I did it.

I am now a professional comic.

I performed in a show and earned enough money for a tank of gas and a cup of coffee.

It is more money than I ever planned on making for trying to make people laugh with my mouth. Or the sounds that come out of my mouth.

That sounded dirtier than I intended.

I have a hard time watching the video. I’m good with my performance, but it is weird to watch the awkward way I move. Why do I keep touching my hair? Could I just calm down a little? I look like I have to pee. Also, do I make that face a lot? Because damn.

But then I tell myself, this is who you are. Just because you can actually see what other people see doesn’t really change anything, does it?

Anyway, here it is. My first paid stand-up gig.

Changing the subject a little. And not for the last time in this post.

Getting my head around the election on the heels of my father’s death and my mother’s broken back wasn’t easy. It still isn’t. My coping skills had taken a hit and I did what anyone would in that situation. I adopted another cat.

This is Rudolph Valentino.

Since we have a Gertie and Bea, I wanted to stick with the old timey names. It doesn’t get much more old timey than Rudolph Valentino, aka Rudie can’t fail, aka Rudie, aka Dee Dee, aka Bubby. Because all cats are Bubbies.

He has the sweetest personality. He and Bea scrap a little, but mostly they play. Gertie hated him with the passion of a thousand burning suns, but he defers to her and she seems to tolerate him now. He is six months old and has been with us for 3 weeks. It kind of feels like he’s always been here.

The other thing that happened was over the holidays, I ended up in the ER. I haven’t been feeling good for such a long time. Mostly I felt exhausted, anxious and panicky. Which is understandable. But it turns out that my pulse was very low, which can make one feel exhausted, anxious, and panicky with brain fog.

Can I just say what bullshit it is to have a medical issue that mimics the other ways in which I already feel shitty? Makes it kind of hard to figure out. 

On Christmas Eve, I felt so awful that I could barely get out of bed. I was fairly convinced it was something more than just my normal anxiety and panic. I took my blood pressure which wasn’t bad but noticed my pulse was 50. My normal resting heart rate is the high 80s low 90s. My sister, who works in a hospital, told me to go to the ER and to not take any chances.

I was fine. Everything checked out. I went to my doctor and he took me off one of my medicines and ordered a monitor for me to wear for two weeks.

So, it was the medicine. I had a similar issue a year ago with a beta blocker. This was the drug that replaced it. I had the same reaction, I just didn’t know it. I thought it was my normal bullshit and was just powering through. All the while, my mortality anxiety was screaming in my ears. It has been exhausting and terrifying. I went to the ER because my pulse was low, but I think it has been low for a long time.

Within days of stopping the medicine, I started feeling better. Better than I’ve felt in nearly 2 years. I got the results back from the monitor and I’m fine.

I can’t begin to express how grateful I am. I don’t spend every day feeling like I’m wading through molasses. I can focus. I’m not cycling panic attacks.

Okay, so back to the stand up.

The show went so well that the venue invited us back. We think it will end up being a quarterly thing. Our next show is March 22. I’m working on new material. Because working on comedy and playing with the kitties is what I’m focusing on. Because I can focus now. Before, I was clinging to comedy and kitties.

Focusing is so much better than clinging.