I want to make a difference, you guys.
I need to make a difference.
It doesn’t have to be a big difference. I mean, I’m not talking martyrdom or even being newsworthy. It can be a small difference. I am okay with contributing a single snowflake to a blizzard.
I make regular phone calls to my elected officials and I financially support causes I believe help humans. Not a lot of financial support. The kind of support someone who lives paycheck to paycheck, and isn’t particularly good with money, can offer. But like I said, any snowflake in an avalanche, amirite?
I’m not downplaying what I do. If everyone made phone calls, we’d move these mountains more smoothly. But I can do more. I’m currently doing the least I can do. Again, if everyone did the least they could do, we’d be a goddamn force to reckon with. I don’t want to keep doing the least I can do.
That’s when shit falls apart a little. I don’t know what to do. I will march when I can. I will continue to call out racism and bigotry when I hear it. But I want to do more.
I decided to start with baby steps.
Perhaps, swallow a little social anxiety and attempt to connect with the other humans. I can 
step out of my comfort zone. I can speak kindly and with purpose to people. They won’t spit on me or anything. It will be totally cool. I got this.
My 18 year old son, Joey, traveled with me last weekend to bring Randy home. I missed him and am glad he is home. Even though he has already gotten on my nerves multiple times.
We left on Friday morning. Inauguration day. I guess it is also now known as “National Day of Patriotic Devotion” as well. Because that isn’t dictator-y sounding. I had a heavy heart and feeling afraid for the world.
Anyway, we stopped at a gas station a few miles from our house. I filled the tank while Joey went inside to get road snacks.
Here’s a tip. If you clean your car out and even go vacuum it so it looks nice for the trip, then don’t buy little powdered donuts at the start of the trip. If you do, save yourself the quarters and don’t vacuum the car. Or vacuum it and pretend it’s covered in fairy dust after you eat the donuts.
I finished pumping the gas and I could see Joey milling about the store. I had a few minutes to kill.
There were two women pumping gas in close proximity.
I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, and walked up to the first woman.
She was a mail carrier and gassing up her mail truck.
Me: Hi! I just wanted to say hello and tell you I hope you have a good day.
Mail lady: Okay?
She looked at me the way I would have looked if a stranger came up to me and said the same thing.
So, that didn’t go great. That’s okay. Try again and try smiling a little.
The other woman was in front of her car and it appeared she was trying to put her license plate on. In a dress. So, you know, just the situation you want to be in and have a crazy woman approach you.
Me: Ummm, hi. Excuse me?
Woman #2, clearly sending “I don’t have time for your shit” vibes: Yes?
I gathered my thoughts and proceeded to eloquently explain my new mission in life was to spread good will and try to create new connections, even brief ones, with other people. Because when we connect and acknowledge each other, then we are more likely to fight for each other. If we create emotional connections, then we can truly come together and bring light and love to our brothers and sisters.
HAHAHAHAHAFUCKINGHAHAHAHA
No. I didn’t do that.
Me: I woke up this morning and felt really horrible about life.
Yeah, this is going worse than mail lady. What the fuck are you doing?
Woman #2:…
I am pretty sure if she raised her eyebrows any higher it would have stretched her eyeball sockets enough for her eyes to fall out.
Me: And I hate that everything in life is scary and I just wanted to reach out to you and say that I hope you are happy. And I hope you have a good day
Woman #2, showing grace and elegance that I appreciate more than I can say: Oh. Thank you so much. I hope you have a blessed day.
I got back to the car and wondered how long before my face would go from purple back to it’s normal ruddy complexion. Joey was back at this point and waiting in the car.
Joey: What were you doing?
Me: Telling strangers that I hope they have a good day. And other things. I’m not entirely sure what I said.
Joey: That’s cool. That’s how things are going to get better.
I love my son so much I could eat his face.
I haven’t tried again. Not yet. I still have to recover and perhaps think of a few brief sentences to say which don’t involve me waking up in the morning or saying anything about how terrible life is.
I decided I need to take even smaller baby steps. Itty bitty, kitten sized, baby steps. Perhaps talking to actual strangers face to face isn’t the place to start.
Ohhh, I know! My phone game!
I play this game on my phone for years. I actually had to stop typing now to see what it’s called. It’s called Word Streak. It’s nearly the same as the board game Boggle. This game helps quiet my brain down in two minute and thirty second bursts.
