just fucking fell down into the door? It’s probably because you do that.
Randy: Nah, that car is just a piece of shit.
Me: You’re a window pusher.
Randy:…
Me: Seriously..after 19 years, you think you know a person and then you find out they’re a window pusher.
Randy: I didn’t break the other window. It just broke. Things break.
Me: Whatever, window pusher.
I sat quietly for a few minutes to give him time to think about his window pushing ways, when I remembered my dream from the night before.
Me: I don’t know if this will make you feel good or bad, but last night I dreamed I had a torrid affair with Johnny Depp.
Randy: You had sex with Johnny Depp in your dreams?
Me: No. It was real life. I had to push him out of the window the other night before you got out of the bathroom. Close call.
Randy: How is this dream supposed to make me feel good?
Me: Oh. Well, it was Johnny Depp, but he looked just like you.
Randy: How do you know it was Johnny Depp then..maybe it was just me.
Me: No, it was definitely Johnny Depp.
Randy: How about us in real life? Did we have a torrid affair?
Me: Well, it was at least torrid-ish.
So, in addition to getting our weekly shopping done at an ungodly hour, I made up a new word as well.
And if you happen to see Johnny, remind him that he owes me a phone call. He also needs to fix that broken window.
reason the nissans broke
You think you know someone and then after 19 yers you find out they are a window pusher.
dream about a torrid affair with johnny depp but he looked just like randy. randy: did we have a torrid affair? Me: Well, it was torridish.
Ahhh, I have a confession. I am a window pusher. I never realized that I was doing anything wrong! I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to break the habit.
Dream sex is the best. Especially with Johnny Depp.
it was Robert Downey Jr last night. My old lady hormones aren’t always a dick. 🙂
I love your writing style. I am pretty sure I have had sex with Johnny Depp, too. He grew up about 30 minutes from me. I’ve never met him, so I am referring to dream sex only.
I’m a window pusher only if it is too cold to get out of the car and use the squeegee.
hahah…apparently, Johnny is a real whore. And thank you for the compliment!
I feel your pain. I do my grocery shopping on Sundays and it has to be the worst time ever to do it. And hopefully your car window has a few good years left before it falls off.
We go early and it’s not real crowded then..still…rather be sleeping…
A knows that anything less than the house burning down is NOT a good enough reason to wake me on the weekend – I get two days a week to sleep in and I take advantage of that every weekend that I can !
No window pushers here – thank goodness – it can be very annoying !!!
Have the best day !
Me
I get to sleep in about once every few months…part of living with a goddamn morning person.
Couple of weeks ago I dreamt I was on the cusp of having a threesome with Frank Sinatra (not even young Sinatra either- it was old Sinatra) and Ashton Kutcher. I was so disgusted I actually woke up before the whole thing could come to dream fruition. =/
HAHAHAH…that’s awesome. And disturbing. Good thing you woke up.
Fuck, I’m a window pusher. Is that bad? I never thought of the implications.
You make me laugh. Especially the part about leaving him to think about his window-pushing ways. I bet you two have some fun conversations.
Also, Johnny Depp and you are real. He’s probably just waiting for your husband to go to the bathroom again. Patience.
Hahahah…well…it was Robert Downey Jr a few nights later…maybe that one is true as well…
I’m not so much a window pusher as a window weather strip puller.
ohh..is that a good thing or a bad thing?