Christmas is just around the corner! Again!
This is the time of year that you get to see Facebook posts waxing poetic about It’s A Wonderful Life. I am going to make a confession, I’ve never watched that movie all the way through. I know what it’s about though. George Bailey is going to jump off a bridge because of Mr. Potter and Clarence the angel stops him by showing him what life would be like if he had never been born.
I decided that I would try to raise my Christmas spirit by writing my own version. What would Clarence show me if I were George Bailey?
I left my new job today wound up like a cheap watch. You guys, I am in over my head. I don’t know if I can bluff my way through this or not. Seriously, I’m trying to read code that was written before I was even married once.
But let’s not worry about that now! It’s motherfucking Christmas!
So here’s the scene: I’m despondent because The Walking Dead isn’t coming back until February. I feel like I’m getting sick, even though I was already just sick. And I’m starting over at a new job and wondering why the fuck I thought that was a good idea. It’s all too much and I’m ready to either chew through the Christmas tree lights or drink bourbon until my tears are 80 proof.
Clarence, the nosy fucking angel who should mind his own business, shows up and shows me what life would be like if I had never been born:
Michelle, put the Knob Creek down and step away from the Christmas tree. You feel bad now, but you need to understand how your life has impacted others.
Beth Blessing, for instance, that girl who bullied you in the fifth grade? If she hadn’t cut her teeth on you, then she never would have developed into the business woman she is today. She’s absolutely ruthless! She can fire a long term employee the day before Christmas bonuses are handed out and not lose a wink of sleep. Sure, even without you, she would have been a heartless cunt, but she wouldn’t have that Winter home in Barbados.
Remember Phyllis? The first boss you had when you got into computer programming way back in 1989. Remember how religious she was? Her faith had been wavering, but then you came along. You were starting a new career and going through your first divorce. She had a reason to believe again. Remember how she lectured you about how you were letting Jesus down by breaking your marriage vows? Your sins gave her the will to continue her righteous path. She found her grace again and was able to harangue dozens more people about their sinful ways. Had it not been for you, she would have lost her faith and wasted her life by only worrying about her own actions and leaving other people alone.
We can’t forget Maynard. That guy you worked for who continually passed your work off as his and then would bitch at you for getting to work 5 minutes late. That guy would have never been able to send his kids to private school if he hadn’t had you to make him look good. His kids grew up to be entitled twat monsters who learned how to get through life using people, just like their old man did. They will torment cubicle dwellers throughout their careers and inspire those cubicle dwellers to vent their frustrations through blogging, which will give other cubicle dwellers something to read while they’re living out their middle years doing as little work as possible.
Maybe I’m being too hard on Clarence.
On the other hand, maybe Clarence is in league with that creepy elf.
I think I might be getting the Christmas spirit. Or a sinus infection.
‘Until my tears are 80 proof’ bwahahaha!
You are practically a saint providing the will to live for unfortunates (or fortunates as the case may be). No wonder you are in the Christmas spirit. Bing Crosby’s White Christmas is actually permiating your words. Bravo!
I know…I’m completely selfless. hahahah.
What would Clarence know? He’s a fucking cross-eyed lion from a 1960s TV show… Angel schmangel… I say bring back Sister Betrille and fly the fuck over their heads with your wimple a fluttering …
HAHAHAH…wimple. Wimple is funny. Wimple is ALWAYS funny. We should start a girl band called the Fluttering Wimples. The fact that I get all these references just proves that our girl band should stock up on Geritol.
Wendy! LOL You are hilarious! The Flying Nun reference is good for a bottle of YOUR favorite 80 proof!
I wanna be Sheldon Leonard in this version!! can I??! huh?? can I?
Your Post today provides me with hope that if I can get me some skills, there’s a list of people I would totally love to give a big, blogger shout-out to. lol
damn, I knew learning this girly writing, all grammatical and such would eventually pay off.
Hahaha…You can be Sheldon! That is my Christmas gift to you.
Michelle,
I know how you feel about people being users and takers. I hope that all of their Christmases are filled with gifts that are the wrong size because they were actually re- gifted. Hang in there Honey, VD Day is right around the marketing corner.
Oh I will…I’m just wallowing in the ‘I have a new job and my life is horrible’ pit of swill right now. I will climb out eventually.
DUDE YOU ARE BETTER THAN A SEDARIS.
and thats some high CarlaPraise 🙂
xox
You have no idea what that means to me..as I am feeling like a drooling idiot at my new job right now.
I think I may be in love with you. You write in such an unapologetic manner and I adore you for that! Thanks for brightening my day.