I know I joke about the racket in my brain, but sometimes it really is so loud and awful. Sometimes, I need it to shut up for a goddamn minute. Word Streak kicks ass at giving me a minute or two.
Anyway, I don’t know any of the people I play. I mean, a few people here and there, but mostly I play this game with strangers. I have played some of them for years. I used to exchange messages with one of the dudes I play with. Stuff like “you kicked my ASS” or “Hahah..you got 666 points. Satan”.
I bet we haven’t messaged each other in a year. We still play each other every week.
Another person I play, who I assume is a woman because she has the word “lady” in her game name, messaged me early on and said she enjoyed playing me, even though I beat her every time.
We messaged a few times and then never again. We have played multiple times a day for over a year now. She’s gotten really good. I don’t lose a lot at this game, but I have to work a lot harder at beating her. I even cheer for her when she beats me. A little. I am way too controlling to not be a bit competitive.
So, I decided to message both of these people and tell them I enjoy playing the game and hope life is being good to them.
I’ll let you know how they respond.
What else can we do? Give me your ideas. How can we make life better for the humans around us, even in small ways? I really want to hear what you have to say. Hopefully you have some good ideas that don’t involve me babbling incoherently at women holding screwdrivers.
I am in awe of your courage in going up to complete strangers and starting a conversation! I am useless in those sort of situations, so you are miles ahead of me already. Maybe leaving happy comments on blogs is another way of sharing the love xx
Well..I am not good at it either and I proved that in practice. haha
What a nice thing to do. Reminds me of going thru McDonald’s drive thru during breakfast and paying for breakfast for the person in the car behind you. Commenting from The Women of Midlife FB group. Shared on social media 🙂
O M G!!! Randy and I had the SAME experience paying for someone’s food. We paid and then we could hear the guy throwing a fit that someone paid for his food.
And thank you for the love! XOXOX
I am a big fan of paying for coffee for someone (breakfast might be a bit steep for me:). I love to make a stranger smile. If I drive by my friends in the car I wave wildly with a big smile and just when they wave back, I give them the finger. They always laugh but it might not be appropriate for strangers. Wishing strangers a good day is a lovely place to start. Good job little snowflake.
I LOVE how you greet your friends. I am totally stealing that!
Smile, Gorgeous!
Really!
That’s what I say, sometimes, to strangers and friends, alike….
My favorite, tho, is when I can tell someone has put extra time in their appearance, (guys, too!) I say, “You look really nice today!” and I leave it at that … no, “Something special going on?” Like they have to have something special to look nice for, or worse, they always look so awful that this is a big change warranted only by an occasion.
I LOVE telling women that I love their outfit, dress, shoes…. whatever… I feel good and I hope that those 2 seconds worth of words out of my mouth and my smile gave them a whole day of smile and dopamine bursts.
Talking to total strangers in grocery lines and other public ‘waiting’ venues has never been a problem, much to my children’s chagrin 😉 Being nice on a consistent basis to assholes while at work is my big problem 🙁
And family….
You rocked this Casbah!! Good luck!! It does get easier, like anything, with practice, you will be able to control the purple and have some nice opening one-liners 😀
Well, I wouldn’t tell anyone to smile because I get angry when people tell me to smile. Haha. BUT..I COULD start complimenting people more often. Yes..That is something I can do. XOXOX
Well, it usually catches ’em by surprise 😉 And after the first time, (for repeat smilers) they just smile automatically!
Small town love at it’s finest.
I don’t think anybody’s ever told me to smile and it made me angry, but it HAS made me cry…
For me, being in corporate America, the directive always came from men and it would piss me off. I am not here to contort my face in a way YOU find visually appealing..so we are experiencing this from different perspectives. 🙂
I would smile for you, though.
We would have ‘secret’ growl faces for more fun 😉
Yeah. I have NEVER been told to smile while working… I would have frowned on that.
And a pun, to boot! Yay!!
I do the same thing. Just making eye contact and smiling pleasantly at someone approaching on the sidewalk, complimenting someone’s outfit, hair, eyes, laugh, paying for someone’s coffee or being pleasant to someone struggling in line at the grocery. I’m trying to find ways to be kind to people who are being assholes too. It really does surprise them and it might make them take a second to slow their roll and look around to see that there are other people in the room and they’re not all subhumans! I try to remember that everyone is going through their own shit and maybe one person giving them a break could make their day. As the mom of an autistic kid, I’m especially aware of parents struggling with a meltdown and will offer assistance or at least a smile, so that parent can get through it.
