I’ve been in bed for the past two days.
I was positive I had the flu. Probably the Swine Flu. Or West Nile Monkey Pox.
In any case, it was bad and I was probably going to die.
I went to the doctor to confirm what I already knew, let them stick a cotton swab up my nose and waited for them to come back to tell me I had the bubonic plague. I actually knew someone who had the bubonic plague. We worked together. He got the plague in Greece when he was in the military. I met him years later when he was in his mid 30s. The plague left him with white hair. The plague is a dick.
I have bronchitis.
They gave me some antibiotics and some turbo charged cough medicine. The cough medicine is fucking with me pretty hard right now. For instance, it took 7 tries for me to spell ‘antibiotics’ correctly.
So, I’m stoned on cough medicine, my chest feels like it’s filled with churning shards of glass and my eardrums are getting stung by super wasps. What better time to write a blog post on hypochondria?
It might take a while to get through this. The cough medicine makes me doze off like an old man in a reclining chair after Thanksgiving dinner.
I come from a long line of hypochondriacs. (by long line, I mean my mother).
The internet is a scary place for an aging hypochondriac.
Most scary diseases start with a list of common symptoms that you can have for lots of non-scary illnesses.
Personally, I like to take it to the worst possible outcome and work my way backward. I’ve diagnosed myself with MS, African sleeping sickness, testicular cancer and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
Over the past 19 years, poor Randy has spent many cold and flu seasons dealing with my dumb ass. He really does try to put his foot down when it comes to googling my symptoms.
He has banned me from WebMd. HAHAHAAH..because telling me what not to do always works out well.
As bad as I feel right now (I am currently 5 of the 7 dwarfs), I know what it takes for me to get through this:
Cinnamon toast, hot tea and egg drop soup.
That should be the recommended treatment for all the ailments on WebMd and should come right after the OH MY GOD YOU ARE GOING TO DIE part.
I really should have my own site. MichelleMd.
Come to my site and I’ll tell you all the horrible ways you are probably going to die.
There are things about me that I want to change. Perhaps even greater than my desire to change is my growing desire to accept myself as I am. Part of who I am is a hypochondriac. I’m going to go ahead and call this one of my quirks and stop feeling bad about having a teensy problem with worrying too much every time I get sick.
Now, if you will excuse me, I’m going to take some more of that ass kicking cough syrup and head back to the land of snores, no pain and dreams about bathtubs and fuzzy socks and living the life of a rock and roll star.
Please enjoy this image of me looking like death and high as a kite.
The internet can be an evil thing. I’ve had a pain in the back of my leg for 2 days. I either have a cyst, blood clot, or am dehydrated. Do I make up my will, or drink a glass of water? I’m doing both.
I hope you are feeling better soon!
hahaha…yep…and keeping hydrated is just a good plan no matter what.
Thanks, I hope I feel better soon, too…this sucks. And it’s Friday. It’s such bullshit to be sick on a Friday night.
Poor bunny, hate that shit! How you manage to be as sick as a dog and still make me laugh out loud (I was imagining your examiners face with the testicular cancer self-diagnosis). Get well soon. Love yer stuff. Cheers REDdog
Thanks! I’m glad you laughed! I don’t feel very funny right now. I also can’t feel my toes. I suspect it’s the cough syrup.
Your sickness certainly has not affected your sense of humor. 🙂
Here’s what I have found: the more I accept myself, the more I am able to change/improve that which I wish to change/improve. Check out the paradoxical theory of change…I love me a good paradox.
Just as soon as I can read that and actually process it..My brain on drugs can’t handle a paradox. 🙂
I thought I was sick once…turned out I was just awake
Haha. Yeah, this morning I woke up and it took me a minute or two to remember I was sick. I remember thinking, why is my head wrapped up? I thought I was bandaged…nope..just my sinuses fucking with me.
Get well soon! My husband has been down with the same thing all week, and I’ve only seem him this sick once before, in 27 years–with swine flu back in 2009. I managed to keep him home two days this week on the couch while I fed him hourly elderberry syrup (hippie chick remedy for flu) and anything else I can think of, plus cold meds. And vodka.
I’ve banished myself to our spare room and have taken to washing my hands literally every time I walk past a sink, or any time I touch anything that anyone has touched, or whenever anyone breathes on me or coughs around me. (“WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP TOUCHING THINGS!?!”) I’ve been bleaching all the dishes to sanitize them. Washing bedding in hot water. Spraying every surface, including the cats (joke), with Simple Green. Then wash my hands again.
