Randy is still out of town taking care of a loved one. I miss him like crazy, but I have used this time to channel my inner house keeper. She’s kind of shitty, but a vast improvement over the past year. Perhaps two.
I swept and mopped my kitchen and living room floors. They are that “looks like hardwood but not really” laminate. I used spray on mop stuff and now my dingy floors look the same amount of dingy, but with a milky coating and perfectly preserved size 9 foot prints. All of my shoes have been rotated from one side of the kitchen to the other. 
Except a black flip flop that Alfie the kitty got lodged underneath the stove. I just mopped around that.
I dialed up a compilation of seventies songs on YouTube while I moved the dirt around.
I think the song Escape might be one of the most embarrassingly bad songs ever written. There is a valid argument for She’s Having My Baby and maybe McArthur’s Park.
Anyway, Escape played while and I was busy mopping the kitchen and eyeing the bottle of bourbon on my kitchen table. It occurred to me that rather than age, a good gauge for determining if someone has passed from childhood to adulthood would be their view on day drinking. A “not yet adult” would brag about having a buzz on a Sunday afternoon. A grown up says “Why no. Why would I be drinking bourbon on a Sunday?”
Since I was busy, I didn’t change the song. I listened to the whole song, which is something I probably haven’t done in decades, because it’s a horrible song and I turn that shit off.
I listened to the song and thought not only is this a terrible song, it’s a bullshit song. There is no way that is how the conversation went down at O’Malley’s when they both realized they answered each other’s personal ad. No fucking way.
They didn’t laugh for a moment and then start chatting. This is more realistic:
Her: Motherfucker!
Him, with a look that changed from “I’m busted” to one of moral superiority: I knew you would answer my ad. I knew it. Cheating whore.
Her: Bullshit. I knew you wrote the ad. You used the same cheesy lines you used on me.
Him: Are you saying you are not in to champagne?
Her: Have fun masturbating at midnight. Loser.
Then, they throw drinks at each other and get permanently banned from O’Malley’s. She moves out the next day and steals his White album and all of his Star Trek fan fiction.
See? This is what happens when I clean on a Sunday while missing my husband and day drinking. I analyze the shitty songs of the seventies. Which actually was a welcome break from my two week binge of Doctor Who. I love the doctor but I am officially doctored out.
Now excuse me, I have to go re-wash a load of jeans and then figure out what the stench is in my car.
I always thought Rupert Holmes write that to pay the rent. Along w songs like Silly Love Songs, and Ride Like the Wind, I usually hear it in the supermarket and wonder what mood they think they’re inspiring. They make me want to flee.
I actually heard Watching The Detectives by Elvis Costello in the grocery this weekend. There is hope yet. haha
LOVE that song!! I heard “Better Watch Out for The Skin Deeps” by The Stranglers in Chili’s a while back. You never know where you’re going to get hit with teenage nostalgia.
Haha..it’s always fun when they pop up.
Hahahaha. Love that one. Yes, there is hope.
XO 🙂
Ah, this takes me back to my youth in the ’80’s when I had a small group of friends who looked back to the ’70’s as the decade that was wall-to-wall fantastic music. After all the ’70’s had Led Zeppelin, The Who, Pink Floyd, the Kinks, and Bowie.
Somehow we missed the schmaltz.
And I have a serious argument for why “MacArthur Park” just might be not the worst but in fact one of the greatest songs ever written. It’s based on two things:
1. Anyone hanging out in a park who sees a melting cake has got to be higher than the fucking space station. They’re on some amazing drugs and inviting us to come along for the ride.
2. It’s sung by Dumbledore.
I am giving you a slight side eye. Although, you do make a good point about Dumbledore..I mean, it’s Dumbledore.
Here’s one for you: McArthur Park or Afternoon Delight? Skyrockets in flight and all that jazz! 🙂
Afternoon Delight is soooooooooo bad. Oh god.
Afternoon Delight was one of my favorite songs, sung at the top of my little lungs, but after Mommy told me it was about sex, I just liked the ‘skyrockets in flight’ part.