I needed this. Yes..be kind to the assholes too. I have to work on that, but you are right. They are probably in the most need of kindness. Unless it is cheetoh sporkhands. I have no kindness for him. I have my limits.
I like the drive-by style. Say it quick, bail and you never have to see the blank expressions.
I’m a big fan of spontaneous compliments – how many times do I think “Oh, that necklace/hairdo/shirt/socks are great” but don’t say anything? Takes me some personal gumption, but I feel happy afterward.
I also do the waving and smiling thing (I reserve the finger for special occasions). I wave at little kids (maybe 40% positive reactions, and the rest just stare). I tell cashiers to have a good rest of the day. It’s been easier since I live in the South, and it isn’t considered so weird yet.
My husband always makes it a point to say something nice to cashiers. He’s nicer than me. Well, it isn’t that I am not nice..I am just usually distracted or trying to hide inside my invisible bubble.
I feel for you at the gas station; I mean, you could have just yelled in their face, “I hope you didn’t vote for HIM, b!tc#” and probably have felt great for the rest of the day. Ok, apart from getting yourself arrested.
But we have to somehow defeat the hate.
This is my take on this.
Right now, we are all divided, as nations, as people, as neighbours.
I feel angry about Brexit; I feel so fearful about all the “other” shit.
But, this little game is the oldest trick in the book: Divide and Conquer.
Us “little people” are all on the same team, and you’re right, if we all clubbed together and fought in the same direction, mountains could be moved.
Instead, we are fighting with eachother, distracted from the underlying problems, while our lives are made more and more stressful and difficult by the day.
Do we need to maybe remember any fallout from any of this affects everyone, and the ones who voted for this are sort of victims too (all be it stupid ones). (? I don’t know.)
You are right, we are all victims..and yes, we have to work together. I am trying to reach out, but I’m awkward and socially anxious, so the results may vary. haha.
Hi Michelle,
Love your post, as always. I don’t think i share your social anxiety but I do have to work hard to play nice with people sometimes and i do have a basic distrust of certain folks (men in business suits is a BIG one – i think i need therapy to figure that one out.) Just wanted to share an idea that works for me. I have a reminder on my computer that comes up every day to give a gift to someone – and by gift, that means compliment someone for how they look or for something they accomplished … or give a co-worker’s kids your own kids cool toys and books once they outgrow them (nothing beat up or unwanted – i swear!) … or bring in an extra piece of dark chocolate and pass it along to someone … there are so many ways to do this. I don’t “dismiss” the reminder to give this gift until i’ve done something – anything – that qualifies. But it doesn’t take long.
As for this crazy world – i’ve actually started writing my elected officials about various issues that have put fear into my very core. And there are a LOT of issues like that. Peace.
Great idea! Thank you so much. Keep on writing. Peace to you, too. xo
I’m in search of sainity maintenance myself lately . Doing something nice for total strangers (or saying something nice) never occurred to me (why not? Maybe I’m a self obsessed twat OR, possibly, I’m having an extra special nasty-ass time of it lately).
Like Lisa K. I like to compliment people on their hair, dress, shoes, etc. When I see some cool shit, I like to call it out. I also really enjoy the holy hell out of making people laugh. Causing someone to snort wine/coffee/Odwalla out of their respective schnoz’s means I’ve done my mitzvah for the day.
HAHAH..I love this. I too desire to make people shoot liquid out of their noses. XO
I go for simple ‘value added’ interactions/conversations. I try this with people I interact with through the day….shopping for groceries, buying gas, anything. As simple as a smile, funny comment, even a ‘look’s great’ is awesome to someone mowing their lawn, sweeping the floor. Eye contact, quick comment, smile. If I can leave someone in a better mood than before I crossed their path – win for both of us. I’ve had the funniest interactions that have left me and others laughing. Biggest win is if someone says something neutral/negative eg the weather is so cold/snowy/icy today. That’s OK, I reply. We’re tough Canadians (substitute your favourite word.) Then they laugh.
Best of all, no need to really go out of your way/have to explain yourself. No pressure, you’ll probably never see these people again. Try it…and tell us how it goes. ♡
Urgh..that has always been my downfall. Over explaining myself. And thank you. 🙂
Kudos for trying Michelle. The fact that you’re willing to step forward and do this in detail is admirable. Try it tomorrow for one person – an unexpected, unexplained kind smile/word. Be kind to yourself while being kind to others. Let’s make suffering for kindness un-necessary! (Dude would agree, I’m sure of it!)
