I am going to estimate that 30% of words that come out of Randy’s face hole are spoken in funny voices or accents. The fact that I’ve been listening to this for 20+ years now should qualify me for sainthood.
One of these days, I am going to catalog these voices and rate them. Maybe assign a tool to measure their level of annoyingness. Some would fall rather low on the annoyance scale. Not all the voices are bad. I don’t mind if he speaks in a British accent and it’s adorable when he tries to speak like Antonio Banderas to me.
Conversely, there are two funny voices that have been banned.
One, he is not allowed to speak in his redneck voice, also referred to as the ‘Cooter’ voice. He’s just too good at it. It distresses me. He is also banned from laughing like a penguin. Trust me, if you heard it, you demand it’s banishment as well.
Not that my bans mean anything. He talks like Cooter all the time. He generally doesn’t do the penguin laugh because 
it’s possible that could end in an actual tiff. Maybe, even an argument.
Phrases or sounds are usually cycled through pretty quick. Sometimes, he will pick something up and it hangs around for a while. For instance, almost exclusively says the word ‘yes’ to me in a funny voice. He’s been doing this for at least a few months now.
This morning, I brought that up.
Me: Your ‘yes’ voice has really stuck around.
Randy: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me: Whatever, dude. Don’t even go there. You know what I mean.
Randy: Jyesss (Which is how he says ‘yes’ these days).
Randy: It’s my new catch phrase.
Me: It’s a word. Not a phrase.
Randy: No, it’s my new phrase. It defines me.
Me: It’s a fucking word. A word doesn’t get to be a phrase. A phrase is a phrase. There are multiple words in a phrase. You don’t get to change the definition.
Randy: It’s like Madonna or Cher.
Me: I don’t even know where to start pointing out the ways that doesn’t make sense. I’m going to need a bar graph. I’m going to have to do a motherfucking power point.
Randy: Jyesss
And this, my friends, is why I drink too much on weekend nights and end up behaving in questionable ways. Like last night, Randy made me a few gin and tonics and I end up ordering a pair of pajama jeans.
I don’t know if me from last night has decided I’m giving up or if I was experiencing a moment of brilliance.
Hmmm. I think you and my partner would get along well. I tend to do funny voices or accents all the time, I can’t help it…
I think it’s because I’ve moved around a lot and so don’t really have a specific accent of my own!
I think the only one that doesn’t annoy anyone is the Billy Connolly voice, I’m told that’s spot on.
I would totally listen to you Billy Connolly voice.
Pajama jeans: “for that uncomfortable just-ate-Thanksgiving-dinner pinch all night long!”
My husband alternates between Simpsons episodes (quoting almost the entire episode) and impersonating Tim Gunn. He is really, really good at sounding like a gay fashionista. Oh and also does a perfect impression of Louis Armstrong’s “I see skies of blue. . .” That song has always creeped me out and I have no idea why. Like I get goosebumps all over my body haha 🙂
That’s weird..although, that song does have a little creepy undertone. I feel you.
My husband thinks he is good as voices. His favorite character is “Luigi the meatball king”. I only serve pasta now on nights he is out for dinner.
Yeah, I’d do the same.
you are a saint.
voices/accents. no.
i just can’t handle it. i dated a guy 2nd date he broke out a character voice.
dealbreaker!
i don’t even know what pajama jeans are but it made me laugh.
I AM a saint. Saint Michelle. Patron saint of wives who have to tolerate strange noises coming from their husbands
After I read your first sentence I was thinking “Randy sounds like a lot of fun…he’s constantly entertaining with witty voices, just like me!” Needless to say I was very let down by your following sentence.
So, just to be clear, you drank too much last night and placed a regrettable order online, and it’s all Randy’s fault? It would be soooo amusing to be a fly on the wall if you were to have a session with a substance abuse counselor, ya big goof!
Could you record the penguin laugh for us? It sounds amazing.
xoxo
Haha…Yeah, I’m going to talk Randy into recording a few of his noises.
Years ago there was a cartoon character, the Aardvark (in Pink Panther cartoons I think), that I loved and imitated (sounded a lot like Jackie Mason). One day I was doing it and got stuck in it. Seriously, I couldn’t speak normally for about 4 hours. Now I can’t do it anymore, which, I suppose, is a good thing.