Thank you so much! And I will take all the loving I can get…
Oh, now. Clarence has a good message. It just loses it’s zing after you’ve watched IAWL thirty or forty times. Sooner or later, you stop hearing the “no man is (something, I forget) if he has friends,” and you start wondering why they had Clarence wearing a woman’s nightgown for almost the whole movie which just fights with his credibility.
It really doesn’t help it, does it? You’d think an angel would at least have sequined track suit or something.
You have a way with words that can me shoot sweet tea through my nose faster than Donald Trump goes through hairspray! Absolutely hilarious.
Ah, Clarence. What does Clarence know? He was on the verge of getting fired–not exactly a role model for someone who’s just getting the hang of a new job. Speaking of which, I’m really curious about the antique programming language you’re using. Are you running it on a KayPro4?
No, I am an RPG programmer (not role playing game…report program generator) it runs on an AS/400. It’s those lovely black screens with green letters that you still see from time to time.
Whoa. Old-skool. I’ve seen it, mostly among older wholesale distribution businesses and the like. 🙂
I think you should watch Office Space this weekend! I have had a Maynard and Beth but thankfully no religious fanatic. Though someone did yell at me this morning that I can’t possibly understand because I have no children 😛 I love office “politics.” As for the new job despair I know you will conquer it!
Office Space is a wonderful suggestion. I haven’t seen that in years.
I WANT 80 PROOF TEARS!!
Well, if you’ve been a very good boy..I would ask santa about those tears
good good shit right there lady!!!
have not watched it all the way through either.
the weekend can not come soon enough for you! just hang in there!
It really can’t. Today HAS been a little better than yesterday. I mean, I haven’t accomplished as much yet, but I’m feeling a little more calm about it.
well good! you’re 1/2 way to the weekend now!
Yay!!! I can’t wait!
This is just hilarious!
>
As for the code, ach if you can’t read it no bugger else can either. Must be a book or two in the library that might help, or even the internet
🙂
There’s always a site somewhere full of experts willing to show off their knowledge.
It’s slow…but I’m making progress..fucking snail’s pace, though. So far..what I have accomplished is to not get the report I need to run in the test environment. sheesh
I have never watched Wonderful Life for more than the few seconds needed to change the channel. What is with that elf and why does Target sell accessories for him?
Did you see The Flight Before Christmas about the single mom working as a bartender. (she’s a deer, very important you know this) (I mean it would make no sense why she did the next part if she wasn’t a deer.) After a wild party with all 8 of Santa’s Flying Reindeer she gets knocked up. She has no clue which one is the father. She raises the son, Niko, on her own but fills the kid with ideas about how cool his father is. A flying squirrel (evil monsters all of them) acts as his surrogate father. He tries to teach Niko how to fly since he’s afraid of heights.
Niko takes after dear old dad, basically a reckless, thoughtless idiot and causes the deer village to be attacked by wolves. He leads to wolves to Santa’s house because he believes dear (deer?) old dad (whomever that may be) will save him.
I think you would like this story, it doesn’t have the Wonderful life vibe at all.
That sounds like my kind of Christmas story.
I am also despondent about the absence of The Walking Dead in my life. I’m going to Walker Stalker con this weekend to tide me over though!!
Damn this is funny! “until my tears are 80 proof” HA!!
I’ve only watched It’s a Wonderful Life all the way through because my husband insisted. Over and over. I don’t know what all the fuss is about. But huh…uh…huh…I like to polish up my Jimmy Stewart impression while I watch though, see…
Walker Stalker! Oh man…I wanna go..
Isn’t it great knowing how much you’ve contributed to other people’s lives? LOL
You’re going to be fine at your new job, I just know it.
Thank you so much. I have to keep reminding myself that I am new and that it’s going to take some time…
Seriously, Clarence would tell you that all your blog readers wouldn’t have had the experience of laughing so hard at your posts that coffee comes out their noses.
As an ex-computer programmer I can relate to the code that is older than your first marriage. Oh, god, can. I. relate.
Nice to read a Christmas post with LOTS of four letter words. Gotta love that all on its own.
I’m glad someone out there knows my pain…
I think we need to meet up halfway between our cities at some point during the holidays. Jeffersonville Outlets, anyone? 😉
Yes!!! I am all for that. I’ll send you an email.
This was fucking HILARIOUS. Clarence seemed a little nosy to me too. And I shudder to think what kinds of awesome lives all the people who bullied me have because I was there for them to push around!
I can’t believe I just discovered you! Good, funny bloggers are hard to come by these days…I’ll be back!
Oh thank you so much!! I LOVE new readers!!!