Hahaha..I remember liking that song when I was young. But now? It gets stuck in my head and tortures me.
It cracks me up that someone made my point about MacArthur Park before me and that it turns to be Christopher. Also, let’s not forget that Dumbledore’s version is from the 60s. The 70s version is by Donna Summer, who sold that shit about sweet green icing like it was gospel. I miss her, man. I miss her SO MUCH.
I totally forgot Dumbledore did the original version of that. I am going to have to say that I stand corrected. And yes, yes she did. I forgot about her version! How could I forget?
Donna Summer is unforgettable. Richard Harris is too, but for entirely different reasons. I saw him live in “Camelot” once. He was obviously drunk, especially after the intermission. He called Mordred “Morbid”. The first time the audience laughed and he grinned and then he kept doing it and looking at us like he expected us to laugh every time.
Okay, that is bizarre
I had always thought the same thing about that song! You mean to tell me, their realization that they had each answered an ad, hoping to hook up with another person, made them LAUGH at each other and realize they belong together? WTF?? Like hell! Haha! But, I do have to add that I don’t think it’s the worst musical dreck ever. Just reading the title “She’s Having My baby” caused me to burst into spontaneous laughter, so with a reaction like that, I’d have to go with THAT song surpassing “Escape” on the Shit Song Scale.
P.S. So…..what IS that stench in your car? Haha!
I have no idea. I left an uneaten lunch in it and threw that out days ago, but it still has a funk to it.
Febreze it, baby!
That is the next step. sigh.
Or… you could start smoking 😉
I’m always surprised when I can smell something that a nonsmoker can’t. I mean what’s the good of compromising the olfactory if the stank gets through??
Then when I quit smoking, I’m always surprised by the smell of everything and wish I was smoking again.
Vicious cycle.
I gotta admit. FeBreeze and PooPourri are two of the best odor killers.
Maybe put some fabric softener sheets in the car for a few weeks if you’re still catching whiffs.
I’m pretty good with car odors… 😉
There we go. Fabric softener sheets FTW!
I cannot believe you made me Google ‘FTW’
😀
Hahhaha
Escape is my husband’s and my ‘song’…. we sing along badly and change lines like “then she said, oh its you” to “she stuck a fork in my eye”
HAHAHAH that is awesome!
Well good cleaning effort, M! Why would I drink bourbon on a Sunday (when there’s vodka)? Maybe I was spinning the radio dial and heard Lovin’ You by Minnie Riperton. Yeah, holy god, pour that booze directly into my ears. I can remember my sister laughing her ass off when she heard me sing along to ELO’s “Medieval” Woman – ha! I always screwed up the words. Now, the best part of hearing those old songs is the look of horror on my 17yo daughter’s face. (This same child put a pack of car fresheners in my xmas stocking.)
Oh god..Minnie Riperton. That was a horrible song.
I knew I was missing something yesterday THE BOURBON!!! Damn what was I thinking sweeping and mopping SOBER! Not cool!
Buzzed cleaning is WAY better than sober cleaning.
Barry Manilow always makes me feel better. But yes, I suspect your version is a more accurate reflection of the actual event.
Haha. Yeah, in real life, people are not going to be that cool about it.
Now I wanna go sit in the park and hold hands with someone and hope for rain while we sing ‘Pheasants in the Rain’ and watch for someone packing a cake.
Pregnant cake packer would be the ultimate.
70’s songs and housework and day drinking are a bad combination!
Yeah, I didn’t think that through.
Lol! Truth. Yeah, once I listened to the lyrics as an adult I remember thinking–you guys sound way too mellow for catching each other in the/pre-act.
That song is stuck in my head though now. I don’t mind-“it has a good beat and I can dance to it “-Copyright-Soul Train. Or American Bandstand. One of them.
Now that “Having my baby” song. As it’s said. “I just can’t!” Copyright-Hell if I know. But it’s become part of my venecular so I’ll be saying it forever.
Stephen King uses “it has a good beat and i can dance to it” line in a few of his books. Not that it is his quote..I’m just saying..you both use it.
70s Soul Train OR Stephen King?! It’s now my favorite quoute ever!