Yeah, I’d like to hear a penguin laughing too (unless it’s the voice of Burgess Meredith from the Batman T.V. Show. Then I can pass on it.
Okay…THAT had to be weird..
And yes, his penguin laugh is quite like Burgess Meredith
husbands are funny ducks, eh? Mine does the best elephant noises, and lately insists on giving me a fist bump whenever I walk buy. Plus he talks like don draper in Mad Men….
pajama jeans? really?
Yes..really. I ordered pajama jeans. I can’t wait for them to get here.
Voices are encouraged in our household. But, we’re tabletop gamers, so it’s a sought out quality, not a flaw 😉
I don’t mind the voices in smallish doses….
I like voices. My husband is actually good at a couple of voices: Donald Duck (although that’s more of a “sound” than a voice–I know you’ll appreciate the distinction) and Eric Cartman. We were on a plane once, and he spoke to me in his Cartman voice. Another guy on the plane was absolutely convinced my husband was the actual voice of Cartman.
That’s it. That was his high point. It’s all been downhill from there.
HAHA. My baby boy does a very good Cartman voice as well. They should get together and sing I’m Sailing Away…that would be amazing.
When I was in high school, I had a friend named David who I used to smoke pot in the woods with quite a bit. One time. after we were stoned, we started talking in a redneck/hillbilly accent, and we were surprised how easy it was and how good we were at it. We did that a few more times, until I realized that I was imitating the speech of my father, who grew up in Oklahoma in the ’30s, and that I had it down. After I stopped shuddering, my buzz was gone and I never spoke that wat again.
Hahahah…yeah…that would do it for me as well…I hate when I open my mouth and hear my dad coming out.
I’m a bit jealous of the voices. My husband is so reserved he would never consider doing that. We’ve been married for 17 years and I’ve never even heard him sing…ever. (I blame his Catholic upbringing for the this atrocity.) It is me who drives him crazy with nonstop off-key, tone deaf singing, coupled with my propensity to answer all questions with movie quotes. Where’s the happy medium?
Well…now you’re making me appreciate the voices. But not the penguin laugh. holy fuck that is annoying.
Dear Saint Michelle
I’m just writing to tell you that your g&t + on-line shopping response is OK. Admirable even. Especially after you gave a grammar lesson to your errant husband. Other life-partners of voice-changers may have resorted to acts of violence such as throwing the gin bottle at the offending party or even such demeaning behaviour as playing the no-talkies game for extended periods of time.
Congratulations on your restraint. You are a role model to all ear-fucked wives.
God
ps. If you manage to find the time to complete that Annoyance Values of Randy’s Voices Catalogue could you please upload it to the Cloud? I ‘d like to send it to other sufferers in their dreams.
HA! You are awesome. Maybe this is my calling…maybe this basic Annoyance Values Algorithm will be my masterpiece.
Ha ha ha, I need an Annoyance Value Algorithm for the general populace, or for people that follow me and take Facebook seriously.
I have a feeling I would hate the penguin laugh as well, though I’m sure I could see his Penguin laugh and raise it with an annoyingly shrill scouse accent (Liverpudlian)
Ha ha ha, I need an Annoyance Value Algorithm for the general populace, or for people that follow me and take Facebook seriously.
I have a feeling I would hate the penguin laugh as well, though I’m sure I could see his Penguin laugh and raise it with an annoyingly shrill scouse accent (Liverpudlian)
I kind of want to hear that.
You’d only want to hear it once
🙂
I think pajama jeans sound brilliant! I think my MIL got some for Christmas and she loves them…she is very cute in them. My son speaks in many voices one of them an Aussie mate. Randy sounds like a hoot!
Hey there Gal!!
I not only do different voices, but different languages – I’d drive you beyond nuts. Just like parents will talk to kids in their native tongue and kids respond in English, you can talk to me in Engliah and I will cycle through the different languages I know. I have really driven people mad with streams of compliments, too… I mean, complimenting EVERYTHING to the extreme.