Okay. I will try my best. I will probably not have an occasion to be around other humans tomorrow other than work people. I mean, I guess I could be nice to them.
You are just like my wife, that is why I love her so.
She has always been that way with ppl. She can walk up to a person and make them smile before she walks away. Keep up with your journey, we need more of you!!
Thank you so much and thank your wife as well. I am glad to read this. 🙂
Oh Michelle, I have to tell you that you DO make and HAVE made a difference. It is because of your blog that I have a name to the what has/is causing me, what my therapist describes as PTSD. I still haven’t wrapped my brain around the fact that I have suffered trauma, that is such a big word, reserved for other people with big issue, not me, I don’t feel worthy of that, but that is part of the process. I was raised and am still affected by a Narcissistic Mother. I was not addressing it at all until I read one of your posts explaining your anxiety and experience with NPD.
Your post gave me hope. I am now getting therapy and working through some fucking awful memories and learning how to be me. Just me. Just Amy, who is worth it. I have to tell you, it sucks; it sucks fucking great big balls. And I would have never had the courage to speak up and say I am hurting if I hadn’t related to your post, and then started looking into NPD.
To that end, that is one of the reasons that Twitler Cheetohead causes such anxiety. He is the epitome of NPD and every news report is a trigger and a sick reminder of narcissism.
So thank you Michelle, if you hadn’t put yourself out there, I would be seeking help to find my voice. Maybe the way you reach out isn’t in person at the gas station, maybe this is how. 🙂
It’s dusty in here. I can’t tell you how much this means to me. Thank you thank you thank you.
I went through ALL the same things. I didn’t have trauma. I don’t have PTSD. That is for people who have been shot at. But I do. I experienced daily trauma during my formative years and I still suffer the fallout. But I’m not alone and that feels good. I am so happy that I helped you move forward. I am so happy you are here. Thank you (one last time)
I have a work me and a private “omg they’re looking at me and can see my faulty wiring I want to hide” me. The work me smiles and greets every one she sees because the work me is capable and friendly. Sometimes the work me takes over in my private time and it feels damn good. I am trying to let it happen more.
My tip: band-aids. I carry them all the time. I am a merchandiser, going from store to store doing things that make my thin skin bleed. ( I am an olds.) Modern shelving is the devils work and I can spot the band-aid needy in a flash. We bond over blood and thin skin.
I LOVE it! I am awkward at home and work. Well..not home. I am GREAT in my house.
Michelle, yours is the third post I’ve read today expressing the desire to bridge the divide that the opposing political parties have created between we, the People. Tim Sackett, an HR professional that blogs about HR issues, today stepped aside from his usual topic to address this in a post (http://timsackett.com/2017/01/26/im-not-an-us-or-a-them/ ) where he says, “Both the Democrats and Republicans are extremely happy we are all going ‘us’ and ‘them’. By doing this we keep both parties in power. The last thing they want is that we become a ‘we’. The establishment has ‘us’ exactly where they like to have us. Against each other. That gives them the most power. If we find a middle ‘we’, you’ll really see some shit happen!” Sackett goes on to say that all her really wants is to be able to have conversations that aren’t filled with hatred and absolutes. It’s a good, short read. Let me suggest to all who feel the desire to return to civility and a feeling of connectedness that a good place to start is http://www.dailygood.org . DailyGood is a portal that shares inspiring quotes and news stories that focus on the “good” we can find in our world daily along with a suggestion for a simple action to continue that goodness. I have long found it an excellent way to turn away from negativity and focus on simple things I can do to help spread calm.
THIS is so true and important. When we come together we will be unstoppable. They don’t want that. Either side.
Just what you’ve done so far is so crazy brave, I actually stopped breathing for a moment. Keep doing what feels right – you’re the kind of snowflake we need!
I just need a week to recover between each act. I can do this. 🙂
For the past year I have tried to be kinder in small things, holding a door for someone who is a ways away, waiting for them. Letting people ahead of me in lines, thanking cashiers,etc. BUT then I say, We all need to be kinder to each other people can be so mean sometimes. Then you might get in a conversation about this. I say pass it on. Compliments! You can do it!!!
You are right! I CAN do it!