Stephen King also plays (guitar, I believe) in a rock band made of authors who call themselves The Rock Bottom Remainders.
My reaction to that song is 1) No, I don’t drink, and 2) No, I grew up in a place where it rains all the damn time. And I agree with your assessment: a good portion of the people I actually know would draw at least a little blood in that situation.
As for the car stench situation, a little story:
When I was a little kid we had a red Ford Fairlane, and something in it started smelling awful. My parents washed, vacuumed, shampooed carpets, cleaned the trunk, no help.
Finally, after my dad traded it in on a light blue Galaxie 500, my sister owned up to having hidden an Easter egg in the Fairlane. When my mom asked her why she didn’t tell them when they still had the car, she said “It was an Easter egg. You were supposed to find it.”
I hope Randy makes it back soon.
oh man..eggs. Yuck. Yes, The Rock Bottom Remainders! Dave Barry and Amy Tan were in that group as well!
Randy should be home this coming weekend. I can’t wait.
I also now have Galaxy 500 by the Reverend Horton Heat stuck in my head now. Not bad as far as earworms go.
The Rev! I heard “The Devil’s Chasing Me” and “400 Bucks” on a mix CD at work one day and immediately demanded to know who it was. After telling me, my manager Jason said “Wait a minute, you call yourself a guitar player and you’ve never heard of The Reverend Horton Heat? What’s wrong with you?”
I LOVE him. Randy and I took Joey to see him when he was around 7 years old and the people around us were cracking up at this little kid singing along to every song. We had the same experience with him when he was 4 at the rock and roll hall of fame. There was a Clash exhibit and they were playing concert footage. He had a crowd around him watching him sing along. It’s a good memory.
Ha!! Actually I like that song. He knew the curve of her face. She has half a brain…wha? That’s kind of insulting!
The whole song is just completely ridiculous.
No good can come of listening to Seventies music while cleaning.
I was doing the same thing last week and realized that the backing music for Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall Part 2” and that “I Want to Kiss You All Over” song by Exile are exactly the same, basically.
Pink Floyd.
And Exile.
Seventies music was simply not intended to stand up to the scrutiny that comes with cleaning house.
HAHAHA…OMG, I can actually see that. Someone should do a mashup.
How come the sky rockets never exploded in Afternoon Delight? even as a kid I knew that was wrong.
Best song with the word “Park” in it? Cherry Hill Park by Billy Joe Royal.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyEWCNCKxyk
I had a car that I used to buy a pound of cheap coffee for every month. Put that coffee in a solitary sock, and stuck the sock under the seat. After a few of months, the car smelled pleasantly like coffee, not like whatever that stench was.
If you are forced to listen to 70s songs while cleaning, day drinking is not only excusable, it should be mandatory.
I might have to steal your sock trick. And I just picked the wrong seventies songs…I mean, there was some really good music from that era
So funny and you’re right… what were they both doing answering those ads? I think your dialogue (and the aftermath) was much more realistic.
Right? No way they would have been that cool about it.
I always thought about that with the song…..like, if I found my husband waiting at the bar I’d be like, “You are the LAST person I wanted to see here…..obviously because I was sneaking around behind your back and answering personal ads.” And I’d also be outraged that he was doing the same. It’s not a fall back in love scenario. It’s even more messed up than when Diane Lane answers her own father’s personal ad in Must Love Dogs!
EXACTLY!!!!!
“She moves out the next day and steals his White album and all of his Star Trek fan fiction.”
Masterpiece. Brava.
Haha. Thank you!
I am ashamed to admit I love that song. The seventies must have been big on songs telling a whole story, like 10cc’s ‘Dreadlock Holiday’. I love that too.
Now I know you will blast me for lumping the 2 songs in the same category!
BTW, it is possible the stench in your car is similar to the stench in mine. Check that you haven’t left a random bag full of rotting, putrified food shopping in the trunk, maybe a month ago, as I did once.
My husband often points out that I am not a natural housewife.
Hahaha…other than your abysmal taste in seventies songs, I think we’re soulmates.