I started a new blog – Rosez and Pearlz – the flower and gem of the month of my birth. Since it is like I got born again again again… You get the idea… With this last hospitalization and medication adjustment. So much is going really well. But I got rid of the old blog because of the negativity and the bad baggage it carried. This one I think I will make something of more with WordPress than I had with that Tumblr blog. I liked Tumblr, but I can do Much More that I want to do with WordPress.
Have a great week!!
Runa
ok I read this and immediately thought YOU TWO NEED TO CREATE A MARRIAGE ENCOUNTER WEEKEND for the rest of us.
🙂
marriage survival 101.
Ill come.
Hahaah…and THAT will be the weekend that we have a big blow up that takes up the whole weekend. (doesn’t happen often, but it does happen)
I don’t know that we’re good at relationships or that we are just really REALLY suited for each other.
I think this is a perfect example of marriage!!! As always thank you for making me laugh and think at the same time!
Hahha..thank you!!!
I’m the one guilty of cutesy names, drives the husband bonkers. He tries to do it back to me by coming up with ridiculous insulting type names but I remain unfazed. Ha. I win.
Hilarious…We don’t usually do any cutesy names..but we have our moments.
I’m laughing because this is how my Spanish husband talks ALL THE TIME. Ha!
Well…that makes sense. As long as he doesn’t start a Cooter voice, you should be good.
Thanks for a good laugh!
Thank you for reading!!!
I watch a lot of British TV series and movies, so I tend to talk to myself in a British accent. I’m getting pretty good at it, so I might try it out on the general public someday.
Randy’s is actually pretty good. I have my moments..but mostly, I just talk like me.
I speak in approximately 50% gibberish when I’m at home and somehow my husband understands it all. Yet if he asks me a question while I’m brushing my teeth and I manage to respond in something resembling English, he has no idea what I’m saying.
It’s also virtually impossible for us to have a conversation without quoting at least one movie.
hahah…yeah, we do a lot of movie quotes as well…
Michelle you never fail to crack me up! I would love to be your next door neighbors because I think Randy and my loving asshole would be two peas in a pod….and maybe we could glue it shut and drink all of the alcohol!
Hahhaah…now that sounds like a plan!
It’s gotta be a guy thing, mine does a mean Donald Duck. Curious how comfy those jammie pants are though…keep me posted:)
Oh I will…they are scheduled to arrive on the 27th
My husband tends to think if something is funny, it is funny FOREVER. Case in point: When folding the laundry, he didn’t want to go into the next room to throw away the dryer sheet…nor did he want the dog to eat it, so he hid it in a pair of my socks…we don’t “fold” socks, we make sock balls where you tuck the two socks together like sane people. That was Nine. Years. Ago. A couple of years ago, the daughter and I saved our surprise sock sheets up and put about 12,000 of them in a box and wrapped it as one of his Christmas presents. It was HILARIOUS (and you know what? We only did once).
Also, out of nowhere, he’ll go “judo-chop!” in his Austin Powers voice and karate-chop me in the tummy…that was cute the first 50 times or so. Now I’m afraid that one day the planets will align, I’ll be having PMS and a bad hair day, will have just hung up the phone after arguing with the kiddo and he’ll pull that “judo-chop!” thing and I’ll just lose it and beat him to death with my shoe. Then I’ll go to prison and have to be somebody’s bitch because I am just wayyyyy too cute for jail.
I would never make it in jail, either, sister..never ever ever.
OK you just made me laugh and I think I want to adopt your husband so I can smack him on the head like I am sure his mother or teacher did. Just think….what if he said “jyess” because, well that is the way he really said it all of his life? Yikes. 🙂
b+
Haha..I’m sure his momma smacked him on the head a few times…but she was very proud of him as well. I had a great mother in law..I miss her all the time.
Pfft! I feel your pain, but this was really funny. My husband has a couple of voices I’ve been listening to for over 16 years now, too. They aren’t funny anymore. The fact that he only has like 2 of them and they are bad adds to their lack of funniness, so I feel your pain.
Yeah, trust me, it’s not better when they’re good at the voices.
LOL, jyess. My fav…and I can relate: I lovingly call my husband goober when he gets just too goofy.
You’re much nicer to your husband than I am mine. haha.