Your car wash still takes quarters? Mine makes you buy $1 tokens and use those.
Being disabled and hobbling along using a quad-cane, people stare at me all the time, and I figured out right away to use that as an opportunity to get their attention and smile at them.
You can make connections with people that are casual but meaningful. There’s a lady in a wheelchair who rolls around in the FoodMaxx parking lot sometimes, and I try to give her a few dollars if I have them. We were done with our shopping yesterday and driving out of the lot when I saw her rolling down the sidewalk with a sour look on her face. Briana pulled off to the side a little and I waved at her until she saw me and rolled on over to exchange pleasantries and four US dollars. We don’t know each other’s names, but the light of recognition in her eyes is a currency all its own, outside of the many categories that could be said to divide us.
I saw her in her wheelchair one day, remembered learning to get around in one myself, and felt thankful that I was lucky enough to make it up out of mine to hobble around with my cane. I gave her a dollar, she looked at my cane and said “Stroke?” I said “Yup. Eight years ago.” I don’t know what the contents of her day are like, but it doesn’t take much for me to improve them a little, and as I have found over and over again during times of my own personal distress, sometimes a little is all it takes.
OMG I love this so much. Thank you for being an inspiration, my friend.
I know this has been said already, but I just want to add, you do make a difference already. This blog has brought me and others smiles, and peace more times than you probably know.
Smiling was a good idea mentioned above. It doesn’t involve talking to people 🙂 You can work your way back up to wishing people a good day. Sometimes just a Hi, I hope you’re having a good day is enough too.
As a woman, I know guys are always surprised when I hold the door open for them.
Small compliments–I like your shoes for instance–doesn’t have to involve too deep conversations, can be said in passing, but things like that can bring a smile to people’s faces.
Keep fighting the good fight!
Thank you for this. 🙂 <----me smiling at you.
I wish I had ideas for how to make peoples’ lives better. This morning I held a door for a delivery guy who was carrying something heavy. Actually I opened the door, saw him coming, and stepped back. He said “Thank you!” and I’m pretty sure he really meant it but it would have been more trouble for me to get in his way.
I was happy at the time but looking back I don’t think I deserve any credit for not going out of my way to be an asshole.
Now I’m thinking that maybe I should get some vodka and orange juice. I don’t know if it’ll help anybody else but I think I’ll feel a lot better if I’ve got a screwdriver.
This is awesome. Credit for not going out of your way to be an asshole. You know, really? I am willing to give you credit for that.
I’m way too introverted to just go up and talk to people. But I would have guessed you are too…so maybe I should try… 😉
Well, you could try and then let me know how you did. We could compare notes!
I heart you, you special snowflake! I am a uniquely special snowflake my own damn self.
For two years I’ve lived in a super friendly town, the kind where people randomly walk up to you and tell you you look nice, or have a good day. It helps that I live right downtown and we all walk everywhere. All three of the local coffee shops are kind of like “Cheers,” everyone knows my name, my coffee order, and sometimes my dessert or lunch order.
I went to Boston for about 3 weeks, and when I said hi to randos on the street, or even happy holidays, I got a lot of strange looks.
Good for you for putting yourself out there. You and I and everyone here can start making our own pretty snowstorm.
Thank you! I did at least try and I will try again. I’ll just try to not wing it and remember that people who know me are used to me babbling…to strangers I just sound like a crazy person.
I think what you did is better than what I want to do, which is to walk up to random strangers and say, “We need to stop them.” Then, while they are making a face at me that says, incorrectly, “Is he going to say we need to stop Republicans from destroying everything we hold dear because they’re such morons,” or, even more incorrectly, “Is he going to say that we need to stop the meanies who aren’t giving our Donald a chance,” but before they are able to say it out loud, I’d then say, “The rabbits, the rabbits who are eating my brains at night. Together, you and I can stop them. Will you join me, join me in this good fight?”
Yeah…that would be a little scary. I would tone that down. Maybe a little. Like: Stop the rabbits who are painting my fingernails at night.
Thanks for this reminder. I used to write notes and leave them in random places – under plates in a cafe, between the salt and pepper shaker, between books in a library saying something similar – Have a great day and I hope that life is treating you well – that type of thing.
I have often wondered how many people actually read the notes I left lying around – have made a note to write some more notes to leave lying around again.
THANK YOU !!!!
I LOVE THAT! I am going to start leaving notes.