Yeah, I have no business giving kitchen tips. I still rely way too heavily on ‘cream of something’ soup when I cook to give kitchen tips. But, I’m going to anyway.

There’s always an element of danger when I’m in the kitchen. For instance, As I am typing this, my toe may or may not be broken. I’m still not sure. It hurts like a motherfucker and I can’t bend it, but it is better than yesterday. I sustained this injury just after entering the kitchen to clean it. First order of business..put away the groceries. A can of baked beans went rogue, rolled of the table and landed on my big toe.

I have a baked bean injury.

Which goes nicely with the measuring cup injury I suffered while attempting to retrieve a 4 cup measuring cup from an upper shelf. I’m the opposite of tall and all I managed to do was knock it off the shelf. I have a scar on my forehead that I’ve had since I was 5 years old. The measuring cup split it open again. I also had a mild concussion.

I also have an old shopping injury, but I don’t that applies here. The tetanus shot I had to get that one time from prying frozen pork chops apart doesn’t count either, because really, who HASN’T had a pork chop injury that required medical care?

Okay, these are REAL tips. I got them from the internet or from other people. I did NOT make these up.

First tip: Watercress. I have been trying to eat healthier and try new things.  A few weeks ago, I decided to add watercress to my salad. It’s got a different taste and I think I could like it. I decided to read about the health benefits of watercress. There are many. In addition, I learned that watercress grows in very watery ground and it picks up parasites and fluke. Therefore, you should soak your watercress in cold salt water for an hour to kill the parasites. I did not do this. I read this AFTER the watercress had already been consumed. What I did, was chop the ends of the watercress off, toss it in a strainer and run cold water over it for an inadequate amount of time. So remember…kill the fluke BEFORE you eat your watercress. I also have a few questions for you readers:

How does one know if they have a fluke infestation? How does one properly care for their fluke? And also, what level of will do you need to NOT google images of fluke, because I’m pretty sure I’m going to do that and then I will never sleep again.

Second tip: Sweet peppers. I was never a fan. I TRIED to like them, but just couldn’t get there. I recently started eating them again, just raw and sliced up and it’s different this time. I fucking LOVE them. I can’t wait to eat raw sweet peppers. My beautiful and talented friend, Lizzie Harrah of The Madisons suggested that I store them sliced up in water with salt and pepper added. It’s a subtle difference, but a really good one.

Third tip: Stop hating cooking so much. It’s actually quite fun. Go on Pinterest and look up recipes..start simple if you’re insecure about your cooking skills. Mine are FAR from great…but I’m improving. I’m digging working with fresh ingredients. I’m going to attempt sweet potato and roasted cauliflower soup today. It might end up down the drain, it wouldn’t be the first time. But it might be really good. I’m finding the more I cook, the less ends up going down the drain.

SIDEBAR: It’s after Noon on the fourth of July. Randy bought Cabo Wabo. From here out, the words might start getting a little blurry.

Fourth tip: If you DO injure yourself, as soon as you stop swearing, make sure you announce all the shit you were about to get done. I was going to sweep behind the STOVE! I was going to wash the refrigerator SHELVES! If you are injured enough, with say, a possible broken toe, your family might take pity on you and you can watch them do all those things you really weren’t going to do from the comfort of your couch with your foot propped up.

Okay, that’s all the tips I feel qualified to give. Anything else would be intentionally wrong or terribly misinformed and possibly dangerous.

Stay safe in the kitchen.

Steel toed boots are not a HORRIBLE idea. Wonder if they come in pink sparkles?