So far, I just feel a little ‘under the weather’, and he’s getting better, so I’m hoping that it will pass and I will triumph. We’ll see if it works.
Also, he says the vodka mixed 50/50 with ginger ale helps him not cough as much, more than anything else. Seriously.
Get well soon!! This flu really sucks… (and don’t even get me started on the self-diagnosing; I have a daughter who does that–I actually wrote a Dr. Mom post just for her. lol)
Apple cider vinegar usually works for me..I didn’t get sick last year at all and I can usually count on twice a year..
ACV is amazing too…I go back and forth with using it, and had totally forgotten about that! Thanks for reminding me 🙂
Hope you feel better very soon. Meanwhile, enjoy that cough syrup.
Thank you! I’m hoping that I sleep very soundly tonite.
“” It’s time for our enema! “”
“” Roll up your sleeves and bend over, honey. You’ll feel much better. “”
-Nurse Rached
Gah…no…I’m already sick..let’s not make it worse
Am I the only one who demands tests to find out what is wrong with me (vitamin D, vitamin B, thyroid, etc) and then I’m kind of disappointed when they come back normal? I don’t really WANT to be sick — but it would be nice if I could blame things like my constant fatigue, moodiness, and weight gain on something other than myself.
I’m too flaky for that. I don’t remember to ask questions. I just want something in pill or liquid form that is going to make me feel better.
I sincerely hope you get rid of it soon. I’m now fairly convinced this damn lergy is trying to wipe me out.
I keep thinking I’m getting better, but then the vicodin wears off and I feel like shit again
I love this post. M pre people should write on drugs ( legally prescribed, of course). Get well soon.
I’m afraid to reread it. I can’t imagine the number of spelling errors.
I’m sure I have mesothelioma. (And every other ailment that has a class action suit about it on TV.)
well, at least if you get in on the class action, you’ll make a little money.
Assuming you die soon, Randy can come live with me if need be. I have plenty of squirrels around for him to bind with. Hope you feel better soon.
hahah…you’re very sweet. 🙂
Oh boy, isn’t it terrible that your sickness makes us laugh? I think you should go back to see your doctor because clearly you have a severe case of H5N1Z7X4.. or some other mix of random letters and numbers. And maybe there’s a couple of extra dwarves in there.
Get better soon.
Ha! I’m on the third day and I still feel like shit! I probably do need to add a few letters or numbers…
Does the bronchitis diagnosis ease the hypochondria, or do you still have your suspicions? Have you ever tried Traditional Medicinals tea?
We used to distribute for them at a warehouse I where I worked, and I tried them a few times when I was sick and they seemed to help. They have a few types especially for respiratory ailments. I may have just wanted them to work bad enough that the placebo effect kicked in, but I didn’t care at the time.
Anyway, hope you are feeling better soon.
I’m good with the diagnosis..I’m not that far gone.
I have faith in apple cider vinegar. That has really seemed to cut short the amount of time that I’m sick or stave it off completely. This was just a bad one. I’m feeling better today. Not great…but much better. So..it’s back to work tomorrow for me.
Since it’s a couple days since you posted, I hope you are feeling better. I don’t know if it helps, but a lot of people I know have gotten sick this winter. The germs seem to all be turbo-charged.
I’m hoping my flu shot keeps working. And thankfully, most people in my office stay home if they are contagious.
If you do go back to work tomorrow, I hope that it isn’t a horrible day.
I’m not great, but I am better and I am going back to work tomorrow. Randy, on the other hand..not too good. he’s come down with it today. Poor baby, and no one will be here tomorrow to take care of him.
I too have had testicular cancer, its a total dickhead. If it makes you feel better I went to the dr on Thursday sure I had a DVT in my leg and was going to throw a blood clot and die. Had to get an ultra sound and everything. Turns out I was just a bit dehydrated, and had a cramp. My bad.
It’s good to not be alone…
Ah, diagnosis via internet, ha ha ha, then we go running to the doctor to them what we have discovered. What you need to do, is stay away from any books, medical sites that can make you feel worse than it really is. Yes, it’s tempting but don’t take the bait.
Hoping you get better soon, and also hope you don’t get addicted to that medicine. I can just see you visiting the doctor to get more of that stuff.
I actually don’t like the way this medicine makes me feel. It’s a spacey, uneasy feeling. I’m a little better. At least I’m upright today.
I feel for you. I really and truly do because being even a little sick sucks hard.
But you HAD to bring up cinnamon toast. Now all I want in cinnamon toast so whatever thoughtful comment I had planned on leaving you had been replaced. Replaced with cinnamon toast.
Hahahah…now I want cinnamon toast again.