You had me at “motherfucking Christmas” hahahaha I love it.
I’m sorry you feel like you’re getting sick again! NOOOOOO. Maybe it’s just exhaustion and new-job-stress. Hang in there (<I hate that I said that, but I'm also hopped up on cold meds and don't know what the fuck I'm even doing right now. And I think I just ordered a standing computer desk from Smithsonian. I have no idea why.)
Love you like candle-lit bubble baths. Hope your week gets better. xoxo
Hahahha…yeah, that’s probably going to be an expensive purchase. Back away from internet shopping.
I feel a little better today. Not loads, but a little. And a candle lit bubble bath is all I want for Christmas.
See? Look at all the good you did. Haha. Now every time a bell rings I’m going to think of your old bosses and get douche chills.
Douche chills is probably the best thing I’ve read all month.
Fucking. LOVE. THIS! 😀
PS – I’m “enjoying” my middle years in my office (and I only have an office because the building I work in used to be an actual house) doing as little work as possible and reading hilarious blogs like yours. 😉
Yay for doing as little work as possible!!!!!
This is masterfully written. I laughed, I cried, I thought about the ruthless cunts in my own life, and then I laughed some more.
Ha..because if you can’t laugh at the ruthless cunts in your life, who CAN you laugh at?
I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I hate, Hate, HATE that movie. Always have. People think I’m a monster because I am unable to hide the depths to which I despise it. If it’s me, I help Clarence off the side of that bridge. Problem solved.
Ha! That’s how I feel about eggnog…also known as nutmeg flavored phlegm.
I came I read I say I like I leave…………….goodbye
Hahaha…thanks for letting me know you were here!
LOL – I”m with you on the elf – he truly is creepy !! Whoever thought up the Elf on a Shelf idea should be shot – or at the very least made to watch It’s a Wonderful Life – on repeat – for the whole of the Christmas holidays !
Have a great day xox
Right? It’s freaking creepy…creepy like spy..
Ha! Great one, Michelle. Nasal infection? Christmas spirit? They’re both contagious. I personally, like Clarence but only when he’s all up in George’s business. If he comes near me I’ll probably sucker punch him.
Hahaha….he’d never get his wings with you around.
You have the whole internet at your disposal . . . quite sure you can find some help with that old code. You got this – have a little faith in yourself. I do!!
Thank you. Today was good. I accomplished something. I mean, it’s not finished or anything, but I made an old ass program do what I wanted it to do.
See? YOU ROCK!!
See now I love Clarence and his weird night gown! It is my favorite of all the Christmas movies and even maybe makes me cry every time. No shame.
It’s all good. I watch Love, Actually every year and cry in all the same places. Every year.
I’ve never seen a single second of It’s a Wonderful Life, and I’m OK with that. Despite that, I’m pretty sure your version is better.
Thank you! I have seen bits and pieces of it, but I’ve never gotten through the whole thing.
I’ve never seen that movie, but I’ve heard a lot about it. And Clarence Shmarence; do you have any idea how bored I would have been this last year without your blog to read and comment on? And you’ll have that moldy old code turning back flips for your amusement any minute now.
Thank you, Doug…I DID get it to do at least one good trick today. I plan to beat it into submission tomorrow.
Why not pour the bourbon onto the Christmas lights while Clarence is standing under them? Then you have taken out all three elements at once. You are welcome!
This is why I love you…
I’ve never watched It’s a Wonderful Life. I’m a sucker for Christmas movies, in general, but have never seen that one. I’m not really sure why.
And I’m pretty sure you can do it. I believe in you!
Thank you. I can. I don’t know why I’m so anxious. It’s like it’s a habit or something.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen the movie all the way through either, too sappy for me.
Get on some really great meds for your sinus infection and the job situation will look a whole lot better.
And if you had never been born? I wouldn’t be sitting here laughing.
Not gonna lie…I do like the laughing part.
I watched It’s a Wonderful Life once, but I fell asleep in the middle. I think this post was funny, but I will admit that I was distracted by your equally funny tweets that kept scrolling on the sidebar. Next time I promise to have better focus.
I’m right there with you. My attention span is that of a toddler on crack.
You have all my sympathies, Michelle. I *loathe entirely*(1) that “in over my head, halp halp I’m drownding plz send a U-boat” feeling of a new job. I have every confidence that you will soon be butt-kicking and name-taking.
In the meantime, I will chug a glass of wine in your honor and pray that you get the over-achiever as your work Secret Santa.
—
(1) Oh, look! A Grinch reference. 🙂
Thank you…I need all the good thoughts. I know I’ll get there, I know I will. I’m just not there now.